Karl Urban – Behind the Proscenium

Riddick

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

As summer ends, it begins.

In the southern of California, my new happy place, I smile for the heat is less than it was and yet women wear no clothes.

Win, win!

Although it is a time for a movie suckage-fest that makes my brain say “Eyeballs! No more of the film watching! I am becoming a mush brain!” the summer has many of the good.

As before when I said, auditioning but never working actress people in sun dresses are better for eyeballs than Cinema.

Hubba.

Then, my sadness is rising as my body is limping – the heat is for arrival.

Hot.

Heat.

100 degrees and my air conditioned cooler machine works like Baz Luhrmann directing “Platoon.” As in, my apartment was to be cooled by American soldiers in Vietnam dancing to Beyoncé music while wearing gold-lamé banana hammocks.

Or to say with less words, the AC didn’t work.

My taint is a jungle. Steaming. Sweaty. With an itch that I fear to scratch.

Like “Riddick.”

The last of the movies that summer spits up into the multi-plex.

Just when good movie time is to begin again – movie Spring in Fall – the last drooling retard movie must stumble into the theater.

“Come on in Riddick – I can handle your drool-ish suck.”

But wait… I am in for the surprising! WTF?

I am all for “Riddick”!

Confession – I made love to “Pitch Black” (beautiful dreams). Radha Mitchell was to be my Queen (before even Ginnifer Goodwin).

Then my thumbs drooped for “The Chronicles of Riddick” (that had as much to do with “Pitch Black” as American soldiers in gold-lamé banana hammocks, etc., etc.).

I no exciting thoughts had in my mind for the new one.

Wrong. Yes, there is the admission.

Plot? Ka-boom!!! Good ka-boom.

Here goes (give me the forgiving, for this is short, as the spoilage must be avoided):

Riddick (Vin Diesel) – post crappy “Chronicles” – is betrayed by his own people and left for dead on a desolate, sun-scorched planet.

There is nothing to do… but then come on forces to mess with Riddick and battle the alien predators that beset him. Because the alien predators beset everybody.

These are not the alien predators with dreadlocks. These have no sense of humor and would easily lose to Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Riddick waits until he is stronger than ever and a team of bounty hunters in the universe can challenge to open hunting him.

While a devastating storm comes raging, swears the bad-ass soldiers of misfortune (clever!) that they will only leave the planet if they have the head of Riddick in a box – like the end of “Se7en” says Team Better Clothes Boss Johns (Matt Nable).

But with his enemy exactly where he wants, Riddick start his own merciless revenge.

Only he can pave the way to return to home planet Furya back. The leader of Team We Don’t Shave (Jordi Molla) is also in the way.

The good?

EVERYTHING!

Especially the toughest ass-kick woman on seven solar systems, Dahl (Katee Sackhoff). Maybe more solar systems.

I pulled seven from the hole behind my jungle taint. And Riddick kills slimy alien monster bastards with his hands and other appendages.

Damn straight.

Then there is more alien killing, more human killing, and a big ass storm!

Yeehaw!!!

So, two thumbs reaching up to the planet where on day I will frolic with Radha Mitchell – even though the heat makes me wilt like the Swedes in modern warfare (oh, that’s right Sweden, you’re neutral – or maybe…NEUTERED!).

I was too tired to smoke the sweet, sweet smoke and too much thirsty to drink other than bubbly sugar water and I still want to see “Riddick” three more times.

And not just for the air conditioning. If for that, I would see it ten more.

Go, now. Or better yet, go yesterday – then comment and say how much you loved “Riddick” – and missed Radha Mitchell.

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. Only four more episodes of “Breaking Bad.” I am not ready for an ending to come. My Sunday’s will more have Skinny Pete and Badger. No more Saul. No more Jesse. Who on my television screen will yell “Yo, bitch!”? My face is in the shape of sad. I will miss you, Walter White. Marie, I will not miss you, so go to hell.

Priest

With wit, reviewed by Kimmo Mustonenen

Another comic, another fairy tale, everything is so commonplace that one can only sit back and anticipate the events of the film.

Even the trump card – an explanation of all that is happening on the screen, issued at the beginning of the tape.

What?

And, apparently, the authors rely on the most stupid – you are no parables, all shows pictures, against which the voice of simple monosyllabic sentences, explains:

“There have always been people, and have always been vampires.”

Thanks Voice!

In the distant future, the remnants of civilization are concentrated in cities surrounded by wasteland. In the desert, scattered small settlements and numerous colony-reservation containing vampires.

About how the U.S. turned into a desert, why in the towns, settlements, all seem to the Wild West, and big cities are more like dungeons that hold the power of the totalitarian-minded priests – come on now! Not reported!

In the comic, the previous film, showing only the Middle Ages and the recent past, but says nothing about what needed nuclear carpet bombing.

However, one detail still unknown – the vampires have helped overcome the guys from the church SWAT called “pastors.” These brisk as worms, priests, nearly all suppressed the rebellion of vampires, but after all that they needed neither the church and were dismissed.

Everything changes after one town attacked the vampires and kidnapped relative of one of the pastors. That, of course, goes against the decision of the church council and sent to rescue a girl who suddenly (!) turns out to be his daughter. Well, the church council also not be a fool after sending him to the other shepherds with orders to return to the apostate dead or alive.

I always want to look into the eyes of filmmakers, who took off one of squalor, not complacent, and immediately, the very next day after failing to hire them to be taken to create a new epic movie.

What?

I must admit that Scott Charles Stewart learned a lot since his debut – sadly, nauseating film “Legion“, the most interesting aspect of which was an advertising trailer.

In the “Shepherd” Scott realized that, firstly, the religious themes are already not too terrified minds, especially those viewers that they believe in the Buddha and other Bhagavad-Gita, and secondly, two billion potential viewers on Christian motives for and large, do not care.

Therefore, hastily changing the archangels with the priests uncertain religion, only the cross (and even then – not canonical) reminiscent of Christianity, and all sorts of adversity Doomsday – and also vampires.

Still, the film is ready. Especially handy is the sidekick Paul Bethany, has played in a masterpiece of “Legion” of the main good-natured person that went against God’s will.

“What’s next?” – thought Scott Charles Stewart. Indeed, one priest, struggling with the vampires, does not go far, and in general – “Blade” is still fresh in memory (tax evasion). Means it is necessary to add something, right?

The main villain invented obviously under the influence of the film “John Hex“- yet another monstrously miserable comics masterpiece, as a vampire in a cowboy outfit (with a dog, and a fox… Megan Fox that is. What?) – it’s sort of cool, not un-sucky. It turned out funny film – it is not clear to whom it is intended.

Fans of horror and vampire fighters will spit on the pathetic dialogue, causing a gagging impulse, whereas these impulses should call the cruelty of prohibitive. Kids watch this film – though there’s no nudity and vulgarity, to sleep after such horror, kids will, quite frankly, bad. BAD!

Mass audience? It is unlikely that someone decides to go on a date for this movie here. There are only fans of the “Legion “, but judging by the collections, such – not enough to swear by.

And then there was unbearably serious Paul Bethany. In his companions gave Maggie Q playing the protagonist in love with a colleague on a religious commandos, and Cam Gigandet in the role of the local sheriff who helps the protagonist. All of this trio looks absurd – well, they did not seem like to a team, no chance to meet people of liking.

Somewhere that does not sink or float.

Or swim, by floating.

What?

And when they start talking … well, about the conversations I have already mentioned.

The only thing I can not praise this film – the visual design. Locations quite a lot you see, they are interesting and varied. Plus a few scenes where the pastor and his comrades destroy the vampires and their minions are well supplied. With regard to 3D – a help for him very little, and watch in 3D there are not at that and no one else.

Verdict : Compared with the “Legion” – this film is a real breakthrough. No “Fast and the Furious Five“, but yes. But Bethany is still dull, and Scott Charles Stewart, whatever.

Just add Ginnifer Goodwin, and at hand is a classic.

Ginnifer Goodwin. What?

Kimmo Mustonenen
Follow @KimmoMustonenen

Tag: Karl Urban

Riddick [REVIEW]

Priest [REVIEW]