Simon Carrigan – Behind the Proscenium

July 11, 2014July 17, 2014

Dawn of the Planet of the Apes [REVIEW]

Dawn of the Planet of the Apes

With Wit, Reviewed by Kimmo Mustonenen

Times are things that make men weep.

Most men.

Not Finns.

We are not the weeping types for being told “no” to World Cupping.

They let the Swedes (bastards) World Cup.

More than once (but not this time – take that, Swedes).

But we need no World Cupping.

We Finns can Cup for ourselves.

Sunday I will not be World Cupping.

I’ll be drinking kossu, smoking the sweet, sweet smoke and going back to see the greatest movie ever made – “Dawn of the Planet of the Apes.”

Yes.

It is.

See for yourself.

Plot? Do monkeys poop in their hands?

You bet!

Ten years have come and gone and come. Monkey flu is the worse than a plague, yet plague-like in the killing.

499 of every 500 people – dead.

Real estate is now affordable in San Francisco (plague, please come to Los Angeles, too – I cannot for now afford to live in the Malibu – my dream of dreams – it is filled with fully figured actresses).

San Fran is in the shitter – with no electricity.

Humans Malcolm (Jason Clarke) and his bulge making woman Ellie (Kerri Russell – Kerri, if you ask I’ll send you my digits for that we may date so that I can have a bulge, too, if you know what I mean – I say this to you while winking seductively) are tasked by crazy eyeballed Dreyfus (Gary Oldman) to rebuild super electric hydro damn (Super Electric Hydro Damn will be my 10cc cover band) to bring back property value to the Bay.

In the way are monkeys of many flavors. Chimp monkeys. Orangutan monkeys. Bonobo monkeys.

But not THE Monkees. That would have been the shit, but distracting, so only full body hair monkeys make the cut.

They are ape shit crazy (get it?) but can talk and ride on the horses.

They hunt elk, but are monkeys, so they fight a bear. The bear gets bitch-slapped to the dirt.

“Fuck you, bear” say the apes.

The cool monkey leader, Caesar (Andy Serkis – really in green body suit covered with ping pong balls running around a green screen world – which would be so the awesome when high) says, “OK humans, just mess with the dam, or we will poop in our hands and throw it at you.”

Caesar’s best monkey pal Koba (Toby Kebbell – also in green body suit, etc., etc.) says, “Eff that C, we’re gonna use poop guns to knock you human clowns off the planet, yo!”

The war is on.

How good is Ape vs. Human war?

I forgot to drink my kossu for an hour.

An hour!

Same with my weed.

How the hell is this a possible? But it was.

CGI is better than reality here (I said this – CGI is now not always the suck). Apes were more awesomer than people.

This shit is real, friend.

Believe it now. It will mess with the wet organ that is your brain.

So, two thumbs wishing that I was a poop throwing ape on the big screen.

See this movie today.

Then see it yesterday (but you cannot) and again tomorrow (this is possible).

It will be worth every penny (or $16 if in 3D).

“Dawn of the Planet of the Apes” – best picture of 2014. Book it!

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. “Orphan Black” has blown my mind stem. Clone Tatiana Maslany and bring me four of her. Then I would not need Malibu. My Chatsworth apartment would be heaven, except in Chatsworth. Oh, yes – this I dream. You should dream it, too. Kimmo has spoken (with typing).

HEAR/WATCH KIMMO’S REVIEW HERE:

August 9, 2013

Elysium [REVIEW]

Elysium

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

The days of a dog summer are arrived.

The testicle kick torture that is summer movie season nears its end.

How much more can my two amigos take?

“The Great Gatsby” – pow, right in the pills.

“Fast and the Furious 6” – a hard punch to the giggleberries.

“White House Downer” – bitch slap to my plucked turkeys.

My junk can take no more. My area is a mess.

There is hope… It is called “Elysium.”

Neill Blomkamp made my head kaboom with “District 9.” The story of giant shrimp oppressed and the man (Sharlto Copley) who through a shrimp STD becomes another shrimp. He has their pain. He isn’t a shrimp Nelson Mandela – but that may never be, sadly. “District 9” had effects, good. Plot, surprise! Acting, cool.

What did my brain want with “Elysium”?

Good effects, surprise plot, cool acting. One out of three ain’t good (sorry Meatloaf).

Plot? Yes.

Used many times in the past times – used again.

In the further future, after “Blade Runner,” the rain has stopped in Los Angeles. The Japanese people have gone back to their homes and the Hispanics have returned from Japan.

It is daylight. Neon is not longer in fashion. Robots look like robots, not “I wanna make a little replicant with you” replicants like Sean Young (in the last century, she had for the hot – no shit).

Max (Matt Damon) was a child with Frey (Alice Braga). They are cute orphans. We cannot smell their orphan smell, so we still like them.

When older, Max having starred in “Fast and The Furious 73,” now just wants to build robots and be harassed by cop robots who are really cops from today in robot suits.

All are dusty and tattooed. All want to go up to Elysium.

Especially when Max gets a case of special die in exactly five days radiation.

Why Elysium?

Elysium is Las Vegas, but with healing, without cigarette smoke.

Delacourt (Jodie Foster) wants to keep it Las Vegas and is a bitch.

She hates Hispanics, giant shrimp, possibly the Japanese, and Max.

They are not allowed the Las Vegas.

Not even State Line.

There are mind thought transfers. Max becomes low-budget Transformer. Frey is pretty. Charles Manson Kruger (Sharlto Copley again –please speak English when speaking English – I will never know how you said what you said until I get the Blu-ray and use the CC) will soon attend Overactor’s Anonymous.

This night was a Kossu only for Kimmo night.

Big mistake.

I could see the future of the film before that future was the now.

Poor people, sad.

Rich people, mean.

Movie goer, still waiting for giant shrimp.

Would a better place be film “Elysium” with the sweet, sweet smoke? This can never be known.

So, two thumbs needing exo-skeleton to stand tall – waiting for five day radiation death, but only having to survive the hour and forty-nine minute movie film which seemed like five day radiation death.

But no 3D! Praise Odin!!!

Bad? No.

Good? No.

Matt Damon? He did many sit-ups and push-ups for preparing to act. I now feel fat.

So… see “Elysium” and feel fat. High praise!

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. Fall is coming. Which says Winter is coming. Which says “Game of Thrones” will return. Soon Westeros will be Finland, with more nudity (and dragons – no dragons in Finland). Who is point with thumbs at his face like a spastic and grinning and saying “who cannot wait for nude Finn Westeros Game of Thrones? This guy!”

Boom!

August 4, 2011August 4, 2011

Rise Of The Planet Of The Apes [REVIEW]

Rise of the Planet of the Apes

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

First, groovy 1968 gave us “Planet of the Apes”.

Awesome.

Heston and hot chick on horse. “Damn you all to hell!”

Best.

Movie.

Ever.

Now become the cult film pulled after four sequels, and in 2001 of Hollywood’s great storyteller (but mostly crap film-maker) Tim Burton film again. With Marky Mark (but no Funky Bunch).

This is now followed by “Rise of the Planet of the Apes”.

Story? Hells yes!

Will Rodman (James Franco) is a dedicated researcher who is looking for a cure for Alzheimer’s disease (shifty!). But he also has very personal reasons, after all, suffers from this is his father, Charles Rodman (John Lithgow) to the disease.

The new drugs are tested on animals – first animals? On chimpanzees (go get ’em PETA!).

The latest attempt by Will seems to be a very good direction to go, but after a catastrophic incident, the chimps must be put to this test series (did any of them see “I Am Legend“? Cures never work.).

What remains is only a freshly born baby monkeys who saves himself with Will and takes home.

Never trust baby monkeys.

The drugs that Will has given the chimp baby momma seems to have transferred to the baby and so is “Caesar” blessed with a gigantic… intelligence! Look out, Algernon (get it? Flowers? Come on, people!).

But this leads to problems over the years.

“Rise of the Planet of the Apes” makes one thing exactly correct – where most seemingly come first blockbuster of the effects and then tinker around some story, “Rise of the Planet of the Apes” have the opposite away.

In the center are always the story and the characters. And it is not an alibi focus shift (I need to stop drinking), but the filmmakers have really put their heart and soul into the story and you believe them, indeed, that to them this project is located at the heart – to sit (in the heart), especially, since many details of the story are simply very good (the Kossu is flowing tonight!).

James Franco is in assuming the role of the male protagonist, but the real main character is always generated by the CGI monkey Caesar. Incidentally, the inspiration for him was none other than the great motion capture performers Andy Serkis, from “Lord of the Rings”. CGI Andy totally kicks the other actors to the acting curb.

CGI monkeys > CGI people.

The adoption by Caesar’s Will Rodman (of Caesar), the subsequent rapprochement and the new family situation becomes Caesar almost like Will’s son, is told emotionally believable and touching.

The subsequent coming of age of Caesar and the burgeoning problems which arise because of his personality – well, more emotional “what?” than “Captain America“, that’s for sure!

“Rise of the Planet of the Apes” surprise here insofar as the film of the new technical opportunities only in the sense of history begins and never for mere show.

Movie was great for first part, then a cliché mess – like prison movie – except that instead of people – just trapped monkey.

And trapped monkey is sad monkey.

So, “Rise of the Planet of the Apes” is good. BUT. Although the duo James Franco / John Lithgow convincing, but unfortunately all the others remain quite pale and the emotional range of Caesar played literally on the wall.

But back to the development of history: apart from the one-dimensional portrayal, there is another problem. The development of Caesar from the lovable monkey with minor problems to the great revolutionary leader seems a bit rushed. Like bad monkey community theater “A Star Is Born”. But better.

Conclusion? Two thumbs wagging (monkey-style!) upward. Not the greatest, not “The Green Lantern”. But summer fun.

And Freida Pinto. We need more of her in movies. Seriously. One and a half thumbs for Freida alone.

Kimmo Mustonenen (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. Crying Christian hipster (with fake glasses – dick!) gone from “The Glee Project”! Lindsay is 18, right? I hope so…