Julian Seager – Behind the Proscenium

March 13, 2015March 13, 2015

Cinderella [REVIEW]

Cinderella

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

I have for a while, been away.

Not for purpose, but because damn dumb bad.

I had measles.

Not any measles.

Disneyland Measles.

Some disease child left his funk on Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride and then I was with the infection. Or maybe it was stupid Tea Cups (they are good for nothing).

Damn. I was with icky red spots covered – as if a jar of jam had exploded and vaporized over my body – but not delicious.

All that was delicious was the Kossu I drank by the liter, putting out my jam inspired skin fire.

For weeks I got to think, “why were my parents in my baby pooping times dirty hippies living in North Finland commune?”

As is known to all not dirty hippies, they don’t put dead or weak viruses in their children. They are too high to worry about science. Or bathing. Or shaving arm pits.

But mainly science.

When my parents became clean and with jobs again and now being good society people (but still high) they forgot that I never had the only needle that I wanted for germ killing.

So, at the Happiest Place on Earth (no way really, best happy place is Six Flags “Now We Puke With Our New Hispanic Friends” Magic Mountain – just not on “Gang Night” – too many casualties) I get crappy Disneyland Measles.

And neither Kossu or the sweet, sweet smoke could made it OK.

But something just did make things OK.

Or someone.

And that someone was hot piece of 99% woman – she gave me the tingles. In my man place. And in my man mind.

She is Cinderella (Lily James).

Plot? Hells yeah, and more.

Lust and politics.

CGI mice.

Did I mention Lily James?

Poor Cinderella. She lives in Make Believe with Cool Dad (British Guy) and Hot Mom (British Chick).

In Make Believe, the 99% live in McMansions and have servants. But they want to be the 2%, like Prince Kit (Rob Stark).

Prince Kit’s Dad (Derek Jacobi) wants Kit to marry into the 1%.

When Cool Dad and Hot Mom die, Cinderella is forced to live with Stepmother (MILF Cate Blanchett) and Step Sisters (bitch face women from “Fashion Police”, I think).

Her new family is the suck.

Cinderella is so effed up she is talking to mice, a stag, some lizards, a bird, and (gasp) even the help.

One day, while out on a horse (that she is not talking to), she runs into Mr. Stag. He’s all like “Rob Stark wants to gut me” and Cinderella is all like “No way, Jose. Light that rocket in your ass and jet on out.”

Mr. Stag is all like “Don’t have to say that twice girlfriend” and bounces.

Rob Stark shows up and is all like “Damn, girl, you are fine! And nice. You are mine.”

Cinderella is all like (in her mind thoughts) “Mmmm, mmm, mmm – we are gonna be getting’ busy… in our married future which may never come.”

What happens next? Smoke the smoke, drink the drink, request Uber, and GO TO THE MULTIPLEX.

PUBLIC SERVICE MESSAGE: Always smoke, always drink, and always Uber. Kimmo approves of this message.

There are disappointments in Cinderella.

Rob Stark wears tight pants but they strap down his “Hamm-aconda” (Jon Hamm’s conjoined twin – groin beast – in “Mad Men” – it is legendary).

Now, it could be that Rob Stark isn’t packing… but we all know that is a damned liar lie. It would have been nice for the ladies.

So, I have two thumbs (and other things, I am winking at you with innuendo) straining to the CGI sky.

Cinderella is good.

No shit.

You may even have eye water leaks (damn romance stuff – maybe there was dust in the air).

See it, if you have a heart.

Kimmo Mustonenen – Kimmo On Kimmo – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. “The 100!!!!!!!!!!!!!” Damn, Clarke. You are one stone cold-assed assassin. Now learn to forgive and go make out with Lexa. It is your destiny. And it will be appointment TV. At least in the house of Kimmo.

P.P.S. Pete Carroll, you are owning me $500. Passing on the 1? With two time outs and Marshawn Lynch? Huh. Really. There is in Seattle Aquarium a hermit crab named Marshawn Pinch. This is the truth. Marshawn Pinch would have from the 1 scored. Damn.

August 23, 2013

The World’s End [REVIEW]

The World’s End

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

There are times in which life is art.

And then the art is also life, in reality.

The brain sees, with his eyeball friends, things that are not real reality – but film reality which is sometimes MORE real, although not at all.

This is that time, or was.

When I was in “The World’s End.”

Or so I had the thought that it was true.

I’ll explain.

“The World’s End” is my life story without me and my life.

“How am this be possible, Kimmo?” shouts your thoughts.

So did my own thinking thoughts, with the shouting. I was confusion.

See if this helps:

Plot? Hell right!

In the distant past, before internet porn, Gary (Simon Pegg) was too cool for most school. He had too cool friends – Peter (Eddie Marsan), Oliver (Martin Freeman), Steven (Paddy Considine) and funny fat guy Andrew (Nick Frost).

They are different actors when younger. Even with the sweet, sweet smoke there was no brain confusion from this.

They went on the most ever of all epic pub crawls (in Finland we call this “pretty much every day of the week”) – “The Golden Mile” only to become whimpy nerds after six.

This failing causes them all to be boring older persons, except for Gary, who is still good at drinking.

In the today times, Gary wants to recreate the moment and defeat “The Golden Mile” and make it to the last pub (The World’s End) where there will be much vomiting if done correctly.

He gathers his older, more hairless gang, and head to town.

Then weird shit hits the fan.

I will give no spoiling, only to say that the trailer had robots and the movie has robots. On a pub crawl.

This is where it is my life.

In Finland, there are many crawling to pubs AND there are robots. Son of a bitch.

Why is my living life on the movie screen? I am in freak out mode.

Simon Pegg is playing me. WTF?

When I had a calmer time, I began to see the genius of it all. Make a movie about Kimmo, without Kimmo, and Kimmo will love the damn thing!

So, what have my feelings on this to say?

First, great, great movie!

Friends, beer, hot chicks, beer, shots, beer, robots, beer, and then more beer.

Acting – great! Andy drinks water and Gary is all “you are for the drinking of rain!”. So, writing is good, too.

If you are of the drinking person type, you will drool into your popcorn.

I did.

The beer is luxuriously photo’d. Damn, the beer was pretty.

Then there are three girls known in the past as “The Marmalade Sandwich.”

They deserve it, and prove it in the best sequence that had no nudity but was still “ooo la la” to my nether regions. My loins quivered.

My only fault finding with this film was that the three were not butt naked. The movie would have then been an instant classical movie.

So, two thumbs straining to the sky! I am all happiness, for now I know that Hollywood (English Hollywood – they talk more better and party hearty!) knows how my mind thinks and that makes me happy.

For I miss Finland.

I miss crawling to pubs.

And I miss crawling to pubs with robots.

Go to Finland and one day you will miss these things, too.

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. American football is almost here. I have now eaten a hot wing, a nacho, and those quesadilla things. American football will make me a fatty fatterson! And I am in love with it!

June 22, 2013

World War Z [REVIEW]

World War Z

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

This week has made me hard.

It is hard when tragedy is the brain state to be in.

And I was.

I thought it was his death.

On the internet, my eyeholes made my brain see the truth – Gandalf was dead. “Noooooo!” my mind thoughts shrieked with silence.

“There are two more Hobbits with movies!” they again cried.

“He ass kicked Balrog – there is no “in this world” death for Gandalf!”

My squirting tears made for the red faced embarrassing at stupid Starbucks.

It turns out my mind thoughts were out of my mouth shouted.

Really loud.

The barista to me says “Gandalf is fictional – It is James Gandolfini who am dead.”

Well, that is suck.

“The Soprano Family” was all-time favorite of all Finns.

No reunion show now.

Not even in Italian heaven, for Tony bathed in an evil bath.

You are remembered with smiling, James Gandolfini – except for “The Last Castle.”

That move was a floating turd in your acting punchbowl.

Now for the reviewing.

“World War Z.”

I had a great learning from this movie-film:

Never read a book.

Especially if there is a film in the future which will give the believing that the movie is based on the book with the same name.

How many times am I to be the stupid guy?

“Starship Troopers” – sooo excited!

Movie – title, bugs, and space. Nothing else in common with cool book.

“The Postman” – thought in head book in shit future, well done!

Movie – title, postal uniform and horses. And Kevin Goddamn Costner. Barf.

Now “World War Z” – epic oral history of near end of mankind – super cool!

Movie – title, zombies, war. And Brad Goddamn Pitt. Double barf. With chunks.

Plot? Kind of.

All of it starts with a typical day in Philadelphia with zombies playing a big game of “Zombie Bite Tag.”

Rules are to run very fast, then bite the person running to the away place and then he/she is “it.” You (the zombie biter) are still “it”, too.

“Zombie Bite Tag” goes on until even people in Israel are “it.”

Gerry Lane (Brad Goddamn Pitt) with his wife Karin (Mireille Enos of “Wow! All Those Killings!”) don’t like “Zombie Bite Tag” and try to make it become to stop.

And make Kimmo try to care about if they are to be totally dead or just as dead as their acting. I (after sweet, sweet smoke and half a liter of Kossu) played “Zombie Bite Tag” with ice cream bon-bons, but not being a zombie from this dumb film, I swallowed.

Delicious!

Thoughts from “World War Z.”

In WWZ world, all zombies are from Usain Bolt. Thems suckers am fast!

Here’s how Zombie Olympics Sprint Finals are the results:

Bronze – tie! “The Walking Dead” zombies and “Night of the Living Dead” zombies! Damn shufflers.

Silver – tie! “28 Days Later” zombies (I know, Rage Virus… shut up, nerds!) and “Resident Evil” zombies (don’t start with me, nerds!). Fast, but enough fast?

Hells no!

Gold – “World War Z” zombies! By a long shot. Men rubbing against boys. No contest.

And in packs. Like high school girls. But less dangerous.

So, what was for learning with this movie-film?

Damon Lindelof is a hacker writer hack. Last 30 minutes remaking happened and he was the “writer.”

30 minutes of “I really need another hit of smoke/Kossu if interesting is to be me to this film.”

Don’t believe the hacking?

See “Lost” Season 6. Hack, hack, hack. And hack again.

Also, (SPOILER ALERT – STOP READING NOW, NERDS!) when Arabs and Israeli’s sing together, zombies must make it stop. Singing is anger to the undead.

They climb and run and bite and climb. (NO MORE SPOLERS – I DON’T THINK SO AND HOPE NOT)

Finally? Never read a book. The movie will only disappoint you like the internet death of Gandalf.

Even if it was always the other guy anyway. Gandolfini. Finland will miss you.

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. Summer T.V.! Live action “Simpson’s Movie” called “Under the Dome” is to be the bomb! The good bomb, as the saying comes from the kids. What would you do Under the Dome? When the weed ran out? Other than the crying…