Lee Villeneuve – Behind the Proscenium

X-Men: Days of Future Past

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

Damn.

Sometimes, a guy, with a drunk mind wants to see a movie.

This is all right.

Why not?

Then comes a movie with before a course in the college of your choice you must have been all night using Adderall because this movie is the final of the second semester.

Damn.

Here we go.

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Did you see X-Men (2000)?

Magneto (Ian McKellen) was boss. His strong was not so strong. He messed up Mrs. Liberty, but with effort that makes one short.

There is no worrying, because Jean Grey (Famke Janssen) is hot.

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X2: X-Men United (2003). Now Magneto can lift tons of shit, with mind thoughts.

He must be having brain push-ups, for his brain moving can now win in the MMA.

This is okey dokey, because of Jean Grey.

She is hot.

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X-Men: The Last Stand (2006). Magneto lifts really big stuff, from far, far away (bridges, submarines).

He is somehow badder, bigger, yet with mad wrinkle-age.

I’m all “eh”, because Phoenix (Famke Janssen) is still for hot.

Except for the dying.

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X-Men Origins: Wolverine (2009).

Really?

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X-Men: First Class (2011). Back in time, Magneto (Michael Fassbender – not naked) has more powers than old-time Magneto in the future.

There is no sense in this to be made. Mystique (Rebecca Romijn) is now Raven (Jennifer Lawrence).

This a trade up.

My man parts approve. Boing!!!

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The Wolverine (2013).

Stinky poop, with everything Japanese except no Godzilla.

Avoid, unless you cannot.

Then see it while retching.

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X-Men: Days of Future Past (2014).

Finally!

We are at the time of the movie for me and the reviewing!

But, sadness, I am almost out of words.

Plot? Shit-tons of plot.

I will sum up in as less words than I can hope to type.

First is the future.

Asshole robots are killing all for just breathing air.

So bad is it all that mutants go to China for figuring out of the crap.

Here, the writers are all “Hey, Kitty Pryde (Ellen Page), we have no original ideas, so, in bad science fiction writer fashion, back in time you send Wolverine’s (Hugh Jackman) thought-essence to.”

It is like J.J. Abrams took a squat on this film from his butt.

The past has wide collars and wider pants legs. It is disturbing.

Mystique turns in to Foxy Brown – this makes my eyes wide, and brings the bottle to my mouth hole.

There is Vietnam, and Magneto (Fassbender again, and still no dangling parts dangling). He killed Kennedy and is now under the Pentagon being punished, very sad.

Now, things are more crazier.

Many things happen.

My brain goes, “slow down X-Men movie, for I have no clues as to what the hell!”

Then there is a Nixon.

Past Magneto can lift an entire stadium! In 1973 – yet in 2000 he cannot. So more brain “what the hell.”

Then I remember!

Ah, there is no sense in comic book movies.

This is not science fiction.

Comic books!

I now forgive.

If infant Magneto can lift planet Earth, do it son! Nothing must be of sense making.

Whew!

No more pressure to care who is who, and who is doing what with super powers.

So I do not harsh my high and enjoy all that is.

What is the meaning, to you, the viewing person, from me, of the writing?

This – two thumbs up.

A lot happens.

If you did not get an A in X-Men 206 (sophomore level, “who the hell are these characters” course) all is OK.

Drink your drink.

Smoke your smoke.

Stare at Jennifer Lawrence.

Then stare at her some more (I did).

It is worth the $12 ($47 if in 3D).

Take it to the bank.

In the past!

I say this in the present.

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. I realize that a Transformer turd movie is sitting on the horizon, looking at my soul. Odin, kill me with fire before I have to look on it to write on it. Please.

Summer is coming…

HEAR/SEE KIMMO’S REVIEW RIGHT HERE!

White House Down

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

Hollywood has hit me in my surprise place.

How is this possible?

I have large Hollywood knowledge – it cannot sneak up on myself.

But it did.

“Olympus Has Fallen Over” was released to us in March. It is June and the remake is already out!

Surprise!!!

A movie film that made $93 million is for to be a new movie costing $150 million in making.

Hollywood is smart.

“White Houses Downer” jumped from Roland Emmerich’s head and onto the screen with a splatter.

Bummer to me? Sure – but at least I didn’t have to review “The Heat” – flaming pain death would be better than that.

Or a kick to the ball sack.

Plot? Sure.

“White Houses Downer” is another “Die Hard” in the White House.

Django (Jamie Foxx) is as President Obama. He is for the quipping and is cool. Mike the Magician (Channing Tatum) is John McClane, with shoes.

There is a kid stuffed with cute. Hans Gruber (Who Cares) is running wild after falling from Nakatomi Plaza. Argyle (Nicolas Wright) has with a promotion now tours for the White House (not a downer, nor falling over) and is somehow whiter.

Maggie Gyllenhall looks more for the weird than ever (impossible! Yet true… would still do her if drunk).

Now (drums roll with excitement) – summer action movie roll-call… BEGIN!

CGI explosions: Here, sir!

CGI buildings falling down: Here, sir!

CGI car chases: Here, sir!

CGI aircraft: Here, sir!

Two dimensional characters: Here, sir!

Interesting thought inducing story:

Oh, shit.

Not here.

Ever.

Damn.

Where have you gone, Steven Seagal? You were never “just the cook.” Your “Die Hard” was better than this “Die Hard.” And on a boat.

And Magic Mike – why? Lucky for you there is more clothes than the last movie where you wear a mere banana hammock.

Terrorists could easily have defeated you in your budgie smugglers.

You have the muscles for wearing the nut huggers, but when defeating bad guys, the packed lunch is not to be out front.

Good job Magic Mike.

So… my thumbs know not what they have to do. I stayed awake. Is that good?

Maybe there is a yes – but the movie had so much loud ka-bang that not even the dead could stay asleep.

My butt did not hurt. But, again, the ka-bang made my seat into magic fingers that caressed my gluteus nicely with love.

I still had yearnings for the sweet, sweet smoke (I’m for the cutting down of it – to many munchies making me Mr. Fat Finn) but not so much that I cried for “White Houses Downer” to end.

See it if you missed “Olympus Has Fallen Over.”

Or have so much time for wasting that your life is a worthless pile. Then see the thing. That is all.

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. “Under the Dome” is the shit. A cow was cut in to two pieces. There was teenager sexing, plane explosions and death. How to be perfection? Acting lessons. And maybe Malin Akerman’s little sister. She is candy in my eye. Make it so, CBS. Now.

Tag: Lee Villeneuve

X-Men: Days of Future Past [REVIEW]

White House Down [REVIEW]