September 2013 – Chairman's Blog

September 9, 2013September 9, 2013

Manka Bros. Would Like To Offer Adam Fogelson A Job

It has been brought to my attention by some guy that works here at the studio (whoever you are, in the future do not send me emails directly unless something around you is on fire… actually, don’t send me emails directly…) that Adam Fogelson has been fired from Universal.

This is a real stunner.

I remember Adam back in the early 1990s when he couldn’t get arrested in this town (actually, he COULD get arrested – remember that, Adam? Ha!).

But I digress…

[I will now “speak” directly to Adam…]

Now that you (Adam Fogelson) are a former big shot studio head, I would like to offer you the chance to become a big shot once more – at Manka Bros. Studios.

We currently don’t have anything open in our Theatrical Group – which could change at any time considering how horrible of a job Robin Rafe has done to date – but perhaps there are other possibilities on our Job Board that you may want to pursue.

I would think anyone with your qualifications would be able to handle anything we throw at you (except my job, of course).

And if none of those appeal to you, hell, we’ll make up a goddamn job. That is how highly we think of you.

So, think it over, Adam, we could use a real pro like you on our team… obviously.

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

P.S. – And if you do take a job here, Adam, it would be sweet revenge for that whole Manka Bros./Universal/Irving Thalberg debacle from 90 years ago. [Look it up!]

September 6, 2013September 1, 2015

Original Films Fail

Summer was a disaster at Manka Bros.

We didn’t have one film that worked.

A completely… totally… unbelievably fucked up summer.

And everyone is at fault.

But mostly, the fault lies in our film slate development strategy.

The reason?

ORIGINAL FILMS FAIL

Did you morons seriously believe we’d have a global, four-quadrant hit with “Monty” (the animated praying mantis who becomes an atheist)?

Or “Flap Yo Wings”? A hugely overbudget original 1930s-era musical?

From this day forward, I do not want any of you Ivy League eggheads to think creatively again.

From this day forward, we only produce sequels of previously popular films; adaptations from popular books (preferably from our Manka Books division); and other popular IP such as board games and cartoon characters.

I do NOT want to hear about anything I have never heard about before!

Capisce?

Hey, Robin Rafe, what made you think “The End Of Daves” was a home run? And what made you think July 4th weekend was the perfect time for it?

Because of you idiots, this past summer may be the last summer I am able to spend at my house in the Seychelles.

Thanks for ruining the best three months I spend all year!

I can’t wait to see how our next original film will do – “The Beer Hunter” – sounds hilarious – only it’s NOT A FUCKING COMEDY!

Great work, guys.

Really looking forward to the failures we have in 2014.

So – to be clear – I want everyone in theatrical (and television, for that matter) development to call your agent contacts and tell them all to fuck off with their original ideas. I want only sequels of hits and other movies based on strong previously popular IP.

Hell, why don’t we just start making our own version of “The Wizard Of Oz”? Apparently, no one has the rights.

And I know we haven’t started shooting the “Captain Stoppo” movie yet – but let’s get going on a sequel as well. Or better yet, we should start thinking about five of everything before we start a project.

And if I hear of one writer or producer in a pitch meeting that tries to slip in an idea that they thought up all by themselves, I will have them thrown off the lot and ruined forever in show business.

Capisce?

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

September 4, 2013

Leftover Cookies

Manka Bros., Khan Manka, World's Largest Media Company, Cookies, Conference Room

… in Conference Room 160.

But only take one, mooches! (And only SVP’s and above are allowed – a guard will be checking the color bar on your employee badge.)

We’re having such a bad year you don’t deserve any – but it’s Rosh Hashanah and my medication has kicked in.

I for fuck’s sake certainly hope year 5,774 is better than 5,773!

Next week, I’m going to give a company wide speech on motivation and morale – two things you have always sucked at.

I’ll be out of the office until Friday and refuse to be bothered.

If you need anything, find someone in senior management who is not Jewish (or find a Jew that I have punished and am not allowing the day off.)

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company