Lauren Von Huene – Behind the Proscenium

August 16, 2013

Lee Daniels’ The Butler

[Editor’s Note: Mr. Mustonenen has taken an unorthodox approach to this week’s review of “Lee Daniels’ The Butler.” We at Behind The Proscenium support his decision completely. If you have any talent and/or interest in film review and criticism, please e-mail us at intern@mankabros.com or let us know why you would be great for the job in the comments below Thank you for your continued support!]

Lee Daniels’ The Butler

With Wit, NOT Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

This is not reviewing a movie.

I did not see the movie and feel that to review what did not walk on my eyes would be like a lie, but with less evil.

More of leading you into a non-existence that would be now existing, but impossible.

Like Silver Lake, but with less neck-beard, skinny jean, fake eyeglass wearing hipster douching bags.

Or just as many. I don’t know. I didn’t see it.

Crazy.

So. I sit in my car, maximum bonging taking up my last minutes before to work I must go.

My lung sacks burned by the sweet, sweet smoke. My mind now has the “artist time” thoughts.

Also the “I’m for the chewing of popcorn” thoughts and “time for a shot of Kossu” thoughts and “that American girl has twin pendulous personalities” thoughts (nerds, I am referring to epic boob-dom – touch one/both sometime, it is awesome).

My ass crack is ready for theater seating.

Then my eyeballs are swung to the marquee. My mind now has not thoughts.

My mind is “WTF?”

Because my mind sees (with the eyeball help) “Lee Daniels’ The Butler.”

I am confusion.

I am to see “The Butler.” Who in Justin Bieber hell is Lee Daniels? And how does his name grow in front of a movie?

Tyler Perry may do this. He is the Queen of Drag and may command it.

I have no remembering of any other asshole with a name before a movie.

Oh. Cheech and Chong. But they share a genius brain and I think I am related.

Mr. Daniels man has an ego inflated like my stomach balloon after six Taco Bell Nacho Cheese Loco Tacos. Only with the taco orgy, I can later lift a butt cheek and deflate myself hideously.

Nothing could deflate Mr. Daniels. Proof?

His last asshole movie name was “Precious (Based on the Novel ‘Push’ by Sapphire).”

WTF? This man is an asshole. Or as we cry in Finland, “sir, you are an asshole.”

Lee Daniels, sir, you are an asshole.

By the time these thoughts choke for air in my car and mind, thinking and thinking (and hating), I am seeing that movie time for watching is in the past 30 minutes. Do I stay? Do I go?

Then I think, “if this dick-face made “Shark Night in 3D 2” I would not let my eyes watch.”

I speak the truth. What an ass-hat.

So, now, I must talk on the good. And the good was even gooder. Not cinema. No.

“Breaking Bad, Season 5B, Episode One.”

I will never be Mr. Meth-Head tweeker, spitting teeth into the breakfast and hair balls like the cat. Bad news. But why couldn’t Walter White (Bryan Cranston) had the botany hard on?

Good thing that is a no – because his ganj would be in my bowl, and I would be forever in the parking lot, pupils pointed at the marquee, thinking “Who the hell does this jerking off Lee Daniels think he is?”

There would still be much waiting for an answer… but MUCH less of the caring.

For concluding: Lee Daniels, my whirling butt-cherry is for the kissing. Now.

Next week – “The World’s End.” Nerds, start your engine motors!

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

August 10, 2012

The Campaign [REVIEW]

The Campaign

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

Oh, Hollywood.

I see you now – the game where my brain is turning to crazy.

I had surrendered already, a white waving of the flag saying “Hollywood, there is nothing expected – stink up the theater and I will write the words… I have no choice. I have nothing in me left to fight.”

Then comes what was never to happen again, or so said my mind thoughts.

Something fun (I needed none of the sweet smoke!).

Something original (no Kossu shots needed, although I had five – habit, and that stuff makes me awesome).

I did not leak from my eyes the salty pain tears.

No.

I saw “The Campaign.”

First, I must speak truth: I thought it was a documentary.

George W. Bush vs. a more hairy Barney Frank.

Then more soberness came to me (alas, it always does).

Will Ferrell has been a Bush. He is acting!

Barney Frank with facial bush is Zach Galifianakis. More acting!

With mincing. More later.

Plot? Yes!

Cam Brady (Ferrell) is a congress person from the north of Carolina.

He is a dick, yet is unbeatable in his mind.

Until rich guys want to bring Chinato Americaso they get maybe gay Marty Huggins (Galifianakis) to run.

A baby gets facially punched, the best actor in “The Artist” (Augie!) is brutalized.

But funny.

Baby face punching is funny, America! And for the first time – I think.

Dog brutalization, less funny.

Marty acts like he has the gay, but it is the subject never talked on

He wears sweaters of the Cosby style. He talks the lisp. We never speak of it.

Cam is “W” (with a much lower body count), but that isn’t talked on, too.

There is much that is distasteful humor to those who think they have the taste. They do not have the taste.

They just have a stick directly up the butt.

This is some funny shit (again, no bong hits prior to the screening – this is NOT a lie!).

This is a summer movie that makes the summer.

No, it is not “Shark Night 3D.” That was greatness.

This is the funniness.

I can now sit though “The Expendables 2” or (Odin, kill me if I am assigned the seeing of this) “Sparkle.”

But for now, I smile the smile of a happy smile right on my face.

Thank you, “The Campaign.”

So, two thumbs chuckling and (with a guffaw or three) pointing in the air. Although no smoke was in my mind, I recommend it to you.

With the wonderful smoke popcorn tastes better, ice cream is colder, and the film is only 85 minutes of length.

You will still be high when you sneak into the next theater, accidentally, and are watching “Hope Springs.” You will need to be high to sit through that crap. Trust me.

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. I raise my glass to my mouth to drink to Tuuli Petaja! Finland’s only medal in London! In sailing! Huh. Sailing. Yep. Just you bastard laughing people wait until the Winter Olympics. Our greatness will be like a foot in your ball sack!

P.P.S. Who will be the winning one on “The Glee Project” finale? Does anybody care? Does Ryan Murphy care?

P.P.P.S. Kristen Stewart is a slut! I am so proud of her! Is it because her boobs fly free in her next film (“On The Road”)? I am wanting to see that so hard! Has anyone said that about her before? I don’t think so (Twi-tards not included).

April 20, 2012

The Lucky One [REVIEW]

The Lucky One

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

I am lucky.

I am cursed.

My job is to have the most wonderful at a time thing to do than anything.

Pay me? Don’t have to (just kidding, Kyrle – I love money!)!

Lucky.

Then I am assigned for the watching of “The Lucky One.”

What?

Really?

The vomiting I promised last week was happening. In the now!

What an insult!

Cursed.

You may in your thoughts think me a little person. Or another, that I am smart.

I am the average. My only study was for the film.

And so I write on the film. My job.

But I am sick at heart.

Does anybody care?!?

Hollywood has not smart thinking. Hit movies are made from luck. Crap movies can be good (to me, or you).

But “The Lucky One?” Are you high?

Who will see this shit-fest?

I am really high.

So instead of talking about “The Lucky One” I want to talk over the 4/20 day!

That’s right!

I really am high. And I’m so ready for the happening 20^th!

In my new Finland (California), the dispensaries are having sales!

I can got from place to place and get the weed that made Californiaa cool place. Like bar hopping, but if the taps leaked only sticky bud.

Heaven.

So all, tomorrow is for the bonging. Do not forget that.

So, “The Lucky One” I return – like a dog to his own vomit.

Plot? I guess.

A Marine travels to North Carolina after serving three tours in Iraq and searches for the unknown woman he believes was his good luck charm during the war.

Thanks, IMDB!

Kyrle, this may be the end on me.

There was a Disney movie that was for Chimpanzees!

And I have to see this crappening?!? Damn.

But know the this 4/20 Day will be my best first while in the SoCal!

And maybe the week next? I’ll see a film that give me a happy smile and want my death to wait.

“The Lucky One” fans? Kiss my brown eye.

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium