Valentina Borfecchia – Behind the Proscenium

May 24, 2013

Fast & Furious 6 [REVIEW]

Manka Bros., Khan Manka, Behind The Proscenium, Kyrle Lendhoffer, Kimmo Mustonenen, Kimmo On Kino, Fast and Furious 6, Justin Lin, Chris Morgan, Gary Scott Thompson, Vin Diesel, Paul Walker, Dwayne Johnson, Jordana Brewster, Michelle Rodriguez, Tyrese Gibson, Sung Kang, Gai Gadot, Ludacris, Luke Evans, Elsa Pataky, Gina Carano, Clara Paget, Kim Kold, Johannes Taslim, Samuel M. Stewart, Benjamin Davies, Matthew Stirling, David Ajala, Thure Lindhardt, Shea Whigham, Andrei Zayats, John Ortiz, Jason Thorpe, Huggy Leaver, Alexander Vegh, Magda Rodriguez, Andy Pointon, Victor Gardener, Estrella Lorenzo, Carolina Pozo, Reveil Beat, Sarah Yan Li, Lee Asquith-Coe, Jin Au-Yeung, Mark Badham, Paul Blackwell, Lee Bolton, Jonathan Brooks, Siong Loong Choong, Leon Corbin, Max William Crane, Lee Craven, Gioacchino Jim Cuffaro, Catherine Delaloye, Rowena Diamond, Amy Forrest, Michael Hagen, Lewis James, Baron Jay, Denis Khoroshko, Stephen Marcus, Alex Martin, Allistair McNab, Rita Ora, Diezel Ramos, Deborah Rosan, Eddie Ruben, Glen Stanway, Jason Stratham, Julian Stone, Bao Tieu, Alexander Dostal, Neal H Moritz, Clayton Townsend, Lucas Vidal, Stephen F Windon, Greg D'Auria, Kelly Matsumoto, Christian Wagner, Lucinda Syson, Jan Roelfs, Guy Bradley, David Cain, Frank Cuomo, Simon Emanuel, Nick Fulton, Tobin Hughes, Barrett J. Leigh, Michael Malone, Jason Pomerantz, Adam Teeuw, Sergey Yahontov, Valentina Borfecchia, Gadi Cimand, Alex Aitken

Fast & Furious 6

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

I remember once the confusion of the now.

In my head.

Years in the past, I wandered in the theater.

I saw the sign – “Fast and The Furious 5.”

“A cool new band!” I thought.

How much of the cool could be this singer Fast? Rock star name!

And The Furious Five? Double down the cool.

Then the confusion.

Awesome rock roll band is nowhere – instead very loud, very dumb film called “Fast & Furious 5.”

Oh, how much wishing I was doing for myself that “Fast & Furious 6” would really be the nowhere band of Fast made into real reality with an additional Furious.

No. Another very loud, very dumb film.

Plot?

Really? You care? Okay.

So the last one is in the front of your brain. Remember that… And it is precisely this last scene of the furious hammer action “Fast & Furious 5” linked onto “Fast & Furious 6” and knitting a functional, though not particularly exciting story about it.

In this Hobbs (The Rock – he smells what you’re cookin’!) shows up to Dom (Vin Diesel) and Brian (Paul Walker), who have fled abroad from the grasp of U.S. authorities, and their dream of freedom living abroad, together, in love.

Brian is now father and makes it much more leisurely approach as Dom. After all, one has no more financial worries thanks to the coup in Brazil, but that is for other times.

But Hobbs, the steamroller in the service of crime, both will not lock up unexpectedly. Rather, he needs their help.

He is investigating Owen Shaw (Luke Evans), a mercenary who performs with his crew around the globe spectacular raids and currently the items of a “techno bomb” shit-storm maker that could turn off the communication of a crucial state for hours (they must have been looking at T.V’s “Revolution” – suck breeds suck).

He receives support from all of Letty (Michelle Rodriguez). There is certainly no question that Dom and Brian drum up their old team to put the craft Shaw, Letty to bring back to the family and to earn a pardon for past deeds.

Then…

VROOM!

SCREECH!

CRASH!

KABOOM!

AAARRRRGHHH!!!

AIRPLANE!

TANK!

HOT BUTT!

DOUBLE VROOM!

WHOOSH!

Then finally ZZZZZZZZZZ…

That is me – sleeping. So loud, this film, but noise is easily defeated by the sweet, sweet smoke.

I get it. I’m in the know. These things poop money into giant piles. I understand.

Word of advice to film crafter and makers – take some of the excess treasure and hire a writer of smart words and good ideas. Then very loud, very stupid money maker can be loud, fun money maker and I can be awake and my ears not be bleeding.

Think about this. Please.

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. “American Idol” is now almost to the death. We want White Guy With Guitar 6. You give us Candice Glover. And Nicki Minaj? The circus has called for it’s clown to come back! Ha! I win, you lose…

March 25, 2013

Ginger & Rosa [REVIEW]

Ginger & Rosa

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

What the hell?!?

I am sent to see the independently filmed “Ginger & Rosa.”

I have depression, for it is no “Olympus is Falling Over!”

That would have been the shit.

But no.

“Ginger & Rosa.”

Then my disappointment was to disappear – like hangover pain after a good bong load.

I see on the screen something almost not possible.

But is.

There are two Fannings now.

My mind is blow up. I already knew this, but this new one is now more formed.

There was once one Fanning – cute, with oozing talent, charm. Like young Drew Barrymore with less drugs.

Then she started with the dirty in “The Runaways.”

Pretty soon, 18 and naked – please (this is not a bad thing and my fingers are crossed).

So the Dakota parents make a clone.

This clone is not perfect – less a twin and more like a little sister.

She is very serious. And in “8mm” the only actor who acted.

Now she is very, very serious. Red hair serious.

Plot? Not so much.

Atmosphere? Totally.

Early 1960s England is a very cold place with nuclear bomb fear stuck on everybody. There is nothing to do but have bomb fear (Angry Birds is still 100 years into the future and texting even further away).

So schoolgirl friends, the smart Ginger (Elle Fanning) and increasingly horny Rosa (Alice Englert), have no time for nothing but smoking crappy cigarettes and looking at the sea.

And hanging out, while looking at the sea.

Then, there is more sea looking.

Ginger’s father Roland (Alessandro Nivola) is of the art-type, and a pussy when war was a thing to do.

He is a pre-hippy.

With a boat.

There is a lot of hanging out and smoking (and sea looking).

There are gay guys who aren’t gay at all.

Annette Bening is for no reason. Cuba then has a crisis.

SPOILER ALERT! SERIOUSLY!

Finally, some plot. Or not. Ginger goes all anti-bomb death – Rosa goes all “I need me some daddy time” – Roland goes all “I need me some teenage [censored by editor]”.

Can friendship survive worst screen father in Cuban Crisis history?

Will Christina Hendricks (as Ginger’s big boobed Mom) ever show off her amazing chest puppies?

Will someone explain why Annette Bening is on the screen?

END SPOILERS!!!

I can’t help but to be in the liking of this movie.

None of my thumbs scream skyward, yet none of them are too droopy as well.

I partook of the sweet, sweet smoke. I drank Kossu before sitting at this typing computer.

Maybe see it for free. Time is not too wasted (unlike me, Kimmo, who is totally wasted).

Elle Fanning will some day be a star. Until she, too, has to be dirty and third Fanning (second clone) will be unleashed. The count down to 18 has begun…

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. “The Voice” is coming back, but no Xtina! I hope Shakira wears little clothes. And Blake Shelton accepts my invitation to drink until Kossu madness is achieved. And they have now an asshole (and Justin Bieber enabler) instead of the cool dwarf. I hope there is no hate in my heart and head for the new.

March 9, 2012March 20, 2012

John Carter [REVIEW]

John Carter

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

This week starts with a happiness explosion from my head mind (but not in the pants, dirty people).

“Kimmo, you are the man with a bag of lucky!” say I, Kimmo, to the self inside.

You see, I am to review my first love.

Not a human person. But a reading experience of youth.

Yes, the books series that made many endless Finnish nights come to an end.

An end that of happiness. That in Finland we call “morning.”

From “A Princess of Mars” through the crappy yet wonderful “John Carter of Mars: Skeleton Men of Jupiter” all asses were kicked.

Green and caucasian. Those from Helium to far off Ptarth

Then my first meat whacking to thoughts of Dejah Thoris (so hot in my mind! Best whack ever!).

How could Mr. Hollywood put the screw in the butt of “John Carter?”

Apparently with the ease of an experienced person who screws the butt of most great books for reading.

Disappointment is a pain that crawls in my stomach like a worm.

Or, here, like green four-armed Tars Tarkas (read the damn books!).

Crappy 3-D? Check!

CGI that is less than real than fake! Check!

$250 million spent on the crapping? Check!

Plot? Too much.

John Carter to Barsoom is somehow to there from here (Barsoom is Mars to Martians and others that have been to visit… Mars).

John falls in with Tharns who are green, four-armed, and totally whack.

I didn’t know that the William Dafoe had four arms – he is a good actor.

Carter (the hero) is played as a piece of white bread (Taylor Kitsch) with muscles.

And the whack queen of my first teens, Dejah Thoris, is the un-whack worth Lynn Collins.

Hollywood, you had almost 100 years to make a piece that is of a master and this is the warm pile that comes out?

What happened Mr. Director (Andrew Stanton)? With “Wall-E” I cried at mechanical homeless person who was lost among obese Americans lost in space.

Now even green, multi-limbed, bad-ass Tharns are like mouth pudding flavor free.

The loss of the hours wasn’t so much a hurt – watching my childhood friends of imagining being ass-raped (see “The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo”) was a pain that I will remember as long as I can – you see, even with the smoking of many loads of the wonderful Super O.G. Kush I could not find the liking… only the hating.

And the stomach-crawling disappoint.

So I have no more to say.

One thumb droops in mourning – the death of my childhood fantasies and hopes are now the truth of the screen.

The other thumb is to be right in the Mr. Disney butt – so now Mr. Disney, you know how “John Carter” feels.

I am sad.

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. “American Idol” – cannot next year (if there is one to be) have just one woman (who doesn’t make the eyes pain) over the age of 18? The “Season of Fugly” will no longer be watched. I watch “The Voice” now, waiting for Christina Aguilara’s imminent boob explosion. I quiver with the waiting.