Deobia Oparei – Behind the Proscenium

Independence Day: Resurgence

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

“Kimmo, you were gone again. W in TF, crazy Finn?” You asked this of me.

My fingers now answer.

I could not write from the jail house.

We were too busy a singin’ that rock.

Baby!

Let’s rock!

I lie.

There is no mouth music out of my face in the big house.

Or even the little house… L.A. County.

That is where my time was because I had a case of the stalking. Not my fault – she was the one that made me the one that was doing the doing.

So pretty.

So smart.

Mine.

Maika Monroe – I will stay 300 foot from you, with the order that is restraining my love.

You say that the “It” in “It Follows” was named Kimmo.

If so, I am charged guilty – guilty of Goddess worshipping.

But then… then… your ding damn movie!

W in TF?

Oh Odin!

I tried for the drunkening.

I smoked the sweet, sweet smoke.

I, with accidental dumb, froze my nut bag with ice cream Bon-Bons (again! I hope my swimmers are still active).

But I must have to say – my IQ was shed of a good 50 points much like dog hairs falling in the heat wave.

IQ all over the sofa.

IQ all over my jacket.

IQ stuck in my butt crack.

“Independence Day: Resurgence” is so dumb, that dumb is smart to it.

How dumb?

OK!

Dumb plot?

Sure!

Will Smith has asked for so much cheddar that he is now just a portrait.

His son (Jessie T. Usher) is a mannequin that is also a pilot.

Judd Hirsh is still Jewing – his boat is floated by continent-sized alien frisbee into Nevada. Believing is total, really – only 90% of audience went “bulls are shitting here” when seeing this.

David Levinson (Jeff Goldblum) is still on meth twitchy – but his ex-wife from 20 years ago is a goner. Or she is now French (Charlotte Gainsbourg). There is no explanation.

The there is Mr. Sass (Liam Hemsworth) who is also hot shot top gun pilot guy. He can fly anything (as well as not kill puppies when listening to Miley Cyrus talk – maybe the deafness has saved his brain).

Data (Brent Spiner) who died in ID4 has beaten dead, but unlike Christ took longer than 3 days to be the groundhog. He is funny, and with it has many more smarts than the movie film.

President Whitmore (Bill Pullman) has a cane, so we know he is the crazy. His daughter (Maika, I forgive you, and will for every time you have me arrested – so stop with that doing of arresting, OK?) is hot and is good at piloting, too. And she and Liam are in the Mile High Club.

Hopefully. If I was Liam.

Pac-Man comes to the moon, but we are all “suck it, Pac-Man” and shoot him in the face. But… he has come to say that… they are coming… Space Invaders!!!

Ugh.

Same shi-ite, different movie.

More coincidences that can possibly be coincidental.

Everybody ends up somewhere where the rest of everybody is. Then the other bodies end up where they are at.

Then some are in the giant alien frisbee bigger than Antarctica.

Then they are not.

There are speeches.

There are ethnic people on the radios listening to the speeches and maybe the World Cup (all of us ethnics listen to futball on the radio – so you can recognize us as not you).

Explosions.

Pac-Man is really Pac-Girl.

Whaaaaaaat?!?

Damn.

I wonder who wins.

So.

Two thumbs, like the ice-box carrots that became mine three weeks ago and are limper now than little Kimmo in the jail shower (fear makes soft – fact), pointing dirt-ward.

I will have this movie on my eyes maybe once more – this fall – while drunk and high and trying to sleep and ID:R slithers up on the HBO.

I will blow kisses to Maika, squirt water from my eyes in love-pain, and like a tiny little girl cry myself to my sleeping place.

But for you? Go see “Swiss Army Man” – Harry Potter farting > Jeff Goldblum twitching. Fact.

Kimmo Mustonenen – Kimmo On Kino – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. What in the F, Great Britain? Now you are like Norway, but without pickled herring. And Norway without pickled herring is just Great Britain. Put that in your pipe and chew on it.

P.P.S. Maika, I forgive you… and will wait for you until Gemma Arterton’s next film. Then Gemma is mine. You have been warned! But I still forgive you.

Pirates Of The Caribbean: On Stranger Tides

With wit, reviewed by Kimmo Mustonenen

In his latest adventure, goes fourth from Captain Jack Sparrow (Johnny Depp) on the search for the fabled fountain of youth. But not only he, the Spaniards have learned of the promising young well and has sent three ships.

The English crown is again the idea of an immortal Catholic monarchs not enthusiastic and asked why Jack’s eternal rival Hector Barbossa (Geoffrey Rush) with the search.

Officially, he is now sailing as a privateer flying the flag of the British Royal Navy. And then there is an impostor, who claims to be Jack Sparrow, and also hiring a team in London for an expedition

The race to eternal life, the counterparties to exotic locations and great in the middle into an adventure. Mermaids (!), which prove to be far more dangerous than one would expect generally, voodoo, zombie sailors and the legendary pirate Blackbeard (Ian McShane) meet Jack on his way.

Is the most dangerous to him but once a woman, Angelica (Penelope Cruz) he shares a common past – what plans the master of fraud and conspiracy has for the future, Jack is initially remains a mystery.

Bruckheimer, Depp, the Fourth: The producer and his favorite actors put in the new Pirates of the Caribbean back to the wheel and spin the finest yarns.

Like the first three parts, which together have recorded over 2.7 billion U.S. dollars, has Strange Tides beautiful to look, exciting entertainment for a mass audience, and still is Johnny Depp, the role of Jack Sparrow as the Body written.

Pirate Captain includes this time the best moments of the film – it is again a pleasure to see how the actor and his dreadlock mane and felt rum flag staggering and mumbling from one adventure to the next stumble, even the most absurd situations Stoic masters, always charming, always bold and always attentive to his own advantage. Oh, Johnny!

Even at first glance offers Alien Tide with its opulent furnishings. The move by Penny Rose-designed costumes and sets of the Oscar-winning production designer John Myhre viewers immediately back to the 18th Century but no further. The latter has surpassed him in the first quarter of the film itself, because it plays in London.

Place on a remote Caribbean island or in a dilapidated pirate Jack Sparrow may now say in the metropolis at the heart of the British Empire mean mayhem – of which he makes frequent use.

What?

Before that is not even an involuntary audience with His Majesty King George immune. This was before by stutter stricken he was.

Also on Myhre’s account go to extraordinary pirate ships, which of course in the new Pirates of the Caribbean may not be missing. The “Black Pearl” this time puts although a pause, but as Jack’s one true love or the submersible “Flying Dutchman” from Pirates of the Caribbean 2, the filmmakers leave in “Strange Tides” another ship from the deck that has no equal looking for: Blackbeard’s “Queen Anne’s Revenge”.

Macabre decorated with the bones of his victims, the bow is a creepy figurehead, the character played by Ian McShane, dark pirate control them with a wave of his sword.

Also directed by Rob Marshall, who has replaced three parts Gore Verbinski, it remains a hallmark of the Pirates of the Caribbean series that they spiced the classic genre of the pirate movie with all sorts of fantasy elements.

Fantastic is the journey that the excellent ensemble of actors is taking to Johnny Depp, Ian McShane, Penelope Cruz and Geoffrey Rush to rousing music by Hans Zimmer, to the end.

It is developing an exciting, but also little surprising story – perhaps the only criticism which one can make the film. Remained to be hoped that the creators go out in the next few parts will never come out of ideas.

Better than the first part was not a Pirates of the Caribbean everything – even Alien Tide is “only” a very good pirate movie with Johnny Depp again superb in the lead role.

Hollywood News! Jennifer Lawrence as Katniss in The Games of Hunger? No way Hozay! You know who I rather… and her initials G. Goodwin! Make it so, Nikki Finke!!!

Kimmo Mustonenen – Behind The Proscenium
Follow @KimmoMustonenen

Tag: Deobia Oparei

Independence Day: Resurgence [REVIEW]

Pirates Of The Caribbean: On Stranger Tides [REVIEW]