Gaytra Arnold – Behind the Proscenium

November 22, 2013December 16, 2013

The Hunger Games: Catching Fire [REVIEW]

The Hunger Games: Catching Fire

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

I was gone.

You have missed me as much as I missed me.

Yes, you have.

Admit it. Now.

I am back. In the rearview mirror of my brain is a place that forever will make me spit out spit – rehab.

Someday, I will use my hands as my mouth and type you the story.

No Kossu. No sweet, sweet smoke.

“Friends” all up in my “intervention.”

To have such friends is to need a good poop and only fart. Yes… disappointment.

Now for movie things that have been not done so long in the not doing.

“The Hunger Games: Catching Fire” – hells yes!!!

No longer in rehab prison I smoked the sweet smoke, made full my flask, bought Crunch flavored Nibs and to the Cinema I skipped – happily, with a smile face.

Why?

Jennifer Lawrence.

Katniss is back, and her clothes are tightening. So are now my pants.

My love is a throbber.

A throbber right in the muscles of my heart machine.

I am consumed.

My groin is “Catching Fire.”

This seems much like a lot. And it is.

My love for Jennifer Lawrence is bigger than it can now be, or ever will.

Plot? Okay.

Katniss (J-Law, or Mrs. Mustonenen, please Odin!!!) is back in Finland. She has the shell shocks.

Gale (Thor’s brother) wants to mount her. So does Peeta (Josh “The Lost Munchkin” Hutcherson).

With a Hunger Games win in the pocket, they must go on tour, and like Metallica they (my woman and the dwarf) must fake their love.

Haymitch (Woody Harrelson) is still my drinking pal. Effie (Elizabeth Banks) still needs a face punch. Evil President Snow (Donald Sutherland) still smells of the kidney medication.

The people gather in giant crowds of close to 35 people to see Katniss in tight clothes. And to start being revolutionary against all who have meds for their kidneys.

Snow is so mad his face is all smile-like and is so old he wants Katniss made dead. She does nothing for his groin.

A human weasel (Philip Seymour Hoffman) has a plan. Hunger Games 75 – All-star Edition! Poor Katniss and Peeta again must fight.

SPOILER ALERT!

Just kidding. No spoiling. When high, I am funny to myself.

Oh, one thing for spoil – Crunch Nibs are to my mouth what J-Law is to my area.

Boing!!! Damn.

NO MORE SPOILERS!

There is much happening.

Katniss has just enough tight clothes, not enough of the nudes.

Johanna (Jena Malone) gives us some side boob – I dribbled Kossu down my chin but was disappoint in the finality.

Damn PG-13.

So – much sadness, cool trains, storm troopers, oppression, cool fights, side boob, costume-o-rama, rebellion, and, of course, the awesome most woman of all the worlds that are to be:

Jennifer Lawrence.

Jennifer – don’t make me crawl to “American Hustle” to see more of cleavage heaven. Come visit me in L.A. We will smoke and drink.

I will post to Facebook that we mounted (even if you wish to remain mount-free – I would happily build a house in your friend-zone… really).

I have two thumbs straight up in the air. And more – but PG-13 movie makes for PG-13 review. You must, in your imagination place, see what else shoots skyward.

See this movie twice. Make my future wife rich.

Thank you.

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. “American Horror Story: Coven.” WTF? Better than that shit-stink “Asylum,” but still… WTF?

July 26, 2012

The Watch [REVIEW]

The Watch

With Wit, Reviewed by Kimmo Mustonenen

The times that movies are not good are the long times.

We sit and wait.

Something must be better.

If not a plot or a funny, will the smoke make the bad the good?

Will an end come that is better than the beginning?

We hope.

We wait.

Mostly in vain.

Such it is with this dog poo stuck in the waffle tread of my cool Wolverines. It smells, it adheres and refuses to go away.

With a stick I dig, little flecks of “The Watch” leave my brain thoughts and flop to my carpet.

Then more for the digging of movie crap off of my sole.

And yet the smell of “The Watch” lives on up my nose-hole.

Can I not rid myself of the stink cloud? Perhaps shots of Kossu will clean my brain with sweet, sweet “I forget.”

But no.

What is seen cannot be unseen. What is smelled is forever in my nose front face.

Dammit.

I will put Kossu in my neti-pot and flush my mucus creators forever.

Who needs smell when smell is now always crap? Not Kimmo, that is sure!

Plot? I guess.

Ben Stiller is anal control freak at Costco. Murder! Skinned corpse!

Then Vince Vaughn (bloated like a drunken Swede) who is more for the party (shock!), less for the funny (how many years since “Swingers”? Too many).

Jonah Hill has returned to the fat and is now again funny (well, for this movie anyway) and angry because he is not a cop.

Then there is an English black guy (Richard Ayoade) who deserved to be in better cinema, but must have done something to be punished here.

Free Richard Ayoade!

These wacky misfits are the neighborhood watch!

Zany!

They have an adventure! Aliens!

Dick jokes! Alien dick jokes!

So much bad. So much.

What have I done wrong to deserve this?

So, name irony. “The Watch.”

Really? More likely “The Look At Bloody Car Wreck.”

Eyeballs don’t go to the screen for the funny – they can’t possibly look away. And then there is the hope from the above that I spoke.

And hope is the cruelest thing…

So, two thumbs just kind of doing thumb things. Not happy thumbs. Not suicidal thumbs. Just thumbs that are needing the entertainment to happen.

Thumbs that didn’t get squat from “The Watch.”

I am so excited for next week! Another re-make! That is so novel!

Never done in Hollywood! They are so original!

“Total Recall” will be all time the great one that needed a re-boot.

Sony Pictures can kiss my whirling butt-cherry.

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. Become my friend on Facebook. That is the only way that the truth of our friendship can be true. Do it!

P.P.S. Summer T.V. is turning from suck to Summer Olympics. What is the difference?

October 14, 2011October 14, 2011

Footloose [REVIEW]

Footloose

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

There was many times ago an original idea in Hollywood.

D.W. Griffith was that guy who had it.

Since then, maybe Blake Edwards or Eli Roth.

Now we can go to a cinema knowing that we will see what already we have seen yesterday, last summer, five summers, childhood or (in this example) 1984.

How did Kevin Bacon not kill these people?

New game for this film’s greenlighters – Six Degrees From Grim Reaper (remember to enter my new Dead Pool – info appearing to the future!).

For those who live under rocks – the story: Ren MacCormack moves from Boston to the small town Bomont in the southern USA, where he has a real culture shock (every movie lately lives next to “The Help”).

Some years before, the congregation – by the tragic death of five teenagers – has been plagued by celebrations after that one night. Then spoke the local politicians and the popular Reverend Shaw, a ban on loud music and dancing.

Ren (not Stimpy) wants to accept it, however, being a teen, rebels against the ban.

He breathed life back in the village and falls in love with it?

No, just in Ariel (Julianne Hough – Ryan Seacrest‘s beard), the daughter of the pastor.

She is hot.

In the remake of the cult MTV dance film “Footloose (1984)” has not exactly changed much (the story is still playing in southern backwater Bomont).

Ren (Kenny Wormald) wants to abolish the local ban on dancing and his queen of hearts Ariel (Juliann Hough, still hot) is still situated on meaningless tests of courage and the patience of the audience to the test.

Why must hot chicks test us?

On Cinemax they just get naked.

New story, new characters?

Forget it!

Why is there this stencil-like remake anyway?

Are you stupider, already? MONEY!

I love it as much (more) than you (money).

Yet the suck that is making movies over and over the same makes my sitting butt crack wish that no longer the theater I must inhabit. I stand by this.

Where were we?

Attractive teens, rebelling, attract to each other. Teen conflicts are indicated and the skeptical view of the pastor Shaw (Dennis Quaid).

Then all dance enthusiasts are in the house. Successful entry, retro feel sprayed, may now be as wild dancing – you might think!

After director Craig Brewer has lulled us positively tap toeing, he is taking a wrong direction and to illuminate characters who are simply not worth that one is concerned more with their background.

Ariel’s problems with race car driver Chuck, her problems with her daddy, her problems with her friend and top it up with their innocence – Julianne Hough (she is very hot) has to bear all sorts of character with their parcels, which do not really care about anyway.

We care about her nakedness. Our cares end up meaning nothing.

Felt her character has the most screen time and leaves actor Kenny Wormald in reverse always appear sympathetic.

He plays the cool James Dean blend, cooked up here and there at times and ultimately mimics exactly the kind of singleness dance rebel, the one in a movie called… wait for it… “Footloose”!

The different characters, whether it makes sense, annoying or charming, all have a common weakness:

They do not do the forbidden dance! Which, in Bomont, is every dance.

Instead of focusing on the movement of talented performers (Julianne Hough, did I mention her?), the audience must always fight words by books and dialogues and are hoping for a extravagant finale.

But until it comes to this final move, agonizing over long dialogues, danceable tracks are burned in the background and just after half the movie is clear that this remake is completely unnecessary.

Conclusion: “Footloose” is a usefulness-free remake of the ’80s cult film starring Kevin Bacon (I tread on his foot in New York – ONE DEGREE!). Music and dance are unfortunately too short, since director Craig Brewer puts his focus instead on the background of his characters, interchangeable.

So, one thumb, rebelling and trying to dance for Julianne Hough (muy caliente!) – the other thumb ready to be rammed up idea-free Hollywood’s arse-hole.

Excuse me while I watch “Intolerance” (which will be re-made soon, I’m SO sure).

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. “Terra Nova” has one flaw – no persons with a working mind train would ever bring teenagers to the 85 million year past. They mess shit up.