“The Immortals”
With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen
“The Immortals” is crap.
Crap, crap, crap, crap, crap.
That is my review.
But the editor says I must write more words than “crap.”
O.K. – it is also turd sandwich in… 3D!
Story?
We have in a long time ago, the Greek gods defeated the Titans. They locked the creatures in a prison deep in a mountain.
In a later era wants King Hyperion (Mickey Rourke – creepy!) encounter the gods from their thrones – and to release the Titans.
Necessary to the Epirus-bow (huh?) he wants to help with the visions of the Oracle (see Freida Pinto. I saw her. A tent was pitched.).
On his expedition he also lays the village of slave Theseus (Henry Cavill) to rubble, killing his mother. We will find you do NOT kill the slave baby momma.
Obsessed with revenge wants, Theseus’s death to place on Hyperion. Help comes not only from the Oracle and some warriors (including Stephen Dorff – really), but by god Zeus (Luke Evans), who has for years stood by him in the guise of an old man (John Hurt).
Totally makes sense.
Now, however, Zeus has forbidden the other gods on Olympus to interfere in the war of the people. They should do it alone, led by Theseus. This is misleading in intent.
Never effin’ happened!
Why not now make the Nativity movie with the Amish and showgirls and talking goats? I would see that movie.
Instead of Amish, showgirls, and the goats we get “The Immortals”.
There is so much to love about the movie – the costumes by Eiko Ishioka, the excessive violence, the über-hot Freida Pinto.
And that is all. So not so much.
But it all comes together never close to completely correct, it remains as a spectator weird creep whereby lengths and accepts it all with a shrug.
To get to the point: If you liked the slightly less shit-storm (equally stylized) “300”, this was cooked for you.
You are so bold as to be cool. In your tiny mind.
It is self-explanatory, that this world never looks realistic.
It begins with these goddamn cliffs.
Almost every village, every temple seems built on a cliff. This looks even nice, but again and again – is monotone.
There is also the practical question: Is it really safe to go to the temple from the house, on a footpath, which is three feet wide, has no railings and where, at the slightest misstep, hundreds of yards into the ocean you splat?!?
Just think of children playing. Drunks. Old people. Drunk old children. Epileptics.
That question should be immediately banned from the head – there are no epileptics in “The Immortals”. Like so many others movies.
The shit continues – about how useful it is for the army of evil, to bear such huge helmets, they can’t wipe the ass-crack, let alone fight (and wiping is not as hard as fighting – unless there is much cheese ingestion).
Or why the Greeks the Oracle stupidly deflower (although deflowering Freida Pinto is never stupid, as long as we see her naked).
These and many other discrepancies plaguing the film.
They didn’t even release the Kraken (I yell this during bowel movements)!
I could write more of a response, but I’m too with depression.
Would it, in a better universe, then had “The Immortals”, the makings of a truly great film?
Only good (other than previously talked Freida Pinto – Ass of a Goddess! This would be better movie, too) Mickey Rourke enjoys evil-being, even if he was mumbling and muttering and one does hardly understands.
But ultimately crap – this one goes in the mouth, is chewed, relies on the 3D glasses, swallowed, admired the vision of director, digested, you buy ticket, and the film is shat onto the screen.
Did I mention it was crap?
Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium
P.S. Ryan Murphy, I don’t need you! Lindsay Pearce is Snow White in “A Snow White Christmas” at the El Portal in North Hollywood,CA. Kyrle, get me a ticket! I will follow her home (NOT! Being serious! I want no crimes committed.). I will just beg for her love at the stage door. Keep open for updates!
P.P.S. Joe Paterno, if you hear little children are being diddled you go to the police when the diddling is told. Good job, JoePa! Fucking asshole.
Freakin’ great review Kimmo. I may have to see it for Freida’s 3D ass. Thanks for the heads up. My expectations have been lowered.
@Jammin
That’s not Freida – she said they used a body double. Her acting is so poor anyway that maybe they should have cast someone else altogether.
And I was expecting so so much more from Tarsem.
from what I gather reading your review you think it’s crap. Well, that’s good enough for me. I’ll be buying a ticket this afternoon!
Kimmo, tells us how you really feel.
I’ve seen it and I think it’s one of the best movies I’ve seen in five years. I we should encourage filmmakers like Tarsem to make more movies like this. There’s too much crap being made these days. Too many films that end up being disappointing.
This movie is great, go see it!
Actually, that’s all a lie. This movie is total crap as Kimmo says.
But what else should I take my 5 year old to this weekend?
Melancholia?
WOW!!!… forgot all about that with house of flying daggers… this whole movie was a rip off though.. they even did the side view slow motion attack like they did in 300… LAME!!! I think the only cool unique battle was the fight with the gods and the titans, thats about all really.
Variety says it did $13 million in total for Friday – including $1.4 million at midnight screenings – and should do around $30 for the weekend. That’s better than suck ass Ryan Kavanaugh was expecting. I was really hoping this movie would totally bomb and force him to leave town or go to jail.
The only thing stopping one from enjoying such a movie is toxic shock from leaving one’s tampon in too long. If you went into this expecting felini, your a retard. Its been billed as action blood and myth. It delivered on all accounts. Anyone who pays money for 3D movies is a child, its a gimmick, one that you decided to pay for, asshat. Expecting a religious experience from a movie?, get a life. Its a story, just something to pass the time,not foundation for your life.
Yep. Exactly.
I saw it. It was fun, and sometimes even beautiful. Was it crap? No. I wasn’t expecting high art. I was expecting fun. Maybe it’s because I’m not 10 and I can manage my expectations accordingly.
If you walked into this movie thinking it would change your life… may I recommend a bullet instead, because you are too stupid to live.
This movie was fantastic! Visually, it was one of the most striking thing I’ve seen in years. The visuals complement the epic subject matter. The gods look like gods — stunningly beautifal, the drama escalates as an ever-building cresendo, and the action is intense and ultr-violent. Critics like you probably love films like “The King’s Speech,” or some other boring fare. This was stylish and epic.