Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Conference – 2014
You know what? F these young tech dorks!
The great John Grisham once wrote there is a “Time To Kill” (or Jesus said it in the Bible – I don’t know)… but last night was almost my time to kill several asshole billionaire millennials.
I just wanted to strangle them with those tight t-shirts they’re so proud of wearing.
Herb Allen has lost control of this conference. He has been overly enamored and completely overrun by the arrogant pricks that are the Silicon Valley t-shirt mafia.
Let me step back…
After a fucking long day of  interviews and presentations from the likes of Phil Jackson and Larry Page (Larry talked about robots – that’s the pot calling the kettle black – he IS a robot!) in which they said everything and yet nothing, all we in the captive audience wanted to do was relax, have a drink and a little fun.
Every year, there is always one night that is set aside for some type of entertainment in which we, the attendees, are the entertainers.
It could be a karaoke night. A boxing tournament. Or even the controversial (and truly horrific) “Burning Mogul” event from a couple of years ago.
This year, Herb decided it would be fun to put on skits and songs like kids do at real summer camps. It sort of sounded like fun – many emails were sent back and forth from everyone and we all agreed.
Warren Buffett fought very hard to put on some sort of Broadway musical but there weren’t enough female moguls available to fill all the parts of something like that.
So short little rehearsed sketches or songs was the final decision.
Tim Armstrong was going to be at the piano (he plays better than Lang Lang, you know) and would accompany anyone that needed it.
It was all set.
Harvey Weinstein and I were going to do the “Dave’s not here” bit from Cheech & Chong. I had that record memorized when I was younger.
But then punk ass Zuckerberg decided he didn’t want to do a skit or song. He wanted to do improv and have an improv jam.
An improv jam in the Great Hall of the Moguls (The Limelight Ballroom)?
The fuck?!
And Herb Allen caved immediately and said it was a great idea. Much better than what he had planned.
So the skits were off and I witnessed what was possibly the worst display of comedy I have seen since our pilot episode of “My Wife Left Me For Bucky Dent.”
I would have preferred to sit and watch Barry Diller play video games on Twitch than to watch this terrible terrible improv show.
True horror is watching Mark Zuckerberg, Jeff Weiner and Ben Horowitz improvising a rap version of the “Gilligan’s Island” theme song (on an audience suggestion by Jeff Bezos).
Words can’t describe the discomfort we all felt when General Stanley McChrystal was pulled up into a scene where he was asked to get a reservation at a Mexican restaurant from an unintelligible Mexican waiter (played painfully by Les Moonves).
The General was genuinely angry and absolutely flustered by the whole experience.
It was gut-wrenching.
But the young punks ate it up.
I haven’t seen people laugh at something so awful since I was kneed in the nuts by Sumner Redstone in front of his family.
Other lowlights include:
- A Charlie Rose chiquita banana bit (no further comment necessary)
- A painful first date improv which took place at a laundry mat featuring Marissa Mayer (who still refuses to fix her thrashed voice – though she was the first to arrive, well ahead of schedule) and Michael Bloomberg. There was so much silence and embarrassment that people started shouting out things for them to say. They still stood, unable to come up with anything and then just stopped.
- To finish, Harvey Weinstein jumped up and did a sort of one man show where he is ordering God to make some changes on Earth. It sounds funnier than it was because his changes were so stupid and it went on like 25 minutes.
It was a complete humiliation for everyone involved.
The coming together of old and new media took a huge step backwards last night.
Just a massive epic fail.
Oh well – today’s panels are dominated by old media guys talking about content. It’s our day to shine!
Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company
Thank you, Khan, for writing about my plight with such compassion. I’ve been in several wars and last night was the worst night of my life.
Khan, Jesus! (How many times are you in the same sentence with THE MAN?! Oh, all the time. I forget.) I’ve been looking all over the resort for you. Bin Tran told me you were in the Limelight, but by the time I arrived you must have gone back to your room. I was coming to tell you that Marissa Mayer was topless at the Inn swimming pool. I think she finally cracked because she was dancing around the circular edge of the pool and the next thing I know, she’s in an argument with Sheryl Sandberg about having better looking boobs and a bigger company. By the time I got back from looking for you, the cat fight was on. Zuck convinced Bezos to bring the drone out from the tent and start rolling video. While Bezos is shooting, Sergey is hooking up for a live feed to YouTube. The whole thing felt like a bad fraternity prank, but I have to say, Marissa looked pretty good. You should have been there. I think Herb had the video down from YouTube almost as fast as it went up. Sergey was looking chastened this morning…something about being told he couldn’t come back if he pulled that again with some additional instruction to bring his wife and kids next time.
Watching Fox News’ Charles Gasparino whine like a little child after being served a trespassing citation from the Blaine County Sheriff was a highlight of this trip. Did you think it was ironic he was complaining about Allen & Co. security being thugs when in fact he was getting overserved by Bin and then becoming the aggressor? Clearly another couple of pops and we might have seen a brawl. That would have made my weekend. He needs his cameraman shoved into his backside along with the camera.
It’s good that Herb dropped Dawn of the Moguls this year before calisthenics. (who was the mogul doing Tai Chi alone on the Lawn with security nearby? What a DORK. Narcissist? Maybe?) I hated that song. Though I’m not sure how “We Built This City” was chosen as the replacement. Seeing Warren Buffett in his Fruit of the Loom gym shorts and socks at 6 a.m. dancing to We Built This City was cute. Marissa missed that wake up call every day…I wonder why?
I heard a rumor about next year’s agenda. Apparently, Dick Cheney has been asked to give mogul shooting lessons at the gun club (be sure to duck). Somebody also said Herb is going to do a mogul bartending session as a metaphor for M&A. Watching Cheryl Sandberg lean against the wall of the Drankin’ Hole after several pops was enough of a metaphor for me…there’s a difference between leaning in and tipping over.
I ended up grabbing a ride to the airport in one of Herb’s suburbans, fired up the jet, and got out. I can only take so much of mogul camp. Are we ever going to hoist a drink? Bin swears you are real. I like it here, so I come even when mogul camp isn’t in session. Cheers! – Terry
By the way, I forgot to recap my ‘favorite’ part of this conference…it was this morning, just before the crews came in to start breaking down the tents and sending all the rented plants and furniture back. Right after calisthenics to We Built This City, I loved the part where Herb had us all sit in a circle on the lawn, holding hands (Warren was next to me on one side and Gen. McCrystal on the other). Their hands are both very soft, but what got me the most was when Herb had Charlie Rose come to the center and read Dr. Seuss aloud to all of us: Oh The Places You’ll Go. Having an autographed Dr. Seuss book from Herb was enough to make me get sick (or maybe it was the hangover?) I chowdered all over the grass. Warren had a funny look on his face at that point. Ah, well, where else can you get a souvenir to match the conference colors for 2014 signed by Herb himself? I’m glad it’s over, and the Gray Lady is still not for sale.
Yes, I’m real sorry I missed that part. I was too busy stabbing myself in the eye with a fork – which was most likely a much more pleasant experience based on your summary.