November 2009 Archives

Online celebrity gossip blogs need you to keep evading authorities and issuing bizarre statements on your website.  It's the only way many of them will be able to survive the current advertising slowdown.

For a while, the crazy death of Michael Jackson and the pending divorce of Jon & Kate sustained TMZ, Defamer, Radar, etc., but now, they really needed something to jack up the Holiday season - and your insane Thanksgiving was the perfect (the absolute perfect) present under the tree.

What you need to do now, Tiger, is barricade yourself inside your home or come out naked and drunk like something on "Cops" (throw in a scream at the helicopters for that extra zing).  Maybe you and Kobe could get together and go on some sort of cross-country crime spree ala "Bonnie and Clyde". 

I don't really care what you decide to do next - but PLEASE DO NOT TELL THE TRUTH.  That would kill this story faster than David Letterman confessing his illicit affair on national television.

So, Tiger...

DON'T come to California and host your golf tournament (keep everyone wondering where you are);

DON'T give a press conference to clear everything up (unless you decide to make it a crazy one with someone like Drew Rosenhaus as your spokesperson);

DO go on Oprah and Jay Leno once your wounds have healed for a nice, safe interview that you have full control over (and stick to your story of Elin freeing you with a golf club from your wrecked Escalade);

DO give Elin a flawless 20-carat diamond during "The View" and "thank her for saving your life"...

Etc. etc. etc.

Just don't tell the truth.   That would ruin everything.

Jill Kennedy - OnMedea

Apparently, Rich Ross has had an epiphany:  Women like movies. 

According to the Los Angeles Times (and I'm paraphrasing/ reading between-the-lines), Rich Ross has told (male) literary agents at (male) literary agencies (who represent [male] literary writers), that (Walt) Disney Studios would like to produce more films that appeal to women. 

It must have been one of those 'flux capacitor' moments for Rich Ross and got me wondering about how genius manifests itself.  I mean, thoughts this brilliant don't just come along every day. 

So in my own inferior mind, I began to wonder how the scene must have played out in Bob Iger's office (or wherever it occurred) and believe it happened like this:

Bob Iger, in sweaty shorts and a T-shirt is slamming racquetballs against the giant windows of his office (the one with the Seven Dwarfs outside).

Intercom:  Mr. Iger, your nephew, Richard Ross, is here to see you.

Bob Iger:  He's not my nephew.  Send him in.

Richard Ross enters.

Rich:  Uncle Bob, I want to run something by you.

Bob:   Rich, I'm not your uncle.

Rich:  We can play it that way.  I'm hip to that.

Bob:  What's on your mind?

Rich:  Women.

Bob:  Really?  You?  Explain.

Rich:  I think we need to make movies that appeal to women.  Kagan recently did a study that came to the conclusion that women actually go to movies.  That they actually... enjoy movies.

Bob:  You mean like Pirates of the Caribbean and Walt Disney's A Christmas Carol?

Rich:  I mean like Twilight and Sandra Bullock movies.

Bob:  Jesus Christ.  What the fuck are you saying to me? 

Rich:  I'm saying we need to get together with some of the top male screenwriters and producers in Hollywood and come up with the next generation of "Twilights" and "Sandra Bullock" movies.  In order to survive, we need to tap more women.

Bob:  Then do it.  You have my full support.

Rich:  Thanks, Bob.

Bob:  Uncle... Bob.

Rich smiles and leaves.

That may not have been exactly the way it played out - but the end result will be films manufactured by men that attempt to appeal to women that do nothing but turn women off.

My advice to Disney:  Pirates of the Caribbean 4.  Appeal to women when you have a good story to tell, not by turning a "John Travolta" script into a "Sandra Bullock" script.

Jill Kennedy - OnMedea

The revolution is over... and what a crappy revolution it was. 

Notional - the only company to ever come up with the idea for a dating show in a taxi; a competitive cooking show; a home makeover show; as well as several shitty internet game shows in development including "Ready, Set, Dance", "You vs. America" and "Chase the Money" - is dead.

Yes, I realize Notional hasn't got up on its feet yet - but, based on the announcement of the "slate" today, Notional IS creatively dead.  Physically, they're still on life support and won't be dead until 2010 (thus the tombstone - thanks, R).

Oh, well.  I guess we'll just have to wait and see what content visionary (and current Notional CEO) Ricky Van Veen will think up next.  Hopefully something that will have the same forward-thinking press release that mentions words like "revolutionary" and "ground-breaking." 

I must apologize to Barry Diller and all IAC shareholders for killing off his two latest content creation ventures before they really got started - (I killed Ben Silverman's cure for what has been a cancer of bad content and business models on the internet, Electus, a couple of weeks ago... also before the launch) - but it had to be done. 

Come on, Ricky, freakin' internet game shows?  Who gives a shit?  You were so clever until you started spending Barry Diller's money.  What does he get for making you rich?  You... trying to make him poor.

The only show you could produce that could possibly work is you and your new best friend Ben Silverman going out every night and partying your brains out then putting your escapades up on the internet for everyone to see.  You could actually erect the elusive paywall on that one.  Just imagine it... you, Ben and hot chicks in bars... X-rated. 

THAT is programming only you guys can do in just the right pathetic way.  And THAT is your only competitive advantage.

Jill Kennedy - OnMedea

Meredith Whitney has been right in the past. 

Meredith Whitney has been wrong in the past. 

Meredith Whitney will be right about some things in the future. 

And Meredith Whitney will be very wrong about some things the future.  

The point? 

Meredith Whitney doesn't know shit about the future.  Meredith Whitney doesn't know shit about what the world will be like in the future.  David Blaine doesn't know what the world will be like in the future.  Or Uri Geller or Sarah Michelle Gellar.  NOBODY knows about the future!

When Meredith Whitney goes on CNBC with the Money Honey (Maria Bartiromo) and throws bombs while yelling fire at a stock market and overall economy that is struggling, what good does it do? 

I'm not saying she should pull her punches if she seriously thinks a double-dip recession is inevitable.  I'm just saying... she has no idea if a double-dip recession is inevitable.   Nobody does.  Much like the pundits who say the market is going to 15,000.

I understand Meredith Whitney has to be salacious to back up that rebel, bad girl photo on the front of the website (and above) for her company.  "What will that renegade MW say this time?  Get ready to sell sell sell!"  

But now, Meredith, you are, once again, in the unenviable position of rooting against the American economy - desperately hoping to be right to uphold your "reputation" and secretly wishing the worst so that you can say on CNBC in the spring "Well, I called it last November, Maria." 

Even though you know... you don't really know.

I don't care about your precious math and underlying fundamentals, Meredith, and all the bullshit numbers you'll throw out to back up whatever you're trying to say - just admit that nobody knows nothing.

Not even a woman with a zebra on her wall.

Jill Kennedy - OnMedea

I received an email this morning from a friend who said:  "Jill, OMG, you have to click on this link and vote for my show!" 

"Vote for what?", I said. 

"The Best Of 2009 TV.com Awards!  My show was nominated!" 

Are you fucking kidding me?  The Best of 2009 TV.com Awards?  What?  What I mean say is... huh?  The fuck? 

I was wondering why everyone here at Manka Bros. is running around so excited.  I thought it was because it is Friday - but no, IT'S BECAUSE THE BEST OF 2009 TV.COM NOMINATIONS ARE OUT!  (And this is not to be confused with the 2009 TV.com Awards which were announced a month or so ago - I think.) 

I am soooo nervous.  Will "30 Rock" finally break out and beat "The Big Bang Theory" for their first ever Best of 2009 TV.com Award?  Will "The Big Bang Theory" finally emerge from its "Two and a Half Men" shadow and beat "30 Rock" to win their first ever Best of 2009 TV.com Award? 

Actually, everyone who wins will win their very first Best Of 2009 TV.com Award.  Because this is the first year of the Best of 2009 TV.com Awards! 

Seriously, this town has got to stop giving out meaningless awards.  I know we thrive on it and need these awards desperately to boost our egos (even more) but enough is enough.  As a multi-year winner of the BLOGGY for Best General Media Blog, I know how it feels to have your name called.  But we really need to stop it. 

Woody Allen said it best in "Annie Hall":  "What's with all these awards? They're always giving out awards.  Best Fascist Dictator: Adolf Hitler."

And I have certain questions for the people at TV.com (owned by CBS).  Have they only nominated shows from companies that have agreed to license their content to TV.com?  Are any shows nominated that can only be found on competitor site Hulu.com, for instance?  It makes you question the legitimacy of The Best of 2009 TV.com Awards.

However, the lawyers and executives at CBS don't have to worry.  I'm not going to poke around too much, because I really don't care.  I just wanted you all to know that, if I had to, I could blow the lid off this scandal and bring down The Best of 2009 TV.com Awards!

Jill Kennedy - OnMedea

STOP DOING SHIT!  Just stop it.  People have already lost their ability to focus on any one particular thing and you want to "FoxPopize" your movies? 

Let me explain.  20th Century Fox (that name is truly fitting in this case) is debuting a new service called FoxPop on the upcoming Blu-ray and DVD release of "Night At The Museum: Battle of the Smithsonian".  While a viewer is watching this horrible film, FoxPop will send out "a constant barrage of facts, photos, games and trivia questions related to the movie" to the user's Mac, PC or iPhone.

Who gives a fucking shit?! 

Do the execs at Fox Home Entertainment really think the consumer's viewing experience will be enhanced and they will, in turn, embrace and save the dying DVD business by buzzing someone's iPhone when T.rex appears on screen and asking "how many bones does this dino have?"  Most people barely have time to watch one movie a month and you're trying to waste more of their time!

It's obvious Fox has quite a bit of extra money lying around to be able to attempt this lame exercise.  But I beg you... please stop with all the bullshit and put your money where it really needs to go:  Digital downloading technology, consumer education about digital downloading and digital downloading implementation. 

That's the future - not a zapping an iPhone to tell us how many hair follicles Ben Stiller has on his head.

Jill Kennedy - OnMedea