Kellan Lutz – Behind the Proscenium

November 16, 2012November 16, 2012

The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 2

Manka Bros., Khan Manka, Behind the Proscenium, Kimmo Mustonenen, Kyrle Lendhoffer, Kimmo on Kino, The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 1, The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 2, Twilight: Breaking Dawn, Bill Condon, Stephenie Meyer, Melissa Rosenberg, Taylor Lautner, Gil Birmingham, Billy Burke, Sarah Clarke, Ty Olsson, Kristen Stewart, Ashley Greene, Jackson Rathbone, Peter Facinelli, Elizabeth Reaser, Kellan Lutz, Nikki Reed, Robert Pattinson, Christian Sloan, James Pizzinato, Ian Harmon, Gabriel Carter, Anna Kendrick, Christian Serratos, Justin Chron, Michael Welch, Michael Sheen, Christopher Heyerdahl, Jamie Campbell Bower, Christian Camargo, Mia Maestro, Maggie Grace, MyAnna Buring, Casey LaBow, Angelo Renai, Booboo Stewart, Alex Rice, Paul Becker, Stephanie Moseley, Kiowa Gordon, Tyson Houseman, Chaske Spencer, Bronson Pelletier, Alex Meraz, Julia Jones, Tinsel Korey, Tanaya Beatty, Sienna Joseph, Carolina Virguez, Sebastiao Lemos, Kimani Ray Smith, Tora Hylands, Mackenzie Foy, Ali Faulkner, Charlie Bewley, Daniel Cudmore, Bill Bannerman, Wyck Godfrey, Mark Morgan, Irina Neyes, Karen Rosenfelt, Isabelle Tanugi, Carter Burwell, Guillermo Navarro, Virginia Katz, Debra Zane, Richard Sherman, Michael Wilkinson, Patricia McAlhany Glasser, Valeria Costa Amorim, Shawn Boyachek, Mary Guilfoyle, Barbara Kelly, Andrew G. La Marca, Colleen Mitchell, David Price, Angela Quiles, Andrea Wertheim, Bryan Yaconelli, Karin Behrenz, Josy Capkun, E.J. Foerster, Dylan Hopkins, Justin Muller, Jay Amor, Stanton Barrett, Krista Bell, Brett Chan, Paul Darnell, Holland Diaz, Christopher Gordon, Adam Hart, Kiralee Hayashi, Atlin Mitchell, Matthew Rugetti, Karin Silvestri, Patty Majorczak-Connolly, Mark Sussman, Joey Amron, Jason Dale, Shae Salmon, Diana Ascher, Paul Becker, Mauro Blanco, Daniel Booko, Barbara Branch, Erik Feig, Lea Enslin, Laura Fuller, Danielle Halagarda, Joe M. Hagg, Louise Hradsky, Anne Jacobsen, Katia Kieling, Brynn Kinnee, Julie Lopinto, Caroline MacVicar, Jill McQueen, Benjamin Jeran McGinn, Emily Morrow, Danielle Poret, Ashlynn Ross, Davida Smith, A. J. Timmcke, Chanda Venable, Alex John Wiseman

The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 2

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

Son of a bitch.

Damn you, Mayans.

I, and the Earth, have lived to see what we wish the seeing of would not have happened.

Why not the end?

Sometimes the end is better than the being. But no.

My eyeballs have made my brain see “The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 2“. Electric Boogaloo.

That would have been the cool.

Odin. I have always been in service.

Oh, God of Cargo, I follow.

Since you were on the tree Yggdrasil attached to find the truth, to now.

But the pain.

Oh, Odin, the pain.

My eyes have been rubbed in shit. And that shit is “ The Twilight Saga: Breaking blah blah blah blah blah blah“.

Story? Really?

If this is for your interest for the reading there are many things:

1) I love this shit. Like the film Kimmo, like me, or you will the for the stalking like my 75 cats do to the poor back yard birds (this is for middle-age Twi-Fraus).

2) I love this shit. Like the film Kimmo, like me, because this was the first time that my parts that make of me a girl gave me a squirm – whatever team. Best movie since “Citizen Kane” or “The Notebook” (teenage Twi-tards – sorry for making the Citizen Kane reference – your tiny brains explode like insignificant lady fingers).

3) I love this shit. Like the film Kimmo. If I disagree my girlfriend handjobs may cease immediately (the horror – poor boyfriends of crazy chicks liking this thing movie crap).

4) This is stupid. Damn bad CGI movie mess that makes the smart dumb, and the rest shake the head and reach for the Kossu (normal people).

Here is some plot.

After the birth of her daughter, Renesmee, Bella slowly adapts to his new life with the help of vampire Edward.

Feeling threatened by the birth of a new genre, the Volturi declare war on the family Cullen.

To prepare their defense, Cullen will travel the world to bring together families and allied vampires try to push the Volturi in a final confrontation.

Wow! Wait, what?

Have there been worse films to let in my mind?

Of course, the first 500 movies of this franchise of suck.

“Freddie Got Fingered.”

Maybe that is the total. My brain reels. I wish for the end.

Odin, I hate for the being of the negative. But I knew.

The sweet smoke didn’t make things better.

The Kossu only brought sadness.

So, now, here we are. What more to say?

Two thumbs waiting for the end. For Ragnarok, if the Mayans cannot get their poop in order. Drooping down, waiting for the end.

At least this stream of shit is at an end (thoughts after visiting Acapulco – four days of hell – though Twilight was longer and hurt more).

You will see it if you want. If not, then not to see. Your minds are already in place for a decision. I cannot change that.

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. “Fringe” makes no sense. Yet I do not care in my mind. The Observers are well dressed. The future should be so cool.

The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1 [REVIEW]

November 16, 2011November 16, 2012

The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1 [REVIEW]

The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

First – the coming of the clean.

Yes. I’m jealous.

Robert Pattinson has the hair of a god.

A messy hipster god, but god hair is god hair.

I want some.

Now for the real meat – once again, a crap-fest!

The film reviewer life can make one wish (and hope) the Mayans are right, the world ends in 2012, and thus my sitting through another Twilight is decreased to zero.

I pray for this to be so.

Review time.

Bella (Kristen Stewart) has made her choice: She is about to marry Edward (see “hair god” above). But the young man, he will honor his market share? He will accept to transform into a vampire, and see to give up his life?

None of this makes sense.

Like the last novel of the franchise of “Harry Potter”, this is halved for film. Twilight, the final episode, will split into two films. A necessity or a narrative stunt to garner twice the receipts?

Unfortunately, this second option is to be considered opportunistic.

Bad studio, ripping off the Twi-tards.

The conclusion is given the languid pace of the film.

If, initially, it is hasty (precipitated the wedding of Bella and Edward, and their honeymoon), the action then is dangerously fallen to the level zero. After blackness and dark twists the previous section, by far the best of the saga (“wow, that turd looks better than the other turd!”), now is the dominant impression of disappointment from the very beginning.

The narrative seems ever more stretched, not to tell again.

Early in the film, the “hesitation” Bella, already in the middle of the last film, persist.

Again and again.

And again.

Then, one more time.

The character played by Kristen Stewart wonders if she should marry, and then come some discussions with her suitor that I’m sure I heard in another episode. Then, once on the island of temptation, where the lovebirds spend their honeymoon (off of Rio, but there are no 3D animated toucans – bummer!), it was now the turn of Edward the vampire of be in dilemma.

Should he or not sleep with his wife at the risk of turning her into a monstrosity of nature bloodthirsty or kill on contact with his neck, his body, all members of a young fresh woman?

And the guy is still more than 100 years, so freshness level, there have been better!

In this chapter of inaction which is meant to be that of excitement, suspense is emerging little by little to explode in the second half of the film (finally, after one suck-tastic hour).

Bella was nubile and fertile, and therefore, following the single exchange of body fluids in the film (the temptation was right to Edward – he totally slammed Bella – awesome!), here it is a big creature unusual offspring of unprecedented , half-human, half vampire.

What to do?

Would it be first ever abortion where vampire baby instead eats the doctor’s face?

That would be cool.

We do not reveal the outcome of this confrontation with the unknown that will lead the “beautiful” Jacob (Taylor Lautner – trade some of that work-out time to get acting lessons, please) to big arms muscled man to betray his wolf pack to help his beloved, the one that has yet to abandon the damn cold meat of Edward Cullen.

No, I will tell you nothing, because if you are still reading this (at least this far), you will see this pile of shit anyway.

To conclude:

The Twi-tards will fork their money to Summit Entertainment and moisten and stick to the theater seats when Edward sparkles.

The world will continue to turn.

Some idiot will comment that Pattinson is a good actor.

Babies will die.

And later I’ll have to review a hunk of shit called “The Twilight Saga – Breaking Dawn, Part 2”.

The suck of all sucks.

Unless the Mayans are right. My fingers are crossed.

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. Ginner Goodwin – I am sorry. “Once Upon A Time” is no longer in my life. Please find a project that is less annoying so that I may lust to you properly.

The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 2 [REVIEW]

November 11, 2011November 11, 2011

Immortals [REVIEW]

Manka Bros., Khan Manka, Behind the Proscenium, Kimmo Mustonenen, Kyrle Lendhoffer, Kimmo on Kino, Immortals, Tarsem Singh, Charley Parlapanides, Vlas Parlapanides, Henry Cavill, Mickey Rourke, Stephen Dorff, Freida Pinto, Luke Evans, John Hurt, Joseph MOrgan, Anne Day-Jones, Greg Bryk, Alan Van Sprang, Peter Stebbings, Daniel Sharman, Isabel Lucas, Kellan Lutz, Steve Byers, Stephen McHattie, Matthew G. Taylor, Romano Orzari, Corey Sevier, Conrad Pla, Neil Napier, Tyrone Beneskin, Abdul Ayoola, Dylan Smith, Robert Naylor, Mercedes Leggett, Kaniehtiio Horn, Ayisha Issa, Danny Blanco Hall, Robert Maillet, Alain Chanoine, Edward Yankie, Gage Munroe, Aron Tomori, Marcella Bezina, Roc La Fortune, Jade Larocque, Charlie Duret, Alisha Nagarsheth, Makayla Jade McManus-Legett, Madison McAleer, Zelia Mouana-Bankouezi, Andre Kasper Kolstad, Tyler Hynes, Carlo Mestroni, Chantal Simard, Brent Skagford, Jason Cavalier, Kevin Kelsall, Patrick Sabongui, Samuel Platel, Lise Sita, Francise LaFreniere, Shyrelle Yates, John Churchill, Austin Beauchamp, Jimmy Duperval, Randy Herman, Emilie Paquet, Robbie Brenner, Mark Canton, Jason Felts, Craig J. Flores, Ogden Gavanski, Tony Grazia, Ken Halsband, Ryan Kavanaugh, Jamie Marshall, Gianni Nunnari, Rene Rigal, Nico Soultanakis, Tucker Tooley, Tommy Turtle, Jeff Waxman, Trevor Morris, Brendan Galvin, Wyatt Jones, Stuart Lew, Andrew Kenyon, Tom Foden, Jille Azis, Eiko Ishioka, Ken Diaz, Daniel Auclair, Ken Halsband, Christopher Kulikowski, Dana Reaves Bolla, Michael R. Sloan, Alexandre Bernard, Angele Gagnon, Chanel Lavoie, Jamie Marshall, Julien Pratte, Evelyne Renaud, Michael Viglietta, Wade Barnett, Nicolas Becker, Ric Schnupp, Alain Berard, Artie Malesci, Garrett Warren, Max White, Geoffroy Beauchernin, Tom Gibbons, Markus Czyzewski, Danny Elhaj, Ian Broucek, Amber Asaro, Brent Beath, Hank Bedford, Maggy Belzile, Kim Berner, Taylor Black, Christina Buchli, Gerrard Coffey, Tana David, Nicolas Fafard-Trudel, Andree-Anne Faucher, Cristina Fuller, Sonia Garcha, Etienne Geoffrion, Brandon Gold, Silvy Kim, Michael Lippman, Josianne Mailloux, Marr Morgan, Caroline Morissette, Jean-Charles Myrand, Eva Quiroz, Marlaine Reiner, Ryan Ross, Marc Salouze, Esteban Sanchez, Mona Sishodia, Justine Winkler, Evagelia Zouliatis

“The Immortals”

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

“The Immortals” is crap.

Crap, crap, crap, crap, crap.

That is my review.

But the editor says I must write more words than “crap.”

O.K. – it is also turd sandwich in… 3D!

Story?

We have in a long time ago, the Greek gods defeated the Titans. They locked the creatures in a prison deep in a mountain.

In a later era wants King Hyperion (Mickey Rourke – creepy!) encounter the gods from their thrones – and to release the Titans.

Necessary to the Epirus-bow (huh?) he wants to help with the visions of the Oracle (see Freida Pinto. I saw her. A tent was pitched.).

On his expedition he also lays the village of slave Theseus (Henry Cavill) to rubble, killing his mother. We will find you do NOT kill the slave baby momma.

Obsessed with revenge wants, Theseus’s death to place on Hyperion. Help comes not only from the Oracle and some warriors (including Stephen Dorff – really), but by god Zeus (Luke Evans), who has for years stood by him in the guise of an old man (John Hurt).

Totally makes sense.

Now, however, Zeus has forbidden the other gods on Olympus to interfere in the war of the people. They should do it alone, led by Theseus. This is misleading in intent.

Never effin’ happened!

Why not now make the Nativity movie with the Amish and showgirls and talking goats? I would see that movie.

Instead of Amish, showgirls, and the goats we get “The Immortals”.

There is so much to love about the movie – the costumes by Eiko Ishioka, the excessive violence, the über-hot Freida Pinto.

And that is all. So not so much.

But it all comes together never close to completely correct, it remains as a spectator weird creep whereby lengths and accepts it all with a shrug.

To get to the point: If you liked the slightly less shit-storm (equally stylized) “300”, this was cooked for you.

You are so bold as to be cool. In your tiny mind.

It is self-explanatory, that this world never looks realistic.

It begins with these goddamn cliffs.

Almost every village, every temple seems built on a cliff. This looks even nice, but again and again – is monotone.

There is also the practical question: Is it really safe to go to the temple from the house, on a footpath, which is three feet wide, has no railings and where, at the slightest misstep, hundreds of yards into the ocean you splat?!?

Just think of children playing. Drunks. Old people. Drunk old children. Epileptics.

That question should be immediately banned from the head – there are no epileptics in “The Immortals”. Like so many others movies.

The shit continues – about how useful it is for the army of evil, to bear such huge helmets, they can’t wipe the ass-crack, let alone fight (and wiping is not as hard as fighting – unless there is much cheese ingestion).

Or why the Greeks the Oracle stupidly deflower (although deflowering Freida Pinto is never stupid, as long as we see her naked).

These and many other discrepancies plaguing the film.

They didn’t even release the Kraken (I yell this during bowel movements)!

I could write more of a response, but I’m too with depression.

Would it, in a better universe, then had “The Immortals”, the makings of a truly great film?

Only good (other than previously talked Freida Pinto – Ass of a Goddess! This would be better movie, too) Mickey Rourke enjoys evil-being, even if he was mumbling and muttering and one does hardly understands.

But ultimately crap – this one goes in the mouth, is chewed, relies on the 3D glasses, swallowed, admired the vision of director, digested, you buy ticket, and the film is shat onto the screen.

Did I mention it was crap?

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. Ryan Murphy, I don’t need you! Lindsay Pearce is Snow White in “A Snow White Christmas” at the El Portal in North Hollywood,CA. Kyrle, get me a ticket! I will follow her home (NOT! Being serious! I want no crimes committed.). I will just beg for her love at the stage door. Keep open for updates!

P.P.S. Joe Paterno, if you hear little children are being diddled you go to the police when the diddling is told. Good job, JoePa! Fucking asshole.