Disney – Behind the Proscenium

March 9, 2012March 20, 2012

John Carter [REVIEW]

John Carter

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

This week starts with a happiness explosion from my head mind (but not in the pants, dirty people).

“Kimmo, you are the man with a bag of lucky!” say I, Kimmo, to the self inside.

You see, I am to review my first love.

Not a human person. But a reading experience of youth.

Yes, the books series that made many endless Finnish nights come to an end.

An end that of happiness. That in Finland we call “morning.”

From “A Princess of Mars” through the crappy yet wonderful “John Carter of Mars: Skeleton Men of Jupiter” all asses were kicked.

Green and caucasian. Those from Helium to far off Ptarth

Then my first meat whacking to thoughts of Dejah Thoris (so hot in my mind! Best whack ever!).

How could Mr. Hollywood put the screw in the butt of “John Carter?”

Apparently with the ease of an experienced person who screws the butt of most great books for reading.

Disappointment is a pain that crawls in my stomach like a worm.

Or, here, like green four-armed Tars Tarkas (read the damn books!).

Crappy 3-D? Check!

CGI that is less than real than fake! Check!

$250 million spent on the crapping? Check!

Plot? Too much.

John Carter to Barsoom is somehow to there from here (Barsoom is Mars to Martians and others that have been to visit… Mars).

John falls in with Tharns who are green, four-armed, and totally whack.

I didn’t know that the William Dafoe had four arms – he is a good actor.

Carter (the hero) is played as a piece of white bread (Taylor Kitsch) with muscles.

And the whack queen of my first teens, Dejah Thoris, is the un-whack worth Lynn Collins.

Hollywood, you had almost 100 years to make a piece that is of a master and this is the warm pile that comes out?

What happened Mr. Director (Andrew Stanton)? With “Wall-E” I cried at mechanical homeless person who was lost among obese Americans lost in space.

Now even green, multi-limbed, bad-ass Tharns are like mouth pudding flavor free.

The loss of the hours wasn’t so much a hurt – watching my childhood friends of imagining being ass-raped (see “The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo”) was a pain that I will remember as long as I can – you see, even with the smoking of many loads of the wonderful Super O.G. Kush I could not find the liking… only the hating.

And the stomach-crawling disappoint.

So I have no more to say.

One thumb droops in mourning – the death of my childhood fantasies and hopes are now the truth of the screen.

The other thumb is to be right in the Mr. Disney butt – so now Mr. Disney, you know how “John Carter” feels.

I am sad.

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. “American Idol” – cannot next year (if there is one to be) have just one woman (who doesn’t make the eyes pain) over the age of 18? The “Season of Fugly” will no longer be watched. I watch “The Voice” now, waiting for Christina Aguilara’s imminent boob explosion. I quiver with the waiting.

June 23, 2011June 23, 2011

Cars 2 [REVIEW]

Cars 2

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

Wow! Maybe over thinking was the downfall. Or over loving of money by Pixar.

Whatever.

No longer “wonder kid” crazy movie makers supreme. Now, just another assaulting to my eyeballs.

All for my dollars. Bastards! In sucky 3-D.

Written by Ben Queen from a previously devised by John Lasseter, Brad Lewis and Dan Fogelman, the script for Cars 2 hit by investing in a different story from that seen in the original instead of making the same mistake most of the proceedings and try to repeat the previous formula – and it is a pity, then, that the plot is chosen by the team as bad and equally formulaic.

What?

Adopting the genre “espionage” as the basis of the narrative, the film features Lightning McQueen (Owen Wilson) and his best friend Mate (Larry the Cable Guy) on a trip around the world while the race car part in a series of disputes promoted to prove efficiency of an alternative fuel, clean and renewable – or “green” to you and me.

However, Mate turns out to be mistaken for an American spy and goes on to spearhead several adventures along the agent McMíssel Finn (Michael Caine – not acting, but Reacting!) and his assistant Holley Box (yowza!) Brita (Emily Mortimer) as they try to discover the identity of the villain who seeks to sabotage the race discredit the new fuel.

The desperation of Cars 2 to establish some kind of solidity in its plot, in fact, reaches its peak at the instant kill, for no apparent reason, a loose unbelievable device, only to conclude that there can “do it” by not feel secure in himself, forcing his old friend to encourage him (I don’t even know what I wrote right now, but you will) – and this kind of unfortunate crud is spread throughout the work, starting on the scene, at the beginning of the film, in which Lightning mourns the death of Doc Hudson in a monologue accompanied by an artificial track just to forget about the very second he leaves the museum dedicated to old mentor (apparently, Pixar decided to delete the character after the death of his voice actor, Paul Newman, although the van originally voiced by George Carlin has not deserved the same consideration – words you can’t say on T.V. being said to Pixar right now).

This is now my longest sentence.

If nothing else, the film still takes care of sending anything positive for their young audience, planting the idea that “junk” (the “old”, “different”, “rejected”) see the world with envy, resentment and bad intentions (whatever!).

And what about their supposed ecological message, which at first seems to advocate the importance of a clean fuel and sustainable only to conclude with the mantra so unbelievable. So unbelievable that I shan’t mention it.

Ha!

A mantra that replaced the word “gasoline” for “Pixar” unfortunately no longer applies.

There, I said it.

Kimmo Mustonenen for Kimmo On Kino – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. The Glee Project brings me tears of joy. I have much hope for those poor, weirdo reject kids. And they’re not in their 20’s! Or auto-tuned! Yet.

May 20, 2011May 31, 2011

Pirates Of The Caribbean: On Stranger Tides [REVIEW]

Pirates Of The Caribbean: On Stranger Tides

With wit, reviewed by Kimmo Mustonenen

In his latest adventure, goes fourth from Captain Jack Sparrow (Johnny Depp) on the search for the fabled fountain of youth. But not only he, the Spaniards have learned of the promising young well and has sent three ships.

The English crown is again the idea of an immortal Catholic monarchs not enthusiastic and asked why Jack’s eternal rival Hector Barbossa (Geoffrey Rush) with the search.

Officially, he is now sailing as a privateer flying the flag of the British Royal Navy. And then there is an impostor, who claims to be Jack Sparrow, and also hiring a team in London for an expedition

The race to eternal life, the counterparties to exotic locations and great in the middle into an adventure. Mermaids (!), which prove to be far more dangerous than one would expect generally, voodoo, zombie sailors and the legendary pirate Blackbeard (Ian McShane) meet Jack on his way.

Is the most dangerous to him but once a woman, Angelica (Penelope Cruz) he shares a common past – what plans the master of fraud and conspiracy has for the future, Jack is initially remains a mystery.

Bruckheimer, Depp, the Fourth: The producer and his favorite actors put in the new Pirates of the Caribbean back to the wheel and spin the finest yarns.

Like the first three parts, which together have recorded over 2.7 billion U.S. dollars, has Strange Tides beautiful to look, exciting entertainment for a mass audience, and still is Johnny Depp, the role of Jack Sparrow as the Body written.

Pirate Captain includes this time the best moments of the film – it is again a pleasure to see how the actor and his dreadlock mane and felt rum flag staggering and mumbling from one adventure to the next stumble, even the most absurd situations Stoic masters, always charming, always bold and always attentive to his own advantage. Oh, Johnny!

Even at first glance offers Alien Tide with its opulent furnishings. The move by Penny Rose-designed costumes and sets of the Oscar-winning production designer John Myhre viewers immediately back to the 18th Century but no further. The latter has surpassed him in the first quarter of the film itself, because it plays in London.

Place on a remote Caribbean island or in a dilapidated pirate Jack Sparrow may now say in the metropolis at the heart of the British Empire mean mayhem – of which he makes frequent use.

What?

Before that is not even an involuntary audience with His Majesty King George immune. This was before by stutter stricken he was.

Also on Myhre’s account go to extraordinary pirate ships, which of course in the new Pirates of the Caribbean may not be missing. The “Black Pearl” this time puts although a pause, but as Jack’s one true love or the submersible “Flying Dutchman” from Pirates of the Caribbean 2, the filmmakers leave in “Strange Tides” another ship from the deck that has no equal looking for: Blackbeard’s “Queen Anne’s Revenge”.

Macabre decorated with the bones of his victims, the bow is a creepy figurehead, the character played by Ian McShane, dark pirate control them with a wave of his sword.

Also directed by Rob Marshall, who has replaced three parts Gore Verbinski, it remains a hallmark of the Pirates of the Caribbean series that they spiced the classic genre of the pirate movie with all sorts of fantasy elements.

Fantastic is the journey that the excellent ensemble of actors is taking to Johnny Depp, Ian McShane, Penelope Cruz and Geoffrey Rush to rousing music by Hans Zimmer, to the end.

It is developing an exciting, but also little surprising story – perhaps the only criticism which one can make the film. Remained to be hoped that the creators go out in the next few parts will never come out of ideas.

Better than the first part was not a Pirates of the Caribbean everything – even Alien Tide is “only” a very good pirate movie with Johnny Depp again superb in the lead role.

Hollywood News! Jennifer Lawrence as Katniss in The Games of Hunger? No way Hozay! You know who I rather… and her initials G. Goodwin! Make it so, Nikki Finke!!!

Kimmo Mustonenen – Behind The Proscenium
Follow @KimmoMustonenen