Ciaran Hinds – Behind the Proscenium

November 18, 2017November 19, 2017

Justice League [REVIEW]

Justice League

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

There are things for the talking.

All involve dick wagging, dick tugging, boob grabbing, pussy wrangling, and tongue rehearsals.

Ick.

Hollywood, what up?

D.C., what up?

Alabama – you am just being Alabama I guess – if creepy old guy for Senate was dry humping his sister. That is totally of the Alabama.

There are too many to name.

And it is the suck of all sucks.

I now have the sads.

Until… JUSTICE LEAGUE!!!

First was the smoke.

The sweet, sweet smoke.

My brain said, “if that Superman-ending damn poop monster comes back (from B vs. S – Justice At Dawn), I’ll have a poop monster of my own making in my Loom Fruits!”

So I calmed my mind with numbness. And three shots of Kossu.

At 110 minutes I didn’t fear the urinal siren call. So down goes shot #4. Now I was ready.

First, Batman (Ben Affleck – uninvited butt grabber) is still Will Arnett (best Batman) and angsty. Wonder Woman (Gal Gadot) walks in leather pants until the shit (being Steppenwolf – 60s band but now bad guy from shit video game [Ciarán Hinds]) hits the fan as if monkey flung from monkey butt at school field trip while zoo-ing). He wants boxes to make his Mother.

It made sense.

This must be believed.

I mean, he came from space!

The flying monkeys (Oz style) come flying around, but there are no flying houses… wait, yes, there are!

So Batman wants to put a band together.

He finds Aquadude (Khal Drogo) and a self-described Jew who is also The Flash (Ezra Miller).

Then there is (I think) a Transformer called Cyborg (Ray Fisher). He plugs in to more shit than R2-D2.

Yes, that is possible.

There is wit, flung like the fan hitting poop (thanks, Joss Whedon).

This is a “not so dark” DC movie.

And it was awesome-sauce!

Why is this a saying?

And, also, “amaze-balls.”

Why?

Both words are banned from my world.

You are welcome!

What I mean, when said correctly, is two thumbs –

SPOILER ALERT!

“Up, up, and away!”

END SPOILER ALERT!

33% from Rotten Tomatoes is shit flying – water cannon style – from an enraged bull. I will see it again. My love for Gal Gadot is now equal to the love I had for Ginnifer Goodwin in the ancient past and the love I had for Gemma Arterton combined in to a love pile. My only chance for love fulfilling is to see her in IMAX.

Again.

And again Damn.

It is wonderful.

Kimmo Mustonenen – Behind The Proscenium – Manka Bros. Studios

P.S. Louis CK, you are a sick fuck. The internet was created for the porn! Use it!

P.P.S. Al, you were good enough, smart enough, and you still were pooch screwing. Idiot.

P.P.P.S. Who will be next? I will start a “Career Now Dead Pool Because of Sick Predatory Behavior”! Give me the answers that are yours of who is next in the comments!

March 9, 2012March 20, 2012

John Carter [REVIEW]

John Carter

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

This week starts with a happiness explosion from my head mind (but not in the pants, dirty people).

“Kimmo, you are the man with a bag of lucky!” say I, Kimmo, to the self inside.

You see, I am to review my first love.

Not a human person. But a reading experience of youth.

Yes, the books series that made many endless Finnish nights come to an end.

An end that of happiness. That in Finland we call “morning.”

From “A Princess of Mars” through the crappy yet wonderful “John Carter of Mars: Skeleton Men of Jupiter” all asses were kicked.

Green and caucasian. Those from Helium to far off Ptarth

Then my first meat whacking to thoughts of Dejah Thoris (so hot in my mind! Best whack ever!).

How could Mr. Hollywood put the screw in the butt of “John Carter?”

Apparently with the ease of an experienced person who screws the butt of most great books for reading.

Disappointment is a pain that crawls in my stomach like a worm.

Or, here, like green four-armed Tars Tarkas (read the damn books!).

Crappy 3-D? Check!

CGI that is less than real than fake! Check!

$250 million spent on the crapping? Check!

Plot? Too much.

John Carter to Barsoom is somehow to there from here (Barsoom is Mars to Martians and others that have been to visit… Mars).

John falls in with Tharns who are green, four-armed, and totally whack.

I didn’t know that the William Dafoe had four arms – he is a good actor.

Carter (the hero) is played as a piece of white bread (Taylor Kitsch) with muscles.

And the whack queen of my first teens, Dejah Thoris, is the un-whack worth Lynn Collins.

Hollywood, you had almost 100 years to make a piece that is of a master and this is the warm pile that comes out?

What happened Mr. Director (Andrew Stanton)? With “Wall-E” I cried at mechanical homeless person who was lost among obese Americans lost in space.

Now even green, multi-limbed, bad-ass Tharns are like mouth pudding flavor free.

The loss of the hours wasn’t so much a hurt – watching my childhood friends of imagining being ass-raped (see “The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo”) was a pain that I will remember as long as I can – you see, even with the smoking of many loads of the wonderful Super O.G. Kush I could not find the liking… only the hating.

And the stomach-crawling disappoint.

So I have no more to say.

One thumb droops in mourning – the death of my childhood fantasies and hopes are now the truth of the screen.

The other thumb is to be right in the Mr. Disney butt – so now Mr. Disney, you know how “John Carter” feels.

I am sad.

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. “American Idol” – cannot next year (if there is one to be) have just one woman (who doesn’t make the eyes pain) over the age of 18? The “Season of Fugly” will no longer be watched. I watch “The Voice” now, waiting for Christina Aguilara’s imminent boob explosion. I quiver with the waiting.

February 17, 2012

Ghost Rider: Spirit Of Vengeance [REVIEW]

Manka Bros., Khan Manka, Kimmo Mustonenen, Behind The Proscenium, Kyrle Lendhoffer, Kimmo On Kino, Jill Kennedy, OnMedea, Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance, Mark Neveldine, Brian Taylor, Scott M. Gimple, Seth Hoffman, David S. Goyer, Nicolas Cage, Violante Placido, Ciaran Hinds, Idris Elba, Johnny Whitworth, Fergus Riordan, Spencer Wilding, Sorin Tofan, Jacek Koman, Anthony Head, Christian Iacob, Christopher Lambert, Jai Stefan, Vincent Regan, Ionut Cristian Lefter, Will Ashcroft, Sabina Branduse, Tobias Ojerfalk, Adina Galupa, Alin Panc, Ashok Amritraj, Ari Arad, Avi Arad, Stefan Brunner, Michael De Luca, Gary Foster, Manu Gargi, Mark Steven Johnson, Steven Paul, E. Bennett Walsh, David Sardy, Brandon Trost, Brian Berdan, Colin Jones, Gail Stevens, Kevin Phipps, Adrian Curelea, Serban Porupca, Justin Warburton-Brown, Dominic Capon, Bojana Nikitovic, Lisa Buscher, Daniela Busoiu, Adelina Popa, Adrian Conerth, Bogdan Moncea, Simona Dinu, Sean Guest, Mircea Hategan, james Andrew Haven, Deb Adair, Jamy Kim, Peter Jurca, Drew King, Jarrett Lee, Steve Mele, Pat Sarrel, Lee Adamson, Rick English, Daniel Visan, Nick Baxter, Clint Bennett, Kier Lehman, Patrick Aiello, Vasile Anghel, Razvan Badea, Andra Barbuica, Susan Bliss, Alexandru Bogdan, Madalina Bugeanu, Ana Ramona Damiean, Alina David, Ecaterina Dinu, Mike Doughtery, Monica Duta, Marius Florescu, Miruna Gheorghiu, Melis Gobekcioglu, Toygar Ilik, Kahraman Kavas, Fiona Landreth, Melanie Lawrence, Scott Levine, Peter Moses, Neda Pavlovic, Paul Pawlowski, Irina Raducanu, Irina Scurt, Daniela Soare, Eve Swannell, Sarah Zyke, Monica Urziceanu

Ghost Rider: Spirit Of Vengeance

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

Many apologies for the writing lack for two weeks.

Fluffy the Wonder Ferret, greatest animal in history, crossed the Rainbow Bridgeand now feasts on ferret food with Jesus – and other ferrets who also have caught the death.

I took time away from the critic things.

I cried, baby style. Then I cried again.

Why?

Because on the returning to work I found I get to review “Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance.”

Who is the Ghost Rider?

Did you see even the first one?

He is Marvel’s darkest hero. A hell of a biker (joke!), a sort of hybrid man-demon who fights with the forces of Lucifer as the good guy. This is with a burning skull head and no face – which is cool after many sweet, sweet bong loads.

Without the bonging, not so much.

Remember?

Or, like me, did you erase your mind of the first one? I’ll refresh you.

Once Johnny Blaze sold his soul to the devil, and won only sufferer until he managed to outwit Satan similarly and to keep the forces of the Riders for themselves to use them for good.

This confuses.

Remember?

Ends approximately in the way “Ghost Rider” to unleash the first attempt in the year 2007, the demonic biker on the big screen. Managed to cartoonish staging it but not really convincing.

Too much slapstick, romance and – if one disregards the Lucifer-esque performance by Peter Fonda – an opponent who seemed so threatening, like a teen boy-band member

Whether it should then be a sequel, especially under the contribute by Nicolas Cage, was long doubtful until the end – but were still 75 million reasons to shoot a sequel, and let heat with Cage-head inflamed again over the marble pavement (on a motorcycle. No shit!).

Plot? Here we go!

This time is somewhere in Eastern Europe, a sect of devil worshipers after a boy (Fergus Riordan) go, which brings extraordinary occult powers in itself.

To defend this guy, a secret society of warrior monks (bad-assery!) swore. The Satanists, led by its top guru (Ciaran Hinds) have taken hold of the boy. Now, only the Ghost Rider can help.

Johnny Blaze (I was blazed, let me tell you) lives in seclusion, however, and would again be a demon in any way. Moreau (Idris Elba), one of the warrior monks, succeeds him then but still convincing – after all, it’s again about beating the devil’s trick – and off you go.

Wheee!

Even if one wants to be on the first part, it had at least still something of a plot and a few original ideas.

Peter Fonda was also off a fabulously smug Lucifer, the lovely Eva Mendes (schwing!) is already a well-bred eye-catching and Sam Elliott’s (“the Dude abides”!) performances were always kind of cult.

All this gave the previous charm, something that “Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance” completely lacks.

The figures, like Idris Elba, Ciaran Hinds and even Christopher Lambert in a brief guest appearance, get far too little opportunity which would be able to see to it. Right? Right.

So, this Ghost Rider gets one limp thumb – limp as Fluffy the Wonder Ferret before the rigor mortis gave him a stiff.

At least it wasn’t in 3-D (the movie – ferrets are always in 3-D). I’m off to smoke for Fluffy and for more the crying…

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. “American Idol” needs more hot chicks – and less passing out during “Hollywood Week.” Or more passing out. I’m undecided. But definitely more hot chicks.

July 13, 2011July 13, 2011

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2 [REVIEW]

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

With “Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2”, Harry Potter moves into the final battle.

Really the very last.

Sad people everywhere.

For Harry Potter fans, the “Harry Potter” movies are as a kind of Horcruxes – those in which the arch-enemy Voldemort small pieces swapped of his soul and has spread to delay his death (if you say “what?” read the dang books already).

In particular, since the last book appeared in 2007, the disciples of each film have a small piece of the Potter fortune invested, and a director would have to make very many mistakes to screw up the brains of the masses into a revolt which would turn into a hatred of young Harry and his movie. It is a bulletproof film yet still delivers like a train to the heart.

Especially Hermione. Cannot forget her (yowza!).

David Yates, who is responsible for all films since the fifth volume, has done nothing wrong! And that is so right!

The second part of “Deathly Hallows” is a seamless continuation of the first one with Harry, Ron (Rupert Grint), and Hermione (Emma Watson) – with the house-elf Dobby the helpful on the beach – and seems at this beach now, very briefly, the sun (this is complicated business).

Then it is dark again, and Harry is alone again. Naturally.

Again, what could be said from the first part of “Deathly Hallows”: Yates has not illustrated the book, but a mood – a mood of farewell and goodbye.

This is not the romantic, but barren volcanic landscapes, almost surreal in its vastness and desolation, as though Harry Potter’s soul Salvador Dalí carted out and cast in stone.

One would hardly have thought it possible, but “Deathly Hallows 2” is even darker – a more solitary Harry.

The first part staged the “us-versus-the-rest-of-world” friendly celebration of Harry, Ron and Hermione; the second now the “I-need-act-alone” by Potter.

And alone acting is cool.

Daniel Radcliffe plays his last days surrounded by magnificent scenery as a harried warrior who out of sheer guilt (there had been enough to die for Harry Potter – but who wouldn’t?) accept more aid and the fight against the Dark Lord finally wants to put behind him.

Since there is no heroic martyr, Harry, as a reluctant hero rushes into battle, as if he were going through the stations of a sadistic treasure hunt, to destroy Voldemort along with his Horcruxes and find the three “Deathly Hallows”.

These tasks must be ticked off as soon as possible so that Potter, finally (whew!), has his rest.

And if it is the eternal – no matter.

Which does not mean there is no action spectacle awaiting viewers: Some people speculated on the quiet first part that the director had abolished all the effects for the final.

Wrong, buster!

Yates is interested in still more for characters than for dramatic showdowns. The villains implode rather incidentally – the grandeur of Hogwarts castle turns into a refugee camp.

Crazy.

What an ending!

SPOILER ALERT!

The much-criticized epilogue to make us go “19 years later” wasn’t as much suck as you would thought at first glance (again, you perplexed? Read the dang book!).

Daniel Radcliffe and one that was made earlier with the help of ‘digital 19 years later’ and now looks like Marty McFly, but not so much older than 17.

No, we do not want to keep Harry Potter in memory. No, we want a Harry Potter heart.

At least there will be no more “is your Potter Hairy?” jokes. And God is thanked for that!

Two vigorously wagging thumbs.

This the end that really ends things. Take that “Lost”.

Kimmo Mustonenen (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium