Bryan Cranston – Behind the Proscenium

May 16, 2014May 23, 2014

Godzilla [REVIEW]

Godzilla

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

Godzilla.

GodZIRRA.

Big em-effin’ lizard.

I am so with the exciting.

As a baby Finn, in Finland, I saw him.

“T.V. Scary So That You Pee Pants and Poop Young Children” horror Night Theater was on the television thing.

Olli and I, eating fish that was dry, sucking a box that was juice (Pirkka Mixed berry juice – send me some if you have love for Kimmo).

Happy, happy – because the great of all great monsters that stomp and kill was to stomp and kill.

And he (GodZIRRA) stomped all of the shit. Even Ironside (Raymond Burr).

Then Tokyo took a lizard foot up the anus.

BOOM!!!

My eyes leak as I remember the best.

But now. Now is the exciting.

GodZIRRA is back.

When one time he was 50 meters tall – he has more calorie dumped in his mouth hole for he is 150 meters tall!

Suck it, Mr. Cloverfield.

I smoke the sweet, sweet smoke. I slurp the Kossu from my Godzilla mug. I refill the mug and the slurping occurs again.

High, drunk, and with expectations on my brain sitting like a midget jockey – with full control.

Then… well, damn.

Gosh darn damn.

The boring starts.

Plot? Too much!

We go to be in 1999. Joe Brody (Bryan Cranston) has a wig. Things are to the crapper from the first.

Death. Sadness.

This takes thirty minutes.

Why? Answers do not come.

Then is the now.

There is boring guy son of Walter White (Aaron Taylor-Johnson). He is the guy who is the life sucker from the film. His wife (Elizabeth Olson), is good.

Other actors, good.

Monsters? Fucking great.

Script? Scripts should be written as if making something exciting is a good thing.

Good monsters, mostly good actors, me snoring in my seat.

Fuck you, script.

Two moth beasts. So big that they could eat all of your clothes.

Instead, they must mate and eat nuclear stuff.

And interesting is the last stuff that happens.

Worst thing on a movie that the makers can do – make the thing so that my brain sleeps before

I know that I am asleep.

Suck. Suck, suck , suck.

Damn you GodZIRRA!

Monsters are A-1, awesome, yelling, scratching, flying, fire-vomiting, and everything.

One thumb jumps to the sky for this.

Then the script. As before I said through my fingers, GodZIRRA! must be the awesome.

No. This is not the awesome.

See on the big screen only for the monsters. Be the drunk and high. Take a trusted friend to wake you from happy nap land only when monsters occur.

Ugh. Summer has arrived.

This is not the total Summer suck. This is just boring.

The Total Summer Suck is coming.

I am afraid.

And the fact that I am more of a sober person than the Kimmo that started this review scares me.

And makes me cry. Like a tiny little suck-tit.

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. The 100 is the greatest show ever on my television watcher. I am not ashamed. Octavia gives me a man-bone. The truth was just typed.

HEAR/SEE KIMMO’S REVIEWS EVERY WEEK RIGHT HERE:

August 3, 2012August 3, 2012

Total Recall [REVIEW]

Total Recall

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

Son of a bitch.

My working life is now my life of my life.

Sometimes the pain is so much, that there is howling where none is wanted.

Was I kicked in the right ball?

Stabbed in the lower right gut, pain flashing like a flashing pain light?

Made like the Lohan, when she moans the “Coke has run out” moan?

No.

Life life = kidney stone.

Pee that looks like oil of the motor, pain that is for the yelling until the sweet, sweet Dilauded in my new vein hole makes me the smiling man.

Pain is for the drug-free. I like drugs.

Work life = “Total Recall.”

Really?

Has the farting monkey classic “Ed” already been re-animated?

Hollywood, if there was a God with a shit to give you would all have the ball pain that made me Mr. Vicodin.

I think watching Colin Ferrell, take on the Arnold head a major crap, would have been O.K. if I was still Mr. Vicodin.

Or Mr. Kossu. Or Mr. Lemon Skunk Sativa.

Just being Mr. Kimmo made me cry.

Plot? There was one, in 1990. And it was good.

Now, white bread crap fest.

“Total Recall” and no Mars. I see.

Now is the time to re-do, yet take out all that made the first to be made.

Smart!

Sony, way to be!

Replace Arnold with boring Colin – check.

Replace Sharon Stone with a boring (but hot) vampire chick – check.

Interesting stuff replaced with same old crap – check.

Three-breasted woman – check.

I have seen the trailer – I have seen the movie.

Sony, my butt is for the kissing… get back there, pucker up, I like tongue!

That is all to say about this nothing pile. No reason to exist, no reason to write about it.

Rent it – smoke the sweet Sativa – eat Cheetos – maybe nap. Check out the Beckin-butt (Kate Beckinsale).

But… that is all.

Please Odin, give me another stone for the passing before my eyeballs must hurt my brain with another crappy re-do. Please.

Now, that is all.

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. You, the children, who want to watch movies for the money all day and night like Kimmo? This is the shit that is your 90%. Study dentistry. Less pain all around.

P.P.S. Olympics. Why do the flippy pre-pubescent girls get the ratings? Why not the beach ladies with the ass crack assaulting shorts? That is entertainment! And Ryan Seacrest must be stopped. Before he multiplies! Hey Sony, there’s an idea that’s not a remake. Assholes.

March 9, 2012March 20, 2012

John Carter [REVIEW]

John Carter

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

This week starts with a happiness explosion from my head mind (but not in the pants, dirty people).

“Kimmo, you are the man with a bag of lucky!” say I, Kimmo, to the self inside.

You see, I am to review my first love.

Not a human person. But a reading experience of youth.

Yes, the books series that made many endless Finnish nights come to an end.

An end that of happiness. That in Finland we call “morning.”

From “A Princess of Mars” through the crappy yet wonderful “John Carter of Mars: Skeleton Men of Jupiter” all asses were kicked.

Green and caucasian. Those from Helium to far off Ptarth

Then my first meat whacking to thoughts of Dejah Thoris (so hot in my mind! Best whack ever!).

How could Mr. Hollywood put the screw in the butt of “John Carter?”

Apparently with the ease of an experienced person who screws the butt of most great books for reading.

Disappointment is a pain that crawls in my stomach like a worm.

Or, here, like green four-armed Tars Tarkas (read the damn books!).

Crappy 3-D? Check!

CGI that is less than real than fake! Check!

$250 million spent on the crapping? Check!

Plot? Too much.

John Carter to Barsoom is somehow to there from here (Barsoom is Mars to Martians and others that have been to visit… Mars).

John falls in with Tharns who are green, four-armed, and totally whack.

I didn’t know that the William Dafoe had four arms – he is a good actor.

Carter (the hero) is played as a piece of white bread (Taylor Kitsch) with muscles.

And the whack queen of my first teens, Dejah Thoris, is the un-whack worth Lynn Collins.

Hollywood, you had almost 100 years to make a piece that is of a master and this is the warm pile that comes out?

What happened Mr. Director (Andrew Stanton)? With “Wall-E” I cried at mechanical homeless person who was lost among obese Americans lost in space.

Now even green, multi-limbed, bad-ass Tharns are like mouth pudding flavor free.

The loss of the hours wasn’t so much a hurt – watching my childhood friends of imagining being ass-raped (see “The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo”) was a pain that I will remember as long as I can – you see, even with the smoking of many loads of the wonderful Super O.G. Kush I could not find the liking… only the hating.

And the stomach-crawling disappoint.

So I have no more to say.

One thumb droops in mourning – the death of my childhood fantasies and hopes are now the truth of the screen.

The other thumb is to be right in the Mr. Disney butt – so now Mr. Disney, you know how “John Carter” feels.

I am sad.

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. “American Idol” – cannot next year (if there is one to be) have just one woman (who doesn’t make the eyes pain) over the age of 18? The “Season of Fugly” will no longer be watched. I watch “The Voice” now, waiting for Christina Aguilara’s imminent boob explosion. I quiver with the waiting.

September 8, 2011September 8, 2011

Contagion [REVIEW]

Manka Bros., Khan Manka, Behind The Proscenium, Kimmo Mustonenen, Kimmo On Kino, Kyrle Lendhoffer, Contagion, Warner Bros., Steven Soderbergh, Scott Z. Burns, Gwyneth Paltrow, Tien You Chui, Josie Ho, Daria Strokous, Matt Damon, Monique Gabriela Cumen, Griffin Kane, Yoshiaki Kobayashi, Laurence Fishburne, John Hawkes, Jude Law, Teri McEvoy, Sue Redman, Teri Campbell, Stef Tovar, Mary Jo Faraci, Grace Rex, Marion Cotillard, Armin Rohde, Joseph Anthony Foronda, Phillip James Brannon, Rebecca Spence, David Lively, Andrew White, Kate Winslet, Larry Clarke, Anna Jacoby-Heron, Ira Blumen, Scott Strangland, Jimmy Chung, Rick Uecker, Tara Mallen, Jennifer Ehle, Demetri Martin, Elliott Gould, Enrico Colantoni, Bryan Cranston, John Hines, Joshua Weinstein, Sarah Charipar, Mark Czoske, Dan Aho, Chin Han, Hee-Wan Kwon, Phil Tang, Robert Chi, Blair Robertson, Randy Lowell, Pete Sack, Brian J. O'Donnell, Kwok-Wah Wong, Sau-Ming Tsang, Jim Ortlieb, Annabel Armour, Sanaa Lathan, Kara Zediker, Josh Pollack, Laura Fisher, Pete Kelly, Mary Beth Dolan, Jason Babinsky, Howie Johnson, Sanjay Gupta, Thomas Gebbia, Dan Flannery, Dan Sanders-Joyce, Joshua Seiden, Kam Tong Wong, Zakaria Alaoui, Chen On Chu, Contagion, Gregory Jacobs, Michael Polaire, Michael Shamberg, Stacey Sher, Cliff Martinez, Stephen Mirrione, Carmen Cuba, Howard Cummings, Abdellah Baadil, Cindy Carr, Louise Frogley, Julie Anderson, B. Ted Deiker, David Kirchner, Mark Scoon, Afnahn Khan, Brendon Breese, Yann Mari Faget, Eric Richard Lasko, Lemon Liu, Jody Spilkoman, Susan Alegria, Paul Allen, Colin Bach, Paul Crawford, Tim Halpin, David Mong, Corey Bayes, Saad Aledigue, Robert Beck, Genona Blue, Jonelle Castillo, Drew Durepos, Brad Garoon, Joseph Malloch, Elaine Mongeon, Juliet Lopez, Matt Ott, Andrew Parsons, Jackie Swanson, Chelsea Wehner

“Contagion” – Catch It!

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

Boy, the future becomes to suck more and more.

Even sucking in the now time happens in “Contagion”. It is not a cinema suck – but a suck as to the matters at hand.

Or within the lungs.

Or bowel.

Or your brain!!!

The movie though? Pretty dang good.

I have “Contagion” fever! A-choo!!!

To what Steven Soderbergh, the old shit-kicker, wants to educate us, would be worth a closer look: “Contagion” stands out first of all with several top stars: Kate Winslet (Yes!), Marion Cotillard (Oui!), Gwyneth Paltrow (Meh.), Matt Damon, Jude Law and Laurence Fishburne.

This amount does Soderbergh, but also because “Contagion” is an apocalyptic thriller epidemics that so many must appear.

Body count = Box office. Fact.

It is a bird-flu-like epidemic that kills the people like flies. Or birds, since they named this flu.

Although the film shows nothing that can not already in other doomsday movies seen like “28 Days Later”, and “Outbreak” had, nevertheless impressed the perfect craftsmanship of the director.

He weaves a tapestry of images, a network of relationships knits from infection, health police and media reports covering the whole world – a symphony of the disease.

I would pay money to hear a disease symphony. They are rare.

Globalization and cinema par excellence, in the rapidly between Tokyo and New York and everywhere, and the way the disease is marked visually – simple peanuts, a innocent computer, a hand on a pole in the bus (a bus pole you dirty people – stop thinking like I think!).

The whole thing is very elegant and beautiful to see – maybe there is already a problem with a disease movie.

Above all, one must ask, what should it end? Other than for we must, at some point, get to go home from the cinema.

The first victim of the disease is Gwyneth Paltrow – no wonder!

She is a vegan and watches her few minutes of film correspondingly weakened and drained of blood from the laundry.

A very convenient place for a drainage (you can clean your bloody clothes while doing the dying).

The best scene of the movie then the one in which Paltrow lies dead on the autopsy table (type casting! I kid you Goop Queen).

Since her with a beautiful sawing noise of the skull is sawed and pulled the scalp (hers) to the front – suddenly her blond hair hanging under her chin.

Like poor Mr. Cobain after being the killed – shotgun to face style – by the shrewish Ms. Love (unproven, but I know. Yes… I know.).

As I watch her in the brain, of which obviously is not much left – I think “does vegan diet shrinks the brain – or the flu?” And it is then also equal the best dialogue of the film: “Oh my god! What’s that?” – “Should I call anyone?” – “Call everyone!”

Without concern for cellular calling plan. That is a bad-ass flu that puts the forget on that.

A new word we learned in the movie is called “disease clusters”.

Apparently, researchers analyze striking epidemics in clusters in clusters. Or a cluster-cluster.

The more clusters, the worse the hit when there is a fan shitting.

The most annoying moments are those in which Soderbergh with the disease still puritanical moralizing – disease trigger is a combination of cheating (pathogen sex!), gambling and the consumption of pork (Carnitas are too good to cause disease. Fact. Other pork products – watch out!).

And at the very end of Asia are still very poor hygiene and blame for everything!

What?

Well, if you have scapegoats. And who doesn’t like a goat?

So… no “Omega Man”, no “Andromeda Strain”. Yet I give two thumbs, fighting with sickness, flopping, sweat-covered, ever upward – in the liking!

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. The Glee Project – Glee collision is fast approaching! Lindsay, you have not reached to me, yet I was your champion. I can still forgive. You can still call. I’m listed!

P.P.S. (or P.S.S. – English is hard) “Hunger Games” new trailer! Jennifer Lawrence, if you call first – Glee is dead to me.

June 28, 2011

Larry Crowne [REVIEW]

Larry Crowne

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

Larry Crowne (everyman’s everyman Tom Hanks) is an extremely diligent and good employee in a supermarket. He also completes the unpleasant tasks with full dedication and spread good mood around.

When he is ordered by his superiors in the break room, he thinks, therefore, that he’s already determined ninth award as “Employee of the Month” (not like the one that had Dane Cook or Jessica Simpson thank God) will receive.

Instead, he gets the notice. THAT notice.

The absurd reason: Larry has no college education and can not therefore be promoted.

Only in America, what?

The search for a new job quickly proves to be hopeless. It also looks at certain areas that show extremely naive Larry can be.

So he follows the advice of his neighbor Lamar (Cedric the Entertainer) and enrolled at East Valley Community College to a class in rhetoric and to demonstrate in economic science (sweet!).

The first lesson in financial matters Larry receives before the first day of school at a gas station: while his huge vehicle thirsty swallows the expensive gasoline, next door is a gaggle of scooters with a few gallons only to drink. So now goes Larry around on a two-wheeled vehicle.

Instruction, concerning his manner of speaking, he then receives from professor teacher Mercedes Tainot (Julia Roberts). The lecturer is not particularly motivated, because their students give her as little attention as her husband Dean (Bryan Cranston), who proves to be lazy lecher – and a lazy lecher is no lecher at all.

Right?

The issue of unemployment? “Larry Crowne”, after a while, only mentioned in passing. Such as when Larry (played as Hank’s wife at the bank employee Rita Wilson) deposited the termination of his mortgage, which will lead to eviction.

Otherwise, the story focuses mainly on the transformation of the main character of a staid boring schmuck into an attractive educated manly one.

It is pretty much the complete opposite of the exciting lecturers from “Dead Poets Society”. Instead, we recognize a lively classmate (Gugu Mbatha-Raw) who finds in Larry the dormant potential and asks him to put his polo shirt into his pants no longer.

The formation of Larry Crowne is also apparently quite superficial.

While Larry discovers a new life, of course, the professor reawakens gradually on her strengths. Predictable ripples so the action from one scene to the next and most amazed by the innocence of the story (I really was).

But this weakness is somehow also a strength of the film.

It’s almost refreshing, as Hanks and co-writer Nia Vardalos almost completely abandon innuendo and profanity.

As a result, the humor is moving at a level worthy of a sitcom, but carefree conversation ranges from them, too, even if the message of the film ultimately turns out to be as honest as the main character.

Larry is at the end that is visible in a lecture – that life is the best school. But not high school. That sucked.

One and a half thumbs wagging in the air. See it, but not twice.

Kimmo Mustonenen (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. Have you watched The Voice? Christina Aguilera has giant boobs! With this information before – I would have sooner than later watched. Tune in!