The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1
With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen
First – the coming of the clean.
Yes. I’m jealous.
Robert Pattinson has the hair of a god.
A messy hipster god, but god hair is god hair.
I want some.
Now for the real meat – once again, a crap-fest!
The film reviewer life can make one wish (and hope) the Mayans are right, the world ends in 2012, and thus my sitting through another Twilight is decreased to zero.
I pray for this to be so.
Bella (Kristen Stewart) has made her choice: She is about to marry Edward (see “hair god” above). But the young man, he will honor his market share? He will accept to transform into a vampire, and see to give up his life?
None of this makes sense.
Like the last novel of the franchise of “Harry Potter”, this is halved for film. Twilight, the final episode, will split into two films. A necessity or a narrative stunt to garner twice the receipts?
Unfortunately, this second option is to be considered opportunistic.
Bad studio, ripping off the Twi-tards.
The conclusion is given the languid pace of the film.
If, initially, it is hasty (precipitated the wedding of Bella and Edward, and their honeymoon), the action then is dangerously fallen to the level zero. After blackness and dark twists the previous section, by far the best of the saga (“wow, that turd looks better than the other turd!”), now is the dominant impression of disappointment from the very beginning.
The narrative seems ever more stretched, not to tell again.
Early in the film, the “hesitation” Bella, already in the middle of the last film, persist.
Again and again.
Then, one more time.
The character played by Kristen Stewart wonders if she should marry, and then come some discussions with her suitor that I’m sure I heard in another episode. Then, once on the island of temptation, where the lovebirds spend their honeymoon (off of Rio, but there are no 3D animated toucans – bummer!), it was now the turn of Edward the vampire of be in dilemma.
Should he or not sleep with his wife at the risk of turning her into a monstrosity of nature bloodthirsty or kill on contact with his neck, his body, all members of a young fresh woman?
And the guy is still more than 100 years, so freshness level, there have been better!
In this chapter of inaction which is meant to be that of excitement, suspense is emerging little by little to explode in the second half of the film (finally, after one suck-tastic hour).
Bella was nubile and fertile, and therefore, following the single exchange of body fluids in the film (the temptation was right to Edward – he totally slammed Bella – awesome!), here it is a big creature unusual offspring of unprecedented , half-human, half vampire.
What to do?
Would it be first ever abortion where vampire baby instead eats the doctor’s face?
That would be cool.
We do not reveal the outcome of this confrontation with the unknown that will lead the “beautiful” Jacob (Taylor Lautner – trade some of that work-out time to get acting lessons, please) to big arms muscled man to betray his wolf pack to help his beloved, the one that has yet to abandon the damn cold meat of Edward Cullen.
No, I will tell you nothing, because if you are still reading this (at least this far), you will see this pile of shit anyway.
The Twi-tards will fork their money to Summit Entertainment and moisten and stick to the theater seats when Edward sparkles.
The world will continue to turn.
Some idiot will comment that Pattinson is a good actor.
Babies will die.
And later I’ll have to review a hunk of shit called “The Twilight Saga – Breaking Dawn, Part 2”.
The suck of all sucks.
Unless the Mayans are right. My fingers are crossed.
Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium
P.S. Ginner Goodwin – I am sorry. “Once Upon A Time” is no longer in my life. Please find a project that is less annoying so that I may lust to you properly.