Luke Crawford – Behind the Proscenium

R.I.P.D.

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

Our brains can be crap.

Yes, this happens.

We think the excited, only for the suck to rise.

Why can this be for the happening?

We crave good.

I will give anything more than ever the chances it (“good movie, please Odin” speaks my brain) deserves.

I am for wanting every movie that is watched to be the greatness that was “Shark Night 3D”.

The universe thinks I deserve a worsening. So the universe makes me be with “R.I.P.D.”

Lord.

A mess this is in my mind place. My brain crap is now confusion.

I have seen this movie!

Three times.

“Men Are Black,” “Men Are Black II,” and “Men Are Black III (in 3D!).”

Tommy Lee Jones (“Abraham Lincoln Laywer”) and Will Smith (“Legend I Am”) put their good foot right in the ass while kicking. New thoughts and stories made my face a happy smile place.

Now this crap. Ugh.

Plot? You know it. I mean, you really know it. I go on anyway.

Nick the Cop (Ryan Reynolds) is killed by Hayes (Kevin Bacon – here, one degree from toilet water). Nick goes to Dilbert Heaven – corporate Heaven would really be Hell, although having the hot, hot, hot Mary-Louise Parker (is she really almost 49? – her soul must have been rented to the devil) there gives it some hope – and he (Nick) gets to become “Death Cop – Deado Killer.”

Really.

He is paired with Tommy Lee Jo- No.

Shit! He is paired with Roy (Jeff Bridges) who talks with his mouth like he has had a stroke.

Or two.

They are disguised to be a Chinese and Hot Boob-ula Chick (Marisa Miller – so hot when on the page and not moving, not so hot when talking). We must never know they are just actors, acting badly.

They are after “Deados” – dead people who are escaping the movie to get to a real life. Like T.V.’s “Reaper”, only less good stuff.

Nick wants to be with his not dead wife again.

Did it happen? Did I care?

Did I drink so much Kossu that the last 25 minutes where placed in a brain blender to be remembered as “whoooosh”?

I don’t know. No. And yes.

This hot mess did not direct itself. No. First, the story board was published in 2001 (now are you nerds happy?). Then Robert Schwentke needed money and said “sure! I’ll poop one out for ya!”

Voila! “R.I.P.D.”

Why, Hollywood, why?

Must all summer flicks be regurgitated Franken-films that am made from the body parts of other movies. Or be a clone of previous clone movies?

As long as the dollars flow to box offices like Kossu flows to my liver nightly we will be seeing the Franken-films forever. Damn…

My thumbs are weird and confusing. They twitched when things went boom. They twitched when the Hot Boob-ula Chick would walk in the slo-mo.

They twitched when I ran out of the most delicious ice cream Bon Bons even chewed by a man (me).

So, for this “R.I.P.D.” I had epileptic thumbs. Pointing every direction but up.

Tell your eyes to wait for “The Conjuring” or “The Smurfs 2.” I kid about the Smurfs. I would rather be shot in the face and eaten by weasels.

I speak the truth.

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. “Breaking Bad” is about to come to an ending. My sadness is bulging for there will be no more shows to see to. My love for this T.V. showing is so great that I will name my fantasy hockey club “Team Heisenberg” this year. If this is beyond your understanding sign up with Netflix and watch the damn show. Yesterday.

You’re welcome.

HEY – NOW “LIKE” ME ON FACEBOOK PLEASE!

American Reunion

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

Kimmo was in trouble.

Big trouble.

Last week I had super cool “Wrath of the Titans” review that I made.

Then the dumbness strikes.

I e-mail copy of review to my Uncle Tukka who is in living outside of the Helsinki – not to Kyrle, who is the editor that manages these things.

I have screwed Straight Up (like Paula Abdul!). Kyrle has made a rule that is new: Kossu shots OR bong loads, not Kossu shots AND bong loads.

This is fair, in my heart and in my head thoughts. I know that booze is good. So is the sweet, sweet smoke.

Together? I begin to be a Greeter Man at WalMart.

Sorry to my 15 loyal readers. I feel shame.

Now – for a movie!

And what a goddamn good time for a movie to have! I was very worrisome.

Every time Hollywood touches my past it is “the wrong touch.”

But “American Reunion?” I am sporting a Stifler!

Really. I am not kidding.

Plot? Sure!

All of our “American Pie” friends come back – 13 year reunions are important in America.

So, like locusts on Egypt they return. Jim (Jason Biggs) and Michelle (Alyson Hannigan) are married with kid attached. Oz (Chris Klein) works at crap ESPN channel. Finch (Eddie Kaye Thomas) is worldly in many ways. Kevin (Thomas Ian Nicholas) is whipped by Gossip Girls. Stifler (Seann William Scott) is… you will see as moments come by.

All are older, some are bigger in the wise area, some are better now as people than as high school students.

We see a penis.

Craps are taken in places where craps have never been before (so I hope).

Chicks that were once to be sat on as babies are now so hot for drooling.

Lies are lied.

Love is kindled (from the past) then rekindled – like fire!

Life is tested… some pass, others think they are taking another test (true story – remember old joke about Norwegian who stayed up all night studying for his urine test? NEVER GETS OLD!!!).

Many happy faces from the past float on the screen. We (I) smile.

I missed my “American Franchise” friends.

But sometimes, expectations are face rubbed in gravel.

The surprise that surprised me was too surprising. This is a movie about a Stifler.

I will now, out of my mouth (computer mouth) say – “Seann William Scott is the most funny comic actor of the last 20 years.” His eyeballs tell stories.

He makes sounds that my heart go a kind of “chugga-chugga”, in that straight “chugga-chugga” way. He is the man (boy) that my aspirations were looking at when I was the young.

Now he is complete. I feel, now, to be complete, too.

Jim’s father (Eugene Levy) deserves some kind of outing. He, now widowed, is still the father we wanted (without the Pie fucking advice – that was a metaphor anyhow – Jim was kind of a dumbness).

Stifler’s Mom (Jennifer Coolidge) has many more lines (on face and on script).

She must still be done. And done again.

Vicky (Tara Reid) is now a zombie – but hotter than any zombie on “The Walking Dead”. It was good to see her. But not for too long.

And Heather (Mena Suvari) has learned to cover her forehead (or 8-head, if we’re going by the thing’s size) with bangs. She is now to be whacked to – in a pinch.

So, two thumbs straining to heaven – which is warm pie!

I am in love with “American Reunion.” Laughs were barked out of my mouth and Dr. Pepper flew through my nose and on the critic to my front place (sorry, Peter Travers).

But never in the life that I live would I thought that I would be in Stifler love.

And I am. Like an American!

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. “American Idol” is the suck. I will now only watch “The Voice”. Or anything. Please comment on things that I may watch without Kosso AND bong loads. In advance – thank you!!!

Tag: Luke Crawford

R.I.P.D. [REVIEW]

American Reunion [REVIEW]