The Watch
With Wit, Reviewed by Kimmo Mustonenen
The times that movies are not good are the long times.
We sit and wait.
Something must be better.
If not a plot or a funny, will the smoke make the bad the good?
Will an end come that is better than the beginning?
We hope.
We wait.
Mostly in vain.
Such it is with this dog poo stuck in the waffle tread of my cool Wolverines. It smells, it adheres and refuses to go away.
With a stick I dig, little flecks of “The Watch” leave my brain thoughts and flop to my carpet.
Then more for the digging of movie crap off of my sole.
And yet the smell of “The Watch” lives on up my nose-hole.
Can I not rid myself of the stink cloud? Perhaps shots of Kossu will clean my brain with sweet, sweet “I forget.”
But no.
What is seen cannot be unseen. What is smelled is forever in my nose front face.
Dammit.
I will put Kossu in my neti-pot and flush my mucus creators forever.
Who needs smell when smell is now always crap? Not Kimmo, that is sure!
Plot? I guess.
Ben Stiller is anal control freak at Costco. Murder! Skinned corpse!
Then Vince Vaughn (bloated like a drunken Swede) who is more for the party (shock!), less for the funny (how many years since “Swingers”? Too many).
Jonah Hill has returned to the fat and is now again funny (well, for this movie anyway) and angry because he is not a cop.
Then there is an English black guy (Richard Ayoade) who deserved to be in better cinema, but must have done something to be punished here.
Free Richard Ayoade!
These wacky misfits are the neighborhood watch!
Zany!
They have an adventure! Aliens!
Dick jokes! Alien dick jokes!
So much bad. So much.
What have I done wrong to deserve this?
So, name irony. “The Watch.”
Really? More likely “The Look At Bloody Car Wreck.”
Eyeballs don’t go to the screen for the funny – they can’t possibly look away. And then there is the hope from the above that I spoke.
And hope is the cruelest thing…
So, two thumbs just kind of doing thumb things. Not happy thumbs. Not suicidal thumbs. Just thumbs that are needing the entertainment to happen.
Thumbs that didn’t get squat from “The Watch.”
I am so excited for next week! Another re-make! That is so novel!
Never done in Hollywood! They are so original!
“Total Recall” will be all time the great one that needed a re-boot.
Sony Pictures can kiss my whirling butt-cherry.
Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium
P.S. Become my friend on Facebook. That is the only way that the truth of our friendship can be true. Do it!
P.P.S. Summer T.V. is turning from suck to Summer Olympics. What is the difference?