Jeremy Irons – Behind the Proscenium

Justice League

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

There are things for the talking.

All involve dick wagging, dick tugging, boob grabbing, pussy wrangling, and tongue rehearsals.

Ick.

Hollywood, what up?

D.C., what up?

Alabama – you am just being Alabama I guess – if creepy old guy for Senate was dry humping his sister. That is totally of the Alabama.

There are too many to name.

And it is the suck of all sucks.

I now have the sads.

Until… JUSTICE LEAGUE!!!

First was the smoke.

The sweet, sweet smoke.

My brain said, “if that Superman-ending damn poop monster comes back (from B vs. S – Justice At Dawn), I’ll have a poop monster of my own making in my Loom Fruits!”

So I calmed my mind with numbness. And three shots of Kossu.

At 110 minutes I didn’t fear the urinal siren call. So down goes shot #4. Now I was ready.

First, Batman (Ben Affleck – uninvited butt grabber) is still Will Arnett (best Batman) and angsty. Wonder Woman (Gal Gadot) walks in leather pants until the shit (being Steppenwolf – 60s band but now bad guy from shit video game [Ciarán Hinds]) hits the fan as if monkey flung from monkey butt at school field trip while zoo-ing). He wants boxes to make his Mother.

It made sense.

This must be believed.

I mean, he came from space!

The flying monkeys (Oz style) come flying around, but there are no flying houses… wait, yes, there are!

So Batman wants to put a band together.

He finds Aquadude (Khal Drogo) and a self-described Jew who is also The Flash (Ezra Miller).

Then there is (I think) a Transformer called Cyborg (Ray Fisher). He plugs in to more shit than R2-D2.

Yes, that is possible.

There is wit, flung like the fan hitting poop (thanks, Joss Whedon).

This is a “not so dark” DC movie.

And it was awesome-sauce!

Why is this a saying?

And, also, “amaze-balls.”

Why?

Both words are banned from my world.

You are welcome!

What I mean, when said correctly, is two thumbs –

SPOILER ALERT!

“Up, up, and away!”

END SPOILER ALERT!

33% from Rotten Tomatoes is shit flying – water cannon style – from an enraged bull. I will see it again. My love for Gal Gadot is now equal to the love I had for Ginnifer Goodwin in the ancient past and the love I had for Gemma Arterton combined in to a love pile. My only chance for love fulfilling is to see her in IMAX.

Again.

And again Damn.

It is wonderful.

Kimmo Mustonenen – Behind The Proscenium – Manka Bros. Studios

P.S. Louis CK, you are a sick fuck. The internet was created for the porn! Use it!

P.P.S. Al, you were good enough, smart enough, and you still were pooch screwing. Idiot.

P.P.P.S. Who will be next? I will start a “Career Now Dead Pool Because of Sick Predatory Behavior”! Give me the answers that are yours of who is next in the comments!

The Words

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

For the critic of the film there is always the hope, “please Odin, let this be the one.

The great film of the year!”

Then the thoughts crawl into the reality space and think “at least be the one that entertains my brain and makes me think of the movie and not running with the screams out of the theater.”

Then the thoughts go to “please don’t let this movie be a fart in my mouth hole – I hope I put another bottle of Kossu in the freezer, just in case.”

Finally the thoughts are “Odin, if you end my life now at least the pain won’t last like that of “Transformers 3” – do I need sweet smoke from the dispensary to dull the horror ache and so I can also soothe my hurt with Cheetos?”

Crappy honest truth: 1^st thoughts happen 2% of time, 2^nd thoughts 10%, 3^rd thoughts 65%, and 4^th thoughts 23% (Intern – add up the numbers. I’m so high). The ratio is never to be betted on, yet I still take this paycheck.

I am a reviewer.

Today’s film? “The Words.”

“The Word” would have been better because it is shorter. But know, we are to suffer on “The Words.”

Plot? Too much. But like a Ukrainian nesting doll in the backwards. And not interesting, but not so bad for a fart in the mouth hole (my new ratings system!).

Spoiler Alerts!

We make start with the inside doll. An American soldier (Ben Barnes) who falls in love with a French barmaid (Nora Arnezeder) after one of the World Wars.

But this story is contained in doll #2 (number two – this is related to the fart) which is about Rory Jansen (Bradley Cooper – douche, but not like Shia) who writes a book that an award is put on, “The Window Tears.” Then another doll! The outside-est of the dolls.

This story is in the story of Clay Hammond (Dennis Quaid) and his book “The Words” (so clever!).

Olivia Wilde is involved, and doesn’t get naked. This made me sad.

BUT, in the #2 fart doll, Rory didn’t the writing of the book! Holy shit! Here comes Jeremy Irons!

Rory is in the big trouble.

End spoilers!

Go ahead and follow through on the spoiler reading. Then when the girlfriend makes you with eyes open watch this you can still sleep with your brain off.

Or think of the nakedness of Olivia Wilde that is not seen.

Whatever is for the floating of your boat.

For me, two thumbs just sitting like thumbs… thumbs staring at each other thinking “what the hell, thumb?”

Luckily for Kimmo, I found a Kossu flask in my jacket while this inside doll took up the screen. It was mostly full for 45 seconds, then mostly empty.

“The Words” was better for about 20 minutes.

Better yet? 3 hits of the sweet, sweet “Blue Dream” smoke.

And popcorn.

With that, one more brain attack by “Transformers 3′ can be handled.

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. Finally, that little mariachi elf from “America’s Got Talent” is gone. My hatred for him burned like white hot steel inside the Finnish sun on fire. It defined my existence. Without the elf and the hate my life is nothing. Until “The Voice.” Christina has the big ones. Two of them. Kimmo like.

Tag: Jeremy Irons

Justice League [REVIEW]

The Words [REVIEW]