Battleship
With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen
Once again, the youth is easy picking for the child predators.
Our youth be the memories.
The predator?
Hollywood.
Again.
B4 – Hit! But in an inappropriate way on my child thoughts.
J1 – Miss! But not for your lacking at the trying.
J10 – Oh, you sunk my Battleship memories of fun and now is just CGI shit-fest! (I slap my forehead and into the lake backwards off the dock I reel, “You sunk my childhood!”).
My excitement rises like a boil in my armpit.
What’s next? “Bingo – The Movie?”
So, it seems that sailors are the cool.
So cool that they must fight a Transformer-like army from a wet dream on the Michael Bay sheets.
Mom, his sheets need changing.
His camera moves even in the night. It never stops.
Would that he would go blind. Michael Bay.
And he had nothing to do with this – except inspire it – with his camera frantic wet penis dreams.
I hate him.
HATE HIM.
So, like a turd in a punchbowl, “Battleship” floats.
Like the turd, we wish for its existence to end.
Like the turd, its existence is demanded.
It’s in our damn punchbowl.
Fuck.
Plot? Really?
Are you kidding my brain?
Battleships. Other ships. Crazy alien shit.
Kaboom!!!!
Destroyers. Cruise missiles. Actors.
Kablooie!!!. Waves. More actors.
Fizzle.
I need a drink.
Burp.
Good things, though? Hells yeah!.
Rhianna (character irrelevant) in shrink-to-fit with a blow-dryer body suit carrying a gun as big as a redneck making up for his short penis… Hells yeah!
She is #1 in my Masturbation Memory Bank – with a bullet (take a seat Christina Aguilera).
Brooklyn Decker’s cleavage?
If heaven was of boobs, I’m in heaven.
Liam Neeson (character irrelevant, but higher rank – not in my MMB, but in Navy) growls like a bear.
Poor Liam. Wife dead from ski head rock, but will take any movie like a new generation Michael Caine.
I understand. Take the money.
But, son of a bitch buddy, not this!
You sunk my “give a shit!”
Could I write more? If, by the word paid, then yes.
But this is the summer movie shit-storm beginning. I will see the same thing. I will write the same thing. Greed will overtake my mind more than the Rhianna-lust.
Shit movie is shit movie.
This reviewer is drooling on the coming of “Prometheus.”
Wrong? I could be.
But the belief that summer BANG movies can be smarter than me? I hope. I believe.
As for “Battleship?” I am sad with the thought that for some retards, this turd will float.
No. Please.
And “no” again.
Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium
P.S. “American Idol.” Make me proud. White Guy With Guitar #5 FTW!!!!!! And then disappear quickly. That is the pattern.
You sunk my “give a shit!”
Nice. I’ll be skipping this one.
Fucking great review! Today’s summer movies all suck and are only suited for 13 yr old male mentally retarded teenagers (e.g. avengers, transformers, spiderman, ironman, etc.).
Remember back when previous summers brought great movies like The Rock, Crimson Tide, Face Off, The Departed, etc.
Would you rather sit through 2.5 hrs of Girl With The Dragon Tattoo again or watch Battleship? GWTDT was a damn good drama/suspense movie with great actors, but its boring most of the time. I like to mix it up (movies i watch) with a little CG thriller/action now and then. Not every movie gets nominated for an Oscar, give me a break, Kimmo! Look at that picture of Brooklyn Decker. She is so much more hot than Roony Mara.
HA HA GREAT REVEIW! Rihanna is an actress now? LOL!
Just saw “Battleship”. Very surprisingly, this review was pretty accurate. It was shit.
I don’t know if you have kids Kimmo, but if you have young ones like I do, you’d probably know what a BeyBlade is? Well, those spinner thingies that the aliens used were also product placement of BeyBlades because I was forced to go check after the movie and indeed they too are made by Hasbro. Argh. I also gave Battleship a big thumbs down on my blog: http://wp.me/phAoN-BD