Matthew Baker – Behind the Proscenium

June 22, 2013

World War Z [REVIEW]

World War Z

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

This week has made me hard.

It is hard when tragedy is the brain state to be in.

And I was.

I thought it was his death.

On the internet, my eyeholes made my brain see the truth – Gandalf was dead. “Noooooo!” my mind thoughts shrieked with silence.

“There are two more Hobbits with movies!” they again cried.

“He ass kicked Balrog – there is no “in this world” death for Gandalf!”

My squirting tears made for the red faced embarrassing at stupid Starbucks.

It turns out my mind thoughts were out of my mouth shouted.

Really loud.

The barista to me says “Gandalf is fictional – It is James Gandolfini who am dead.”

Well, that is suck.

“The Soprano Family” was all-time favorite of all Finns.

No reunion show now.

Not even in Italian heaven, for Tony bathed in an evil bath.

You are remembered with smiling, James Gandolfini – except for “The Last Castle.”

That move was a floating turd in your acting punchbowl.

Now for the reviewing.

“World War Z.”

I had a great learning from this movie-film:

Never read a book.

Especially if there is a film in the future which will give the believing that the movie is based on the book with the same name.

How many times am I to be the stupid guy?

“Starship Troopers” – sooo excited!

Movie – title, bugs, and space. Nothing else in common with cool book.

“The Postman” – thought in head book in shit future, well done!

Movie – title, postal uniform and horses. And Kevin Goddamn Costner. Barf.

Now “World War Z” – epic oral history of near end of mankind – super cool!

Movie – title, zombies, war. And Brad Goddamn Pitt. Double barf. With chunks.

Plot? Kind of.

All of it starts with a typical day in Philadelphia with zombies playing a big game of “Zombie Bite Tag.”

Rules are to run very fast, then bite the person running to the away place and then he/she is “it.” You (the zombie biter) are still “it”, too.

“Zombie Bite Tag” goes on until even people in Israel are “it.”

Gerry Lane (Brad Goddamn Pitt) with his wife Karin (Mireille Enos of “Wow! All Those Killings!”) don’t like “Zombie Bite Tag” and try to make it become to stop.

And make Kimmo try to care about if they are to be totally dead or just as dead as their acting. I (after sweet, sweet smoke and half a liter of Kossu) played “Zombie Bite Tag” with ice cream bon-bons, but not being a zombie from this dumb film, I swallowed.

Delicious!

Thoughts from “World War Z.”

In WWZ world, all zombies are from Usain Bolt. Thems suckers am fast!

Here’s how Zombie Olympics Sprint Finals are the results:

Bronze – tie! “The Walking Dead” zombies and “Night of the Living Dead” zombies! Damn shufflers.

Silver – tie! “28 Days Later” zombies (I know, Rage Virus… shut up, nerds!) and “Resident Evil” zombies (don’t start with me, nerds!). Fast, but enough fast?

Hells no!

Gold – “World War Z” zombies! By a long shot. Men rubbing against boys. No contest.

And in packs. Like high school girls. But less dangerous.

So, what was for learning with this movie-film?

Damon Lindelof is a hacker writer hack. Last 30 minutes remaking happened and he was the “writer.”

30 minutes of “I really need another hit of smoke/Kossu if interesting is to be me to this film.”

Don’t believe the hacking?

See “Lost” Season 6. Hack, hack, hack. And hack again.

Also, (SPOILER ALERT – STOP READING NOW, NERDS!) when Arabs and Israeli’s sing together, zombies must make it stop. Singing is anger to the undead.

They climb and run and bite and climb. (NO MORE SPOLERS – I DON’T THINK SO AND HOPE NOT)

Finally? Never read a book. The movie will only disappoint you like the internet death of Gandalf.

Even if it was always the other guy anyway. Gandolfini. Finland will miss you.

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. Summer T.V.! Live action “Simpson’s Movie” called “Under the Dome” is to be the bomb! The good bomb, as the saying comes from the kids. What would you do Under the Dome? When the weed ran out? Other than the crying…

June 8, 2012June 8, 2012

Prometheus [REVIEW]

Prometheus

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

“Prometheus!”

Finally!

I gathered my supplies – for movie ogling and note taking, sweet sticky bud smoked in my car.

The a large coke.

No popcorn.

The greasy corn turns my note sheets into transparent unreading mush.

Now for reviewing I drink the kossu.

But trouble is in a dangling Damocles sword over my head.

So much kossu has been in my mouth hole that I must get a liver ultrasound tomorrow!

How is this can possible?

Is this the end for Kimmo?

Is this the end for kossu?

I am the bummer… but wow – “Prometheus!”

Considered one of the great directors in 30 years, has in some of the best films in the field of science fiction (and others) and with each new film attracts audiences from simple village idiots to up hardcore cinephiles.

His name is Ridley Scott and has nothing to prove anything anymore.

Except for “Gladiator.”

That movie was more the funny than “Monty Python And The Holy Grail” but still a shit log.

The legendary “Alien” is undoubtedly the expected movies of the year and shortly before he had released the movie trailer was enough to cause a frenzy of fans.

And geeks are frenzied bunch!

Virgins can get nasty.

Plot? Hells yeah!

The mythical Prometheus created the first humans from clay and fire (made sense while stoned – now suspect).

The spacecraft “Prometheus”, Scott starts from the realm of uncertainty to come to the eternal mystery of the origin of the first man.

The theories on the creation of man from the aliens are not new, their roots hold thousands of years since man began to think consciously and carved on the walls.

Conscious men never got their deposits back.

Do not carve on the walls.

Or let your cat pee on the carpet.

From the first minutes of the film and the spectacular opening of the thirsty viewer (a large coke is quickly drunken when the sweet bud is in my head) is confronted with all these unanswered questions in a 3D world (damn, 3D that worked!) abundant charm and a spectacle that nourishes the eye and excites the imagination.

The work done in special effects and generally in all the scenery is truly worthy of attention and the most rigorous and demanding audience.

Also the cast of Scott in the film include Michael Fassbender and Charlize Theron as “robot” and “ruthless woman” respectively and are highly successful.

Charlize has given me two cinematic boners in my pants this year.

This is a good year for Kimmo!

Noomi Rapace is the good. No shit.

She is the girl in a shrink-to-fit-with-blow-dryer space suit that showed her a good ass actor.

So confusion comes. Is this cinematic boner for Noomi or Charlize?

Do I really care?

So, two thumbs throbbing like my love of the Charl-oomi.

I want. And then I want more.

The view is the almost obligatory to all lovers of science fiction and general lovers of the dark room.

Go see this thing.

Twice.

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. “Game of Thrones” season 2 in the books. We have White Walkers in Finland. We call them “drunk relatives in the snow.” They are less scary in Finland but smell worse. Now, back to my bong and the worry thoughts that will bring me to tomorrow. If I must not drink of the kossu, is live worth living? These thoughts must be thought.

December 16, 2011December 16, 2011

Sherlock Holmes: A Game Of Shadows [REVIEW]

Sherlock Holmes: A Game Of Shadows

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

Okay, Hollywood, I give.

It is FUN to see great literary figure turned into 19^th century James Bond.

There must always be explosions.

CGI must be in every movie ever made.

See, Hollywood?

You win.

For the rest of the film career of reviewing I shall just suck on my bong and sit through whatever I’m being paid to sit through.

And LIKE it.

No… LOVE it.

So, for the second time staged a witty director Guy Ritchie crime adventure with invented by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle’s master detective Sherlock Holmes, a classic figure of English literature (that is not in this movie. Same name. Definitely not same guy.).

As in the first film from the year 2009 the script the action transferred to the Victorian era, which also comes from Doyle’s character. The men of the friendship of Robert Downey, Jr. played Holmes and his assistants presented by Dr. John Watson Jude Law delighted with lively war of words.

This time, the detective met his equal intellectually nemesis, Professor James Moriarty (also a name that appears in the Doyle stories, not so much the character), who is about to incite a world war and to seize the most important industries of Europeunder the nail.

The freaking nail!!!

To put the criminal played by Jared Harris, in the shaft, Holmes and Watson travel to Paris, Germany and Switzerland, as if they were secret agents of later generations of film (Bond, Bourne, whoever the closeted Cruise plays in MI: Whatever).

They fight often in the literal sense before picturesque scenery, in a gentleman’s club, a train, in the Paris Opera House, a posh hotel and a Swiss mountain chateau, a munitions factory and on the backs of horses.

Son of a bitch!

Doyle’s master detective was originally in the struggle with Moriarty in Switzerland – fall down the Reichenbach Falls, in death, before he then reanimated again for more adventures.

It takes the action back here and puts on an impressive waterfall, a CGI castle in ludicrous steep hillside (maybe the same town as “Immortals” 2,000 years later). There sits a peace conference, which Moriarty wants to make the starting point of World War II.

Or I – I was pretty high.

While Watson and the belligerent gypsy Sim, played by Naomi Rapace (Dragon Tattoo chick – For The Win!), inside Europe are trying to save to provide themselves Holmes and Moriarty at the balcony of a game of chess on the board and as spirited debate about the case.

Damn straight.

Enough already.

There was a plot, but that is unimportant.

Robert Downey, Jr. has mister fun good times.

The women were hot.

You saw SH#1 and liked it? This is also for your liking.

I suggest using a bong – with and Indica blend because that will make you like an idiot drool.

And being an idiot with drool is the only way to see this.

“Sherlock Holmes: A Game Of Shadows” has made me see the light. The light of my lighter as I take another major hit.

Hollywood is awesome.

Light up and pass the cheetos.

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. Ryan Murphy, thank you for a taste of Lindsay Pearce in “Glee.” I know now that you are listening! Two more Lindsay episodes – then we can be friends!