First off, to all of my friends who are badly hungover this morning – I’m told the Circus Circus Buffet will clean out your system pretty well.
And to all my friends who are still drunk from last night [there are some claps and hoots from the audience] – well done – but pace yourselves, gentlemen and ladies, there are three more drunken days yet to go.
Especially you, Bob Iger! [Bob Iger, in the front row, howls like a wolf.]
Last night, we were at Caesar’s drinking on Cleopatra’s Barge and Bob said he was going to close the place down. I had to remind him it was a casino in Vegas and they don’t close!
Anyway, let’s get started.
How about a joke? What do you call someone who was a nerd in high school but went on to makes billions in technology and basically changed the way we live our lives? A nerd.
I’m not here today as an ally to the consumer electronics industry. Frankly, you can all F yourselves. I’m here to say to all you geeks and computer dorks who think you can tell Hollywood how to entertain the world that today HOLLYWOOD FIGHTS BACK!
I don’t give a shit about your new phone. I don’t give a shit about the “digital cloud” you built to hold all my media files – if you guys really want to be useful, develop a killer App that will clean and organize my garage. And I don’t give a shit about being able to perfectly simulate a Vietnam jungle battle in my family room.
Seriously, why do I need a new phone and new television every fucking year?
When I was a growing up in the 1960s we had one innovation – color television. That lasted us 20 years until we had a VCR that could play tapes of movies. That lasted us 20 years until we had DVD players that could play DVDs of movies.
If you freakin’ tech idiots would have left well and good alone, we Hollywood studios would still be raking in billions from DVD sales and my friend Sumner Redstone wouldn’t have to sell his blood and plasma just to pay the rent. That’s a joke, he actually has other people sell their blood and plasma to pay his rent.
Stop making my toaster check the traffic before I leave home.
Stop telling the world which bars and prostitutes I have visited.
Stop having these pointless trade shows that only exist so that media executives can act like they’re working but are actually just partying in Vegas [many 'boos' from the crowd].
Imagine the turnout CES would have if it were held in Akron every year.
Stop everything you’re doing and let us premium content creators go back to doing what we do best - entertaining the world.
Don’t you morons understand we just want to make movies and television shows? It’s killing us to constantly spend our time reconfiguring formats to fit the new phone in our hand or the chip in the back of our brains.
We just want it to be 2003 again. So either join us or get the fuck out of our way because we are going backwards and will do everything it takes to do things the way we have always done them. Capisce?