Pompeii

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

This did not happen – yet the reality would make a fool of he who ignored what did not happen, yet happened… in reality.

In the cinema.

With the greatest comedy ever being made – the soon to be funny classic “Pompeii 3D.”

There was no expecting of this happening.

I know the story.

Rome spring break party place (Pompeii) is built next to Kaboom Mountain.

Kaboom Mountain goes “kaboom.”

Pyroclastic flow zips down from above (at 450 miles an hour – take that “Not So Fast, And Not As Furious as Kaboom Mountain” movies), and all the spring breakers turn into sad statues under the ash.

We learn from this that we will live further from volcanoes. This makes sense.

The sad statues say to Hollywood – “We were once happy and hot (in looks, not from volcano). We had love, horses, and greasy gladiator fighters. And togas. What a movie we will be!”

Hollywood says to the sad statues “Well, OK!!! All will be used! Laugh riot is coming to the multiplex!”

It was not funny in the begin times.

Plot? Yes.

The Celt (soon to be, in the future past, Kit Harington) watches Corvus (Kiefer Sutherland) overact his family into death.

The Celt becomes slave, and soon grows amazing abs that leak their own oil. He becomes a gladiator and moves from rain drippy London to super awesome Pompeii.

On a road, he sees Cassia (Emily Browning). She is so hotly beautiful and rich that The Celt must break a horse’s neck.

The horse is OK with this.

Romance is in the air, the horse is on the ground.

Many things happen.

Badass Atticus (Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje) is gladiator version of poor retiring cop on last day of cop job. He is toast and also a friend.

There are other actors and not much fun for first hour. 

We learn The Celt is really The Milo. He not only has oily abs, but is a horse whisperer. 

He longs to use Cassia’s pouty mouth lips as flesh pillows. 

Don’t we all.

Kaboom Mountain says “This is my film, now, son.”

And next is the seeing of flying volcano bombs from “2012” and earth rattle buildings to dust.  In 3D, the sweet, sweet smoke in my head makes my arm throw popcorn from fear!

Corvus is angered and chews scenery.

Milo and Cassia are concerned for they may never bone.

Then it happens.

This is truth.

The giggles start in the screening theater. They infect everybody, but for an infection it is fine with me.

The dumb on the screen is actually comedy.

Paul W.S. Anderson, you are genius! We have been fooled on by you.

This is disaster laugh time! And laughter is everywhere. No one can stop.

I laughed with hardness at the last 15 minutes so hard that my abs almost leaked oil, too. My eyes leaked tears. My face felt the pain of joy. Pants may have also been pee’d.

We all (audience) walk to the lobby as credits roll.

All audience (we all) keep laughing. And laugh some more. We are now friends in laughter.

Unreal, but real.

“Pompeii 3D” is the funniest movie in my life that has danced on my eye balls. No shit. 

Advice: Take a nap for first hour – nothing to be seen (damn PG-13, no Emily Browning boobies so rent “Sleeping Beauty” instead – you will thank me later). But as soon as Kaboom Mountain kabooms, all is well.

I am happy. I will see it again!

So go. You must. Kit Harington’s oily abs demand it.

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S.  Sweden, you are cheaters! Ice hockey is for men, not Swedes. Why did you poison Tuukka Rask?!? With his god-like wall powers in net you would be lucky if bronze was on you.  Now you play for gold? To you Sweden I say “may all your children die before you and your old age be cold and alone.” I have cursed you. Choke on your silver medal. Cheating cheaters. Damn.