Terry Chen – Behind the Proscenium

May 16, 2014May 23, 2014

Godzilla [REVIEW]

Godzilla

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

Godzilla.

GodZIRRA.

Big em-effin’ lizard.

I am so with the exciting.

As a baby Finn, in Finland, I saw him.

“T.V. Scary So That You Pee Pants and Poop Young Children” horror Night Theater was on the television thing.

Olli and I, eating fish that was dry, sucking a box that was juice (Pirkka Mixed berry juice – send me some if you have love for Kimmo).

Happy, happy – because the great of all great monsters that stomp and kill was to stomp and kill.

And he (GodZIRRA) stomped all of the shit. Even Ironside (Raymond Burr).

Then Tokyo took a lizard foot up the anus.

BOOM!!!

My eyes leak as I remember the best.

But now. Now is the exciting.

GodZIRRA is back.

When one time he was 50 meters tall – he has more calorie dumped in his mouth hole for he is 150 meters tall!

Suck it, Mr. Cloverfield.

I smoke the sweet, sweet smoke. I slurp the Kossu from my Godzilla mug. I refill the mug and the slurping occurs again.

High, drunk, and with expectations on my brain sitting like a midget jockey – with full control.

Then… well, damn.

Gosh darn damn.

The boring starts.

Plot? Too much!

We go to be in 1999. Joe Brody (Bryan Cranston) has a wig. Things are to the crapper from the first.

Death. Sadness.

This takes thirty minutes.

Why? Answers do not come.

Then is the now.

There is boring guy son of Walter White (Aaron Taylor-Johnson). He is the guy who is the life sucker from the film. His wife (Elizabeth Olson), is good.

Other actors, good.

Monsters? Fucking great.

Script? Scripts should be written as if making something exciting is a good thing.

Good monsters, mostly good actors, me snoring in my seat.

Fuck you, script.

Two moth beasts. So big that they could eat all of your clothes.

Instead, they must mate and eat nuclear stuff.

And interesting is the last stuff that happens.

Worst thing on a movie that the makers can do – make the thing so that my brain sleeps before

I know that I am asleep.

Suck. Suck, suck , suck.

Damn you GodZIRRA!

Monsters are A-1, awesome, yelling, scratching, flying, fire-vomiting, and everything.

One thumb jumps to the sky for this.

Then the script. As before I said through my fingers, GodZIRRA! must be the awesome.

No. This is not the awesome.

See on the big screen only for the monsters. Be the drunk and high. Take a trusted friend to wake you from happy nap land only when monsters occur.

Ugh. Summer has arrived.

This is not the total Summer suck. This is just boring.

The Total Summer Suck is coming.

I am afraid.

And the fact that I am more of a sober person than the Kimmo that started this review scares me.

And makes me cry. Like a tiny little suck-tit.

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. The 100 is the greatest show ever on my television watcher. I am not ashamed. Octavia gives me a man-bone. The truth was just typed.

HEAR/SEE KIMMO’S REVIEWS EVERY WEEK RIGHT HERE:

August 9, 2013

Elysium [REVIEW]

Elysium

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

The days of a dog summer are arrived.

The testicle kick torture that is summer movie season nears its end.

How much more can my two amigos take?

“The Great Gatsby” – pow, right in the pills.

“Fast and the Furious 6” – a hard punch to the giggleberries.

“White House Downer” – bitch slap to my plucked turkeys.

My junk can take no more. My area is a mess.

There is hope… It is called “Elysium.”

Neill Blomkamp made my head kaboom with “District 9.” The story of giant shrimp oppressed and the man (Sharlto Copley) who through a shrimp STD becomes another shrimp. He has their pain. He isn’t a shrimp Nelson Mandela – but that may never be, sadly. “District 9” had effects, good. Plot, surprise! Acting, cool.

What did my brain want with “Elysium”?

Good effects, surprise plot, cool acting. One out of three ain’t good (sorry Meatloaf).

Plot? Yes.

Used many times in the past times – used again.

In the further future, after “Blade Runner,” the rain has stopped in Los Angeles. The Japanese people have gone back to their homes and the Hispanics have returned from Japan.

It is daylight. Neon is not longer in fashion. Robots look like robots, not “I wanna make a little replicant with you” replicants like Sean Young (in the last century, she had for the hot – no shit).

Max (Matt Damon) was a child with Frey (Alice Braga). They are cute orphans. We cannot smell their orphan smell, so we still like them.

When older, Max having starred in “Fast and The Furious 73,” now just wants to build robots and be harassed by cop robots who are really cops from today in robot suits.

All are dusty and tattooed. All want to go up to Elysium.

Especially when Max gets a case of special die in exactly five days radiation.

Why Elysium?

Elysium is Las Vegas, but with healing, without cigarette smoke.

Delacourt (Jodie Foster) wants to keep it Las Vegas and is a bitch.

She hates Hispanics, giant shrimp, possibly the Japanese, and Max.

They are not allowed the Las Vegas.

Not even State Line.

There are mind thought transfers. Max becomes low-budget Transformer. Frey is pretty. Charles Manson Kruger (Sharlto Copley again –please speak English when speaking English – I will never know how you said what you said until I get the Blu-ray and use the CC) will soon attend Overactor’s Anonymous.

This night was a Kossu only for Kimmo night.

Big mistake.

I could see the future of the film before that future was the now.

Poor people, sad.

Rich people, mean.

Movie goer, still waiting for giant shrimp.

Would a better place be film “Elysium” with the sweet, sweet smoke? This can never be known.

So, two thumbs needing exo-skeleton to stand tall – waiting for five day radiation death, but only having to survive the hour and forty-nine minute movie film which seemed like five day radiation death.

But no 3D! Praise Odin!!!

Bad? No.

Good? No.

Matt Damon? He did many sit-ups and push-ups for preparing to act. I now feel fat.

So… see “Elysium” and feel fat. High praise!

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. Fall is coming. Which says Winter is coming. Which says “Game of Thrones” will return. Soon Westeros will be Finland, with more nudity (and dragons – no dragons in Finland). Who is point with thumbs at his face like a spastic and grinning and saying “who cannot wait for nude Finn Westeros Game of Thrones? This guy!”

Boom!

April 13, 2012

The Cabin In The Woods [REVIEW]

The Cabin In The Woods

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

“Previews.”

“Trailers” (as in the industry the name is whispered).

“Coming Attractions” to the elderly who are always cold and cry at the loudness of noise (and smell like liver sausage, if lucky).

No matter the calling of the things, they are evil.

Ruining movies is the job of them.

Show every damn good thing to see in 2 minutes 30 seconds.

Just like “The Cabin In The Woods”, right?

No!

The opposite of right!

A horror movie that was totally whack (get it?)! People over 30 – that means it was good, in Finland.

Plot?

Who cares!

In the woods go the nubile teenagers.

Creepy local dude.

Pot (not mine – kossu shots only this night, right Kyrle?). Oh, with guys at Mission Control…MISSION CONTROL?!?!?!? WTF?!?!?!?

Then nudity.

Crazy crap happens.

Death of people.

Boobs.

Funny jokes.

More pot.

Cellar that should below Rob Zombie’s house live.

And real zombies. This is the shit. Truly.

How can I blather without spoilers? Cannot happen.

So this. This acting rules the world of acting.

Any film of horror with Richard Jenkins (he was awesome in “Let Vampires In Your House”) must be eye balled.

Teamed him with Bradley Whitford? Best horror ever.

The boobs of Anna Hutchison? If there was Boob Acting award she just won two (or does the pair count as one? My mind reels.). Especially with her tonguing of the ex-wolf.

Lucky ex-wolf.

Thor (Chris Hemsworth) should be allowed to live (until stinking pile “The Avengers” is released – then the fatwa is back in force).

Then arrives the Kimmo alter-ego, played by Fran Kranz. He smokes the pot almost with as much puffing as me. Clouds were created. Warping of minds – and a bong that made me smile.

My respect is his. And my jealousy.

Finally, there is the hot, hot, hot Kristen Connolly (if by hot in English means “looks weird but I still got a boner”). She would be worthy of a date by a warrior-blood filled man… me.

I would ask, “Do you have any Finn in you?” “No” she says. Then I would say, “Would you like some?”

I laugh at my joke! Works every time (except for the times of failure).

Side note: Japanese couple who must buy entire snack bar to watch a movie – divide the fucking food up before you enter the theater. Then your gaping mouth holes don’t have to flap and flap and flap, pissing off all the people in the ten foot hearing area of your grating voices. If the Norse Gods would have had a say you would now be below Midgard and being in Hel tortured. Kind of like the movie you could not stay silent in and watch (jerk-offs!). I hate you (not all Japanese, just in theater talking Japanese assholes).

I feel better.

So… two thumbs sticking up as hard as my little Kimmo seeing the young doomed boobs.

M. Night Shamalyanyaynan (whatever) needs to see “The Cabin In The Woods” to know how to blow minds. The trailer tried to screw my fun place but there was more to be seen.

Ha, Hollywood! You have been defeated!

Until I have to sit though “The Lucky One” – my vomiting will be your victory.

Damn.

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. I am in great love with “Game of Thrones.” Manly love. Question – if you could be as smart as The Imp and drink wine like a wine drinking fish and get to sex up large boob-ed prostitute women (without the falling off of your dick), would you still be okay with life as a dwarf? Kimmo would! Please answer in comments below!