Nina Armstrong – Behind the Proscenium

July 3, 2012July 3, 2012

The Amazing Spider-Man [REVIEW]

The Amazing Spider-Man

With Wit, Reviewed by Kimmo Mustonenen

Reboot.

I have the confusion.

What have there the meaning for this?

Example: Take something that was cool. And made money by the crap load. Say “this is too old for the liking – who will understand the oldness?” Say, “how can more crap loads of money can be milked if already the thing is owned by the kids?”

Reboot!

So, ten years after the Spider-Man now is new Spider-Man (amazing!) is all up in the cinemas!

Money must be made, the good must be good again, what is old is now new (and is for the cash to be had – thanks for the consistency,Hollywood!).

REBOOT!!!

Spider-Man is now The Amazing Spider-Man.

Already better.

AMAZING!!!

Some is different, some the same.

Most the same, really.

How?

Spider-Man. Tobey Maguire. Real nerd. Only cool with the spider juice flowing in the veins.

Andrew Garfield. Tormented. Could be cool without spider juice, but gets the juice bitten just the same.

Torment! Angst! It is the suck to have superpowers.

Bad guy. Still green. But different. English dude (Rhys Ifans) is not as a creeper as the Willem Defoe. But, other than the John Malkovich, no one is the creeper as Defoe.

No Malkovich in “The Amazing Spider-Man.”

Damn. Maybe the next reboot (mark the calendar 10 years in the future).

Girlfriend. Emma Stone is the hotness for the Spider-Guy at this time. It was, in before the reboot, Kirsten Dunst.

Stone has a lisp.

Dunst gave us her boobies in “Melancholia.”

We can – only for the hoping – wish that now in the future Emma Stone boobs will be for the seeing, drooling, and then the wanting. To touch. In reality.

Soon. Please.

Oh. And they’re tied.

Newspaper. No contest.

Denis Leary is angry. Every character laid on by Leary is angry. Some less. Some more. All angry. Angry, angry, angry. J.K. Simmons? Loveable. Gruff. Sometimes angry.

Wow, he has a range for something other than his one note! He wins this one.

Plot? Really?

Nerd gets bit by the spider juice. Gets powers that are so cool.

Crazy scientist somehow with the family entangles and death and sad and Peter needs an ass to kick.

And a cute chick.

Sub-plot. Big fight! Spider-Man wins again – and learns a lesson.

Some kind of lesson. I forget (damn you, kossu!).

One thumb is up for “The Amazing Spider-Man.” The other thumb can’t figure why I’m seeing what I just saw in the past.

But I get it.

Money.

Do you have the brain knowledge the Harry Potter movies are now 11 years old? Get on it Hollywood!

The shit-pile of money made by those make the embarrassment on Spider-Man.

Reboot now!

Reboot Harry Potter!

Or not. Assholes.

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. New “Glee Project” tonight! Predictions: Crying, “this is so important to me”, “no one understands what I’m going through”, “this is my life!”, crying, yelling, singing, “this is my only shot”, flirting, then gay Ryan Murphy saying a cliché, then more crying, and song. I cannot wait! My bong is full…

March 9, 2012March 20, 2012

John Carter [REVIEW]

John Carter

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

This week starts with a happiness explosion from my head mind (but not in the pants, dirty people).

“Kimmo, you are the man with a bag of lucky!” say I, Kimmo, to the self inside.

You see, I am to review my first love.

Not a human person. But a reading experience of youth.

Yes, the books series that made many endless Finnish nights come to an end.

An end that of happiness. That in Finland we call “morning.”

From “A Princess of Mars” through the crappy yet wonderful “John Carter of Mars: Skeleton Men of Jupiter” all asses were kicked.

Green and caucasian. Those from Helium to far off Ptarth

Then my first meat whacking to thoughts of Dejah Thoris (so hot in my mind! Best whack ever!).

How could Mr. Hollywood put the screw in the butt of “John Carter?”

Apparently with the ease of an experienced person who screws the butt of most great books for reading.

Disappointment is a pain that crawls in my stomach like a worm.

Or, here, like green four-armed Tars Tarkas (read the damn books!).

Crappy 3-D? Check!

CGI that is less than real than fake! Check!

$250 million spent on the crapping? Check!

Plot? Too much.

John Carter to Barsoom is somehow to there from here (Barsoom is Mars to Martians and others that have been to visit… Mars).

John falls in with Tharns who are green, four-armed, and totally whack.

I didn’t know that the William Dafoe had four arms – he is a good actor.

Carter (the hero) is played as a piece of white bread (Taylor Kitsch) with muscles.

And the whack queen of my first teens, Dejah Thoris, is the un-whack worth Lynn Collins.

Hollywood, you had almost 100 years to make a piece that is of a master and this is the warm pile that comes out?

What happened Mr. Director (Andrew Stanton)? With “Wall-E” I cried at mechanical homeless person who was lost among obese Americans lost in space.

Now even green, multi-limbed, bad-ass Tharns are like mouth pudding flavor free.

The loss of the hours wasn’t so much a hurt – watching my childhood friends of imagining being ass-raped (see “The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo”) was a pain that I will remember as long as I can – you see, even with the smoking of many loads of the wonderful Super O.G. Kush I could not find the liking… only the hating.

And the stomach-crawling disappoint.

So I have no more to say.

One thumb droops in mourning – the death of my childhood fantasies and hopes are now the truth of the screen.

The other thumb is to be right in the Mr. Disney butt – so now Mr. Disney, you know how “John Carter” feels.

I am sad.

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. “American Idol” – cannot next year (if there is one to be) have just one woman (who doesn’t make the eyes pain) over the age of 18? The “Season of Fugly” will no longer be watched. I watch “The Voice” now, waiting for Christina Aguilara’s imminent boob explosion. I quiver with the waiting.

December 16, 2011December 16, 2011

Sherlock Holmes: A Game Of Shadows [REVIEW]

Sherlock Holmes: A Game Of Shadows

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

Okay, Hollywood, I give.

It is FUN to see great literary figure turned into 19^th century James Bond.

There must always be explosions.

CGI must be in every movie ever made.

See, Hollywood?

You win.

For the rest of the film career of reviewing I shall just suck on my bong and sit through whatever I’m being paid to sit through.

And LIKE it.

No… LOVE it.

So, for the second time staged a witty director Guy Ritchie crime adventure with invented by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle’s master detective Sherlock Holmes, a classic figure of English literature (that is not in this movie. Same name. Definitely not same guy.).

As in the first film from the year 2009 the script the action transferred to the Victorian era, which also comes from Doyle’s character. The men of the friendship of Robert Downey, Jr. played Holmes and his assistants presented by Dr. John Watson Jude Law delighted with lively war of words.

This time, the detective met his equal intellectually nemesis, Professor James Moriarty (also a name that appears in the Doyle stories, not so much the character), who is about to incite a world war and to seize the most important industries of Europeunder the nail.

The freaking nail!!!

To put the criminal played by Jared Harris, in the shaft, Holmes and Watson travel to Paris, Germany and Switzerland, as if they were secret agents of later generations of film (Bond, Bourne, whoever the closeted Cruise plays in MI: Whatever).

They fight often in the literal sense before picturesque scenery, in a gentleman’s club, a train, in the Paris Opera House, a posh hotel and a Swiss mountain chateau, a munitions factory and on the backs of horses.

Son of a bitch!

Doyle’s master detective was originally in the struggle with Moriarty in Switzerland – fall down the Reichenbach Falls, in death, before he then reanimated again for more adventures.

It takes the action back here and puts on an impressive waterfall, a CGI castle in ludicrous steep hillside (maybe the same town as “Immortals” 2,000 years later). There sits a peace conference, which Moriarty wants to make the starting point of World War II.

Or I – I was pretty high.

While Watson and the belligerent gypsy Sim, played by Naomi Rapace (Dragon Tattoo chick – For The Win!), inside Europe are trying to save to provide themselves Holmes and Moriarty at the balcony of a game of chess on the board and as spirited debate about the case.

Damn straight.

Enough already.

There was a plot, but that is unimportant.

Robert Downey, Jr. has mister fun good times.

The women were hot.

You saw SH#1 and liked it? This is also for your liking.

I suggest using a bong – with and Indica blend because that will make you like an idiot drool.

And being an idiot with drool is the only way to see this.

“Sherlock Holmes: A Game Of Shadows” has made me see the light. The light of my lighter as I take another major hit.

Hollywood is awesome.

Light up and pass the cheetos.

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. Ryan Murphy, thank you for a taste of Lindsay Pearce in “Glee.” I know now that you are listening! Two more Lindsay episodes – then we can be friends!