Kyle Cooper – Behind the Proscenium

May 18, 2012May 18, 2012

Battleship [REVIEW]

Battleship

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

Once again, the youth is easy picking for the child predators.

Our youth be the memories.

The predator?

Hollywood.

Again.

B4 – Hit! But in an inappropriate way on my child thoughts.

J1 – Miss! But not for your lacking at the trying.

J10 – Oh, you sunk my Battleship memories of fun and now is just CGI shit-fest! (I slap my forehead and into the lake backwards off the dock I reel, “You sunk my childhood!”).

My excitement rises like a boil in my armpit.

What’s next? “Bingo – The Movie?”

So, it seems that sailors are the cool.

So cool that they must fight a Transformer-like army from a wet dream on the Michael Bay sheets.

Mom, his sheets need changing.

His camera moves even in the night. It never stops.

Would that he would go blind. Michael Bay.

And he had nothing to do with this – except inspire it – with his camera frantic wet penis dreams.

I hate him.

HATE HIM.

So, like a turd in a punchbowl, “Battleship” floats.

Like the turd, we wish for its existence to end.

Like the turd, its existence is demanded.

It’s in our damn punchbowl.

Fuck.

Plot? Really?

Are you kidding my brain?

Battleships. Other ships. Crazy alien shit.

Kaboom!!!!

Destroyers. Cruise missiles. Actors.

Kablooie!!!. Waves. More actors.

Fizzle.

I need a drink.

Burp.

Good things, though? Hells yeah!.

Rhianna (character irrelevant) in shrink-to-fit with a blow-dryer body suit carrying a gun as big as a redneck making up for his short penis… Hells yeah!

She is #1 in my Masturbation Memory Bank – with a bullet (take a seat Christina Aguilera).

Brooklyn Decker’s cleavage?

If heaven was of boobs, I’m in heaven.

Liam Neeson (character irrelevant, but higher rank – not in my MMB, but in Navy) growls like a bear.

Poor Liam. Wife dead from ski head rock, but will take any movie like a new generation Michael Caine.

I understand. Take the money.

But, son of a bitch buddy, not this!

You sunk my “give a shit!”

Could I write more? If, by the word paid, then yes.

But this is the summer movie shit-storm beginning. I will see the same thing. I will write the same thing. Greed will overtake my mind more than the Rhianna-lust.

Shit movie is shit movie.

This reviewer is drooling on the coming of “Prometheus.”

Wrong? I could be.

But the belief that summer BANG movies can be smarter than me? I hope. I believe.

As for “Battleship?” I am sad with the thought that for some retards, this turd will float.

No. Please.

And “no” again.

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. “American Idol.” Make me proud. White Guy With Guitar #5 FTW!!!!!! And then disappear quickly. That is the pattern.

December 16, 2011December 16, 2011

Sherlock Holmes: A Game Of Shadows [REVIEW]

Sherlock Holmes: A Game Of Shadows

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

Okay, Hollywood, I give.

It is FUN to see great literary figure turned into 19^th century James Bond.

There must always be explosions.

CGI must be in every movie ever made.

See, Hollywood?

You win.

For the rest of the film career of reviewing I shall just suck on my bong and sit through whatever I’m being paid to sit through.

And LIKE it.

No… LOVE it.

So, for the second time staged a witty director Guy Ritchie crime adventure with invented by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle’s master detective Sherlock Holmes, a classic figure of English literature (that is not in this movie. Same name. Definitely not same guy.).

As in the first film from the year 2009 the script the action transferred to the Victorian era, which also comes from Doyle’s character. The men of the friendship of Robert Downey, Jr. played Holmes and his assistants presented by Dr. John Watson Jude Law delighted with lively war of words.

This time, the detective met his equal intellectually nemesis, Professor James Moriarty (also a name that appears in the Doyle stories, not so much the character), who is about to incite a world war and to seize the most important industries of Europeunder the nail.

The freaking nail!!!

To put the criminal played by Jared Harris, in the shaft, Holmes and Watson travel to Paris, Germany and Switzerland, as if they were secret agents of later generations of film (Bond, Bourne, whoever the closeted Cruise plays in MI: Whatever).

They fight often in the literal sense before picturesque scenery, in a gentleman’s club, a train, in the Paris Opera House, a posh hotel and a Swiss mountain chateau, a munitions factory and on the backs of horses.

Son of a bitch!

Doyle’s master detective was originally in the struggle with Moriarty in Switzerland – fall down the Reichenbach Falls, in death, before he then reanimated again for more adventures.

It takes the action back here and puts on an impressive waterfall, a CGI castle in ludicrous steep hillside (maybe the same town as “Immortals” 2,000 years later). There sits a peace conference, which Moriarty wants to make the starting point of World War II.

Or I – I was pretty high.

While Watson and the belligerent gypsy Sim, played by Naomi Rapace (Dragon Tattoo chick – For The Win!), inside Europe are trying to save to provide themselves Holmes and Moriarty at the balcony of a game of chess on the board and as spirited debate about the case.

Damn straight.

Enough already.

There was a plot, but that is unimportant.

Robert Downey, Jr. has mister fun good times.

The women were hot.

You saw SH#1 and liked it? This is also for your liking.

I suggest using a bong – with and Indica blend because that will make you like an idiot drool.

And being an idiot with drool is the only way to see this.

“Sherlock Holmes: A Game Of Shadows” has made me see the light. The light of my lighter as I take another major hit.

Hollywood is awesome.

Light up and pass the cheetos.

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. Ryan Murphy, thank you for a taste of Lindsay Pearce in “Glee.” I know now that you are listening! Two more Lindsay episodes – then we can be friends!

June 14, 2011June 15, 2011

Spider-Man: Turn Off The Dark Is An Absolute Triumph! [REVIEW]

Spider-man: Turn Off The Dark

Reviewed by Kyrle Lendhoffer

Superlatives. A word that means (to some – to ME) “of the highest order of quality or degree surpassing or superior to all.”

And then there are words to describe the superlatives. Or “Super”-latives, since I’m writing about a super hero masterpiece. There are not enough of them (the superlatives) for me to adequately describe what I just saw.

What did I see, dear reader?

I saw theatrical heaven on earth.

I saw an apparition of God.

I saw Spider-man: Turn Off The Dark!

Oh, where do I begin? Perhaps with the beginning – or the beginning of the construct in my mind – that is now my impression of Spider-Man – for now that it exists in my mind, so it is mine.

So, first, the performers.

Powerful. Delicious. Bouncy.

None died, or appeared to be in danger of dying (some in the audience were disappointed with this – NASCAR barbarians!).

There were no obvious hard feelings amongst the artistic staff – Julie Taymor didn’t pull out an Uzi in the lobby. It was a celebration as well as a show. And after 181 (or 183 if you believe Brian Williams and NBC News) previews, the long celebration was overdue.

Taymor’s original vision was genius (in my humble opinion). The NEW vision (brought to us by new writer, Roberto Aguirre-Sacasa, and creative consultant Philip William McKinley are even more geniuser (I will stick to this word – if you touch it, dear editor, you will die in your sleep).

Arachne almost disappears in the second act – no more bizarre psychobabble now. We are returned to the basic Spider-man story – will Peter get Mary Jane (of course!), will Peter learn to balance his life as mere mortal and super hero (duh!) and will Spider-man be able to turn off the dark (I still haven’t figured that part out).

The performances are, across the board, magnificent. Reeve Carney IS Peter Parker. From supple human to then powerful super-hero, Carney runs the gamut of our collective experience. And how can he not run said gamut when paired with the winsome Jennifer Damiano – beautiful, graceful – a song bird.

Tony Awards loom in future of Carney and Damiano. Bet on it. I will!

Patrick Page is also beyond wonder as Norman Osborne/The Green Goblin. A villain, yes. But a villain who is having the villainous time of his life.

Shall I give Page a Tony, too? Yes, I will.

I would call out every actor in this spectacular achievement but this review would go on too long. Suffice it to say that everyone involved in the magnificent production are soon to be Broadway legends. Just go here (http://www.ibdb.com/production.php?id=488485) and read all of the names. You will be glad you did.

You will also be glad to know the Bono and The Edge (they are named like characters in their own musical!) have written some of the most startlingly superb music to be heard on the Great White Way in many years.

I can’t imagine that any theater patron with a beating heart and working ears could be able to leave Foxwoods Theater without humming the very catchy songs. I say this with great resolve – Bono and Mr. Edge, please give up that silly U2 and take up musical theater full time! You won’t regret it.

In conclusion, do what you must to see Spider-man: Turn Off The Dark.

Sell your blood, or a lung or even your mother. Blood regenerates, you only need one lung and Mom won’t last forever. And neither will Spider-Man.

When it becomes the winner of the most Tony Awards in history, you will be glad you did. I’m betting on it!

What a great start to the new season! And with Rampage Of The Stegosaur set to flatten Broadway (in a good way!) this fall, it will, indeed, be a season to remember!

Kyrle Lendhoffer – Behind The Proscenium