Jeanette Brill – Behind the Proscenium

July 18, 2014July 22, 2014

The Purge: Anarchy [REVIEW]

The Purge: Anarchy

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

There was the time.

Russians.

Staring at border places.

“We are cool, with big meat,” was the Russian brain.

Then to war they went.

“Fuck you, Stalin Bitches” said Finland.

We were the winners.

1940? Finland awesomeness.

Russians? They thought “Was that our Purge?”

We Finns – we said just suck, Soviet pussies.

We made you dead.

We purge you! Assholes…

That was the first real Purge.

Now? Cinema says, even better than the first purge.

In first, there is wuss (Ethan Hawke) with sucky family (if in real my child life let in bad, the child would be dead in 5 minutes. Harsh, but fair – I would kill him myself).

Things were strange. And then now is now.

Time for new thoughts – as much as the kossu makes my brain great, as much as the sweet, sweet smoke make life, life-like. I have never talked to you Yanks of the Gin Long Drink. The best of Finland. Most times I am for the Drunkening. But when not, the Long Drink is for me.

And you.

Oh, the movie.

I was ready to quiver with hate. Then, son of a bitch, the cinema movie is good.

With politics.

Nice family (Carmen Ejogo and hot daughter Zoe Soul) don’t want for Purging.

Super cool guy (Frank Grillo) wants for saving everyone.

Maybe.

Shit, I want nothing to give away.

But, then comes thought things that makes this a movie of good:

Fuck the 1%.

The ones who want to purge are the rich. Because the rich, they want to purge the poor.

Purge = kill.

Shock of all shock – we will trickle down death!

Thanks, Alzheimer’s Ronnie!

Greatest President ever!

If by great I mean “rich get richer” and “fuck everyone else” you psychopath.

Who voted for this crazy fuck? You?

The rest of the world shakes its head stem.

But movie? Shocked is my head.

First, there was interest to be had. Then, we see what we thought from Movie 1.

Then… I want to give no more away (like a Republicans to the middle class!).

At least we finally have a Rand Paul world: Libertarian anarchy!

Don’t like somebody? Shoot him.

Don’t like a thought process? Shoot those who are thinking!

And never, ever, compromise. And Alito will make it law.

Go SCOTUS, go SCOTUS, GO!!!

Compromise, and the hope of governing, makes you a goddamn socialist.

Trying to get along? A goddamn socialist.

Trying to do the right thing? Well, you know… Effin socialist.

So, as a movie? Damn! My eyeballs were all “damn, what a great movie!” The later, my brain was like “damn, what a great movie!”

As good as the Ape Movie? Maybe.

A good movie? Yes.

So see this thing. Go in thinking that it is not the shit, but really shit.

This I did, and it is better than shit. Shit surprise is the best!

——–

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. I am right. Make on the comments. I am still right. Assholes.

Watch Kimmo’s review right here:

June 7, 2013

The Purge [REVIEW]

The Purge

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

I lost at betting.

Son of a bitch.

“The Purge” was in my thinking mind in the past a game on video.

I ran in the night, a gun as my hand-end, blood lust making me lust –yes, LUST, to kill Ethan Hawke.

I had only one night, and my violence, like Taco Bell, would give me “The Purge,” but with less mess.

No. I was thinking Unreal Tournament 2004 (never gets the olds!).

In my “sweet, sweet smoke life” (high, who haven’t read past Kimmo) I enter the arena and all I am to kill is Ethan Hawke.

Everyone or thing that runs in my perfect mind is Ethan Hawke.

“Head Shot!”

Ethan.

“Multi-Kill!”

A shit-ton of Ethans.

“Rampage!”

The entire Republic of Ethan Hawke… Dead.

But “The Purge” is a movie, but not even real. The greatest disappointment.

Review? If I must.

Plot? Sure. In ten years, America is back in the 1750s. Morality is cool because everyone has the job to just live.

Remember “Rollerball”? The good one? 1975?

“In the not too distant future, wars will no longer exist – but there will be… ROLLERBALL!”

Cue Bach.

In the not too distant future, crime will no longer exist – but there will be… a low budget movie trying to make my mind believe that those on the crack will not rob suburban people except on gang-banger Christmas – or “The Purge.”

Ethan Hawke is a rich guy. He is married to Cersei Lannister (Lena Headey). The Purge is a yearly festival where there is corn dogs and candy – plus the unlimited killing and illegal parking.

Ethan’s children let a man with no home (sad) into the house during the fun. Pants-around-the-knees-people and others who should be schooling want the homeless man to end up “Head Shot!”

I start to run with my RPG and look for Ethan Hawke!

Dammit!

Movie, not game.

Only Kossu can sooth my mind now. What in Hell’s name is happening to the thoughts that normally roost with ease on the stick that is my mind perch?

Game. Movie. Game. Movie.

Nothing and everything is so real that my reality wants nothing more than Cheetos. And a large coke. The smoke is talking.

Thank you, sweet smoke!

Okay. Two thumbs right on up there. Any thought from my brain stem that remembers me on the “Rollerball” (the good one) gets everything up in my book. Yes, everything – remember Ella?

No? And your mouth tells me you are a movie fan… Disappoint. See “Rollerball.”

Now, as my bet was for losing, I must watch “Moulin Rouge” again. Sober.

Ethan Hawke – please kill me with your RPG. Fair is fair.

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. Heidi Klum on “America’s Got Talent”? How about Heidi Klum on Kimmo Mustonenen? Please Odin! I would take that over Tuukka Rask (Finnish brother!) winning the Stanley Cup. I am ashamed of this –yet I stand with it.

Heidi, my Kossu, my smoke, and little Kimmo wait for you…

April 19, 2013

The Lords Of Salem [REVIEW]

Manka Bros., Khan Manka, Behind The Proscenium, Kimmo Mustonenen, Kimmo on Kino, Kyrle Lendhoffer, Roger Ebert, The Lords of Salem, Rob Zombie, Sheri Moon Zombie, Bruce Davidson, Jeff Daniel Phillips, Judy Geeson, Meg Foster, Patrica Quinn, Ken Foree, Dee Wallace, Maria Conchita Alonso, Richard Fancy, Andrew Prine, Michael Berryman, Sid Haig, Bonita Friedericy, Nancy Linehan Charles, Flo Lawrence, Brynn Horrocks, Suzanne Voss, Susan Gray, Torsten Voges, Niko Posey, Julian Acosta, Lisa Marie, Brandon Cruz, Gabriel Pimentel, John 5, Piggy D, Roger W. Morrissey, Barbara Crampton, Michael Shamus Wiles, Dustin Quick, James Messersmith, Troy, Ernest Thomas, Carlos del Valle, Clint Howard, Camille Keaton, Udo Kier, Richard Lynch, Daniel Roebuck, Christopher Knight, Christine Ames, Diana Hart, Silvia Moore, Maria Olsen, Judy Thompson, Jobeth Wagner, Jason Blum, Michael Brigante, Jeanette Brill, Bailey Conway, Andy Gould, Jessica L Hall, Brian Kavanaugh-Jones, Oren Peli, Jeremy Platt, Steven Schneider, Griffin Boice, Brandon Trost, Glenn Garland, Monika Mikkelsen, Jennifer Spence, Lori Mazuer, Leah Butler, Megan Brown, Michelle Chung, Richard Evans, Wayne Toth, Laura Altmann, Phillip Dawe, Rick Osako, Kenneth Donaldson, Danny Giles, James MOran, Marc Newland, Laura Altmann, Renetta G Amador, Keith Blomberg, Eric Fleischman, Vanessa Grayson, Nicole Kreuzer, Megan Lurty, Murray Miller, Christopher Perez, Chelsea Peters, Alex Saks, Adam Stone, Cat Stone, David Thornsberry, Bob Weber, Emily Weithman, Lee Anna Winhoffer, Mandy Yaeger

I have not been up for the writing of things.

People die.

It’s what we are supposed to do.

When we are old and shaking, pooping pants and falling over, forgetting who you are but remembering what should be un-remembered – it is time to die.

I get this.

Sometimes, cancer lands on your face and God wants your chin.

Death is close then.

Just ask Roger Ebert.

My eyes had the squirts like a little girl when his death arrived.

He was my hero – watch him as he goes (thank you Foo Fighters!) Even with a giant Kossu mouth swallow and lung bag full of kush, my writing was never like The Ebert.

He was the shit. Read this (http://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/to-the-wonder-2013) and then choke on your “Ebert was not the shit” argument.

Yes… choke on it.

Like a choking little bitch.

I’ll wait.

Now for a review.

The Lords of Salem

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

Rob Zombie is not the man his name says he is to be.

Not an extra in the great TV show “The Dead Are Walking Around.” Not stuck in Jamaican voodoo haze, much like myself when brain is high centered on the speed bump of sweet, sweet bong smoke (that I love, even with the drool-face I make).

No.

Zombie makes movies.

Some good. Some bad.

Most good-bad existing side by side, like a twin – with no skin sharing.

Now Mr. Zombie is back with “The Lords of Salem.”

The good? Sherri Moon Zombie.

Although she is getting long teeth, she still can stir my man thing and start the underwear party.

Her acting is really not anything. Nothing better (her hotness remains), nothing worse (the underwear party continues).

She plays a DJ who is given the wax for spinning from Satan’s house band. This brings evil because it plays itself backwards (which in days of the past would kill Paul McCartney – if only now it would result in immediate Justin Beiber death… that would be cool).

The band gets back together, but VH1 Classic is not to be seen. There is Hell to pay. Pay to play – and the like.

Zombie makes us for the creep with skin crawling in ways that it wasn’t meant to crawl. Evil is abounding. Death is cheap and easily available.

If for a plot you give shit then go see “Oblivion” (since it has plots taken from every sci-fi movie ever made).

If you want a scare to smack your brain until you squirt in to your chonies – this is the poop squirter for you.

So, my thumbs are confused. When compared to good movies, this is not good.

When compared to others in the horror held up to comparison? Good.

Damn good.

So, since you are reading this you give a horror crap. So go see “The Lords of Salem.”

Before the seeing, do NOT inhale too much of the beautiful smoke. Paranoia will explode your head.

You have been warned.

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. The world is back-assward. Ebert is dead. Rex Reed still breaths (and wastes) perfectly good oxygen. Depeche Mode (for a bunch of pansy-men whining like babies with tiny baby problems) got one right – listen to “Blasphemous Rumors” and think on this. Rex Reed lives. Son of a bitch.

Please list the best film smart guy reviewer people for the best reading in my future in the Comments below.

P.P.S. “Game of Thrones” is a cooler movie on TV than most movies that are movies. With boobs. Damn!

October 12, 2012

Sinister [REVIEW]

Sinister

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

Horror in my belly pulls my testes into itself.

That is the point.

Horror must make one as uncomfortableness than one can feel.

It is awesome.

It sucks.

It hurts so good that in the pants the shitting is welcomed.

Yes, that happens.

Unless the movie is the suck. Then the horror is not so horrible. Then the horror is the shit.

Shit, because not horrible. But still in the eyes. The eyes hold onto the pain.

But still…

“Sinister.”

There are grisly murders at the property of the Ellison guy (Ethan Hawke) but the deaths and the disappearance of another daughter (his family?) are with a murder series linked.

Found footage (fuck you, Paranormal Activitiy!)

Then there are slayings and abductions, but only for the children. Parents are for the dying.

But then the writer’s nightmares are worse than the writing.

WTF?!?

Horror is the suck. Nothing is new. Best movie to scare a turd out of me is “The Exorcist“. The like will never again be seen. First half hour, getting to know the family. THEN the shit hits the fan.

We now care!

All of the new shit – horror porn. People ripped apart. Crazy Saw guy making people die as assholes. “Final Destination” bringing back Rube Goldberg to America (if Rube Goldberg is over your head kill yourself now, retard).

And then the found footage shit. Thanks “Blair Witch Project.” Style over good any day.

Crap.

Yet I still liked “Cloverfield“. Found footage doesn’t always swallow the suck.

Anyway, the fact that I thought Ethan Hawke was really Kevin Dillon made me think the dumb is now part of my forever mind. Son of a bitch.

So, one thumb totally confused, wishing it had to see “Argo.” The other thumb wondering where fucking hockey is.

I don’t get it. Play the games. The owners won last time, but now they must fight again? I wish I had a gun. One round for the Bettman. Then the rest for the owners. I kill you all.

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. “Nashville” is the shit. That Hayden Dwarf chick is the hot. I would do her twice.