Halle Berry – Behind the Proscenium

May 23, 2014June 6, 2014

X-Men: Days of Future Past [REVIEW]

X-Men: Days of Future Past

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

Damn.

Sometimes, a guy, with a drunk mind wants to see a movie.

This is all right.

Why not?

Then comes a movie with before a course in the college of your choice you must have been all night using Adderall because this movie is the final of the second semester.

Damn.

Here we go.

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Did you see X-Men (2000)?

Magneto (Ian McKellen) was boss. His strong was not so strong. He messed up Mrs. Liberty, but with effort that makes one short.

There is no worrying, because Jean Grey (Famke Janssen) is hot.

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X2: X-Men United (2003). Now Magneto can lift tons of shit, with mind thoughts.

He must be having brain push-ups, for his brain moving can now win in the MMA.

This is okey dokey, because of Jean Grey.

She is hot.

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X-Men: The Last Stand (2006). Magneto lifts really big stuff, from far, far away (bridges, submarines).

He is somehow badder, bigger, yet with mad wrinkle-age.

I’m all “eh”, because Phoenix (Famke Janssen) is still for hot.

Except for the dying.

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X-Men Origins: Wolverine (2009).

Really?

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X-Men: First Class (2011). Back in time, Magneto (Michael Fassbender – not naked) has more powers than old-time Magneto in the future.

There is no sense in this to be made. Mystique (Rebecca Romijn) is now Raven (Jennifer Lawrence).

This a trade up.

My man parts approve. Boing!!!

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The Wolverine (2013).

Stinky poop, with everything Japanese except no Godzilla.

Avoid, unless you cannot.

Then see it while retching.

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X-Men: Days of Future Past (2014).

Finally!

We are at the time of the movie for me and the reviewing!

But, sadness, I am almost out of words.

Plot? Shit-tons of plot.

I will sum up in as less words than I can hope to type.

First is the future.

Asshole robots are killing all for just breathing air.

So bad is it all that mutants go to China for figuring out of the crap.

Here, the writers are all “Hey, Kitty Pryde (Ellen Page), we have no original ideas, so, in bad science fiction writer fashion, back in time you send Wolverine’s (Hugh Jackman) thought-essence to.”

It is like J.J. Abrams took a squat on this film from his butt.

The past has wide collars and wider pants legs. It is disturbing.

Mystique turns in to Foxy Brown – this makes my eyes wide, and brings the bottle to my mouth hole.

There is Vietnam, and Magneto (Fassbender again, and still no dangling parts dangling). He killed Kennedy and is now under the Pentagon being punished, very sad.

Now, things are more crazier.

Many things happen.

My brain goes, “slow down X-Men movie, for I have no clues as to what the hell!”

Then there is a Nixon.

Past Magneto can lift an entire stadium! In 1973 – yet in 2000 he cannot. So more brain “what the hell.”

Then I remember!

Ah, there is no sense in comic book movies.

This is not science fiction.

Comic books!

I now forgive.

If infant Magneto can lift planet Earth, do it son! Nothing must be of sense making.

Whew!

No more pressure to care who is who, and who is doing what with super powers.

So I do not harsh my high and enjoy all that is.

What is the meaning, to you, the viewing person, from me, of the writing?

This – two thumbs up.

A lot happens.

If you did not get an A in X-Men 206 (sophomore level, “who the hell are these characters” course) all is OK.

Drink your drink.

Smoke your smoke.

Stare at Jennifer Lawrence.

Then stare at her some more (I did).

It is worth the $12 ($47 if in 3D).

Take it to the bank.

In the past!

I say this in the present.

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. I realize that a Transformer turd movie is sitting on the horizon, looking at my soul. Odin, kill me with fire before I have to look on it to write on it. Please.

Summer is coming…

HEAR/SEE KIMMO’S REVIEW RIGHT HERE!

October 26, 2012

Cloud Atlas [REVIEW]

Cloud Atlas

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

There are times when the sweet, sweet smoke must be smoked before the mind can accept strange.

You think “I understand anything and have the munchies.”

Other times Kossu is demanded for drink – sense must be made but you are more “I pretend to get it” and then “more Kossu, please” until the drunkening is achieved.

Now there is the “Cloud Atlas.”

Crazy novel.

Crazier film.

I must be for the admitting that my brain was blown.

Not by gunshot (not yet, thank Odin).

Not by crack whore (thanks again).

But by cinema.

Not since “Zardoz” has there been so much “huh?” in my thinking parts.

Let me explanation for you.

Tom Hanks plays many character people, some with latex (on his face, perverts!).

Halle Barry has also the many latex people to be – but not like Tom, she has bigger boobs.

Tom IS getting moobs, however, because he is getting the olds.

It is all of mankind’s future. Moobs. For men.

That is not discussed in the film.

Plot? You let me in the know – I was idea-less. I’ll try.

There are many stories, in many orders, none for the explaining (my mind is whacked).

First, the way back in the South Pacific and Hanks is a sailor man.

Then forward to the near past – we’re in England and guys argue about PBS music.

Then the really near past in San Francisco with Berry and her love puppies bouncing and in the investigation mode.

Then today with an old drooler stuck in the pre-morgue unhappily (stay off his lawn!).

Then the way future where ‘droids are less cool than “Star Wars” and are Korean-ese but played by white people (I think – CGI would make it possible).

Then, the way way future, where Hanks and Berry are post-apocalyptic – yet her headlamps still are ample.

Which is good.

Then back and forth and back and forth in time and space and then I doubt my own brain thoughts.

This is directed by Tom Tykwer (“You Better Run, Lola”) and the Brothers Wachowski (“Matrix” cool – other stuff is the suck) and one brother is a girl.

No wonder my thoughts cannot hug what my eyeballs tell them is real. For it is unreal.

So, plot? So you tell me.

But great? Pretty damn so.

My mind flies like a 9 year old boy seeing his first of the female nakedness – I am not understanding yet am standing in awe (but without the pants bone).

Both are terrific and at the time of seeing not understandable.

Yet again I must see. And again. Until I am busted (embarrassing when father finds your Playboy stash – but this film makes you cool, not shamed).

Two thumbs are in the air! What the hell did they see? A “wow, cool, what?” movie that is cool.

Hells yeah. I will see this many times, with the Cheetos and weed to make the understanding believable. It is the only way.

Go to your dispensary. Grab your pipe. Go see “Cloud Atlas.”

Really.

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. “American Horror Story – Asylum” is coooool. Adam Levine gets what he (for his Marooning 5 crimes) deserves. I smiled big!

December 9, 2011December 9, 2011

New Year’s Eve [REVIEW]

New Year’s Eve

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

New Year’s Eve.

Really?

A painless romantic comedy with 20 big stars about 10 different stories twisted together with a background in New York (New York).

Beyond the site (New York, dumb ass), time is the most important parameter which moves the narrative academic standards (I’m so high), and we are in the New Year’s Eve and all shows on first sight cheerful and festive.

Bullshit.

So, is it better than “The Human Centipede 2 (Full Sequence)”?

No. Hell no.

The characters through many emotional and less comical situations are easily predictable in a pleasant but dull (like an AM/PM hamburger, yummy, and yet gross) in the whole movie follows the same recipe last year’s “Valentine’s Day” by the same director (Garry Marshall – who has giant big teeth… creepy).

That “little bit of everything” – loves all types and ages.

Here of course the nature of the celebration that unites or reunites families (as opposed to“Valentine’s Day” where we saw first young love, but without guilt and boners) seeing traumatic relationships and people in crisis who are required to overcome the wounds of the past or to retrieve media a second chance (like you, Kyrle – your obsession with pecs was your undoing – I said it!).

Usually the New Year people make “self” for their mistakes and set goals for the new (or drunk, and then the regret, and then the pregnancy).

Experiential endoscopy – I think – makes the standing on the story of New YORK’S Eve – sorry, New YEAR’S Eve.

The story of an estranged, and severe ill father (Robert De Niro – he must pay the bills, poor bastard) of Hillary Swank (no character name that I remember but major boobs), responsible for the celebration in Times Square (she fails) is typical of the dramatic tone that introduces us to the plot of Big Tooth Man Director and the character of Michelle Pfeiffer (yes!) who give up everything for to live within a few hours, as did a whole life, shows that things do not always go as we dream, chasing unrealistic time.

(This is an homage to The Talking Heads, from me, Kimmo Mustonenen I’m pretty high.)

The melancholy touches, however, is temporary and as time is pressing everyone to catch up to complete the remaining issues created some grotesque comic situations such as the birth of babies(!) by Jessica Biel. I guess Timberlake finally got busy. Tap it, Justin!

It is gratifying to planning something carefully and setting goals which will then happen by hard effort, but some things make nature itself …as twins.

WTF?!?

Can arrange a time for a natural phenomenon? With the help of technology, perhaps!

(This is an homage to DEVO. Holy crap, I may never come down!)

This is not, damage to the “countdown to the ball” in the Times Square of New York causes a confusion in the already fragile nature of the Swankster (she said I could call her that), but the right decision to put the right person for the repair of the short time until midnight (an electrician who had been dismissed in the past) shows that, in some relationships inevitably “make cycle”.

(This is an homage to my bong. Son of a bitch. I’m wasted.)

Then there is the shit-ton avalanche of other stars: Ashton Kutcher (The Cougar Tamer), Lea Michelle (Playskool’s “My First Streisand”), Sarah Jessica Parker (My Little Pony), Abigail Breslin (Why Are You In This Shit?), Halle Barry (Another Razzie?) and Zac Efron (“It’s a trap!”).

This is a soup lesson.

How?

You want a soup to make. You have ingredients for the soup in the millions. You know in reality the best soup? Maybe five ingredients. Maybe ten.

Instead, all ingredients go into the soup.

All millions.

And the soup? Shit.

You have now spent time and treasure to create shit soup.

And the name of your shit soup?

New Year’s Eve.

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. Soon I will see Charlize Theron in “Young Adult”. Ginnifer Goodwin, you are so out of my mind (in the not good way).

P.P.S. I’m so fried. I have a total hard-on for the Flame Flavored Cheeto. Tell me the favorite of your high Cheeto in the comments! Damn, I’m hungry.

What?