Leslie Quan – Behind the Proscenium

The Five-Year Engagement

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

First, cliché joke (I will not be the single sayer of this) – “The Five-Year Engagement” is also what seems to be the running time of the film.

It goes on.

And on.

And then on some more.

The butt hurts.

The movie doesn’t care.

The movie laughs at my discomfort.

But I don’t laugh at the movie.

Which is a comedy. Or an Apatow-medy.

So there are jokes on the dick.

The word “fuck” is used more than in “Glengarry Glen Ross.”

That is a lot of fucks.

But when people get to the fucking, all the women-types leave their tops on. Not a boob to make me smile.

America is weird.

Plot? Sure!

The film tells the story of the couple Violet Barnes (Emily Blunt – like the blunt that was for the smoking before the film) and Tom Solomon (Jason Segel – he gets naked and is covered in moles – creepy), whose relationship becomes strained when they realize they have much longer engagement (like 5 years, duh).

For lack of time, the two delay marriage for next year and, moreover, Violet enrolls at the University of Michigan for the studying.

Then is promoted at work by her boss (asshole, with sick karate skillz), and this entails the need to move to another city.

I think.

Or the same one, but for more bad times.

When formalizing the relationship seems to move a background in the lives of two lovers, paradoxically, parents are beginning to put pressure on them to hasten the wedding.

In addition, some older relatives die and not get to see even more young people to the altar.

And die, and die, and die.

These deaths were funny.

More deaths would have been better.

Troubled situation, Violet and Tom must decide quickly what they want from life and to manage better time because, otherwise, things seem to spiral out of control.

No more spoilers.

Funny things happen. Stifler from “American Reunion” is cloned into another person named Alex (Chris Pratt) for this.

Cinema wants more of the Stiflers. An entire mouth-word exchange is done as Cookie Monster and Elmo.

Emily Blunt is too much damn cuteness. Things happen that are too easy.

And a taco truck. If only there was a taco truck outside of the screening place.

Man, munchies can give one the drool face…

So, two thumbs taking a nap on the sideways.

All movie inhabitants were the likable people, but the thing made two hours many more hours of feeling. In my butt. Until my butt went to sweet, sweet sleep. Only to wake up at the credits – angry and painful.

Wait for DVD when it is Netflixing time. The unrated cut will last four and a half hours – but seem like six.. Sweet Jesus!

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. “The Voice” is fun! Blake Shelton is drunk! Christina lost weight! Cee Lo is borderline homosexual! Adam Levine is a douch-nozzle! No more “American Idol” for me!

John Carter

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

This week starts with a happiness explosion from my head mind (but not in the pants, dirty people).

“Kimmo, you are the man with a bag of lucky!” say I, Kimmo, to the self inside.

You see, I am to review my first love.

Not a human person. But a reading experience of youth.

Yes, the books series that made many endless Finnish nights come to an end.

An end that of happiness. That in Finland we call “morning.”

From “A Princess of Mars” through the crappy yet wonderful “John Carter of Mars: Skeleton Men of Jupiter” all asses were kicked.

Green and caucasian. Those from Helium to far off Ptarth

Then my first meat whacking to thoughts of Dejah Thoris (so hot in my mind! Best whack ever!).

How could Mr. Hollywood put the screw in the butt of “John Carter?”

Apparently with the ease of an experienced person who screws the butt of most great books for reading.

Disappointment is a pain that crawls in my stomach like a worm.

Or, here, like green four-armed Tars Tarkas (read the damn books!).

Crappy 3-D? Check!

CGI that is less than real than fake! Check!

$250 million spent on the crapping? Check!

Plot? Too much.

John Carter to Barsoom is somehow to there from here (Barsoom is Mars to Martians and others that have been to visit… Mars).

John falls in with Tharns who are green, four-armed, and totally whack.

I didn’t know that the William Dafoe had four arms – he is a good actor.

Carter (the hero) is played as a piece of white bread (Taylor Kitsch) with muscles.

And the whack queen of my first teens, Dejah Thoris, is the un-whack worth Lynn Collins.

Hollywood, you had almost 100 years to make a piece that is of a master and this is the warm pile that comes out?

What happened Mr. Director (Andrew Stanton)? With “Wall-E” I cried at mechanical homeless person who was lost among obese Americans lost in space.

Now even green, multi-limbed, bad-ass Tharns are like mouth pudding flavor free.

The loss of the hours wasn’t so much a hurt – watching my childhood friends of imagining being ass-raped (see “The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo”) was a pain that I will remember as long as I can – you see, even with the smoking of many loads of the wonderful Super O.G. Kush I could not find the liking… only the hating.

And the stomach-crawling disappoint.

So I have no more to say.

One thumb droops in mourning – the death of my childhood fantasies and hopes are now the truth of the screen.

The other thumb is to be right in the Mr. Disney butt – so now Mr. Disney, you know how “John Carter” feels.

I am sad.

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. “American Idol” – cannot next year (if there is one to be) have just one woman (who doesn’t make the eyes pain) over the age of 18? The “Season of Fugly” will no longer be watched. I watch “The Voice” now, waiting for Christina Aguilara’s imminent boob explosion. I quiver with the waiting.

Tag: Leslie Quan

The Five-Year Engagement [REVIEW]

John Carter [REVIEW]