Roger Ebert – Behind the Proscenium

I have not been up for the writing of things.

People die.

It’s what we are supposed to do.

When we are old and shaking, pooping pants and falling over, forgetting who you are but remembering what should be un-remembered – it is time to die.

I get this.

Sometimes, cancer lands on your face and God wants your chin.

Death is close then.

Just ask Roger Ebert.

My eyes had the squirts like a little girl when his death arrived.

He was my hero – watch him as he goes (thank you Foo Fighters!) Even with a giant Kossu mouth swallow and lung bag full of kush, my writing was never like The Ebert.

He was the shit. Read this (http://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/to-the-wonder-2013) and then choke on your “Ebert was not the shit” argument.

Yes… choke on it.

Like a choking little bitch.

I’ll wait.

Now for a review.

The Lords of Salem

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

Rob Zombie is not the man his name says he is to be.

Not an extra in the great TV show “The Dead Are Walking Around.” Not stuck in Jamaican voodoo haze, much like myself when brain is high centered on the speed bump of sweet, sweet bong smoke (that I love, even with the drool-face I make).

No.

Zombie makes movies.

Some good. Some bad.

Most good-bad existing side by side, like a twin – with no skin sharing.

Now Mr. Zombie is back with “The Lords of Salem.”

The good? Sherri Moon Zombie.

Although she is getting long teeth, she still can stir my man thing and start the underwear party.

Her acting is really not anything. Nothing better (her hotness remains), nothing worse (the underwear party continues).

She plays a DJ who is given the wax for spinning from Satan’s house band. This brings evil because it plays itself backwards (which in days of the past would kill Paul McCartney – if only now it would result in immediate Justin Beiber death… that would be cool).

The band gets back together, but VH1 Classic is not to be seen. There is Hell to pay. Pay to play – and the like.

Zombie makes us for the creep with skin crawling in ways that it wasn’t meant to crawl. Evil is abounding. Death is cheap and easily available.

If for a plot you give shit then go see “Oblivion” (since it has plots taken from every sci-fi movie ever made).

If you want a scare to smack your brain until you squirt in to your chonies – this is the poop squirter for you.

So, my thumbs are confused. When compared to good movies, this is not good.

When compared to others in the horror held up to comparison? Good.

Damn good.

So, since you are reading this you give a horror crap. So go see “The Lords of Salem.”

Before the seeing, do NOT inhale too much of the beautiful smoke. Paranoia will explode your head.

You have been warned.

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. The world is back-assward. Ebert is dead. Rex Reed still breaths (and wastes) perfectly good oxygen. Depeche Mode (for a bunch of pansy-men whining like babies with tiny baby problems) got one right – listen to “Blasphemous Rumors” and think on this. Rex Reed lives. Son of a bitch.

Please list the best film smart guy reviewer people for the best reading in my future in the Comments below.

P.P.S. “Game of Thrones” is a cooler movie on TV than most movies that are movies. With boobs. Damn!

“Shark Night 3D”

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

3D is the suck.

Roger Ebert knows.

You (the smart “you” people) know.

I know.

But, holy crap, it is “Shark Night 3D”!

Confession – I’ve been saving a fat green bud all summer for this movie experience. I now live in California and have the glaucoma.

Now go be jealous on me. It was whack.

I assure you that by now I do not care if David R. Ellis is not a good director.

If we talk about sharks and 3D, all that matters is how these thugs satiate their hunger floating.

Shark thugs that kick (bite?) ass – unlike pansy Sharks in “West Side Story”.

What for a motivations? To speed exhibitionism and gore, in pursuit of the teenager who was passing by clueless (all teenagers, really)? Or consciously, choosing his prey as he portrayed the great white Spielberg shark?

Right who will choose the first option.

In fact, without other parallels in your script, “Shark Night 3D” becomes the contemporary equivalent of “Jaws 3D”, which was also the suck, but I’m much too younger to remember.

I am also aware that “Jaws 3D”, even with all its faults, was Richard Matheson as a writer, which in “Shark Night 3D” does not even deserve to be taken into account (I’m sure “Shark Night 3D” had writers – I must check my notes.)

But despite all this, in both cases we speak of products designed to entertain young audiences with sharks, cute girls (va va voom!) and scares of a lifetime.

However, I do not think James Cameron is very happy with this use of film in three dimensions. For a son of a bitch rich guy, Cameron is often unhappy. Paradox (new English word!)!

In fact, Ellis uses the same formula with the sensationalism that is distilled in the last gasp in the series “Final Destination” or “Piranha 3D”.

Since we’re talking the director of “Snakes on a Plane”, we could not expect otherwise. I missed “who let these mother effin’ sharks in this mother effin’ 3D?!?”

Also, lest anyone forget that this is fiction realistic, responsible for managing the animatronic creatures is the great Walt Conti, responsible for this kind of trick in “Anaconda”, “Free Willy” (these titles back to back and I don’t make joke? Maturity FTW!) and “Deep Blue Sea” (crap pile).

Do you really want to know the plot of the movie? Judge for yourselves – seven young people from Tulane University summer in one of the most beautiful spots in Louisiana, Lake Pontchartrain.

Just when you begin to have fun, make their appearance sharks, and swimmers choose a dish on their (the sharks… in 3D!!!) menu.

What is not so clear is whether this is a chance zoological hiccup or a sinister plan, designed for other purposes (I see you “Jurassic Park”).

Ellis, already experimented with 3D in “The Final Destination” is an expert in underwater photography since he directed the second unit in the filming of “The Perfect Storm” and “Deep Blue Sea” (that crap pile again).

Mike Fleiss and Chris Briggs, producers, and worked together in “Hostel” (gag me once) and the remake of “The Texas Chainsaw Massacre” (gag me twice).

Both must have been in the head struck by a rock. Because “Shark Night 3D” made my summer a fun filled balloon of feel good shark-eating kids.

Was that me or the glaucoma medicine talking? Or both?

“Shark Night 3D” – Two thumbs pointing straight up like fin on a hungry shark after seeing that hot blonde stretching her bikini! She was fully formed!

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. Go Cougs! (My intern went to Washington State University and paid me $50 to for that in my review appear. Pay up, honey!)

Tag: Roger Ebert

The Lords Of Salem [REVIEW]

Shark Night 3D [REVIEW]