Jai James – Behind the Proscenium

Independence Day: Resurgence

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

“Kimmo, you were gone again. W in TF, crazy Finn?” You asked this of me.

My fingers now answer.

I could not write from the jail house.

We were too busy a singin’ that rock.

Baby!

Let’s rock!

I lie.

There is no mouth music out of my face in the big house.

Or even the little house… L.A. County.

That is where my time was because I had a case of the stalking. Not my fault – she was the one that made me the one that was doing the doing.

So pretty.

So smart.

Mine.

Maika Monroe – I will stay 300 foot from you, with the order that is restraining my love.

You say that the “It” in “It Follows” was named Kimmo.

If so, I am charged guilty – guilty of Goddess worshipping.

But then… then… your ding damn movie!

W in TF?

Oh Odin!

I tried for the drunkening.

I smoked the sweet, sweet smoke.

I, with accidental dumb, froze my nut bag with ice cream Bon-Bons (again! I hope my swimmers are still active).

But I must have to say – my IQ was shed of a good 50 points much like dog hairs falling in the heat wave.

IQ all over the sofa.

IQ all over my jacket.

IQ stuck in my butt crack.

“Independence Day: Resurgence” is so dumb, that dumb is smart to it.

How dumb?

OK!

Dumb plot?

Sure!

Will Smith has asked for so much cheddar that he is now just a portrait.

His son (Jessie T. Usher) is a mannequin that is also a pilot.

Judd Hirsh is still Jewing – his boat is floated by continent-sized alien frisbee into Nevada. Believing is total, really – only 90% of audience went “bulls are shitting here” when seeing this.

David Levinson (Jeff Goldblum) is still on meth twitchy – but his ex-wife from 20 years ago is a goner. Or she is now French (Charlotte Gainsbourg). There is no explanation.

The there is Mr. Sass (Liam Hemsworth) who is also hot shot top gun pilot guy. He can fly anything (as well as not kill puppies when listening to Miley Cyrus talk – maybe the deafness has saved his brain).

Data (Brent Spiner) who died in ID4 has beaten dead, but unlike Christ took longer than 3 days to be the groundhog. He is funny, and with it has many more smarts than the movie film.

President Whitmore (Bill Pullman) has a cane, so we know he is the crazy. His daughter (Maika, I forgive you, and will for every time you have me arrested – so stop with that doing of arresting, OK?) is hot and is good at piloting, too. And she and Liam are in the Mile High Club.

Hopefully. If I was Liam.

Pac-Man comes to the moon, but we are all “suck it, Pac-Man” and shoot him in the face. But… he has come to say that… they are coming… Space Invaders!!!

Ugh.

Same shi-ite, different movie.

More coincidences that can possibly be coincidental.

Everybody ends up somewhere where the rest of everybody is. Then the other bodies end up where they are at.

Then some are in the giant alien frisbee bigger than Antarctica.

Then they are not.

There are speeches.

There are ethnic people on the radios listening to the speeches and maybe the World Cup (all of us ethnics listen to futball on the radio – so you can recognize us as not you).

Explosions.

Pac-Man is really Pac-Girl.

Whaaaaaaat?!?

Damn.

I wonder who wins.

So.

Two thumbs, like the ice-box carrots that became mine three weeks ago and are limper now than little Kimmo in the jail shower (fear makes soft – fact), pointing dirt-ward.

I will have this movie on my eyes maybe once more – this fall – while drunk and high and trying to sleep and ID:R slithers up on the HBO.

I will blow kisses to Maika, squirt water from my eyes in love-pain, and like a tiny little girl cry myself to my sleeping place.

But for you? Go see “Swiss Army Man” – Harry Potter farting > Jeff Goldblum twitching. Fact.

Kimmo Mustonenen – Kimmo On Kino – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. What in the F, Great Britain? Now you are like Norway, but without pickled herring. And Norway without pickled herring is just Great Britain. Put that in your pipe and chew on it.

P.P.S. Maika, I forgive you… and will wait for you until Gemma Arterton’s next film. Then Gemma is mine. You have been warned! But I still forgive you.

Cowboys & Aliens

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

Cowboys & Aliens. Who didn’t play this game in the backyard, when you were children?

I was always a cowboy for I had a hat. It (the scenario) was better on my neighbor Kurri’s backyard; than it was on the big-ass screen.

Story? Well, here goes something…

If a stranger wakes up in the middle in New Mexico in 1873, he does not have memory of his past.

So says this film.

The only reference point which he has is, clamped to his wrist, an outlandish metal bracelet.

The foreigner walks into the city of Absolution and confuses and angers of the local cattle baron – his son. And he has run afoul and a brigand (yes, at the same time).

But when he finds out why he can’t think (not booze – though that has made me not think – like last Wednesday… but that is for another article – boy, I was drunk) – I just got lost in my own sentence.

And from here, Cowboys & Aliens enters into same old, same old cycle, which has the again formed group to run into sporadic detours on their journey – only to be alien attacked again and again.

I miss Indians.

The attacks are shot acceptable. Director Jon Favreau is not stranger to the shooting activity, but there’s no tension, no edge of their seat excitement, which should come at all directions and from each possible position of constraint.

And then we find the heroes can die.

No one never did die in the Kurri’s backyard (not for lack of trying).

Cowboys & Aliens is played fast and loose. The film wastes no time with receiving firmly into and soon it is alien time.

This sets the movie away from other, shy, films. Like Super 8. Show the monster already!

Daniel Craig forms persuasive ass-kicker, for very much a cowboy. That is, if you’ve never seen a movie about cowboys – with or without aliens.

I won’t spoil the alien look. They’re gnarly and ugly – like Kathy Griffin (ha! A joke!).

But even awkward exhibition and lengthy letters can work on their way into an exciting adventure film. Unfortunately, no person it seems in Cowboys & Aliens seems to have fun.

Harrison Ford grumbles with constipation, which does in each film for the last several years (two words – stool softener. Changed my life).

There are moments here and, where he and Craig talk to each other with their eyeballs. Those moments are cool.

Sam Rockwell seems the only member which thoroughly amuses himself. At my screening, the chant “More Sam, more Sam” made the rafters dance (disco!).

And this disappointment continues and on into approximately each aspect of Cowboys & Aliens (that is fun to type).

A western film, tries to have John Ford landscapes, can not strike the necessary boundry-lessness of the west – and the alien motivation for the Earth grabbing? Stupid, stupid, stupid (my editor stops me at three stupids).

Summary: Cowboy & Aliens was better in the Kurri’s backyard of my childhood than in the multiplex which now probably fills the backyard of your youth.

Oh, and Olivia Wilde is fetching (new word)!

Kimmo Mustonenen (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

Tag: Jai James

Independence Day: Resurgence [REVIEW]

Cowboys & Aliens [REVIEW]