Daniel Craig – Behind the Proscenium

February 16, 2013February 16, 2013

The Year In Films Of The Year 2012

Manka Bros., Khan Manka, Behind The Proscenium, Kimmo Mustonenen, Kimmo On Kino, Django Unchained, Quentin Tarantino, Jamie Foxx, Samuel L, Jackson, Leonardo DiCaprio, Harvey Weinstein, Lincoln, Daniel Day Lewis, Steven Spielberg, Kathleen Kennedy, Frank Marshall, Sally Field, Tony Kushner, Bruce McGill, James Spader, Tommy Lee Jones, House of Animals, Yao Ming, FDR American Badass, Bruce McGill, Barry Bostwick, Garrett Brawith, Ross Patterson, William Mapother, Kevin Sorbo, Ray Wise, Silver Linings Playbook, Jennifer Lawrence, Bradley Cooper, David O. Russel, Robert DeNiro, Jacki Weaver, Chris Tucker, Matthew Quick, Skyfall, James Bond, Daniel Craig, Sam Mendes, Barbara Broccoli, Javier Bardem, Judi Dench, Albert Finney, David Pope, Wreck-It Ralph, Walt Disney, John C Reilly, Sarah Silverman, Jack McBrayer, Jane Lynch, Best of 2012 Movies

The Year In Films Of The Year – 2012

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

Busy?

Damn, yes.

Why is life, so with amaze, such, at times, a bitchy bitch?

More tragedies making small of my family even smaller in Finland.

American girlfriend who I find with beauty then find with STD after she is of the unfaithful type (I hate you, Sakko, for your disease and your butt face – forever).

My time in hospital for “stress therapy reduction” yet there is no Kossu or the sweet, sweet smoke.

This was the most stressful.

And more important in my thoughts, my missing of you cool readers who I have missed with an ache in my heart muscle.

Really.

So now, the films that in 2012 gave a big stiffy to myself.

Django Unchained

Django (unchained) goes on a personal war with a dentist friend (and former Nazi) to find Black Broomhilde (the comic book witch) who is being held by Gilbert Grape’s retardo brother.

And Samuel L. Jackson (“I have had it with these motherfucking slaves on this motherfucking plantation!”) is much awesome, too.

Django’s ass is so bad that Lincoln is forced to free the slaves.

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Lincoln

America’s tallest American (until Yao Ming) has become President because he is tall.

But he is tired and weary from fighting The Confederation.

Lincoln (read my review HERE) has learned (from Django) that all are equal – but Django is more equal than others.

So politics happen.

Tommy Lee Jones has crazy hair and then does not hair at all.

James Spader is fat.

And then there is, from House of Animals, Bruce McGill.

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FDR: American Badass!

With Bruce McGill! Most times, history gives me the sleepy bores. Not 2012 (see above so far).

Best of all film history is this film.

History comes alive – with a machine gun wheelchair and Werewolf Hitler (Jesse Merlin). In Finland the “Nazi = Werewolf” knowledge was always a fact.

To see it on screen as truth?

I had a case of leaky eye. Battles, Italians, naked women, brilliant quotes (“Shut the fuck up, Einstein!”) this film had it all.

Suck the bong – see this film. In that order.

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Silver Linings Playbook

Jennifer Lawrence has the most awesome boobies in the world.

She wears tight dance clothes.

She has too much talk at award shows.

What more can I say?

Oh, and Bradley Cooper does not play a dick.

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Skyfall

Boom!

Kablooey!

Gay Javier Bardem!

Daniel Craig shot (that’s what you get for stealing Rachel Weisz from me, asshole)!

Death!

Hot Bond chick!

And Oscar winner Dame Judi Dench. She does not get the excited exclamation. Because she (SPOILER ALERT) dies.

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Wreck-It Ralph

Film of the year!!!

No shit.

Ziggy and I went to the screening fully loaded on the smoke.

Fully.

Loaded.

Then came popcorn, washed down with Kossu.

Then came the movie.

Son of a bitch.

I was in the 80s and a video game ALL AT THE SAME TIME!

My life was a treat – I never wanted for me to leave this heaven.

And Sarah Silverman was there but little-girl style – creepy.

Pac Man. Dig Dug. Forbert.

I was completed. I could no more have the wanting of anything.

Then the thing damn ended.

I wept.

Ziggy wept.

We smoked more of the smoke, shot more of Kossu, and into the next screening we were snuck.

And again.

Then one more time.

FILM OF THE YEAR!

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I have only been scratching my surface. There are more. I will add as real reviews pop back to the internet space and to my friends – you – weekly.

I am running out of family in Finland for so to die, so this promise I may keep. The weekly writing. But you knew that.

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. I cannot find Jalapeno Cheddar Cheetos anywhere. WTF?!? Together, for Cheeto freedom, we must together band, like a twin, or a litter of puppies (really vicious puppies)! Make the tastiest of the tasty be available everywhere! Are you with me?

December 20, 2011

The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo [REVIEW]

The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

Sweden.

Bastards.

While us, the Finns, fought Soviet Russia the Swedes ate butter, fish, and those damn crap meatballs.

In same war (World War II, retards) we fight and fight.

Sweden?

Neutral (sissy Nazi lovers – take that, Swedes!).

Finns are awesomeness.

Swedes?

They had not one ball between them.

Then I see those Swede bastards again.

Swedish Bikini Team (hot). SAAB (cool). Malin Akerman (schwing!). Swedes aren’t so bad as people as my mind said.

They also gave us “The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo.” And it was greater than good.

For a film

Then, excited tail wagging puppy-like excitement sprouts from David Fincher. “Give me this movie!” he may have said out loud. And since excitement of so throbbing Swedish version is from Stone Age 2009 – of course Hollywood said “fuck yeah! 2009 is so 2009!”

Now we have “The Same Girl With A Dragon Tattoo Who Now Speaks English.” With accent that has previously been unheard by humans.

Plot? Sure!

Mikael Blomkvist (Daniel Craig) is a business investigative journalist who is determined to restore his honor.

Once he has been convicted of libel, joins the rich industrial Henrik Vanger (Christopher Plummer) in order to use his services as a journalist and a detective in the claim.

Henrik’s niece Harriet was murdered in 1966 as a 16 year old girl, what could have been but never proven (since Sherlock Holmes services are being used in shit cinema elsewhere).

Since then, the only message is that Henrik’s once a year receives a dried flower of the alleged murderer (in a frame, as in “framed”… a clue?).

Center of this conspiracy is Henrik’s extended family, from the loud disputes among themselves hardly changed a word. Like Thanksgiving at Kyrle’s place.

Americans are gluttons.

And very opinionated.

And cannot hold their liquor.

At least Swedes can hold their liquor.

And I can hold Malin Akerman (please Malin, we could make all of Scandinavia come together… get it?)

Around the same time is Lisbeth Salander (Rooney Mara) – an unusual but equally brilliant detective and hacker security company Milton Security – tasked in Blomkvist life to sniff around (“sniff around!” House of Pain, people!), which ultimately leads but to the fact that they Blomkvist with the murder of Harriet Vanger help you.

They entered a 40-year-old chess game of intrigue, murder and incest. I said it. Intrigue.

What is good?

Rooney Mara, that is what is good. Man, she pierced every possible skin flap that was available. And then more flaps, which is professional.

More?

Christopher Plummer. I almost had the belief that he was old. Good acting!

Danny Craig (my buddy). He has been doing sit-ups.

Soundtrack – Trent Reznor made my booty shake. “Hammer of the Gods” is right! And then…

SPOILER ALERT!!!

And then it happened. I was made to cry.

I can, with squirming, handle anal rape.

Bloody nine iron to face is nothing (even with broken teeth clattering on the tile).

Torture-murder-dismembering of young women is easy.

But do not fuck with the cat.

NEVER fuck with the cat.

My eyes leaked. I sniffled. I took another bong hit and one more shot of Kossu. My eyes leaked some more.

Finally, I became less a Swede and more a man (kidding, Malin – Swedes are now cool to me).

SPOILER ALERT OVER!

For a summation, three thumbs up! One thumb just for Rooney Mara. One thumb for David Fincher. And another thumb for the year 2009 version from the Swedes – at least if shit is for the messing they don’t make it a greater (or lesser) mess, right?

And one head lowered, mourning for little furry cats everywhere.

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. How could Ozzy not win “Survivor”? Odin, have you forsaken us all?

July 28, 2011July 28, 2011

Cowboys & Aliens [REVIEW]

Cowboys & Aliens

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

Cowboys & Aliens. Who didn’t play this game in the backyard, when you were children?

I was always a cowboy for I had a hat. It (the scenario) was better on my neighbor Kurri’s backyard; than it was on the big-ass screen.

Story? Well, here goes something…

If a stranger wakes up in the middle in New Mexico in 1873, he does not have memory of his past.

So says this film.

The only reference point which he has is, clamped to his wrist, an outlandish metal bracelet.

The foreigner walks into the city of Absolution and confuses and angers of the local cattle baron – his son. And he has run afoul and a brigand (yes, at the same time).

But when he finds out why he can’t think (not booze – though that has made me not think – like last Wednesday… but that is for another article – boy, I was drunk) – I just got lost in my own sentence.

And from here, Cowboys & Aliens enters into same old, same old cycle, which has the again formed group to run into sporadic detours on their journey – only to be alien attacked again and again.

I miss Indians.

The attacks are shot acceptable. Director Jon Favreau is not stranger to the shooting activity, but there’s no tension, no edge of their seat excitement, which should come at all directions and from each possible position of constraint.

And then we find the heroes can die.

No one never did die in the Kurri’s backyard (not for lack of trying).

Cowboys & Aliens is played fast and loose. The film wastes no time with receiving firmly into and soon it is alien time.

This sets the movie away from other, shy, films. Like Super 8. Show the monster already!

Daniel Craig forms persuasive ass-kicker, for very much a cowboy. That is, if you’ve never seen a movie about cowboys – with or without aliens.

I won’t spoil the alien look. They’re gnarly and ugly – like Kathy Griffin (ha! A joke!).

But even awkward exhibition and lengthy letters can work on their way into an exciting adventure film. Unfortunately, no person it seems in Cowboys & Aliens seems to have fun.

Harrison Ford grumbles with constipation, which does in each film for the last several years (two words – stool softener. Changed my life).

There are moments here and, where he and Craig talk to each other with their eyeballs. Those moments are cool.

Sam Rockwell seems the only member which thoroughly amuses himself. At my screening, the chant “More Sam, more Sam” made the rafters dance (disco!).

And this disappointment continues and on into approximately each aspect of Cowboys & Aliens (that is fun to type).

A western film, tries to have John Ford landscapes, can not strike the necessary boundry-lessness of the west – and the alien motivation for the Earth grabbing? Stupid, stupid, stupid (my editor stops me at three stupids).

Summary: Cowboy & Aliens was better in the Kurri’s backyard of my childhood than in the multiplex which now probably fills the backyard of your youth.

Oh, and Olivia Wilde is fetching (new word)!

Kimmo Mustonenen (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium