The Lords Of Salem [REVIEW]

Manka Bros., Khan Manka, Behind The Proscenium, Kimmo Mustonenen, Kimmo on Kino, Kyrle Lendhoffer, Roger Ebert, The Lords of Salem, Rob Zombie, Sheri Moon Zombie, Bruce Davidson, Jeff Daniel Phillips, Judy Geeson, Meg Foster, Patrica Quinn, Ken Foree, Dee Wallace, Maria Conchita Alonso, Richard Fancy, Andrew Prine, Michael Berryman, Sid Haig, Bonita Friedericy, Nancy Linehan Charles, Flo Lawrence, Brynn Horrocks, Suzanne Voss, Susan Gray, Torsten Voges, Niko Posey, Julian Acosta, Lisa Marie, Brandon Cruz, Gabriel Pimentel, John 5, Piggy D, Roger W. Morrissey, Barbara Crampton, Michael Shamus Wiles, Dustin Quick, James Messersmith, Troy, Ernest Thomas, Carlos del Valle, Clint Howard, Camille Keaton, Udo Kier, Richard Lynch, Daniel Roebuck, Christopher Knight, Christine Ames, Diana Hart, Silvia Moore, Maria Olsen, Judy Thompson, Jobeth Wagner, Jason Blum, Michael Brigante, Jeanette Brill, Bailey Conway, Andy Gould, Jessica L Hall, Brian Kavanaugh-Jones, Oren Peli, Jeremy Platt, Steven Schneider, Griffin Boice, Brandon Trost, Glenn Garland, Monika Mikkelsen, Jennifer Spence, Lori Mazuer, Leah Butler, Megan Brown, Michelle Chung, Richard Evans, Wayne Toth, Laura Altmann, Phillip Dawe, Rick Osako, Kenneth Donaldson, Danny Giles, James MOran, Marc Newland, Laura Altmann, Renetta G Amador, Keith Blomberg, Eric Fleischman, Vanessa Grayson, Nicole Kreuzer, Megan Lurty, Murray Miller, Christopher Perez, Chelsea Peters, Alex Saks, Adam Stone, Cat Stone, David Thornsberry, Bob Weber, Emily Weithman, Lee Anna Winhoffer, Mandy Yaeger

Manka Bros., Khan Manka, Behind The Proscenium, Kimmo Mustonenen, Kimmo on Kino, Kyrle Lendhoffer, Roger Ebert, The Lords of Salem, Rob Zombie, Sheri Moon Zombie, Bruce Davidson, Jeff Daniel Phillips, Judy Geeson, Meg Foster, Patrica Quinn, Ken Foree, Dee Wallace, Maria Conchita Alonso, Richard Fancy, Andrew Prine, Michael Berryman, Sid Haig, Bonita Friedericy, Nancy Linehan Charles, Flo Lawrence, Brynn Horrocks, Suzanne Voss, Susan Gray, Torsten Voges, Niko Posey, Julian Acosta, Lisa Marie, Brandon Cruz, Gabriel Pimentel, John 5, Piggy D, Roger W. Morrissey, Barbara Crampton, Michael Shamus Wiles, Dustin Quick, James Messersmith, Troy, Ernest Thomas, Carlos del Valle, Clint Howard, Camille Keaton, Udo Kier, Richard Lynch, Daniel Roebuck, Christopher Knight, Christine Ames, Diana Hart, Silvia Moore, Maria Olsen, Judy Thompson, Jobeth Wagner, Jason Blum, Michael Brigante, Jeanette Brill, Bailey Conway, Andy Gould, Jessica L Hall, Brian Kavanaugh-Jones, Oren Peli, Jeremy Platt, Steven Schneider, Griffin Boice, Brandon Trost, Glenn Garland, Monika Mikkelsen, Jennifer Spence, Lori Mazuer, Leah Butler, Megan Brown, Michelle Chung, Richard Evans, Wayne Toth, Laura Altmann, Phillip Dawe, Rick Osako, Kenneth Donaldson, Danny Giles, James MOran, Marc Newland, Laura Altmann, Renetta G Amador, Keith Blomberg, Eric Fleischman, Vanessa Grayson, Nicole Kreuzer, Megan Lurty, Murray Miller, Christopher Perez, Chelsea Peters, Alex Saks, Adam Stone, Cat Stone, David Thornsberry, Bob Weber, Emily Weithman, Lee Anna Winhoffer, Mandy YaegerI have not been up for the writing of things. 

People die.

It’s what we are supposed to do.

When we are old and shaking, pooping pants and falling over, forgetting who you are but remembering what should be un-remembered – it is time to die.

I get this.

Sometimes, cancer lands on your face and God wants your chin.

Death is close then.

Just ask Roger Ebert.

My eyes had the squirts like a little girl when his death arrived.

He was my hero – watch him as he goes (thank you Foo Fighters!)  Even with a giant Kossu mouth swallow and lung bag full of kush, my writing was never like The Ebert.

He was the shit.  Read this (http://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/to-the-wonder-2013) and then choke on your “Ebert was not the shit” argument.

Yes… choke on it.

Like a choking little bitch.

I’ll wait.

Now for a review.

Manka Bros., Khan Manka, Behind The Proscenium, Kimmo Mustonenen, Kimmo on Kino, Kyrle Lendhoffer, Roger Ebert, The Lords of Salem, Rob Zombie, Sheri Moon Zombie, Bruce Davidson, Jeff Daniel Phillips, Judy Geeson, Meg Foster, Patrica Quinn, Ken Foree, Dee Wallace, Maria Conchita Alonso, Richard Fancy, Andrew Prine, Michael Berryman, Sid Haig, Bonita Friedericy, Nancy Linehan Charles, Flo Lawrence, Brynn Horrocks, Suzanne Voss, Susan Gray, Torsten Voges, Niko Posey, Julian Acosta, Lisa Marie, Brandon Cruz, Gabriel Pimentel, John 5, Piggy D, Roger W. Morrissey, Barbara Crampton, Michael Shamus Wiles, Dustin Quick, James Messersmith, Troy, Ernest Thomas, Carlos del Valle, Clint Howard, Camille Keaton, Udo Kier, Richard Lynch, Daniel Roebuck, Christopher Knight, Christine Ames, Diana Hart, Silvia Moore, Maria Olsen, Judy Thompson, Jobeth Wagner, Jason Blum, Michael Brigante, Jeanette Brill, Bailey Conway, Andy Gould, Jessica L Hall, Brian Kavanaugh-Jones, Oren Peli, Jeremy Platt, Steven Schneider, Griffin Boice, Brandon Trost, Glenn Garland, Monika Mikkelsen, Jennifer Spence, Lori Mazuer, Leah Butler, Megan Brown, Michelle Chung, Richard Evans, Wayne Toth, Laura Altmann, Phillip Dawe, Rick Osako, Kenneth Donaldson, Danny Giles, James MOran, Marc Newland, Laura Altmann, Renetta G Amador, Keith Blomberg, Eric Fleischman, Vanessa Grayson, Nicole Kreuzer, Megan Lurty, Murray Miller, Christopher Perez, Chelsea Peters, Alex Saks, Adam Stone, Cat Stone, David Thornsberry, Bob Weber, Emily Weithman, Lee Anna Winhoffer, Mandy YaegerThe Lords of Salem

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

Rob Zombie is not the man his name says he is to be.

Not an extra in the great TV show “The Dead Are Walking Around.”  Not stuck in Jamaican voodoo haze, much like myself when brain is high centered on the speed bump of sweet, sweet bong smoke (that I love, even with the drool-face I make).

No.

Zombie makes movies.

Some good. Some bad.

Most good-bad existing side by side, like a twin – with no skin sharing.

Now Mr. Zombie is back with “The Lords of Salem.”

The good? Sherri Moon Zombie.

Although she is getting long teeth, she still can stir my man thing and start the underwear party.

Her acting is really not anything. Nothing better (her hotness remains), nothing worse (the underwear party continues).

She plays a DJ who is given the wax for spinning from Satan’s house band. This brings evil because it plays itself backwards (which in days of the past would kill Paul McCartney – if only now it would result in immediate Justin Beiber death… that would be cool).

Manka Bros., Khan Manka, Behind The Proscenium, Kimmo Mustonenen, Kimmo on Kino, Kyrle Lendhoffer, Roger Ebert, The Lords of Salem, Rob Zombie, Sheri Moon Zombie, Bruce Davidson, Jeff Daniel Phillips, Judy Geeson, Meg Foster, Patrica Quinn, Ken Foree, Dee Wallace, Maria Conchita Alonso, Richard Fancy, Andrew Prine, Michael Berryman, Sid Haig, Bonita Friedericy, Nancy Linehan Charles, Flo Lawrence, Brynn Horrocks, Suzanne Voss, Susan Gray, Torsten Voges, Niko Posey, Julian Acosta, Lisa Marie, Brandon Cruz, Gabriel Pimentel, John 5, Piggy D, Roger W. Morrissey, Barbara Crampton, Michael Shamus Wiles, Dustin Quick, James Messersmith, Troy, Ernest Thomas, Carlos del Valle, Clint Howard, Camille Keaton, Udo Kier, Richard Lynch, Daniel Roebuck, Christopher Knight, Christine Ames, Diana Hart, Silvia Moore, Maria Olsen, Judy Thompson, Jobeth Wagner, Jason Blum, Michael Brigante, Jeanette Brill, Bailey Conway, Andy Gould, Jessica L Hall, Brian Kavanaugh-Jones, Oren Peli, Jeremy Platt, Steven Schneider, Griffin Boice, Brandon Trost, Glenn Garland, Monika Mikkelsen, Jennifer Spence, Lori Mazuer, Leah Butler, Megan Brown, Michelle Chung, Richard Evans, Wayne Toth, Laura Altmann, Phillip Dawe, Rick Osako, Kenneth Donaldson, Danny Giles, James MOran, Marc Newland, Laura Altmann, Renetta G Amador, Keith Blomberg, Eric Fleischman, Vanessa Grayson, Nicole Kreuzer, Megan Lurty, Murray Miller, Christopher Perez, Chelsea Peters, Alex Saks, Adam Stone, Cat Stone, David Thornsberry, Bob Weber, Emily Weithman, Lee Anna Winhoffer, Mandy YaegerThe band gets back together, but VH1 Classic is not to be seen. There is Hell to pay. Pay to play – and the like. 

Zombie makes us for the creep with skin crawling in ways that it wasn’t meant to crawl. Evil is abounding. Death is cheap and easily available.

If for a plot you give shit then go see “Oblivion” (since it has plots taken from every sci-fi movie ever made).

If you want a scare to smack your brain until you squirt in to your chonies – this is the poop squirter for you.

So, my thumbs are confused. When compared to good movies, this is not good.

When compared to others in the horror held up to comparison? Good.

Damn good.

So, since you are reading this you give a horror crap. So go see “The Lords of Salem.”

Before the seeing, do NOT inhale too much of the beautiful smoke.  Paranoia will explode your head.

You have been warned.

Manka Bros., Khan Manka, Behind The Proscenium, Kyrle Lendhoffer, Reese Witherspoon, Water For Elephants, Robert Pattinson, Christoph Waltz, Paul Schneider, Jim Norton, Hal Holbrook, Mark Povinelli, Richard Brake, Stephen Monroe Taylor, Ken Foree, Scott MacDonald, James Frain, Sam Anderson, John Aylward, Brad Greenquist, Tim Guinee, Donna W. Scott, E.E. Bell, Kyle Jordan, Aleksandra Kaniak, Ilia Volok, Bruce Gray, Jim Jansen, James Keane, Ivo Nandi, Karynn Moore, Andrew Connolly, Doug McDougal, Tracy Phillips Rowan O'Hara, Water for Elephants, Tai, Uggie, Ice, Sita Acevedo, Danny Castle, Michael Coronas, Aloysia Gavre, Francis Lawrence, Andrew R. Tennenbaum, Erwin Stoff, Gil Netter, Kevin Halloran, Alan Edward Bell, Ana Maria Quintana, Chad Holmes, David Crank, Denise Chamian, Molly Allen, Sasha Veneziano, Kimmo MustonenenKimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S.  The world is back-assward. Ebert is dead. Rex Reed still breaths (and wastes) perfectly good oxygen. Depeche Mode (for a bunch of pansy-men whining like babies with tiny baby problems) got one right – listen to “Blasphemous Rumors” and think on this. Rex Reed lives. Son of a bitch.

Please list the best film smart guy reviewer people for the best reading in my future in the Comments below.

P.P.S. “Game of Thrones” is a cooler movie on TV than most movies that are movies. With boobs. Damn!

Melancholia [REVIEW]

Manka Bros., Khan Manka, Jill Kennedy, OnMedea, Behind The Proscenium, Kimmo Mustonenen, Lars Von Trier, Kyrle Lendhoffer, Kyrle Lindhoffer, Ben Silverman, movie review, Melancholia, Cannes press conference, Kirsten Dunst, Kiefer Sutherland, Dogma, enfant terrible, Charlotte Gainsbourg, Keifer Sutherland, Charlotte Rampling, John Hurt, Alexander Skarsgard, Stellan Skarsgard, Brady Corbet, Udo Kier, Jesper Christensen, Deborah Fronko, Cameron Spurr, Bettina Brokemper, Remi Burah, Madeleine Edman, Thomas Eskilsson, Meta Louise Foldager, Peter Garde, Marianne Jul Hansen, Peter Aalbaek Jensen, Lars Jonsson, Katrine Sahlstrom, Marianne Slot, Louise Vesth, Manuel Alberto Claro, Morten Hojbjerg, Molly Marlene Stensgaard, Jette Lehmann, Jessica Balac, Mouns Overgaard, Maj-Britt Paulmann, Peter Hjorth, Pontus Klange, Anders Refn, James Velasquez, Rikard Andersson, Klas Ankelstam, Anna Lundin

Manka Bros., Khan Manka, Jill Kennedy, OnMedea, Behind The Proscenium, Kimmo Mustonenen, Lars Von Trier, Kyrle Lendhoffer, Kyrle Lindhoffer, Ben Silverman, movie review, Melancholia, Cannes press conference, Kirsten Dunst, Kiefer Sutherland, Dogma, enfant terrible, Charlotte Gainsbourg, Keifer Sutherland, Charlotte Rampling, John Hurt, Alexander Skarsgard, Stellan Skarsgard, Brady Corbet, Udo Kier, Jesper Christensen, Deborah Fronko, Cameron Spurr, Bettina Brokemper, Remi Burah, Madeleine Edman, Thomas Eskilsson, Meta Louise Foldager, Peter Garde, Marianne Jul Hansen, Peter Aalbaek Jensen, Lars Jonsson, Katrine Sahlstrom, Marianne Slot, Louise Vesth, Manuel Alberto Claro, Morten Hojbjerg, Molly Marlene Stensgaard, Jette Lehmann, Jessica Balac, Mouns Overgaard, Maj-Britt Paulmann, Peter Hjorth, Pontus Klange, Anders Refn, James Velasquez, Rikard Andersson, Klas Ankelstam, Anna LundinIs Nazi lover Lars now feeling “Melancholia” (ha!)?

With wit, reviewed by guest critic Kimmo Mustonenen

Impacts Cannes:  The apocalyptic drama “Melancholia” are pushed into the background – of a provocateur Lars von Trier and his statement that he was a Nazi.

The man is 55, but his reputation as the eternal enfant terrible of cinema, he apparently wants to do justice to all eternity.  Not only in his radical films for which he is loved all over the world and feared, but also outside in a lot more confusing life (is his).

Manka Bros., Khan Manka, Jill Kennedy, OnMedea, Behind The Proscenium, Kimmo Mustonenen, Lars Von Trier, Kyrle Lendhoffer, Kyrle Lindhoffer, Ben Silverman, movie review, Melancholia, Cannes press conference, Kirsten Dunst, Kiefer Sutherland, Dogma, enfant terrible, Charlotte Gainsbourg, Keifer Sutherland, Charlotte Rampling, John Hurt, Alexander Skarsgard, Stellan Skarsgard, Brady Corbet, Udo Kier, Jesper Christensen, Deborah Fronko, Cameron Spurr, Bettina Brokemper, Remi Burah, Madeleine Edman, Thomas Eskilsson, Meta Louise Foldager, Peter Garde, Marianne Jul Hansen, Peter Aalbaek Jensen, Lars Jonsson, Katrine Sahlstrom, Marianne Slot, Louise Vesth, Manuel Alberto Claro, Morten Hojbjerg, Molly Marlene Stensgaard, Jette Lehmann, Jessica Balac, Mouns Overgaard, Maj-Britt Paulmann, Peter Hjorth, Pontus Klange, Anders Refn, James Velasquez, Rikard Andersson, Klas Ankelstam, Anna LundinAt the press conference in Cannes on Wednesday afternoon to his apocalyptic drama “Melancholia”, he was – unfortunately – in this respect too great shape.

He said not only to gentle horror of his leading lady Kirsten Dunst, she was suffering from depression, but claimed this week to shoot on the request of his actors a porno.  Yes!

What?

And when this was not enough, he outed himself as a Nazi even – after his family had German roots.  Hitler was indeed made “a few bad things”, but “I can imagine him in his bunker, in the end, sad.”  Lordy.

The manager of the Film Festival will take place this kind sardonic submissions not funny.  In the early evening, they said in such a short communiqué as sharp, they would never allow such submissions become the stage of Cannes.

Manka Bros., Khan Manka, Jill Kennedy, OnMedea, Behind The Proscenium, Kimmo Mustonenen, Lars Von Trier, Kyrle Lendhoffer, Kyrle Lindhoffer, Ben Silverman, movie review, Melancholia, Cannes press conference, Kirsten Dunst, Kiefer Sutherland, Dogma, enfant terrible, Charlotte Gainsbourg, Keifer Sutherland, Charlotte Rampling, John Hurt, Alexander Skarsgard, Stellan Skarsgard, Brady Corbet, Udo Kier, Jesper Christensen, Deborah Fronko, Cameron Spurr, Bettina Brokemper, Remi Burah, Madeleine Edman, Thomas Eskilsson, Meta Louise Foldager, Peter Garde, Marianne Jul Hansen, Peter Aalbaek Jensen, Lars Jonsson, Katrine Sahlstrom, Marianne Slot, Louise Vesth, Manuel Alberto Claro, Morten Hojbjerg, Molly Marlene Stensgaard, Jette Lehmann, Jessica Balac, Mouns Overgaard, Maj-Britt Paulmann, Peter Hjorth, Pontus Klange, Anders Refn, James Velasquez, Rikard Andersson, Klas Ankelstam, Anna LundinLars von Trier had to ask an explanation for his behavior, now apologized, saying he had “carried away by a provocation” to.

The most peculiar tendency to self-promotion was already in the press release for “Melancholia” are visible.  There, Lars von Trier makes ado self insult to the principle.

“Cream of the Cream,” his film has become, and only the poster, the film stills, the trailer:  The see everything “sort of shit” from.  Likely to say the enfant terrible with the fact that his new film is a great place.  In any case, somehow.

See?  I am not afraid to say it.

At least it is pleasing – or so it seemed up to the press conference – that Lars von Trier has made a deep depression, he set two years ago with “Antichrist” is a frightening monument, found apparently. 

“Melancholia” but told by an identically-giant planet speed towards the earth and swallows them, of nothing less than the end of the world – by swallowing (what?).

But instead of torturing his film characters, as then, his audience physically and mentally, Lars von Trier celebrates its fatalism and nihilism in a disaster film, as we have seen him in such peace before.  And for his concise history, he needs only one scene with highly transparent personnel.

What?

Manka Bros., Khan Manka, Jill Kennedy, OnMedea, Behind The Proscenium, Kimmo Mustonenen, Lars Von Trier, Kyrle Lendhoffer, Kyrle Lindhoffer, Ben Silverman, movie review, Melancholia, Cannes press conference, Kirsten Dunst, Kiefer Sutherland, Dogma, enfant terrible, Charlotte Gainsbourg, Keifer Sutherland, Charlotte Rampling, John Hurt, Alexander Skarsgard, Stellan Skarsgard, Brady Corbet, Udo Kier, Jesper Christensen, Deborah Fronko, Cameron Spurr, Bettina Brokemper, Remi Burah, Madeleine Edman, Thomas Eskilsson, Meta Louise Foldager, Peter Garde, Marianne Jul Hansen, Peter Aalbaek Jensen, Lars Jonsson, Katrine Sahlstrom, Marianne Slot, Louise Vesth, Manuel Alberto Claro, Morten Hojbjerg, Molly Marlene Stensgaard, Jette Lehmann, Jessica Balac, Mouns Overgaard, Maj-Britt Paulmann, Peter Hjorth, Pontus Klange, Anders Refn, James Velasquez, Rikard Andersson, Klas Ankelstam, Anna LundinJustine (Kirsten Dunst in fine forming, but no Ginnifer Goodwin) and Michael (Alexander Skarsgard) celebrate their wedding in a castle, one with an adjacent golf course on the lake, Justine’s sister, Claire (Charlotte Gainsbourg) and her husband John (Kiefer Sutherland).

With the hand-held camera filmed nervously close to the people (like “Cloverfield” – awesome!), the party, not least through active support of the embodied by Charlotte Rampling bride’s mother, similarly gruesome next, as was the family party in Thomas Vinterberg’s Dogma classic “Festen” (1998).

The couple separated on the wedding night, and the mentally unstable Justine remains with Claire’s family on the property alone.  Meanwhile, the planet is approaching inexorably Melancholia:  In five days he should, say the optimists among scientists, just pass by the earth.

Manka Bros., Khan Manka, Jill Kennedy, OnMedea, Behind The Proscenium, Kimmo Mustonenen, Lars Von Trier, Kyrle Lendhoffer, Kyrle Lindhoffer, Ben Silverman, movie review, Melancholia, Cannes press conference, Kirsten Dunst, Kiefer Sutherland, Dogma, enfant terrible, Charlotte Gainsbourg, Keifer Sutherland, Charlotte Rampling, John Hurt, Alexander Skarsgard, Stellan Skarsgard, Brady Corbet, Udo Kier, Jesper Christensen, Deborah Fronko, Cameron Spurr, Bettina Brokemper, Remi Burah, Madeleine Edman, Thomas Eskilsson, Meta Louise Foldager, Peter Garde, Marianne Jul Hansen, Peter Aalbaek Jensen, Lars Jonsson, Katrine Sahlstrom, Marianne Slot, Louise Vesth, Manuel Alberto Claro, Morten Hojbjerg, Molly Marlene Stensgaard, Jette Lehmann, Jessica Balac, Mouns Overgaard, Maj-Britt Paulmann, Peter Hjorth, Pontus Klange, Anders Refn, James Velasquez, Rikard Andersson, Klas Ankelstam, Anna LundinOnly Justine (turning whiter)- or rather, feel – better.  And she suspects the reason the reverse story of creation.  The earth is as evil as the earthlings, and a life out in space after the big bang, there is not anyway.  But this is too much.

If I say again, why see it, no?

A new masterpiece by Lars von Trier?  In “Dancer in the Dark”, which he won the Golden Palm in 2000, reaches “Melancholia” not approach (“Melancholia” to “Dancer in the Dark” – I’m not clear).  But even if the movie almost seems to shrink in proportion as the light blue shimmering star grows into full-length canvas size, it remains a suggestive impressive experience.

Just like the astronomers, because if the human race should flourish once a similar fate, please call the killer planet differently.  Like Conan.  Or Jack Bauer

“Melancholy” does not kill, but is a worthy temperament that helps understand life.

Manka Bros., Khan Manka, Behind The Proscenium, Kyrle Lendhoffer, Reese Witherspoon, Water For Elephants, Robert Pattinson, Christoph Waltz, Paul Schneider, Jim Norton, Hal Holbrook, Mark Povinelli, Richard Brake, Stephen Monroe Taylor, Ken Foree, Scott MacDonald, James Frain, Sam Anderson, John Aylward, Brad Greenquist, Tim Guinee, Donna W. Scott, E.E. Bell, Kyle Jordan, Aleksandra Kaniak, Ilia Volok, Bruce Gray, Jim Jansen, James Keane, Ivo Nandi, Karynn Moore, Andrew Connolly, Doug McDougal, Tracy Phillips Rowan O'Hara, Water for Elephants, Tai, Uggie, Ice, Sita Acevedo, Danny Castle, Michael Coronas, Aloysia Gavre, Francis Lawrence, Andrew R. Tennenbaum, Erwin Stoff, Gil Netter, Kevin Halloran, Alan Edward Bell, Ana Maria Quintana, Chad Holmes, David Crank, Denise Chamian, Molly Allen, Sasha Veneziano, Kimmo MustonenenKimmo Mustonenen – Behind The Proscenium

P.S.  Ginnifer Goodwin to make fun in new television serial this fall on television!  More news when known!