Luc Besson – Behind the Proscenium

Lucy

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

Things that I, Kimmo, only use 10% of:

1) Muscles. Hard to be massive Super-Finn when keyboard is stuck to finger ends and I must drink Kossu and smoke for you people for the movies to know of watching or not. Hard work, but not of the muscle kind. Damn.

2) Jar of Pickled Herring. Damn stuff. Now that I am a burger eater (U.S.A.! U.S.A.!) that jar of heaven has turned in to jar of vinegar fish. Into the garbage, fish. My brain is hanging upside down.

3) Emotions. Until new love of my life – Tatiana Maslany – is made to me availability, I can only feel sulking and sad. 5% of each : ( Which is 10% in adding).

Now for some dumb: we all use all of our brains all of the time.

10% usage bullshit is 100% bullshit.

Yet 90% are little fool brains that go “OK! 10% it is! Preach on, Brother Luc!”

So, he does.

And so, we have “Lucy”.

Best part of “Lucy” (not including Scarlett Johansson’s parts)? You will only need 6% of your brain for the “Lucy” liking.

Maybe 5.

Plot? Does late night acid trip have plotting?

Then, yes – let’s go to Plot City!

In Taiwan, poor Lucy (Scarlett Johansson) is much too hot for crap friend (Pilou Asbaek) so he handcuffs her to a briefcase (take that, “50 Shades of Grey”).

Then there is death by shooting, and in comes Oldboy (Choi Min-sik). He puts blue drugs (Heisenberg shout out!) into her stomach and says, in his mind thoughts, “you are my hot mule now, bitch!”

He is right.

She is one hot mule.

Bitch.

Lucy reacts like a literal kick to the stomach, which happens.

Boom!

Drugs loose in the streaming blood of her body blood river, Lucy now gets a brain, bigger and faster than Caesar in the first Apes movie.

Now there is a race and who will win – Mr. Death, or Lucy’s brain – getting bigger, awesome-er, and crazier by the second?

Best times are when her cells start to get brainy.

All of them.

They are like, “we’re cells, and we’re outta here, man.” They are for splitting, but Lucy’s big brain says “eff that, cells. Stick around and things will get AWESOME!”

So they do.

Too give away any is to give away all, except: She is on a questing, to Paris (why not?), to find super smart guy Professor Norman (Morgan Freeman).

Lucy want to know 1) Why is my mind moving crap? 2) Why are my cells talking and wanting to leave me? 3) Where did these tentacles come from?

Norman has some answers, but not for tentacles (my fingers wanted to type “testicles”! Crazy dirty fingers!)

So, two thumbs up for reasons I am now giving (even two tentacles, if I had them… heh testicles).

With the sweet, sweet smoke and four shots of Kossu, the movie was a happy fun time in my cranium.

Special effects? Check.

Cool violence? Check.

Scarlett Johansson walking in slow motion (boing, boing, boing)? Double check.

And the movie was one hour and twenty nine minutes long. Take that Hollywood. It can be done. Now do it more often.

See “Lucy.” Her mega-brain demands it.

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. “The Strain” is some icky shit. But I am all in on loving it. No sparkly vampires, but vampire worms! Robert Pattinson, finally a vampire you would be good at! I kid, Robert. You would suck (as in “bad”, not vacuum blood into mouth hole), even as worm. This is the truth.

SEE KIMMO’S REVIEW RIGHT HERE:

“Colombiana”

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

1992.

Colombia (cocaine, not District of).

The little nine-year Cataleya witnessed the murder of her parents. She manages to escape the slaughter with difficulty and takes refuge in the United States with Emilio, her mobster uncle.

(My mobster uncle was Jarkko – he drowned in a Norwegian fjord smuggling high proof liquor. No movies for Jarkko. Why Norway, Jarkko, why?)

Fifteen years later, she is working for him as a hit-person. Your business card, an orchid drawn on the chest of their victims is a message to the murderers of their parents, because Cataleya’s determination to take her revenge to its logical conclusion.

Even if it means sacrificing everything she loves.

Exactly like James Caan in “Thief”. But with a worse soundtrack (Tangerine Dream FTW!)

Written and produced by Luc Besson, “Colombiana” is one of those crappy ass movies that proves the French film a commercial for American coinage.

Or “The Birdcage” – but much less gay.

With an international cast, led by Zoe Saldana, Jordi Moll and Cliff Curtis, “Colombiana” has a technical bill as carefully as the rest of the production of Besson.

I stand by that statement.

The plot is predictable and tend to be known by all who read bestsellers or industrial enjoy thrillers which today are content to nurture the multiplex.

Zoe Saldana portrays Cataleya Restrepo, a girl so beautiful and smart (but no longer blue… I see you! “Avatar”, you lump heads… ), whose fortunes changed from a tragedy: her parents were murdered in Bogotá by order of a vicious drug dealer. Well mannered drug dealers are not so bad from what I hear.

Since then, Cataleya has learned to handle all types of weapons with two very different purposes.

On the one hand, shines the minions who work in the service of her uncle Emilio (Cliff Curtis).

For another, she spends her free time to settle criminals hoping to find the one that killed their parents, like we all would do, but less pretty.

In short, we have here yet another version of vigilante cool, capable of sacrificing one’s neighbor without entirely losing morality.

Otherwise, there is some relationship between this heroin and other Cataleya invented years ago by Besson: Nikita!

As usual in such films, the atmosphere is a key element. Since the filming took place between Paris, Chicago,Miami,New Orleans and Mexico City, is not surprising that the most characteristic of each of these urban environments come to light in the display.

Of the cities. For our eyeballs.

The director, Olivier Megaton, Olivier Fontana is really called, is part of the Team Besson since he directed “Transporter 3” (poop pile).

For more signs, was also the second unit director of “Hitman” (poop pile), which gives us the key to his specialty: persecutions, parkour (French people climbing walls like tweekers), shootings and, ultimately, all these more or less frenetic sequences that characterize the genre that we occupies.

Summary: Zoe Saldana is a fox.

“Columbiana”, though made by people who make poop piles, is not a poop pile. WHAT?!

One thumb has a stiffie, the other is neutral, like Switzerland without the snobbery.

Netflix for sure.

Save your money for Apollo 18. At the trailer, I made my own poop pile… a poop pile for good!

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. September 20^th brings us new Glee. Lindsay, don’t let me down.

Tag: Luc Besson

Lucy [REVIEW]

Colombiana [REVIEW]