Pompeii [REVIEW]

Manka Bros., Khan Manka, Behind The Proscenium, Kimmo Mustonenen, Kyrle Lendhoffer, Kimmo On Kino, Pompeii, Paul W. S. Anderson, Janet Scott Batchier, Michael Robert Johnson, Kit Harrington, Carrie-Anne Moss, Emily Browning, Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje, Jessica Lucas, Jared Harris, Joe Pingue, Kiefer Sutherland, Currie Graham, Dylan Schombing, Maxime Savaria, Ron Kennell, Tom Bishop Sr., Rebecca Eady, Sasha Roiz, Jean-Francois Lachapelle, Jean Frenette, Dalmar Abuzied, Emmanuel Kabonga, Brock Johnson, Kristine Nicoll, Janine Theriault, Mark Whelan, Anais Frenette, Donna Christo, Thomas STumpo, Melantha Blackthrone, Milan Camona, Jimmy Chimarios, Jay Da Costa, Derek Herd, Patrick Kerton, Ben Lewis, Alain Moussi, Jon Rhys, Goran Stjepanovic, Joe Vercillo, Jeremy Bolt, Don Carmody, Harley Gorenstein, Robert Kulzer, Martin Moszkowicz, Peter Schlessel, Clifton Shorter, Glen MacPherson, Paul Austerberry, Jeffrey Melvin, Wendy Partridge, Cassie Bragg, Hartley Gorenstein, Andrea Marotti, Aric Dupere, Jesse Daniel Glass, Jennifer Haufler, Pierre Henry, Karl Irvine, Robert Lee, Helga Rossi, Siluck Saysanasy, Deirdre Bowen, Hannah D'Angerio, Christopher Richards, Kevin Banks, Tony Blndal, Roberto Campanella, Stephanie Ahlen, Nuno Capitao de Salles, Sarah Crompton, Ryan Grassby, Jenna Hamilton, Sara Holmes, Jimmy Keegan, Kyle Limkilde, Bianca Marini, Angela Mastronardi, Jonathan Matthews, Jennifer Mesich, Andrew G Munro, Friederich Oetker, Rebecca Pearson, Jonathan Pencharz, Jerome Persaud, John Rakich, Tracey Savein, Craig Seitz, Sonia Singh, Adam Smith, Stefan Steen, Alan Sutton, Christian BobakPompeii

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

This did not happen – yet the reality would make a fool of he who ignored what did not happen, yet happened… in reality.

In the cinema.

With the greatest comedy ever being made – the soon to be funny classic “Pompeii 3D.”

There was no expecting of this happening.

I know the story.

Rome spring break party place (Pompeii) is built next to Kaboom Mountain.

Kaboom Mountain goes “kaboom.”

Pyroclastic flow zips down from above (at 450 miles an hour – take that “Not So Fast, And Not As Furious as Kaboom Mountain” movies), and all the spring breakers turn into sad statues under the ash.

We learn from this that we will live further from volcanoes. This makes sense.

The sad statues say to Hollywood – “We were once happy and hot (in looks, not from volcano). We had love, horses, and greasy gladiator fighters. And togas. What a movie we will be!”

Hollywood says to the sad statues “Well, OK!!! All will be used! Laugh riot is coming to the multiplex!”

It was not funny in the begin times.

Plot? Yes.

The Celt (soon to be, in the future past, Kit Harington) watches Corvus (Kiefer Sutherland) overact his family into death.

Manka Bros., Khan Manka, Behind The Proscenium, Kimmo Mustonenen, Kyrle Lendhoffer, Kimmo On Kino, Pompeii, Paul W. S. Anderson, Janet Scott Batchier, Michael Robert Johnson, Kit Harrington, Carrie-Anne Moss, Emily Browning, Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje, Jessica Lucas, Jared Harris, Joe Pingue, Kiefer Sutherland, Currie Graham, Dylan Schombing, Maxime Savaria, Ron Kennell, Tom Bishop Sr., Rebecca Eady, Sasha Roiz, Jean-Francois Lachapelle, Jean Frenette, Dalmar Abuzied, Emmanuel Kabonga, Brock Johnson, Kristine Nicoll, Janine Theriault, Mark Whelan, Anais Frenette, Donna Christo, Thomas STumpo, Melantha Blackthrone, Milan Camona, Jimmy Chimarios, Jay Da Costa, Derek Herd, Patrick Kerton, Ben Lewis, Alain Moussi, Jon Rhys, Goran Stjepanovic, Joe Vercillo, Jeremy Bolt, Don Carmody, Harley Gorenstein, Robert Kulzer, Martin Moszkowicz, Peter Schlessel, Clifton Shorter, Glen MacPherson, Paul Austerberry, Jeffrey Melvin, Wendy Partridge, Cassie Bragg, Hartley Gorenstein, Andrea Marotti, Aric Dupere, Jesse Daniel Glass, Jennifer Haufler, Pierre Henry, Karl Irvine, Robert Lee, Helga Rossi, Siluck Saysanasy, Deirdre Bowen, Hannah D'Angerio, Christopher Richards, Kevin Banks, Tony Blndal, Roberto Campanella, Stephanie Ahlen, Nuno Capitao de Salles, Sarah Crompton, Ryan Grassby, Jenna Hamilton, Sara Holmes, Jimmy Keegan, Kyle Limkilde, Bianca Marini, Angela Mastronardi, Jonathan Matthews, Jennifer Mesich, Andrew G Munro, Friederich Oetker, Rebecca Pearson, Jonathan Pencharz, Jerome Persaud, John Rakich, Tracey Savein, Craig Seitz, Sonia Singh, Adam Smith, Stefan Steen, Alan Sutton, Christian BobakThe Celt becomes slave, and soon grows amazing abs that leak their own oil. He becomes a gladiator and moves from rain drippy London to super awesome Pompeii.

On a road, he sees Cassia (Emily Browning). She is so hotly beautiful and rich that The Celt must break a horse’s neck.

The horse is OK with this.

Romance is in the air, the horse is on the ground.

Many things happen.

Badass Atticus (Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje) is gladiator version of poor retiring cop on last day of cop job. He is toast and also a friend.

There are other actors and not much fun for first hour. 

We learn The Celt is really The Milo. He not only has oily abs, but is a horse whisperer. 

He longs to use Cassia’s pouty mouth lips as flesh pillows. 

Don’t we all.

Kaboom Mountain says “This is my film, now, son.”

And next is the seeing of flying volcano bombs from “2012″ and earth rattle buildings to dust.  In 3D, the sweet, sweet smoke in my head makes my arm throw popcorn from fear!

Corvus is angered and chews scenery.

Milo and Cassia are concerned for they may never bone.

Manka Bros., Khan Manka, Behind The Proscenium, Kimmo Mustonenen, Kyrle Lendhoffer, Kimmo On Kino, Pompeii, Paul W. S. Anderson, Janet Scott Batchier, Michael Robert Johnson, Kit Harrington, Carrie-Anne Moss, Emily Browning, Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje, Jessica Lucas, Jared Harris, Joe Pingue, Kiefer Sutherland, Currie Graham, Dylan Schombing, Maxime Savaria, Ron Kennell, Tom Bishop Sr., Rebecca Eady, Sasha Roiz, Jean-Francois Lachapelle, Jean Frenette, Dalmar Abuzied, Emmanuel Kabonga, Brock Johnson, Kristine Nicoll, Janine Theriault, Mark Whelan, Anais Frenette, Donna Christo, Thomas STumpo, Melantha Blackthrone, Milan Camona, Jimmy Chimarios, Jay Da Costa, Derek Herd, Patrick Kerton, Ben Lewis, Alain Moussi, Jon Rhys, Goran Stjepanovic, Joe Vercillo, Jeremy Bolt, Don Carmody, Harley Gorenstein, Robert Kulzer, Martin Moszkowicz, Peter Schlessel, Clifton Shorter, Glen MacPherson, Paul Austerberry, Jeffrey Melvin, Wendy Partridge, Cassie Bragg, Hartley Gorenstein, Andrea Marotti, Aric Dupere, Jesse Daniel Glass, Jennifer Haufler, Pierre Henry, Karl Irvine, Robert Lee, Helga Rossi, Siluck Saysanasy, Deirdre Bowen, Hannah D'Angerio, Christopher Richards, Kevin Banks, Tony Blndal, Roberto Campanella, Stephanie Ahlen, Nuno Capitao de Salles, Sarah Crompton, Ryan Grassby, Jenna Hamilton, Sara Holmes, Jimmy Keegan, Kyle Limkilde, Bianca Marini, Angela Mastronardi, Jonathan Matthews, Jennifer Mesich, Andrew G Munro, Friederich Oetker, Rebecca Pearson, Jonathan Pencharz, Jerome Persaud, John Rakich, Tracey Savein, Craig Seitz, Sonia Singh, Adam Smith, Stefan Steen, Alan Sutton, Christian BobakThen it happens.

This is truth.

The giggles start in the screening theater. They infect everybody, but for an infection it is fine with me.

The dumb on the screen is actually comedy.

Paul W.S. Anderson, you are genius! We have been fooled on by you.

This is disaster laugh time! And laughter is everywhere. No one can stop.

I laughed with hardness at the last 15 minutes so hard that my abs almost leaked oil, too. My eyes leaked tears. My face felt the pain of joy. Pants may have also been pee’d.

We all (audience) walk to the lobby as credits roll.

All audience (we all) keep laughing. And laugh some more. We are now friends in laughter.

Unreal, but real.

“Pompeii 3D” is the funniest movie in my life that has danced on my eye balls. No shit. 

Advice: Take a nap for first hour – nothing to be seen (damn PG-13, no Emily Browning boobies so rent “Sleeping Beauty” instead – you will thank me later). But as soon as Kaboom Mountain kabooms, all is well.

I am happy. I will see it again!

So go. You must. Kit Harington’s oily abs demand it.

Manka Bros., Khan Manka, Behind The Proscenium, Kyrle Lendhoffer, Reese Witherspoon, Water For Elephants, Robert Pattinson, Christoph Waltz, Paul Schneider, Jim Norton, Hal Holbrook, Mark Povinelli, Richard Brake, Stephen Monroe Taylor, Ken Foree, Scott MacDonald, James Frain, Sam Anderson, John Aylward, Brad Greenquist, Tim Guinee, Donna W. Scott, E.E. Bell, Kyle Jordan, Aleksandra Kaniak, Ilia Volok, Bruce Gray, Jim Jansen, James Keane, Ivo Nandi, Karynn Moore, Andrew Connolly, Doug McDougal, Tracy Phillips Rowan O'Hara, Water for Elephants, Tai, Uggie, Ice, Sita Acevedo, Danny Castle, Michael Coronas, Aloysia Gavre, Francis Lawrence, Andrew R. Tennenbaum, Erwin Stoff, Gil Netter, Kevin Halloran, Alan Edward Bell, Ana Maria Quintana, Chad Holmes, David Crank, Denise Chamian, Molly Allen, Sasha Veneziano, Kimmo MustonenenKimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S.  Sweden, you are cheaters! Ice hockey is for men, not Swedes. Why did you poison Tuukka Rask?!? With his god-like wall powers in net you would be lucky if bronze was on you.  Now you play for gold? To you Sweden I say “may all your children die before you and your old age be cold and alone.” I have cursed you. Choke on your silver medal. Cheating cheaters. Damn.

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Comments

  1. Kimmo, you’re so right. I saw it last night and people were laughing so hard at the last 15 minutes (especially the last 5) that they could barely breath. An instant wretched classic.

  2. Megan R. on February 21, 2014 at 1:56 pm said:

    I can’t believe how much money is spent on a crappy movie like Pompeii!!! I spit in the eye of this movie.

  3. Bruce Barnett on February 22, 2014 at 11:10 am said:

    Looks gorgeous but I was hoping for a surprise ending.

  4. Hilarity!
    Loved the review and agree with every hilarious observation.
    Did I say hilarious??
    Need a laugh? Go watch Pompeii.

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