Deborah Harpur – Behind the Proscenium

[Editor’s Note: Mr. Mustonenen has taken an unorthodox approach to this week’s review of “Lee Daniels’ The Butler.” We at Behind The Proscenium support his decision completely. If you have any talent and/or interest in film review and criticism, please e-mail us at intern@mankabros.com or let us know why you would be great for the job in the comments below Thank you for your continued support!]

Lee Daniels’ The Butler

With Wit, NOT Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

This is not reviewing a movie.

I did not see the movie and feel that to review what did not walk on my eyes would be like a lie, but with less evil.

More of leading you into a non-existence that would be now existing, but impossible.

Like Silver Lake, but with less neck-beard, skinny jean, fake eyeglass wearing hipster douching bags.

Or just as many. I don’t know. I didn’t see it.

Crazy.

So. I sit in my car, maximum bonging taking up my last minutes before to work I must go.

My lung sacks burned by the sweet, sweet smoke. My mind now has the “artist time” thoughts.

Also the “I’m for the chewing of popcorn” thoughts and “time for a shot of Kossu” thoughts and “that American girl has twin pendulous personalities” thoughts (nerds, I am referring to epic boob-dom – touch one/both sometime, it is awesome).

My ass crack is ready for theater seating.

Then my eyeballs are swung to the marquee. My mind now has not thoughts.

My mind is “WTF?”

Because my mind sees (with the eyeball help) “Lee Daniels’ The Butler.”

I am confusion.

I am to see “The Butler.” Who in Justin Bieber hell is Lee Daniels? And how does his name grow in front of a movie?

Tyler Perry may do this. He is the Queen of Drag and may command it.

I have no remembering of any other asshole with a name before a movie.

Oh. Cheech and Chong. But they share a genius brain and I think I am related.

Mr. Daniels man has an ego inflated like my stomach balloon after six Taco Bell Nacho Cheese Loco Tacos. Only with the taco orgy, I can later lift a butt cheek and deflate myself hideously.

Nothing could deflate Mr. Daniels. Proof?

His last asshole movie name was “Precious (Based on the Novel ‘Push’ by Sapphire).”

WTF? This man is an asshole. Or as we cry in Finland, “sir, you are an asshole.”

Lee Daniels, sir, you are an asshole.

By the time these thoughts choke for air in my car and mind, thinking and thinking (and hating), I am seeing that movie time for watching is in the past 30 minutes. Do I stay? Do I go?

Then I think, “if this dick-face made “Shark Night in 3D 2” I would not let my eyes watch.”

I speak the truth. What an ass-hat.

So, now, I must talk on the good. And the good was even gooder. Not cinema. No.

“Breaking Bad, Season 5B, Episode One.”

I will never be Mr. Meth-Head tweeker, spitting teeth into the breakfast and hair balls like the cat. Bad news. But why couldn’t Walter White (Bryan Cranston) had the botany hard on?

Good thing that is a no – because his ganj would be in my bowl, and I would be forever in the parking lot, pupils pointed at the marquee, thinking “Who the hell does this jerking off Lee Daniels think he is?”

There would still be much waiting for an answer… but MUCH less of the caring.

For concluding: Lee Daniels, my whirling butt-cherry is for the kissing. Now.

Next week – “The World’s End.” Nerds, start your engine motors!

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

World War Z

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

This week has made me hard.

It is hard when tragedy is the brain state to be in.

And I was.

I thought it was his death.

On the internet, my eyeholes made my brain see the truth – Gandalf was dead. “Noooooo!” my mind thoughts shrieked with silence.

“There are two more Hobbits with movies!” they again cried.

“He ass kicked Balrog – there is no “in this world” death for Gandalf!”

My squirting tears made for the red faced embarrassing at stupid Starbucks.

It turns out my mind thoughts were out of my mouth shouted.

Really loud.

The barista to me says “Gandalf is fictional – It is James Gandolfini who am dead.”

Well, that is suck.

“The Soprano Family” was all-time favorite of all Finns.

No reunion show now.

Not even in Italian heaven, for Tony bathed in an evil bath.

You are remembered with smiling, James Gandolfini – except for “The Last Castle.”

That move was a floating turd in your acting punchbowl.

Now for the reviewing.

“World War Z.”

I had a great learning from this movie-film:

Never read a book.

Especially if there is a film in the future which will give the believing that the movie is based on the book with the same name.

How many times am I to be the stupid guy?

“Starship Troopers” – sooo excited!

Movie – title, bugs, and space. Nothing else in common with cool book.

“The Postman” – thought in head book in shit future, well done!

Movie – title, postal uniform and horses. And Kevin Goddamn Costner. Barf.

Now “World War Z” – epic oral history of near end of mankind – super cool!

Movie – title, zombies, war. And Brad Goddamn Pitt. Double barf. With chunks.

Plot? Kind of.

All of it starts with a typical day in Philadelphia with zombies playing a big game of “Zombie Bite Tag.”

Rules are to run very fast, then bite the person running to the away place and then he/she is “it.” You (the zombie biter) are still “it”, too.

“Zombie Bite Tag” goes on until even people in Israel are “it.”

Gerry Lane (Brad Goddamn Pitt) with his wife Karin (Mireille Enos of “Wow! All Those Killings!”) don’t like “Zombie Bite Tag” and try to make it become to stop.

And make Kimmo try to care about if they are to be totally dead or just as dead as their acting. I (after sweet, sweet smoke and half a liter of Kossu) played “Zombie Bite Tag” with ice cream bon-bons, but not being a zombie from this dumb film, I swallowed.

Delicious!

Thoughts from “World War Z.”

In WWZ world, all zombies are from Usain Bolt. Thems suckers am fast!

Here’s how Zombie Olympics Sprint Finals are the results:

Bronze – tie! “The Walking Dead” zombies and “Night of the Living Dead” zombies! Damn shufflers.

Silver – tie! “28 Days Later” zombies (I know, Rage Virus… shut up, nerds!) and “Resident Evil” zombies (don’t start with me, nerds!). Fast, but enough fast?

Hells no!

Gold – “World War Z” zombies! By a long shot. Men rubbing against boys. No contest.

And in packs. Like high school girls. But less dangerous.

So, what was for learning with this movie-film?

Damon Lindelof is a hacker writer hack. Last 30 minutes remaking happened and he was the “writer.”

30 minutes of “I really need another hit of smoke/Kossu if interesting is to be me to this film.”

Don’t believe the hacking?

See “Lost” Season 6. Hack, hack, hack. And hack again.

Also, (SPOILER ALERT – STOP READING NOW, NERDS!) when Arabs and Israeli’s sing together, zombies must make it stop. Singing is anger to the undead.

They climb and run and bite and climb. (NO MORE SPOLERS – I DON’T THINK SO AND HOPE NOT)

Finally? Never read a book. The movie will only disappoint you like the internet death of Gandalf.

Even if it was always the other guy anyway. Gandolfini. Finland will miss you.

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. Summer T.V.! Live action “Simpson’s Movie” called “Under the Dome” is to be the bomb! The good bomb, as the saying comes from the kids. What would you do Under the Dome? When the weed ran out? Other than the crying…

Tag: Deborah Harpur

Lee Daniels’ The Butler

World War Z [REVIEW]