The Year In Films Of The Year – 2012
With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen
Why is life, so with amaze, such, at times, a bitchy bitch?
More tragedies making small of my family even smaller in Finland.
American girlfriend who I find with beauty then find with STD after she is of the unfaithful type (I hate you, Sakko, for your disease and your butt face – forever).
My time in hospital for “stress therapy reduction” yet there is no Kossu or the sweet, sweet smoke.
This was the most stressful.
And more important in my thoughts, my missing of you cool readers who I have missed with an ache in my heart muscle.
So now, the films that in 2012 gave a big stiffy to myself.
Django (unchained) goes on a personal war with a dentist friend (and former Nazi) to find Black Broomhilde (the comic book witch) who is being held by Gilbert Grape’s retardo brother.
And Samuel L. Jackson (“I have had it with these motherfucking slaves on this motherfucking plantation!”) is much awesome, too.
Django’s ass is so bad that Lincoln is forced to free the slaves.
America’s tallest American (until Yao Ming) has become President because he is tall.
But he is tired and weary from fighting The Confederation.
Lincoln (read my review HERE) has learned (from Django) that all are equal – but Django is more equal than others.
So politics happen.
Tommy Lee Jones has crazy hair and then does not hair at all.
James Spader is fat.
And then there is, from House of Animals, Bruce McGill.
With Bruce McGill! Most times, history gives me the sleepy bores. Not 2012 (see above so far).
Best of all film history is this film.
History comes alive – with a machine gun wheelchair and Werewolf Hitler (Jesse Merlin). In Finland the “Nazi = Werewolf” knowledge was always a fact.
To see it on screen as truth?
I had a case of leaky eye. Battles, Italians, naked women, brilliant quotes (“Shut the fuck up, Einstein!”) this film had it all.
Suck the bong – see this film. In that order.
Jennifer Lawrence has the most awesome boobies in the world.
She wears tight dance clothes.
She has too much talk at award shows.
What more can I say?
Oh, and Bradley Cooper does not play a dick.
Gay Javier Bardem!
Daniel Craig shot (that’s what you get for stealing Rachel Weisz from me, asshole)!
Hot Bond chick!
And Oscar winner Dame Judi Dench. She does not get the excited exclamation. Because she (SPOILER ALERT) dies.
Film of the year!!!
Ziggy and I went to the screening fully loaded on the smoke.
Then came popcorn, washed down with Kossu.
Then came the movie.
Son of a bitch.
I was in the 80s and a video game ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
My life was a treat – I never wanted for me to leave this heaven.
And Sarah Silverman was there but little-girl style – creepy.
Pac Man. Dig Dug. Forbert.
I was completed. I could no more have the wanting of anything.
Then the thing damn ended.
We smoked more of the smoke, shot more of Kossu, and into the next screening we were snuck.
Then one more time.
FILM OF THE YEAR!
I have only been scratching my surface. There are more. I will add as real reviews pop back to the internet space and to my friends – you – weekly.
I am running out of family in Finland for so to die, so this promise I may keep. The weekly writing. But you knew that.
Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium
P.S. I cannot find Jalapeno Cheddar Cheetos anywhere. WTF?!? Together, for Cheeto freedom, we must together band, like a twin, or a litter of puppies (really vicious puppies)! Make the tastiest of the tasty be available everywhere! Are you with me?