Miles Teller – Behind the Proscenium

Project X

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

Thanks to Odin. Much thanks.

Why?

Tuesday, with the fact that Tuesday must happen, happens.

Tuesday?

Reviewing assignments for Friday.

My mind is sweating mind thoughts: “Please Odin, if I am to review that damn “Lorax” movie, drop me first with a face stretching stroke. Explode my eyeballs. Make me never to see the whoring out of a great man by his money grubbing widow (because I already am still in the stink of “Cat In The Hat”. Mike Meyers, you make Canada sad with this.).

Then the God of Cargo came through – assignment “Project X.”

The “YES” I screamed was like that of Ron Jeremy in the day of hay.

“Project X.”

Teenagers in heat.

Crazy crap of the happening.

The party is bigger than big – or than the big it should have been (“Risky Business”, but funny).

First, I, Kimmo place a major hit in the bong. I say you, the viewer, must do the same.

Then another.

Then one more.

“Project X” is now the adolescent party gone out of bounds “Citizen Kane.” Without stupid sleds. Or story.

Movies with plot are over the rated. Serious.

Plot? Really?

You are to the reading of a critic think write of “Project X” and you are really thinking the plot is a thing of mattering? Plot is replaced by:

1) Boobs

2) Butt

3) Tight female bellies (which must be under the age – High School, right? HOT!!!)

4) Booze

5) Midgets

6) Boobs

7) Drugs (not just me)

8) Car in pool

9) Fat kids to fun out on

10) Boobs

11) Hand held camera!

Is this “Cloverfield”? Better.

“The Blair Witch Project” (more boobs than the witch here)? Better.

“Paranormal Activity 1-15”? Better.

The “why” is answered by boobs. And crazy teen hi-jinks. Virgins deflowered. Window broken. Then another broken. And hymens (see the deflowering before, but also with the broken part. YES!).

Do you feel that I am in love with this film? I am.

It pretends to be nothing more than it is. Party out of bounds (thanks, B-52’s). I laughed. I coughed (after another pull on the dugout I recently purchased off of internet sales).

Conclusion: If when the seeing of the trailer for this film makes you say “Hells yeah, if I miss this, my life is lesser than that it was” you will love it.

If when you see the trailer you feel the stick crawl up your butt telling you that “fun is only for the young?” Stay home and watch “Matlock.”

This is no “Shark Night 3-D.”

And, thanks to Odin, this isn’t the crap licking “Lorax.” I can thank more than one God for that.

So, one thumb asleep. The other thumb erect, because that thumb likes on the boobs. Who doesn’t?

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. “Glee?” WTF?!? Ryan Murphy, although before I never let the suspect for my boner on Dianna Agron, you have gone too much far. Our feud is to for the public. I call you out. Why is my mind your mess? There will be blood.

Footloose

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

There was many times ago an original idea in Hollywood.

D.W. Griffith was that guy who had it.

Since then, maybe Blake Edwards or Eli Roth.

Now we can go to a cinema knowing that we will see what already we have seen yesterday, last summer, five summers, childhood or (in this example) 1984.

How did Kevin Bacon not kill these people?

New game for this film’s greenlighters – Six Degrees From Grim Reaper (remember to enter my new Dead Pool – info appearing to the future!).

For those who live under rocks – the story: Ren MacCormack moves from Boston to the small town Bomont in the southern USA, where he has a real culture shock (every movie lately lives next to “The Help”).

Some years before, the congregation – by the tragic death of five teenagers – has been plagued by celebrations after that one night. Then spoke the local politicians and the popular Reverend Shaw, a ban on loud music and dancing.

Ren (not Stimpy) wants to accept it, however, being a teen, rebels against the ban.

He breathed life back in the village and falls in love with it?

No, just in Ariel (Julianne Hough – Ryan Seacrest‘s beard), the daughter of the pastor.

She is hot.

In the remake of the cult MTV dance film “Footloose (1984)” has not exactly changed much (the story is still playing in southern backwater Bomont).

Ren (Kenny Wormald) wants to abolish the local ban on dancing and his queen of hearts Ariel (Juliann Hough, still hot) is still situated on meaningless tests of courage and the patience of the audience to the test.

Why must hot chicks test us?

On Cinemax they just get naked.

New story, new characters?

Forget it!

Why is there this stencil-like remake anyway?

Are you stupider, already? MONEY!

I love it as much (more) than you (money).

Yet the suck that is making movies over and over the same makes my sitting butt crack wish that no longer the theater I must inhabit. I stand by this.

Where were we?

Attractive teens, rebelling, attract to each other. Teen conflicts are indicated and the skeptical view of the pastor Shaw (Dennis Quaid).

Then all dance enthusiasts are in the house. Successful entry, retro feel sprayed, may now be as wild dancing – you might think!

After director Craig Brewer has lulled us positively tap toeing, he is taking a wrong direction and to illuminate characters who are simply not worth that one is concerned more with their background.

Ariel’s problems with race car driver Chuck, her problems with her daddy, her problems with her friend and top it up with their innocence – Julianne Hough (she is very hot) has to bear all sorts of character with their parcels, which do not really care about anyway.

We care about her nakedness. Our cares end up meaning nothing.

Felt her character has the most screen time and leaves actor Kenny Wormald in reverse always appear sympathetic.

He plays the cool James Dean blend, cooked up here and there at times and ultimately mimics exactly the kind of singleness dance rebel, the one in a movie called… wait for it… “Footloose”!

The different characters, whether it makes sense, annoying or charming, all have a common weakness:

They do not do the forbidden dance! Which, in Bomont, is every dance.

Instead of focusing on the movement of talented performers (Julianne Hough, did I mention her?), the audience must always fight words by books and dialogues and are hoping for a extravagant finale.

But until it comes to this final move, agonizing over long dialogues, danceable tracks are burned in the background and just after half the movie is clear that this remake is completely unnecessary.

Conclusion: “Footloose” is a usefulness-free remake of the ’80s cult film starring Kevin Bacon (I tread on his foot in New York – ONE DEGREE!). Music and dance are unfortunately too short, since director Craig Brewer puts his focus instead on the background of his characters, interchangeable.

So, one thumb, rebelling and trying to dance for Julianne Hough (muy caliente!) – the other thumb ready to be rammed up idea-free Hollywood’s arse-hole.

Excuse me while I watch “Intolerance” (which will be re-made soon, I’m SO sure).

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. “Terra Nova” has one flaw – no persons with a working mind train would ever bring teenagers to the 85 million year past. They mess shit up.

Tag: Miles Teller

Project X [REVIEW]

Footloose [REVIEW]