Ross Emery – Behind the Proscenium

I, Frankenstein

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

The cinema is big and of beautiful.

So is life.

But life is realer.

Can it be more real than when Olli, my beloved old brother, had two weeks ago his life mud suddenly stop in his heart, with heart pain, almost become a time for him to party with Jesus?

THAT is realer than real.

Olli lives, but no more bacon and Kossu.

The hearing of this almost made my life mud stop.

No bacon or Kossu is not for a happy living.

It is not life at all.

Like “I, Frankenstein” is not a movie at all.

No.

Too many movie films are just like my Friday nights – I take the sweet, sweet smoke then I slurp the lovely Kossu into my stomach place followed by Jalapeno Cheddar Cheetos.

Then I watch my goddamn roommate (Brad, you are not goddamned if you stop eating my peanut butter, OK?) play “Demon Kill Fun Time IV” on the X-box because my hands are too wasted for playing.

When I watch the game “Demon Kill Fun Time IV” I think my eyeballs see “Underworld” or “Underworld VI” or any in between for there are many.

But I am wrong.

And Aaron Eckhart is not Kate Beckinsale.

And that gives me the sadness.

Plot? Uh, sure.

Frankenstein (Aaron Eckhart again) is still the Frankenstein we remember.

This lasts for a minute.

While digging a grave he finds a demon disco and the demons want his ass. Stoner gargoyles make him saved!

Then gargoyles (with Amanda Otto leader) and demons (with Shaun’s stepfather Bill Nighy) are said to be in epic fight (definitely not vampires and werewolves, that would be unoriginal!) that has lasted through history and longer than the runtime of this shit storm film.

Or so it feels.

Then to the now. Terra (Yvonne Strahovski) is playing with rats – it is Hollywood, am I right?!?

BAM!!!

And the rat playing is in a laboratory above Dead Demons Who Need Souls Disneyland.

And the demons want Frankenstein’s secret for his perfect jaw. The gargoyles don’t think demons should have jaws of perfection.

Epic battles follow. Who wins?

Wait two months and see this on Netflix. Of if it makes the large bags of money cash, see the next 5 Frankenstein films if you have nothing in your life worth doing.

Dear Hollywood: Just because you say demons are not vampires and gargoyles are not lycans and give the same funny face make-up and bad CGI to movies with darkness and creepy electronic music does not make you original.

Sometimes, there needs be something new – called this new thing is in Finland called A STORY.

The story must be for the first time telling. The otherwise, you have nothing but steaming poop.

Steaming poop that we have seen.

Steaming poop that is losing its steam.

And without steam, poop is just a pile of “I, Frankenstein.”

So, two thumbs that don’t want to be around cold poop.

Aaron Eckhart is not Kate Beckinsale. But then, there is no other Kate Beckinsale to be had – this is truth.

I have watched this video game before.

On my TV.

Played by my roommate Brad.

With better graphics.

And more original story, even when all I do is suck my Cheetos, gargle my Kossu, and breathe the smoke.

Heaven, really, on earth and my apartment. But not in the cinema.

There is nothing there but my butt getting sore.

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. Dear Olli, if this is for you to read, tell me: Is life really the life without bacon? When your life mud stopped for that time in your muscle heart, did you see Uncle Jaarko? And if so, is he still mad that I owe him money? Tell me the truth, right in to my ear. It can be taken.

P.P.S. “The Returned” is creepy cool – because it is French no doubt. French are creepy cool that way. And red-head French twins (when legal) are hot, Hot, HOT!!! See it, if you are daring.

P.P.P.S. Brad, if on a peanut butter purchase today, get on the crunchy. Creamy is for the weak.

The Wolverine

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

There is much to fall out of my brain and skipping my mouth through straight to typing.

First, “The Wolverine.” I will review it. I promise this right into your face.

Seconded, the goddamn Royalty child.

Is he to be Luke Skywalker?

Is he to be Jonas Salk?

Will he be able to stuff delicious sausage in his kitchen someday, like cousin Raimo or family friend Petteri?

Maybe all.

Most likely none.

It is a little human squirm worm in the now – all poopy and drooly.

CNN, let the tiny King clone grow into something before filling my 50 inch plasma with nothing.

Thank you.

But the Royal sister in law. Pippen.

I would see her naked and stuff her with my own delicious sausage.

I believe such an action is the way to her heart.

Her royal butt is a national treasure and must be preserved in the Tower or wherever they place the royal butts for public viewing.

Third, why at Comic-Con are there very few for comics to see?

Not crappy “I am standing in front of a mike opening and boy are my arms tired for flapping comic”

No.

Comic BOOK.

Comic-Con needs to have the name “Movies That Nerds Will Squirt On-Com” in the now time. Because the comic book part slides away into the place where A-Ha lives.

Like Purgatory.

Or Chatsworth (L.A. humor FTW!!!).

The Jack Kirby panel was awesome, I must say once or twice. Not Justice League Movie blah, blah, blah.

So suck it, nerds.

Oh, and Batman vs. Superman? You mean the movie Tim Burton should have made slightly after the Big Bang event of too big movies in my childhood?

“The Dark Night Returns” is still waiting for the filming to be in its now (graphic novel – 1986 – “I’ve got the home stretch all to myself…”).

Where have you gone, Frank Miller? Make it happen!

Damn! That was a good feeling for me!

With words my mind can lance the icky boil of its own making. The mind cluster thoughts that make me yell at my cat.

Yet, she never listens or makes mad.

Good kitty.

Ooze, mind boil. Ooze. My cat needs no more loud words.

“The Wolverine.”

I almost had to forget why we are here.

I saw “X-Men Origins – Wolverine.” I thought the same was to be, but no. There is now Japan, and when there is not Anime.

Boy howdy, without Anime Japan can be cool.

This is good.

The Kossu and sweet, sweet smoke had me to believe that the before times were the now times (at the same time! Mind blown.)

No. The more things are the same the more they may change.

Plot? Is anybody there? Does anybody care? Does anybody see what I review?

Encountering each other once they were in Nagasaki during the atomic bomb (in the past) are Logan/Wolverine (Hugh Jackman – veiny muscles!!!) with important Japanese guy (Important Japanese Actor – I was not racist, just higher than Asgard – still am), is in the apocalyptic destruction of violence for a fleeting moment, an impression of the curse and blessing of Wolverine’s superhuman self-healing forces.

Atom bomb?

Yo, I’m Wolverine, bitch (thank you Jesse Pinkman!)!!!

This capability provides Yashida (Important Actor is Haruhiko Yamanouchi, HA, apologize to Kimmo now!) to take on himself, so that his old friend can have a normal life with “an ordinary death” – and he himself immortality.

Son of a bitch.

Wolverine hesitates long enough to burial Yashida whose granddaughter and sole heiress Mariko (Tao Okamoto) has desperately needed a seemingly invulnerable watch dog.

That’s it. Dammit.

The Kossu says “no more GD plot – it brings back the flashbacks.”

I’m done.

My brain cells are back at Comic-Con, hearing nerds argue over which Princess Leia was more for boner eruption.

Obviously, the one in glasses. But only those that had a prescription. Fake glasses are the suck and make a loser.

Like a fake wheelchair. Not cool.

Except, I guess, for line cutting at the land of Disney. I am ashamed for doing it…

So, two thumbs… UP! Like my bone.

Crazy.

Famke Janssen alone is my magnificent queen! Two hot old chicks with their asses making to kick in a row (see “R.I.P.D.” review from last week, I will not stop you – Mary-Louise Parker is waiting for your eyes for her to see her) is summer movie greatness.

Finally, and no CGI needed. I’m ready for my “Pacific Rim” job. Heh, heh, heh.

You go, girls.

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. “Under The Dome” from great to “dog butt scoot carpet stain” in four weeks. It took “Lost” six seasons to ruin the rug that was my senses. Congrats, Under the Dumb. You are the Oreck Vacuum of suck.

Tag: Ross Emery

I, Frankenstein [REVIEW]

The Wolverine [REVIEW]