Good morning.
First off, to all of my friends who are badly hungover this morning – I’m told the Circus Circus Buffet will clean out your system pretty well.
And to all my friends who are still drunk from last night [there are some claps and hoots from the audience] – well done – but pace yourselves, gentlemen and ladies, there are three more drunken days yet to go.
Especially you, Bob Iger! [Bob Iger, in the front row, howls like a wolf.]
Last night, we were at Caesar’s drinking on Cleopatra’s Barge and Bob said he was going to close the place down. I had to remind him it was a casino in Vegas and they don’t close!
Anyway, let’s get started.
How about a joke? What do you call someone who was a nerd in high school but went on to makes billions in technology and basically changed the way we live our lives? A nerd.
I’m not here today as an ally to the consumer electronics industry. Frankly, you can all F yourselves. I’m here to say to all you geeks and computer dorks who think you can tell Hollywood how to entertain the world that today HOLLYWOOD FIGHTS BACK!
I don’t give a shit about your new phone. I don’t give a shit about the “digital cloud” you built to hold all my media files – if you guys really want to be useful, develop a killer App that will clean and organize my garage. And I don’t give a shit about being able to perfectly simulate a Vietnam jungle battle in my family room.
Seriously, why do I need a new phone and new television every fucking year?
When I was a growing up in the 1960s we had one innovation – color television. That lasted us 20 years until we had a VCR that could play tapes of movies. That lasted us 20 years until we had DVD players that could play DVDs of movies.
If you freakin’ tech idiots would have left well and good alone, we Hollywood studios would still be raking in billions from DVD sales and my friend Sumner Redstone wouldn’t have to sell his blood and plasma just to pay the rent. That’s a joke, he actually has other people sell their blood and plasma to pay his rent.
So today, on behalf of Manka Bros. – The World’s Largest Media Company – and my studio mogul brethren, I ask the consumer electronics industry to STOP THE INNOVATION.
Stop making my toaster check the traffic before I leave home.
Stop telling the world which bars and prostitutes I have visited.
Stop having these pointless trade shows that only exist so that media executives can act like they’re working but are actually just partying in Vegas [many ‘boos’ from the crowd].
Imagine the turnout CES would have if it were held in Akron every year.
Stop everything you’re doing and let us premium content creators go back to doing what we do best – entertaining the world.
Don’t you morons understand we just want to make movies and television shows? It’s killing us to constantly spend our time reconfiguring formats to fit the new phone in our hand or the chip in the back of our brains.
We just want it to be 2003 again. So either join us or get the fuck out of our way because we are going backwards and will do everything it takes to do things the way we have always done them. Capisce?
Google, Microsoft and Facebook are not the studios of the future. Audiences can only watch so many movies about computer nerds who save the world and date robot women.
Questions?
Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company
You may be joking but there is truth in what you say.
Great story about how gadgets that debut at CES tend to fail more than succeed…
http://www.canadianbusiness.com/article/64734–the-ces-curse-gadget-show-has-poor-record
I don’t hold out much hope for this year’s show. A total borefest. Except, oh yeah, it’s in Vegas baby! Not boring there. Flops will be anyting having to do with media digital conversion.
I’m looking forward to this year’s CES. I wish Khan were coming again. I think at this year’s show the main issue will be trying to convince consumers that Apple’s TV that is coming is not a threat. Every thing done is to combat Apple, beat Apple, kill the iPad. And now they’re pooping bricks over Apple’s rumored TV release.
I don’t know who you are, Kahn Manka, but you write one hell of a funny and true article.
Also, if Manka Bros. Studios is the world’s largest media company, can you get me a date with Aubrey Plaza?
I COULD get you a date with Aubrey Plaza. I choose not to.
funny. I agree with your points on gadgets. how much can we all really afford. plus the setup time. i can’t keep buying a phone every year. It turns out I don’t even use it as much as I thought. i’m bored with texting. i’m back to talking on the phone.
If CES were in Akron then hardly anyone would attend and we woudl still be playin g Playstation 1’s today.
I dont even know how to describe that blog post. I hope i’m sensing sarcastic humour. And to people who think this is exactly what he means or if he does actually mean it in the most serious sense (I doubt it), I say read the joke about the nerd in the blog post. And if you get it, skip to the next paragraph but if you still disagree with my point, re-read the joke. And now if you get it, skip to the next paragraph but if you still disagree, re-re-read the joke. And repeat.
If you still didn’t get the joke and skipped to this paragraph, it explains why you believe what you do! This holds true to the blogger too! So, re-read the instructions in the first paragraph. Others may read on.
Let me tell you all why that joke is important. Any guesses? You’re right, it’s because it is true. And how did that nerd do it? Here’s a hint: not by watching the same tube TV or movies on the VCR and being content with it. Now you get it -the nerd did so by innovating. And this is exactly what the nerds are doing at CES – creating and innovating!
It is true that trade shows like CES aren’t required for innovation. (Need proof? Visit http://www.ted.com/talks/pranav_mistry_the_thrilling_potential_of_sixthsense_technology.html ) They might just be an excuse for company execs to get away. And a lot of the products don’t even make it to market. Big [expletive] deal!!! It’s no conspiracy!!! But, to ask the nerds to stop is akin to asking a physicist to not discover neutrons because we are happy with the proton-electron model.
We don’t need a new phone or TV every year, we need one every quarter. Heck, make that every month! What we dont need, is people to buy it every year and blame it on conspiracies by corporations! It’s a free-market but no one said it was a fair-market!
Thank You, Techs make the crappy music and movies a better experience for everyone and of coarse someone moans about losing money. Hey entertainment industry maybe we need congress to make some more Laws. I know instead of going after users on the net lets stop all those evil innovators.
I would totally go to CES if it were in Akron. All the drunks could visit Dr Bobs house, and The Black Keys could headline the party.
Would a prototype of a new iPhone 5 change your mind, Mr. Manka. I think deep down you want gadgets, you need gadgets. Gadgets control your life. You have no power.
I have arrived and am already bored. One quick trip through to say I was here and it’s off to the casinos.
By tomorrow no one will be able to focus. If you had a booth, the smartest thing you could do would be to give out free pizza and french fries – all that sort of hangover food.