Vanessa Redgrave – Behind the Proscenium

August 16, 2013

Lee Daniels’ The Butler

[Editor’s Note: Mr. Mustonenen has taken an unorthodox approach to this week’s review of “Lee Daniels’ The Butler.” We at Behind The Proscenium support his decision completely. If you have any talent and/or interest in film review and criticism, please e-mail us at intern@mankabros.com or let us know why you would be great for the job in the comments below Thank you for your continued support!]

Lee Daniels’ The Butler

With Wit, NOT Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

This is not reviewing a movie.

I did not see the movie and feel that to review what did not walk on my eyes would be like a lie, but with less evil.

More of leading you into a non-existence that would be now existing, but impossible.

Like Silver Lake, but with less neck-beard, skinny jean, fake eyeglass wearing hipster douching bags.

Or just as many. I don’t know. I didn’t see it.

Crazy.

So. I sit in my car, maximum bonging taking up my last minutes before to work I must go.

My lung sacks burned by the sweet, sweet smoke. My mind now has the “artist time” thoughts.

Also the “I’m for the chewing of popcorn” thoughts and “time for a shot of Kossu” thoughts and “that American girl has twin pendulous personalities” thoughts (nerds, I am referring to epic boob-dom – touch one/both sometime, it is awesome).

My ass crack is ready for theater seating.

Then my eyeballs are swung to the marquee. My mind now has not thoughts.

My mind is “WTF?”

Because my mind sees (with the eyeball help) “Lee Daniels’ The Butler.”

I am confusion.

I am to see “The Butler.” Who in Justin Bieber hell is Lee Daniels? And how does his name grow in front of a movie?

Tyler Perry may do this. He is the Queen of Drag and may command it.

I have no remembering of any other asshole with a name before a movie.

Oh. Cheech and Chong. But they share a genius brain and I think I am related.

Mr. Daniels man has an ego inflated like my stomach balloon after six Taco Bell Nacho Cheese Loco Tacos. Only with the taco orgy, I can later lift a butt cheek and deflate myself hideously.

Nothing could deflate Mr. Daniels. Proof?

His last asshole movie name was “Precious (Based on the Novel ‘Push’ by Sapphire).”

WTF? This man is an asshole. Or as we cry in Finland, “sir, you are an asshole.”

Lee Daniels, sir, you are an asshole.

By the time these thoughts choke for air in my car and mind, thinking and thinking (and hating), I am seeing that movie time for watching is in the past 30 minutes. Do I stay? Do I go?

Then I think, “if this dick-face made “Shark Night in 3D 2” I would not let my eyes watch.”

I speak the truth. What an ass-hat.

So, now, I must talk on the good. And the good was even gooder. Not cinema. No.

“Breaking Bad, Season 5B, Episode One.”

I will never be Mr. Meth-Head tweeker, spitting teeth into the breakfast and hair balls like the cat. Bad news. But why couldn’t Walter White (Bryan Cranston) had the botany hard on?

Good thing that is a no – because his ganj would be in my bowl, and I would be forever in the parking lot, pupils pointed at the marquee, thinking “Who the hell does this jerking off Lee Daniels think he is?”

There would still be much waiting for an answer… but MUCH less of the caring.

For concluding: Lee Daniels, my whirling butt-cherry is for the kissing. Now.

Next week – “The World’s End.” Nerds, start your engine motors!

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

January 20, 2012

Coriolanus [REVIEW]

Coriolanus

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

What?

Not 100% CGI?

No robot alien things?

Am I high (yes, I am)?

Then soldiers. My brain screams – You are within the stuck times of “Battle: Los Angeles!”

The worst of fates that mine could be… to have.

But no.

Winter’s cold has made me for to shrivel (in my man place).

Summer is for the confrontation of the ear (and mind – or mindlessness).

Now is for brain flexing cinema.

Thanks, Odin.

Plot? Sure!

An angry crowd in a clean-rehearsed choreography calls for bread of the armed military men guarding a bread factory (which makes bread).

A squad of soldiers with heavy artillery and camouflage uniforms (sharp!) stormed a housing estate and speaks in blank verse.

Shakespeare meets Balkan war – Ralph Fiennes directorial debut “Coriolanus” (heh, anus) transports the Elizabethan drama in the time and now it is dead right.

Massive, violent and bloody, this film – and psychologically subtle and finely worked, not least thanks to the wonderful language of William Shakespeare (he speaks of English from his mouth-place worse than I – lucky for the press kit or in the wilderness my thoughts were straying).

Fiennes, who plays Coriolanus, the excellent and very nuanced itself, and especially Vanessa Redgrave as the mother of the hero know the language to use (English, but still not right – I still confuse my own thoughts) – but even the minor characters are occupied very solid.

How alive do these lines, the power and magic in the age-old phrases is, if only the right people interpret it (I pretend that it made sense to me – clever)!

In the past, some directors have transported Shakespeare to the present day (or yesterday – confusion remains) – and usually the result was at least interesting.

Fiennes has landed “Coriolanus” a really big throw. Yes – THROW!

The story is told quickly: the Romans wage war against the Volscians (but not the same Volscians from “Star Trek”) – Coriolanus (heh), the Roman commander gains a bloody victory and to be in gratitude for consul.

Unfortunately, this little man of war, civil fine sense (? – what the hell, I will stop drinking), the common people is repugnant to him (they should bathe more often). Thus arises as soon opposed his appointment and must Coriolanus into exile.

Here he teams up with former arch-enemy, the leader of the Volscians (Gerald Butler, not Leonard Nimoy – disappoint), and moves with him to Rome.

The insanity of war and the inability of a soldier to survive in peace, are the pillars of this tragic drama. But the dialectic of hatred and admiration to homoerotic (no judgment) undertones between the two antagonists provides an additional voltage level (electric!).

Conclusion: Two thumbs yelling “Yippee! I’m not in the childish shit wallowing!”

Warning – this will involve your thinking brain. And your hearing ears. It is not shit. This is for brain-flexing. Sweet, sweet relief!

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. Speaking of Star Trek Volscians, I must a joke:

How is the U.S.S. Enterprise like a wad of toilet paper?

They both wipe out Klingons around Uranus.

Or your Coriol-anus.

I laugh at this still.

June 23, 2011June 23, 2011

Cars 2 [REVIEW]

Cars 2

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

Wow! Maybe over thinking was the downfall. Or over loving of money by Pixar.

Whatever.

No longer “wonder kid” crazy movie makers supreme. Now, just another assaulting to my eyeballs.

All for my dollars. Bastards! In sucky 3-D.

Written by Ben Queen from a previously devised by John Lasseter, Brad Lewis and Dan Fogelman, the script for Cars 2 hit by investing in a different story from that seen in the original instead of making the same mistake most of the proceedings and try to repeat the previous formula – and it is a pity, then, that the plot is chosen by the team as bad and equally formulaic.

What?

Adopting the genre “espionage” as the basis of the narrative, the film features Lightning McQueen (Owen Wilson) and his best friend Mate (Larry the Cable Guy) on a trip around the world while the race car part in a series of disputes promoted to prove efficiency of an alternative fuel, clean and renewable – or “green” to you and me.

However, Mate turns out to be mistaken for an American spy and goes on to spearhead several adventures along the agent McMíssel Finn (Michael Caine – not acting, but Reacting!) and his assistant Holley Box (yowza!) Brita (Emily Mortimer) as they try to discover the identity of the villain who seeks to sabotage the race discredit the new fuel.

The desperation of Cars 2 to establish some kind of solidity in its plot, in fact, reaches its peak at the instant kill, for no apparent reason, a loose unbelievable device, only to conclude that there can “do it” by not feel secure in himself, forcing his old friend to encourage him (I don’t even know what I wrote right now, but you will) – and this kind of unfortunate crud is spread throughout the work, starting on the scene, at the beginning of the film, in which Lightning mourns the death of Doc Hudson in a monologue accompanied by an artificial track just to forget about the very second he leaves the museum dedicated to old mentor (apparently, Pixar decided to delete the character after the death of his voice actor, Paul Newman, although the van originally voiced by George Carlin has not deserved the same consideration – words you can’t say on T.V. being said to Pixar right now).

This is now my longest sentence.

If nothing else, the film still takes care of sending anything positive for their young audience, planting the idea that “junk” (the “old”, “different”, “rejected”) see the world with envy, resentment and bad intentions (whatever!).

And what about their supposed ecological message, which at first seems to advocate the importance of a clean fuel and sustainable only to conclude with the mantra so unbelievable. So unbelievable that I shan’t mention it.

Ha!

A mantra that replaced the word “gasoline” for “Pixar” unfortunately no longer applies.

There, I said it.

Kimmo Mustonenen for Kimmo On Kino – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. The Glee Project brings me tears of joy. I have much hope for those poor, weirdo reject kids. And they’re not in their 20’s! Or auto-tuned! Yet.