Jason Blum – Behind the Proscenium

July 18, 2014July 22, 2014

The Purge: Anarchy [REVIEW]

The Purge: Anarchy

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

There was the time.

Russians.

Staring at border places.

“We are cool, with big meat,” was the Russian brain.

Then to war they went.

“Fuck you, Stalin Bitches” said Finland.

We were the winners.

1940? Finland awesomeness.

Russians? They thought “Was that our Purge?”

We Finns – we said just suck, Soviet pussies.

We made you dead.

We purge you! Assholes…

That was the first real Purge.

Now? Cinema says, even better than the first purge.

In first, there is wuss (Ethan Hawke) with sucky family (if in real my child life let in bad, the child would be dead in 5 minutes. Harsh, but fair – I would kill him myself).

Things were strange. And then now is now.

Time for new thoughts – as much as the kossu makes my brain great, as much as the sweet, sweet smoke make life, life-like. I have never talked to you Yanks of the Gin Long Drink. The best of Finland. Most times I am for the Drunkening. But when not, the Long Drink is for me.

And you.

Oh, the movie.

I was ready to quiver with hate. Then, son of a bitch, the cinema movie is good.

With politics.

Nice family (Carmen Ejogo and hot daughter Zoe Soul) don’t want for Purging.

Super cool guy (Frank Grillo) wants for saving everyone.

Maybe.

Shit, I want nothing to give away.

But, then comes thought things that makes this a movie of good:

Fuck the 1%.

The ones who want to purge are the rich. Because the rich, they want to purge the poor.

Purge = kill.

Shock of all shock – we will trickle down death!

Thanks, Alzheimer’s Ronnie!

Greatest President ever!

If by great I mean “rich get richer” and “fuck everyone else” you psychopath.

Who voted for this crazy fuck? You?

The rest of the world shakes its head stem.

But movie? Shocked is my head.

First, there was interest to be had. Then, we see what we thought from Movie 1.

Then… I want to give no more away (like a Republicans to the middle class!).

At least we finally have a Rand Paul world: Libertarian anarchy!

Don’t like somebody? Shoot him.

Don’t like a thought process? Shoot those who are thinking!

And never, ever, compromise. And Alito will make it law.

Go SCOTUS, go SCOTUS, GO!!!

Compromise, and the hope of governing, makes you a goddamn socialist.

Trying to get along? A goddamn socialist.

Trying to do the right thing? Well, you know… Effin socialist.

So, as a movie? Damn! My eyeballs were all “damn, what a great movie!” The later, my brain was like “damn, what a great movie!”

As good as the Ape Movie? Maybe.

A good movie? Yes.

So see this thing. Go in thinking that it is not the shit, but really shit.

This I did, and it is better than shit. Shit surprise is the best!

——–

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. I am right. Make on the comments. I am still right. Assholes.

Watch Kimmo’s review right here:

June 7, 2013

The Purge [REVIEW]

The Purge

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

I lost at betting.

Son of a bitch.

“The Purge” was in my thinking mind in the past a game on video.

I ran in the night, a gun as my hand-end, blood lust making me lust –yes, LUST, to kill Ethan Hawke.

I had only one night, and my violence, like Taco Bell, would give me “The Purge,” but with less mess.

No. I was thinking Unreal Tournament 2004 (never gets the olds!).

In my “sweet, sweet smoke life” (high, who haven’t read past Kimmo) I enter the arena and all I am to kill is Ethan Hawke.

Everyone or thing that runs in my perfect mind is Ethan Hawke.

“Head Shot!”

Ethan.

“Multi-Kill!”

A shit-ton of Ethans.

“Rampage!”

The entire Republic of Ethan Hawke… Dead.

But “The Purge” is a movie, but not even real. The greatest disappointment.

Review? If I must.

Plot? Sure. In ten years, America is back in the 1750s. Morality is cool because everyone has the job to just live.

Remember “Rollerball”? The good one? 1975?

“In the not too distant future, wars will no longer exist – but there will be… ROLLERBALL!”

Cue Bach.

In the not too distant future, crime will no longer exist – but there will be… a low budget movie trying to make my mind believe that those on the crack will not rob suburban people except on gang-banger Christmas – or “The Purge.”

Ethan Hawke is a rich guy. He is married to Cersei Lannister (Lena Headey). The Purge is a yearly festival where there is corn dogs and candy – plus the unlimited killing and illegal parking.

Ethan’s children let a man with no home (sad) into the house during the fun. Pants-around-the-knees-people and others who should be schooling want the homeless man to end up “Head Shot!”

I start to run with my RPG and look for Ethan Hawke!

Dammit!

Movie, not game.

Only Kossu can sooth my mind now. What in Hell’s name is happening to the thoughts that normally roost with ease on the stick that is my mind perch?

Game. Movie. Game. Movie.

Nothing and everything is so real that my reality wants nothing more than Cheetos. And a large coke. The smoke is talking.

Thank you, sweet smoke!

Okay. Two thumbs right on up there. Any thought from my brain stem that remembers me on the “Rollerball” (the good one) gets everything up in my book. Yes, everything – remember Ella?

No? And your mouth tells me you are a movie fan… Disappoint. See “Rollerball.”

Now, as my bet was for losing, I must watch “Moulin Rouge” again. Sober.

Ethan Hawke – please kill me with your RPG. Fair is fair.

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. Heidi Klum on “America’s Got Talent”? How about Heidi Klum on Kimmo Mustonenen? Please Odin! I would take that over Tuukka Rask (Finnish brother!) winning the Stanley Cup. I am ashamed of this –yet I stand with it.

Heidi, my Kossu, my smoke, and little Kimmo wait for you…

April 19, 2013

The Lords Of Salem [REVIEW]

Manka Bros., Khan Manka, Behind The Proscenium, Kimmo Mustonenen, Kimmo on Kino, Kyrle Lendhoffer, Roger Ebert, The Lords of Salem, Rob Zombie, Sheri Moon Zombie, Bruce Davidson, Jeff Daniel Phillips, Judy Geeson, Meg Foster, Patrica Quinn, Ken Foree, Dee Wallace, Maria Conchita Alonso, Richard Fancy, Andrew Prine, Michael Berryman, Sid Haig, Bonita Friedericy, Nancy Linehan Charles, Flo Lawrence, Brynn Horrocks, Suzanne Voss, Susan Gray, Torsten Voges, Niko Posey, Julian Acosta, Lisa Marie, Brandon Cruz, Gabriel Pimentel, John 5, Piggy D, Roger W. Morrissey, Barbara Crampton, Michael Shamus Wiles, Dustin Quick, James Messersmith, Troy, Ernest Thomas, Carlos del Valle, Clint Howard, Camille Keaton, Udo Kier, Richard Lynch, Daniel Roebuck, Christopher Knight, Christine Ames, Diana Hart, Silvia Moore, Maria Olsen, Judy Thompson, Jobeth Wagner, Jason Blum, Michael Brigante, Jeanette Brill, Bailey Conway, Andy Gould, Jessica L Hall, Brian Kavanaugh-Jones, Oren Peli, Jeremy Platt, Steven Schneider, Griffin Boice, Brandon Trost, Glenn Garland, Monika Mikkelsen, Jennifer Spence, Lori Mazuer, Leah Butler, Megan Brown, Michelle Chung, Richard Evans, Wayne Toth, Laura Altmann, Phillip Dawe, Rick Osako, Kenneth Donaldson, Danny Giles, James MOran, Marc Newland, Laura Altmann, Renetta G Amador, Keith Blomberg, Eric Fleischman, Vanessa Grayson, Nicole Kreuzer, Megan Lurty, Murray Miller, Christopher Perez, Chelsea Peters, Alex Saks, Adam Stone, Cat Stone, David Thornsberry, Bob Weber, Emily Weithman, Lee Anna Winhoffer, Mandy Yaeger

I have not been up for the writing of things.

People die.

It’s what we are supposed to do.

When we are old and shaking, pooping pants and falling over, forgetting who you are but remembering what should be un-remembered – it is time to die.

I get this.

Sometimes, cancer lands on your face and God wants your chin.

Death is close then.

Just ask Roger Ebert.

My eyes had the squirts like a little girl when his death arrived.

He was my hero – watch him as he goes (thank you Foo Fighters!) Even with a giant Kossu mouth swallow and lung bag full of kush, my writing was never like The Ebert.

He was the shit. Read this (http://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/to-the-wonder-2013) and then choke on your “Ebert was not the shit” argument.

Yes… choke on it.

Like a choking little bitch.

I’ll wait.

Now for a review.

The Lords of Salem

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

Rob Zombie is not the man his name says he is to be.

Not an extra in the great TV show “The Dead Are Walking Around.” Not stuck in Jamaican voodoo haze, much like myself when brain is high centered on the speed bump of sweet, sweet bong smoke (that I love, even with the drool-face I make).

No.

Zombie makes movies.

Some good. Some bad.

Most good-bad existing side by side, like a twin – with no skin sharing.

Now Mr. Zombie is back with “The Lords of Salem.”

The good? Sherri Moon Zombie.

Although she is getting long teeth, she still can stir my man thing and start the underwear party.

Her acting is really not anything. Nothing better (her hotness remains), nothing worse (the underwear party continues).

She plays a DJ who is given the wax for spinning from Satan’s house band. This brings evil because it plays itself backwards (which in days of the past would kill Paul McCartney – if only now it would result in immediate Justin Beiber death… that would be cool).

The band gets back together, but VH1 Classic is not to be seen. There is Hell to pay. Pay to play – and the like.

Zombie makes us for the creep with skin crawling in ways that it wasn’t meant to crawl. Evil is abounding. Death is cheap and easily available.

If for a plot you give shit then go see “Oblivion” (since it has plots taken from every sci-fi movie ever made).

If you want a scare to smack your brain until you squirt in to your chonies – this is the poop squirter for you.

So, my thumbs are confused. When compared to good movies, this is not good.

When compared to others in the horror held up to comparison? Good.

Damn good.

So, since you are reading this you give a horror crap. So go see “The Lords of Salem.”

Before the seeing, do NOT inhale too much of the beautiful smoke. Paranoia will explode your head.

You have been warned.

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. The world is back-assward. Ebert is dead. Rex Reed still breaths (and wastes) perfectly good oxygen. Depeche Mode (for a bunch of pansy-men whining like babies with tiny baby problems) got one right – listen to “Blasphemous Rumors” and think on this. Rex Reed lives. Son of a bitch.

Please list the best film smart guy reviewer people for the best reading in my future in the Comments below.

P.P.S. “Game of Thrones” is a cooler movie on TV than most movies that are movies. With boobs. Damn!

October 19, 2012

Paranormal Activity 4 [REVIEW]

Paranormal Activity 4

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

*****SPOILER ALERT*****

Where could this possibly go?

#1 was near past.

#2 was near past and nearer past.

#3 was way back past.

#4 is the now (powered by iPhone and laptop).

More found footage.

More of the crazy that would put my body in a hotel but doesn’t affect dumb people.

My ears say a demon is walking around the house I run like a girl.

A fast girl!

If you are not having the viewing experience of “Paranormal Activity 1, 2, 3” read this no further. And why would you read about 4 if you haven’t seen the first three?

Are you drunk?

Are you high?

If “no” is answered get drunk or high and see 1 and 3 – read about 2 online (crap-fest I am wishing not to talk about, so I won’t – 2 sucked so hard it slurped and messed with the dog – no kidding).

Plot? Same as always.

As my fingers typed “Paranormal Activity 4” is the now time – if November 2011 is kind of the now time. No more California, but Nevada is where is Demon-town now. Henderson.

Mom and Dad (generic actors), cute adopted (holy sheet!) youngest Wyatt (Aiden Lovekamp), and hot (but of illegal young age, crap) Alex (Kathryn Newton). She is into the video of everything which is annoying.

All is happy… then creepiest of all kids, Robbie (Brady Allen) moves into the next door. He likes to shake hands, the freaky weirdo!

And he has a fork.

Alex computer talks with her sort of boyfriend Ben (Matt Shively). He sees creepy shit in the background places.

The coolest character is Kinect. You will see the meaning of this in the movie. Disco front room, with demon!

So, Paranormal checklist:

Creepy shadows doing the creeper in the background – check.

Something normal jumps into screen view, making you do a Cola spill on reviewer in front of you (and wow, was he pissed)– check.

Characters not running away screaming but walking TOWARDS demon sounds – check.

Characters getting a lethal smack down like from the Shaq in his prime – check (poor Mom).

Loud footsteps like from the fat kid in the apartment of my upstairs – check.

Katie – check.

Someone’s neck broken, Chuck Norris style – check.

People being dragged around by unseen Demon strongman – check.

Sleeping person sheet removal with not waking- check.

Did I on the checklist miss anything? Add them to the comments below.

So, two really disappointed thumbs hanging down.

The want for good was there, just not the good. Even the Spanish crap crazy stuff after credit time was “meh.”

I was thinking series full circle coolness, but no. Just set up for sequel after sequel after sequel after sequel. A damn shame.

Save your money for the buying of smoke and Cheetos – let this be a mind film all of your own making in your head. It will be better than “Paranormal Activity 4”. Truth.

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. “Revolution” makes no sense. And it is the suckage for acting. And writing. Off the DVR forever! Suck it, “Revolution”!

October 12, 2012

Sinister [REVIEW]

Sinister

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

Horror in my belly pulls my testes into itself.

That is the point.

Horror must make one as uncomfortableness than one can feel.

It is awesome.

It sucks.

It hurts so good that in the pants the shitting is welcomed.

Yes, that happens.

Unless the movie is the suck. Then the horror is not so horrible. Then the horror is the shit.

Shit, because not horrible. But still in the eyes. The eyes hold onto the pain.

But still…

“Sinister.”

There are grisly murders at the property of the Ellison guy (Ethan Hawke) but the deaths and the disappearance of another daughter (his family?) are with a murder series linked.

Found footage (fuck you, Paranormal Activitiy!)

Then there are slayings and abductions, but only for the children. Parents are for the dying.

But then the writer’s nightmares are worse than the writing.

WTF?!?

Horror is the suck. Nothing is new. Best movie to scare a turd out of me is “The Exorcist“. The like will never again be seen. First half hour, getting to know the family. THEN the shit hits the fan.

We now care!

All of the new shit – horror porn. People ripped apart. Crazy Saw guy making people die as assholes. “Final Destination” bringing back Rube Goldberg to America (if Rube Goldberg is over your head kill yourself now, retard).

And then the found footage shit. Thanks “Blair Witch Project.” Style over good any day.

Crap.

Yet I still liked “Cloverfield“. Found footage doesn’t always swallow the suck.

Anyway, the fact that I thought Ethan Hawke was really Kevin Dillon made me think the dumb is now part of my forever mind. Son of a bitch.

So, one thumb totally confused, wishing it had to see “Argo.” The other thumb wondering where fucking hockey is.

I don’t get it. Play the games. The owners won last time, but now they must fight again? I wish I had a gun. One round for the Bettman. Then the rest for the owners. I kill you all.

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. “Nashville” is the shit. That Hayden Dwarf chick is the hot. I would do her twice.

August 31, 2012

Lawless [REVIEW]

Lawless

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

Warning: This review was fueled by Kossu.

The shots were flowing into my stomach place, the sweet burn up into my brain stem, and then my brain thoughts shot out of the finger ends on the keyboard.

As it should be.

I went to the cinema with a fellow reviewer, Yves.

He is as much a foreign as I, but since he is French he is funny in America.

He would tell me over and again that in France Shia LaBeouf is really Shia “The Beef.”

I would say no, it is really Shia “The Douche.”

Yves laughed, then I laughed like a horse and the lovely Kossu shot straight from my mouth to out of my nostril area.

Pain. Delicious pain.

And I would tongue bathe the now salty Kossu (not good, do not try to shoot it out of the nasal) off of my upper lip and drink again.

Then one more shot. And again. I was wasted!

Plot? Yeah. Attention, be forewarned, “Lawless” is based on real events!

To contextualize the plot, narrator, protagonist of the story, informs you of immediately the rules – or rather the lack of rules – that takes place in Franklin County, Virginia in the early 1930s (wow, in “Lawless” the 30s sucked a giant wiener!).

Bondurant brothers are notorious bootleggers. The stakes are simple in a world without rules where the police are corrupt and justice sold, the three brothers “hold sway.”

Characterized without subtlety – the youngest is puny (“The Beef” is type-cast here – damn, another shot out of my nose) – the players will evolve gradually, as develops an adventure without surprise, to tend to be completely expected (and unsurprising).

Shia LaBeouf is absolutely not convincing in the role of the coward who becomes manly.

Tom Hardy (Bane! With a face to be seen!) and Jason Clarke embody their characters beyond the artificiality induced staging to be almost human.

Then they presents the majestic Jessica Chastain but is allowed to play nothing but a bore.

Why do women in movies like this only appear so that we want them to be naked? That would be great.

Note – Mia Wasikowska is the hotness. There should be more of the naked with her, too. In every movie that I ever have to see again.

God, make it so.

Not surprisingly, the female characters are hopelessly secondary and generate a dynamic of self-pity.

Why, why, why?

In short, John Hillcoat (director of the laugh riot fun fest “The Road”) book a gangster film with a pathetically inadequate story to the point of becoming ridiculous and women are for decoration.

Except for Mia Wasikowska. Decoration maybe, but I love her.

Lots of bang! Blood! Death!

People die for no reason. Characters never change.

Jessica Chastain takes her clothes off.

More bang (not guns)! More blood! More death!

This I learned of American History – in U.S.A.depression everything was brownish and dirty.

Everybody was on his body with a gun. And it was legal to shoot people.

Until Guy Pearce comes around and acts all weird.

Then there is MORE shooting. That is a lot of learning from one movie.

So, my smart thumb droops floor-ward.

My horny thumb thinks, “damn, this was good – put that Mia goddess in everything!” So that thumb strains for the ceiling (hubba hubba).

Should this be allowed to be seen by your eyes?

Do you have $10 to waste? Then go.

If there is anything else you can do with your limited time on Earth, do that instead.

Life is too fucking short.

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. College football has returned. I now feel like an American from toe to top with my new love of the game! This “tailgating” is my new love thing. Fried meats, booze, dip, chips, booze, etc. If this in Finland was to exist we would all have frozen happily to death outside in the first blizzards of September! Hooray for warm America! And hooray for college football! Except for Alabama – you can suck it.