Jon Favreau – Behind the Proscenium

March 9, 2012March 20, 2012

John Carter [REVIEW]

John Carter

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

This week starts with a happiness explosion from my head mind (but not in the pants, dirty people).

“Kimmo, you are the man with a bag of lucky!” say I, Kimmo, to the self inside.

You see, I am to review my first love.

Not a human person. But a reading experience of youth.

Yes, the books series that made many endless Finnish nights come to an end.

An end that of happiness. That in Finland we call “morning.”

From “A Princess of Mars” through the crappy yet wonderful “John Carter of Mars: Skeleton Men of Jupiter” all asses were kicked.

Green and caucasian. Those from Helium to far off Ptarth

Then my first meat whacking to thoughts of Dejah Thoris (so hot in my mind! Best whack ever!).

How could Mr. Hollywood put the screw in the butt of “John Carter?”

Apparently with the ease of an experienced person who screws the butt of most great books for reading.

Disappointment is a pain that crawls in my stomach like a worm.

Or, here, like green four-armed Tars Tarkas (read the damn books!).

Crappy 3-D? Check!

CGI that is less than real than fake! Check!

$250 million spent on the crapping? Check!

Plot? Too much.

John Carter to Barsoom is somehow to there from here (Barsoom is Mars to Martians and others that have been to visit… Mars).

John falls in with Tharns who are green, four-armed, and totally whack.

I didn’t know that the William Dafoe had four arms – he is a good actor.

Carter (the hero) is played as a piece of white bread (Taylor Kitsch) with muscles.

And the whack queen of my first teens, Dejah Thoris, is the un-whack worth Lynn Collins.

Hollywood, you had almost 100 years to make a piece that is of a master and this is the warm pile that comes out?

What happened Mr. Director (Andrew Stanton)? With “Wall-E” I cried at mechanical homeless person who was lost among obese Americans lost in space.

Now even green, multi-limbed, bad-ass Tharns are like mouth pudding flavor free.

The loss of the hours wasn’t so much a hurt – watching my childhood friends of imagining being ass-raped (see “The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo”) was a pain that I will remember as long as I can – you see, even with the smoking of many loads of the wonderful Super O.G. Kush I could not find the liking… only the hating.

And the stomach-crawling disappoint.

So I have no more to say.

One thumb droops in mourning – the death of my childhood fantasies and hopes are now the truth of the screen.

The other thumb is to be right in the Mr. Disney butt – so now Mr. Disney, you know how “John Carter” feels.

I am sad.

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. “American Idol” – cannot next year (if there is one to be) have just one woman (who doesn’t make the eyes pain) over the age of 18? The “Season of Fugly” will no longer be watched. I watch “The Voice” now, waiting for Christina Aguilara’s imminent boob explosion. I quiver with the waiting.

July 28, 2011July 28, 2011

Cowboys & Aliens [REVIEW]

Cowboys & Aliens

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

Cowboys & Aliens. Who didn’t play this game in the backyard, when you were children?

I was always a cowboy for I had a hat. It (the scenario) was better on my neighbor Kurri’s backyard; than it was on the big-ass screen.

Story? Well, here goes something…

If a stranger wakes up in the middle in New Mexico in 1873, he does not have memory of his past.

So says this film.

The only reference point which he has is, clamped to his wrist, an outlandish metal bracelet.

The foreigner walks into the city of Absolution and confuses and angers of the local cattle baron – his son. And he has run afoul and a brigand (yes, at the same time).

But when he finds out why he can’t think (not booze – though that has made me not think – like last Wednesday… but that is for another article – boy, I was drunk) – I just got lost in my own sentence.

And from here, Cowboys & Aliens enters into same old, same old cycle, which has the again formed group to run into sporadic detours on their journey – only to be alien attacked again and again.

I miss Indians.

The attacks are shot acceptable. Director Jon Favreau is not stranger to the shooting activity, but there’s no tension, no edge of their seat excitement, which should come at all directions and from each possible position of constraint.

And then we find the heroes can die.

No one never did die in the Kurri’s backyard (not for lack of trying).

Cowboys & Aliens is played fast and loose. The film wastes no time with receiving firmly into and soon it is alien time.

This sets the movie away from other, shy, films. Like Super 8. Show the monster already!

Daniel Craig forms persuasive ass-kicker, for very much a cowboy. That is, if you’ve never seen a movie about cowboys – with or without aliens.

I won’t spoil the alien look. They’re gnarly and ugly – like Kathy Griffin (ha! A joke!).

But even awkward exhibition and lengthy letters can work on their way into an exciting adventure film. Unfortunately, no person it seems in Cowboys & Aliens seems to have fun.

Harrison Ford grumbles with constipation, which does in each film for the last several years (two words – stool softener. Changed my life).

There are moments here and, where he and Craig talk to each other with their eyeballs. Those moments are cool.

Sam Rockwell seems the only member which thoroughly amuses himself. At my screening, the chant “More Sam, more Sam” made the rafters dance (disco!).

And this disappointment continues and on into approximately each aspect of Cowboys & Aliens (that is fun to type).

A western film, tries to have John Ford landscapes, can not strike the necessary boundry-lessness of the west – and the alien motivation for the Earth grabbing? Stupid, stupid, stupid (my editor stops me at three stupids).

Summary: Cowboy & Aliens was better in the Kurri’s backyard of my childhood than in the multiplex which now probably fills the backyard of your youth.

Oh, and Olivia Wilde is fetching (new word)!

Kimmo Mustonenen (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

July 8, 2011

Zookeeper [REVIEW]

Zookeeper

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

When one in thinking comedy, especially in these comedies, the tastes are as varied as in almost any other genre.

So there are the sophisticated, witty humor, the dark British humor, but also the “hurr durr” and/or “herp derp” or naive childlike humor.

Somehow, yes, any of these styles can be quite irritable (like a bowel) and – according to doses used – to provide lots of fun in the cinema, yet not out of the cinema.

Why leave but Kevin James and Adam Sandler for years on the constant same thing, now worn-kind, one must ask already.

While with “Grown Ups” could see at least a slight upward trend, fueled by the hope was that even Adam Sandler grows up again, unfortunately, we are now witnessing one of his (James, not Sandler) weakest comedies.

Paul Blart is now his Citizen Kane?

In this universe it is the curse.

We get Zookeeper.

We are Job.

Griffin Keyes is a zookeeper and the animals extremely popular, because it deals with them very closely and with devotion (“it” being “he” – you get it! Me too!).

But his job is in his love life very much in the way (damn!), because his dream woman wants to marry him not because he “is just a zookeeper” but because he is just a zookeeper.

Fortunately, the animals can understand people, not only us, but also speak with us – if they want, because a code that forbids them actually.

Animals are shifty and have rules. But to Griffin’s love life to fix it, decide the zoo, to obtain information on the rules of time and explain to the people even as it ensnares the beloved correctly.

What?

Unfortunately, the posturing of a bear is just as beneficial as the territorial markings of a wolf – at least with a human woman. This is true – I’ve seen it on the internet.

Even in the rough story one suspects that the level of humor is rather childish. How bad it really is but then, only in the course of the film clear, because at least when Kevin James pisses middle of the restaurant to a potted palm, because it was recommended by an animal, is such a limit is exceeded.

What?

Very mediocre (this is a short sentence). Wants above all, because there are quite a few such scenes in which we, as viewers, leave the theater either fled or sink in the chair – but not both for that is impossible.

Only the trip with the only really creative and well-developed character – the gorilla (better than Ed, the farting and baseball playing chimp – thanks for this Matt LeBlanc!) – knows how to convince.

This flashes on the existing definitive sense of timing and situation comedy, and fortunately remains sustainable even in the head (in my head or yours? Let me know in the comments!). Is a pity that one is linked somehow many, though not more, strands of plot processed.

Seriously.

Overall, Zookeeper, unfortunately, a disappointment (shocker! Although I expected Sasha Grey level suckage (naughty!) – go “Entourage”!).

There is much reason to be ashamed of strange and often situations that are very drawn to construct and bring on the hair (man I’m drunk). It simply lacks the spark of feeling for a humorous line.

Fans of the usual rather childish level Sandler / James movies will certainly enjoy themselves while here, but everyone else be warned: There is one funny – really only the gorilla excursion, which is hinted at in the trailer already. Everything else is unfortunately not worth the cinema ticket.

One thumb, wagging downward – like photo before in Cialis ad.

Bummer.

“I’m mad…And that’s a fact
I found out…Animals don’t help
Animal think…They’re pretty smart
Shit on the ground…See in the dark.”

“Animals” by The Talking Heads

Kimmo Mustonenen (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. Summer television is the suck.