Peter Clarke – Behind the Proscenium

Cinderella

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

I have for a while, been away.

Not for purpose, but because damn dumb bad.

I had measles.

Not any measles.

Disneyland Measles.

Some disease child left his funk on Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride and then I was with the infection. Or maybe it was stupid Tea Cups (they are good for nothing).

Damn. I was with icky red spots covered – as if a jar of jam had exploded and vaporized over my body – but not delicious.

All that was delicious was the Kossu I drank by the liter, putting out my jam inspired skin fire.

For weeks I got to think, “why were my parents in my baby pooping times dirty hippies living in North Finland commune?”

As is known to all not dirty hippies, they don’t put dead or weak viruses in their children. They are too high to worry about science. Or bathing. Or shaving arm pits.

But mainly science.

When my parents became clean and with jobs again and now being good society people (but still high) they forgot that I never had the only needle that I wanted for germ killing.

So, at the Happiest Place on Earth (no way really, best happy place is Six Flags “Now We Puke With Our New Hispanic Friends” Magic Mountain – just not on “Gang Night” – too many casualties) I get crappy Disneyland Measles.

And neither Kossu or the sweet, sweet smoke could made it OK.

But something just did make things OK.

Or someone.

And that someone was hot piece of 99% woman – she gave me the tingles. In my man place. And in my man mind.

She is Cinderella (Lily James).

Plot? Hells yeah, and more.

Lust and politics.

CGI mice.

Did I mention Lily James?

Poor Cinderella. She lives in Make Believe with Cool Dad (British Guy) and Hot Mom (British Chick).

In Make Believe, the 99% live in McMansions and have servants. But they want to be the 2%, like Prince Kit (Rob Stark).

Prince Kit’s Dad (Derek Jacobi) wants Kit to marry into the 1%.

When Cool Dad and Hot Mom die, Cinderella is forced to live with Stepmother (MILF Cate Blanchett) and Step Sisters (bitch face women from “Fashion Police”, I think).

Her new family is the suck.

Cinderella is so effed up she is talking to mice, a stag, some lizards, a bird, and (gasp) even the help.

One day, while out on a horse (that she is not talking to), she runs into Mr. Stag. He’s all like “Rob Stark wants to gut me” and Cinderella is all like “No way, Jose. Light that rocket in your ass and jet on out.”

Mr. Stag is all like “Don’t have to say that twice girlfriend” and bounces.

Rob Stark shows up and is all like “Damn, girl, you are fine! And nice. You are mine.”

Cinderella is all like (in her mind thoughts) “Mmmm, mmm, mmm – we are gonna be getting’ busy… in our married future which may never come.”

What happens next? Smoke the smoke, drink the drink, request Uber, and GO TO THE MULTIPLEX.

PUBLIC SERVICE MESSAGE: Always smoke, always drink, and always Uber. Kimmo approves of this message.

There are disappointments in Cinderella.

Rob Stark wears tight pants but they strap down his “Hamm-aconda” (Jon Hamm’s conjoined twin – groin beast – in “Mad Men” – it is legendary).

Now, it could be that Rob Stark isn’t packing… but we all know that is a damned liar lie. It would have been nice for the ladies.

So, I have two thumbs (and other things, I am winking at you with innuendo) straining to the CGI sky.

Cinderella is good.

No shit.

You may even have eye water leaks (damn romance stuff – maybe there was dust in the air).

See it, if you have a heart.

Kimmo Mustonenen – Kimmo On Kimmo – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. “The 100!!!!!!!!!!!!!” Damn, Clarke. You are one stone cold-assed assassin. Now learn to forgive and go make out with Lexa. It is your destiny. And it will be appointment TV. At least in the house of Kimmo.

P.P.S. Pete Carroll, you are owning me $500. Passing on the 1? With two time outs and Marshawn Lynch? Huh. Really. There is in Seattle Aquarium a hermit crab named Marshawn Pinch. This is the truth. Marshawn Pinch would have from the 1 scored. Damn.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

With “Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2”, Harry Potter moves into the final battle.

Really the very last.

Sad people everywhere.

For Harry Potter fans, the “Harry Potter” movies are as a kind of Horcruxes – those in which the arch-enemy Voldemort small pieces swapped of his soul and has spread to delay his death (if you say “what?” read the dang books already).

In particular, since the last book appeared in 2007, the disciples of each film have a small piece of the Potter fortune invested, and a director would have to make very many mistakes to screw up the brains of the masses into a revolt which would turn into a hatred of young Harry and his movie. It is a bulletproof film yet still delivers like a train to the heart.

Especially Hermione. Cannot forget her (yowza!).

David Yates, who is responsible for all films since the fifth volume, has done nothing wrong! And that is so right!

The second part of “Deathly Hallows” is a seamless continuation of the first one with Harry, Ron (Rupert Grint), and Hermione (Emma Watson) – with the house-elf Dobby the helpful on the beach – and seems at this beach now, very briefly, the sun (this is complicated business).

Then it is dark again, and Harry is alone again. Naturally.

Again, what could be said from the first part of “Deathly Hallows”: Yates has not illustrated the book, but a mood – a mood of farewell and goodbye.

This is not the romantic, but barren volcanic landscapes, almost surreal in its vastness and desolation, as though Harry Potter’s soul Salvador Dalí carted out and cast in stone.

One would hardly have thought it possible, but “Deathly Hallows 2” is even darker – a more solitary Harry.

The first part staged the “us-versus-the-rest-of-world” friendly celebration of Harry, Ron and Hermione; the second now the “I-need-act-alone” by Potter.

And alone acting is cool.

Daniel Radcliffe plays his last days surrounded by magnificent scenery as a harried warrior who out of sheer guilt (there had been enough to die for Harry Potter – but who wouldn’t?) accept more aid and the fight against the Dark Lord finally wants to put behind him.

Since there is no heroic martyr, Harry, as a reluctant hero rushes into battle, as if he were going through the stations of a sadistic treasure hunt, to destroy Voldemort along with his Horcruxes and find the three “Deathly Hallows”.

These tasks must be ticked off as soon as possible so that Potter, finally (whew!), has his rest.

And if it is the eternal – no matter.

Which does not mean there is no action spectacle awaiting viewers: Some people speculated on the quiet first part that the director had abolished all the effects for the final.

Wrong, buster!

Yates is interested in still more for characters than for dramatic showdowns. The villains implode rather incidentally – the grandeur of Hogwarts castle turns into a refugee camp.

Crazy.

What an ending!

SPOILER ALERT!

The much-criticized epilogue to make us go “19 years later” wasn’t as much suck as you would thought at first glance (again, you perplexed? Read the dang book!).

Daniel Radcliffe and one that was made earlier with the help of ‘digital 19 years later’ and now looks like Marty McFly, but not so much older than 17.

No, we do not want to keep Harry Potter in memory. No, we want a Harry Potter heart.

At least there will be no more “is your Potter Hairy?” jokes. And God is thanked for that!

Two vigorously wagging thumbs.

This the end that really ends things. Take that “Lost”.

Kimmo Mustonenen (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

Tag: Peter Clarke

Cinderella [REVIEW]

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2 [REVIEW]