Susan Boyajian – Behind the Proscenium

July 11, 2014July 17, 2014

Dawn of the Planet of the Apes [REVIEW]

Dawn of the Planet of the Apes

With Wit, Reviewed by Kimmo Mustonenen

Times are things that make men weep.

Most men.

Not Finns.

We are not the weeping types for being told “no” to World Cupping.

They let the Swedes (bastards) World Cup.

More than once (but not this time – take that, Swedes).

But we need no World Cupping.

We Finns can Cup for ourselves.

Sunday I will not be World Cupping.

I’ll be drinking kossu, smoking the sweet, sweet smoke and going back to see the greatest movie ever made – “Dawn of the Planet of the Apes.”

Yes.

It is.

See for yourself.

Plot? Do monkeys poop in their hands?

You bet!

Ten years have come and gone and come. Monkey flu is the worse than a plague, yet plague-like in the killing.

499 of every 500 people – dead.

Real estate is now affordable in San Francisco (plague, please come to Los Angeles, too – I cannot for now afford to live in the Malibu – my dream of dreams – it is filled with fully figured actresses).

San Fran is in the shitter – with no electricity.

Humans Malcolm (Jason Clarke) and his bulge making woman Ellie (Kerri Russell – Kerri, if you ask I’ll send you my digits for that we may date so that I can have a bulge, too, if you know what I mean – I say this to you while winking seductively) are tasked by crazy eyeballed Dreyfus (Gary Oldman) to rebuild super electric hydro damn (Super Electric Hydro Damn will be my 10cc cover band) to bring back property value to the Bay.

In the way are monkeys of many flavors. Chimp monkeys. Orangutan monkeys. Bonobo monkeys.

But not THE Monkees. That would have been the shit, but distracting, so only full body hair monkeys make the cut.

They are ape shit crazy (get it?) but can talk and ride on the horses.

They hunt elk, but are monkeys, so they fight a bear. The bear gets bitch-slapped to the dirt.

“Fuck you, bear” say the apes.

The cool monkey leader, Caesar (Andy Serkis – really in green body suit covered with ping pong balls running around a green screen world – which would be so the awesome when high) says, “OK humans, just mess with the dam, or we will poop in our hands and throw it at you.”

Caesar’s best monkey pal Koba (Toby Kebbell – also in green body suit, etc., etc.) says, “Eff that C, we’re gonna use poop guns to knock you human clowns off the planet, yo!”

The war is on.

How good is Ape vs. Human war?

I forgot to drink my kossu for an hour.

An hour!

Same with my weed.

How the hell is this a possible? But it was.

CGI is better than reality here (I said this – CGI is now not always the suck). Apes were more awesomer than people.

This shit is real, friend.

Believe it now. It will mess with the wet organ that is your brain.

So, two thumbs wishing that I was a poop throwing ape on the big screen.

See this movie today.

Then see it yesterday (but you cannot) and again tomorrow (this is possible).

It will be worth every penny (or $16 if in 3D).

“Dawn of the Planet of the Apes” – best picture of 2014. Book it!

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. “Orphan Black” has blown my mind stem. Clone Tatiana Maslany and bring me four of her. Then I would not need Malibu. My Chatsworth apartment would be heaven, except in Chatsworth. Oh, yes – this I dream. You should dream it, too. Kimmo has spoken (with typing).

HEAR/WATCH KIMMO’S REVIEW HERE:

March 23, 2012March 23, 2012

The Hunger Games [REVIEW]

The Hunger Games

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

I have waited for this longer than time may seem to you.

Or even longer.

So when the cinema doors opened I was fully ready for an eyeball party!

Yes, “The Hunger Games” is finally open.

Smoke was smoked.

Popcorn was popped.

Kossu was in the fun pocket for in the theater for drinking.

Yes!

Then my confusion – is this about Finland? Dirt. Trees. Poor people. District 12 is Finland!

Then my panic pulls out (too much weed) and I realize that I’m in the right film theater.

First things right now: Jennifer Lawrence is hot. So hot that I have a Winter’s Bone in the springtime.

Movie critic humor (for the win)!

So, what did we see? Plot is now!

The story of “The Hunger Games” is set in an indeterminate future. North America is destroyed. From the ashes rose the country Panem, which consisted of the Capital and original 13 districts.

After an uprising a district was destroyed. In order to remember the debt of the districts, Capitol held once a year the so-called Hunger Games, in which 24 young people compete in a battle to the death against each other – in each district a girl and a boy.

In the 74^th Hunger Games something unexpected happens: This part is that her younger sister Prim (Willow Shields) to the Hunger Games must be reported, the 16-year-old Katniss Everdeen (Jennifer Lawrence) volunteers as a tribute.

This is the greatest movie that has ever been told.

The cool, cool book was cool – but the cinema book is even more cooler. Because it is not read, but seen with my (your) own eyes!

Reading is the suck. Except for my reviews.

First (since she is the lead and smoking hot) Jennifer Lawrence is to win every award of acting. Only her “overly large for a starving girl” boobs were a distraction.

Sometimes it is good to be distracted.

Woody Harrelson as the drunken Haymitch reminds me of me when the Kossu flows and I become the state of drunk.

As the badass leader, Donald Sutherland is old and must like mothballs and kidney medication smell – because he is old. The boys gave me jealousy for their nearness to Katniss.

Gale (Liam Hemsworth – why is a 30 year old up for the 12-18 year old Reaping? He is older than Haymitch. Weird.) and Peeta (Josh Hutcherson) both have inner stiffies for Katniss, but only Peeta gets too close for my comfort. And yours. She is mine.

Other actors were also good to acting: Elizabeth Banks, Lenny Kravitz, Stanley Tucci, Wes Bentley (excellent face beard!), all greatness.

The directing Director – Gary Ross – was also the shit.

Battle scenes were with less blood flowing than the book, but more real blood than that “Twilight” crap that was smeared on my brain last year.

Hoping for the R rated directors cut on Blu-ray with many limbs cut to pieces.

Now, just wait on Hollywood with no originality or even an idea. Remake of “The Hunger.” Another movie of “Aqua Teen Hunger Force.” Movie from board game “Hungry Hungry Hippos.”

For now, just go see “The Hunger Games.”

Have I mentioned that Jennifer Lawrence is hot? She is fully formed (and not 16 – at least in this world)!

Any bad?

Only if you are so stuck up that reading is cool and you remember the book. SPOILERS! Mutations looked like “Twilight” wolves for retards (redundant). Where were the tongue-less freak Avox people (movie foul!)? Foxface needed lines (hot for fox (redundant), yet not Jennifer).

That’s it. Not bad.

Verdict?

Two thumbs up… no joke here. Although District 12 brings Finland into my head, I still have the love on.

May the odds be ever in your favor – except for “Twilight”… that shit can die in a fire.

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. “The Voice” may be the thing for T.V. to watch. Erin Martin? Advancing in singing competition with looks? I loveAmerica!!!

August 4, 2011August 4, 2011

Rise Of The Planet Of The Apes [REVIEW]

Rise of the Planet of the Apes

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

First, groovy 1968 gave us “Planet of the Apes”.

Awesome.

Heston and hot chick on horse. “Damn you all to hell!”

Best.

Movie.

Ever.

Now become the cult film pulled after four sequels, and in 2001 of Hollywood’s great storyteller (but mostly crap film-maker) Tim Burton film again. With Marky Mark (but no Funky Bunch).

This is now followed by “Rise of the Planet of the Apes”.

Story? Hells yes!

Will Rodman (James Franco) is a dedicated researcher who is looking for a cure for Alzheimer’s disease (shifty!). But he also has very personal reasons, after all, suffers from this is his father, Charles Rodman (John Lithgow) to the disease.

The new drugs are tested on animals – first animals? On chimpanzees (go get ’em PETA!).

The latest attempt by Will seems to be a very good direction to go, but after a catastrophic incident, the chimps must be put to this test series (did any of them see “I Am Legend“? Cures never work.).

What remains is only a freshly born baby monkeys who saves himself with Will and takes home.

Never trust baby monkeys.

The drugs that Will has given the chimp baby momma seems to have transferred to the baby and so is “Caesar” blessed with a gigantic… intelligence! Look out, Algernon (get it? Flowers? Come on, people!).

But this leads to problems over the years.

“Rise of the Planet of the Apes” makes one thing exactly correct – where most seemingly come first blockbuster of the effects and then tinker around some story, “Rise of the Planet of the Apes” have the opposite away.

In the center are always the story and the characters. And it is not an alibi focus shift (I need to stop drinking), but the filmmakers have really put their heart and soul into the story and you believe them, indeed, that to them this project is located at the heart – to sit (in the heart), especially, since many details of the story are simply very good (the Kossu is flowing tonight!).

James Franco is in assuming the role of the male protagonist, but the real main character is always generated by the CGI monkey Caesar. Incidentally, the inspiration for him was none other than the great motion capture performers Andy Serkis, from “Lord of the Rings”. CGI Andy totally kicks the other actors to the acting curb.

CGI monkeys > CGI people.

The adoption by Caesar’s Will Rodman (of Caesar), the subsequent rapprochement and the new family situation becomes Caesar almost like Will’s son, is told emotionally believable and touching.

The subsequent coming of age of Caesar and the burgeoning problems which arise because of his personality – well, more emotional “what?” than “Captain America“, that’s for sure!

“Rise of the Planet of the Apes” surprise here insofar as the film of the new technical opportunities only in the sense of history begins and never for mere show.

Movie was great for first part, then a cliché mess – like prison movie – except that instead of people – just trapped monkey.

And trapped monkey is sad monkey.

So, “Rise of the Planet of the Apes” is good. BUT. Although the duo James Franco / John Lithgow convincing, but unfortunately all the others remain quite pale and the emotional range of Caesar played literally on the wall.

But back to the development of history: apart from the one-dimensional portrayal, there is another problem. The development of Caesar from the lovable monkey with minor problems to the great revolutionary leader seems a bit rushed. Like bad monkey community theater “A Star Is Born”. But better.

Conclusion? Two thumbs wagging (monkey-style!) upward. Not the greatest, not “The Green Lantern”. But summer fun.

And Freida Pinto. We need more of her in movies. Seriously. One and a half thumbs for Freida alone.

Kimmo Mustonenen (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. Crying Christian hipster (with fake glasses – dick!) gone from “The Glee Project”! Lindsay is 18, right? I hope so…

June 2, 2011June 4, 2011

X-Men: First Class [REVIEW]

X-Men: First Class

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

I can declare X-Men: First Class the best since the mutant melee X2! Is this saying much? What?

As direct by Matthew Vaughn (Layer Cake and The Stepping Donkey – as well as the stupid Kick Ass), this prequel is chaotic and baggy and too long, but watchable often funny strange, and occasionally a flash of cold steel.

It’s the Swinging 60s’ and telepathic brainbox Charles Xavier (James McAvoy) and his shape-shifting pal Raven (a blue colored sexpot Jennifer Lawrence – seen recently but much less hot in “Winter’s Bone”) are coming to terms with their mutant powers.

Contacted by CIA operatives Moira MacTaggert (Rose Byrne), who is tracking maleable mutant mastermind Sebastian Shaw (Kevin Bacon from “Footloose”), Xavier agrees to share his expertise on Mutation.

Meanwhile, Holocaust survivor Erik Lehnsherr (Michael Fassbender) is using his mutant powers to cut bloody swathes through Europe and South America in the search for Shaw, who transjected him to unspeakable Horrors in a Nazi concentration camp.

As Lehnsherr’s activities put him on Xavier’s radar, the boffin manages to convince the magnetic avenger to join the team of mutants he’s assembling to take Shaw down.

Yes!

Using technology devised by the genius mutant Hank McCoy (Nicolas Hoult), the duo begin to recruit and train a gifted crop of youngsters and as Shaw unleashes a devilish scheme to wipe out mankind, it’s up to these ‘X-Men’ to save the day.

What?

There’s much about First Class that’s X-ceptional (ha ha, I did it!) not least of all the casting of the equally admirable McAvoy and Fassbender as the two men whose warring ideologies give X-Men stories so much more abyss than the average comic book yarn.

As X-Men creator Stan Lee has always maintained, Xavier and Lehnsherr are based on Martin Luther King and Malcolm X, setting the tale at the height of the American civil rights movement is something of a master-stroke.

It also allow the director Vaughn to indulge in some far out 60s’ referencing, from depicting Lehnsherr as a smooth 007-style assassin to setting the action-packed finish against the backdrop of the Cuban Missile Crisis.

Scripted on high by Vaughn’s Kick-Ass collaborator Jane Goldman, it’s ironic that’s the most youth-orientated X-Men adventure is as well the most adult. What?

Along with startlingly effective moments of violence and a slinky sexiness that’s likely to leave comic book nerds needing a lie down, there’s even the dropping of a well-timed F-bomb in a priceless cameo.

X-Men films have always been about the strength of the ensemble cast, and Vaughn has put together a fine group of young actors who work together with an easy charm and restless unease; Hoult and Lawrence’s (wow, that girl!) tentative romance being particularly effective.

Bacon is also in fantastic acting shape as the sneering villain. January Jones, regardless of various scenes with bra and panties pushed up, is fairly forgettable as his sidekick Emma Frost – even with her bustiness on display.

Jason Flemyng’s teleporting terror Azazel is scary enough to ensure the bad guys are satisfyingly formidable.

Capturing the spirit of the previous films without desperately struggling to achieve continuity with the theme, Vaughn portrays these familiar characters with honesty and gives them a strong origin story.

That rings true, nodding to past installments, without being overly reverent.

Unfortunately, it’s some wobbly CGI reminiscent of the disappointing X-Men Origins: Wolverine, and a rushed speed that prevents First Class from being the superhero equivalent of JJ Abrams’s Star Trek reboot fantastic.

With an extra six months in post-production and a less ramshackle edit, this easily must have been the best X-Men movie ever.

It is very close regardless, and its forms of Professor X downing a yard of ale for chatting up the girls down the pub has classic scene for the ages written all over it.

Kimmo Mustonenen – Behind The Proscenium (Kimmo On Kino)