Yes, even though I am still at my Montauk house on vacation (recovering from Chelsea Clinton’s wedding) people still think it’s okay to bother me.
So last night, I received an urgent call from Natalie Kim – the head of Manka Bros. Human Resources. She says she has received hundreds of emails from employees who wanted a clarification of Manka Bros.’ Gay Marriage Policy.
Even though I am heading out the door to play squash with Mort Zuckerman, I will take a couple of moments to address this issue.
Yes, Manka Bros. supports gay marriage.
Married employees (gay or straight) all receive the same benefits and perks (i.e., health coverage, 401K, 10% off Studio Store merchandise, free yogurt Fridays, etc.).
In fact, Manka Bros. has supported gay marriage for over 50 years – ever since my father, the asshole Harry Manka, signed a talent contract with Danny Kaye. Part of the deal was that he would be allowed to be gay inside the studio and actually have a husband and a house on the lot.
[Manka Bros. Corporate Legal Disclaimer: There is no proof that Danny Kaye was gay – he was just “allowed to be gay”.]
Because that experiment worked so well and kept Mr. Kaye so happy, it soon became Manka Bros.’ company policy – anyone who wanted to be gay and be married while at work was allowed to be. There were some strict guidelines though:
- No sex on Midwest Street (only in certain alleyways of the Greenwich Village backlot set would sex be tolerated);
- No gold lame bikini briefs (that was my father’s issue and has since been repealed for anyone working in Manka Bros. Theatrical or Television development);
- And no showtunes or cabaret music of any kind to played during company events (this remains in effect and will never be repealed as long as I draw a breath). Headphones are okay, I just don’t want to hear about it.
So, while many of you may be rejoicing in the overturning of Prop. 8, take comfort in the fact that it was always okay to be gay (and married) at Manka Bros.
In fact, I think this is a great opportunity for some of you in a loveless sham of a heterosexual marriage (i.e., Jay McBee) to come out and try to find the same-sex man or woman of your dreams.
Frankly, why anyone would want to be married is beyond me. (My three ex-wives wanted to be married to me so they could all get rich in the divorce… gold digging bitches.) But at Manka Bros., everyone is at least given that right.
Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company