Michael Turner – Behind the Proscenium

The Wolverine

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

There is much to fall out of my brain and skipping my mouth through straight to typing.

First, “The Wolverine.” I will review it. I promise this right into your face.

Seconded, the goddamn Royalty child.

Is he to be Luke Skywalker?

Is he to be Jonas Salk?

Will he be able to stuff delicious sausage in his kitchen someday, like cousin Raimo or family friend Petteri?

Maybe all.

Most likely none.

It is a little human squirm worm in the now – all poopy and drooly.

CNN, let the tiny King clone grow into something before filling my 50 inch plasma with nothing.

Thank you.

But the Royal sister in law. Pippen.

I would see her naked and stuff her with my own delicious sausage.

I believe such an action is the way to her heart.

Her royal butt is a national treasure and must be preserved in the Tower or wherever they place the royal butts for public viewing.

Third, why at Comic-Con are there very few for comics to see?

Not crappy “I am standing in front of a mike opening and boy are my arms tired for flapping comic”

No.

Comic BOOK.

Comic-Con needs to have the name “Movies That Nerds Will Squirt On-Com” in the now time. Because the comic book part slides away into the place where A-Ha lives.

Like Purgatory.

Or Chatsworth (L.A. humor FTW!!!).

The Jack Kirby panel was awesome, I must say once or twice. Not Justice League Movie blah, blah, blah.

So suck it, nerds.

Oh, and Batman vs. Superman? You mean the movie Tim Burton should have made slightly after the Big Bang event of too big movies in my childhood?

“The Dark Night Returns” is still waiting for the filming to be in its now (graphic novel – 1986 – “I’ve got the home stretch all to myself…”).

Where have you gone, Frank Miller? Make it happen!

Damn! That was a good feeling for me!

With words my mind can lance the icky boil of its own making. The mind cluster thoughts that make me yell at my cat.

Yet, she never listens or makes mad.

Good kitty.

Ooze, mind boil. Ooze. My cat needs no more loud words.

“The Wolverine.”

I almost had to forget why we are here.

I saw “X-Men Origins – Wolverine.” I thought the same was to be, but no. There is now Japan, and when there is not Anime.

Boy howdy, without Anime Japan can be cool.

This is good.

The Kossu and sweet, sweet smoke had me to believe that the before times were the now times (at the same time! Mind blown.)

No. The more things are the same the more they may change.

Plot? Is anybody there? Does anybody care? Does anybody see what I review?

Encountering each other once they were in Nagasaki during the atomic bomb (in the past) are Logan/Wolverine (Hugh Jackman – veiny muscles!!!) with important Japanese guy (Important Japanese Actor – I was not racist, just higher than Asgard – still am), is in the apocalyptic destruction of violence for a fleeting moment, an impression of the curse and blessing of Wolverine’s superhuman self-healing forces.

Atom bomb?

Yo, I’m Wolverine, bitch (thank you Jesse Pinkman!)!!!

This capability provides Yashida (Important Actor is Haruhiko Yamanouchi, HA, apologize to Kimmo now!) to take on himself, so that his old friend can have a normal life with “an ordinary death” – and he himself immortality.

Son of a bitch.

Wolverine hesitates long enough to burial Yashida whose granddaughter and sole heiress Mariko (Tao Okamoto) has desperately needed a seemingly invulnerable watch dog.

That’s it. Dammit.

The Kossu says “no more GD plot – it brings back the flashbacks.”

I’m done.

My brain cells are back at Comic-Con, hearing nerds argue over which Princess Leia was more for boner eruption.

Obviously, the one in glasses. But only those that had a prescription. Fake glasses are the suck and make a loser.

Like a fake wheelchair. Not cool.

Except, I guess, for line cutting at the land of Disney. I am ashamed for doing it…

So, two thumbs… UP! Like my bone.

Crazy.

Famke Janssen alone is my magnificent queen! Two hot old chicks with their asses making to kick in a row (see “R.I.P.D.” review from last week, I will not stop you – Mary-Louise Parker is waiting for your eyes for her to see her) is summer movie greatness.

Finally, and no CGI needed. I’m ready for my “Pacific Rim” job. Heh, heh, heh.

You go, girls.

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. “Under The Dome” from great to “dog butt scoot carpet stain” in four weeks. It took “Lost” six seasons to ruin the rug that was my senses. Congrats, Under the Dumb. You are the Oreck Vacuum of suck.

The Great Gatbsy

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

I have a changing of ways.

Too many movies have been battered by the tongues and other mouth parts of reviewers around me at screenings for the press.

My colleagues are dark clouds that also think they are smart clouds.

No fun.

They aren’t even clouds!

I went out to see a movie, paying with my own treasure, and sat amongst you people for thinking that my eye holes would see like your eye holes – that there would be no darkness.

I was stupid.

My first sadness – I have to see “The Great Gatsby” by über-hack Baz Luhrmann. He is stuck in most rememberings as the man who pulled down his pants, grabbed each butt-cheek, bent over, and sprayed “Moulin Rouge” on movie screens.

I don’t mind. I now know that to un-crapify “Gatsby” I just need to lap up Kossu. Then the real part of reality rips my knowledge – “closed” says the sign on the Theater Bar!

The Theater Bar is closed!

They are having a “We Love You Mr. Gatsby and Baz Luhrmann, too, So We Will Dress Up As Time Travelers From One of Gatsby’s Make Believe Movie Parties” party so… no public in the bar!

That is me! Madness! Anarchy!

I mind thoughts are now limp. No Kossu – my heart will have no armor and will be in pain.

Terrible pain.

Note to American Women – in the 1920’s, flapper women had no extra skin. They had a Depression coming and so practiced starving. They were hot as smoke in little flapper dresses.

Modern women have become hippos with the sucking of McDonald’s meat in through their lip gap. My eyes were scorched by a 21^st Century flapper herd moving through the lobby.

There was flapping – but it was giant arm sausages flapping against other bare skin.

So never, in my life time, dress this way again.

Now a review.

Baz Luhrmann had someone say, “Hey Baz! Let me tell you about a book my eyes read to me long ago! It is romantic. So listen to my mouth repeat it…”

So Baz never read the book.

The story opens with a sad Peter Parker (Tobey Maguire) being sad because he ran out of alcohol.

So he goes to a Sad Home and makes a Doctor listen to his bitching about rich people.

His brain wanders through history to a feminine product commercial with lots of curtains getting wind blown and sees his cousin Daisy Duke (Carey Mulligan – cute, but too much clothing). Her husband is a dick, so Peter goes to a party next door at Gay Disneyland Heaven – wanting the meet The Great Gatsby.

He does.

Then the fever dream (still very feverish) takes Peter on Mr. Gatsby’s Wild Ride (coming soon to Baz Luhrmann’s Gay Disneyland Heaven with even more CGI and 3-D!) and eat lunch at a barber shop that serves lobster (covered with tribbles and fine herbs – this shit is not made up).

A time travel band from 2013 plays music that makes no sense.

At this point – there is great joy… I found an old joint in my jacket pocket of “contraband-and-fun-times” and inhaled the sweet, sweet smoke from my mouth and into my mind-brain while in the Men’s Crapper – then bought Hot Tamales and a large Coke.

Because of my lucky joint, the last 40 minutes wasn’t too much suck.

Leonardo DiCaprio did not stink. He now looks almost 16 in human years, but was not as good as recently in “Unchain Django!”

There were other actors.

And car chases I remember making up in my “Only I See It” world in my mind when I was 5.

There was a cute dog eating from a plate.

And whores – and politicians (these are the same).

So, one thumb, saying with much relief, “Thank you Odin – this was not the great brain rape that was Moulin Rouge!”

The other thumb saying, “Mr. Luhrmann – if you are going to steal ideas, steal good ones – better movie for everyone!”

Both thumbs were much recovered in happiness when the smoke finally calmed all to calmness. If only I had Kossu in the first times and not had my vision assaulted by flapper cows.

At least they didn’t “moo” for Leonardo…

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. There is much for hoping! A better “Gatsby” is in the future – and a music filled musical! See the early rehearsals for “That’s Gatsby” and purge your brain of Luhrmann-cheese.

You’re welcome.

Tag: Michael Turner

The Wolverine [REVIEW]

The Great Gatsby [REVIEW]