Mark Sussman – Behind the Proscenium

November 16, 2012November 16, 2012

The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 2

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The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 2

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

Son of a bitch.

Damn you, Mayans.

I, and the Earth, have lived to see what we wish the seeing of would not have happened.

Why not the end?

Sometimes the end is better than the being. But no.

My eyeballs have made my brain see “The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 2“. Electric Boogaloo.

That would have been the cool.

Odin. I have always been in service.

Oh, God of Cargo, I follow.

Since you were on the tree Yggdrasil attached to find the truth, to now.

But the pain.

Oh, Odin, the pain.

My eyes have been rubbed in shit. And that shit is “ The Twilight Saga: Breaking blah blah blah blah blah blah“.

Story? Really?

If this is for your interest for the reading there are many things:

1) I love this shit. Like the film Kimmo, like me, or you will the for the stalking like my 75 cats do to the poor back yard birds (this is for middle-age Twi-Fraus).

2) I love this shit. Like the film Kimmo, like me, because this was the first time that my parts that make of me a girl gave me a squirm – whatever team. Best movie since “Citizen Kane” or “The Notebook” (teenage Twi-tards – sorry for making the Citizen Kane reference – your tiny brains explode like insignificant lady fingers).

3) I love this shit. Like the film Kimmo. If I disagree my girlfriend handjobs may cease immediately (the horror – poor boyfriends of crazy chicks liking this thing movie crap).

4) This is stupid. Damn bad CGI movie mess that makes the smart dumb, and the rest shake the head and reach for the Kossu (normal people).

Here is some plot.

After the birth of her daughter, Renesmee, Bella slowly adapts to his new life with the help of vampire Edward.

Feeling threatened by the birth of a new genre, the Volturi declare war on the family Cullen.

To prepare their defense, Cullen will travel the world to bring together families and allied vampires try to push the Volturi in a final confrontation.

Wow! Wait, what?

Have there been worse films to let in my mind?

Of course, the first 500 movies of this franchise of suck.

“Freddie Got Fingered.”

Maybe that is the total. My brain reels. I wish for the end.

Odin, I hate for the being of the negative. But I knew.

The sweet smoke didn’t make things better.

The Kossu only brought sadness.

So, now, here we are. What more to say?

Two thumbs waiting for the end. For Ragnarok, if the Mayans cannot get their poop in order. Drooping down, waiting for the end.

At least this stream of shit is at an end (thoughts after visiting Acapulco – four days of hell – though Twilight was longer and hurt more).

You will see it if you want. If not, then not to see. Your minds are already in place for a decision. I cannot change that.

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. “Fringe” makes no sense. Yet I do not care in my mind. The Observers are well dressed. The future should be so cool.

The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1 [REVIEW]

October 19, 2012

Paranormal Activity 4 [REVIEW]

Paranormal Activity 4

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

*****SPOILER ALERT*****

Where could this possibly go?

#1 was near past.

#2 was near past and nearer past.

#3 was way back past.

#4 is the now (powered by iPhone and laptop).

More found footage.

More of the crazy that would put my body in a hotel but doesn’t affect dumb people.

My ears say a demon is walking around the house I run like a girl.

A fast girl!

If you are not having the viewing experience of “Paranormal Activity 1, 2, 3” read this no further. And why would you read about 4 if you haven’t seen the first three?

Are you drunk?

Are you high?

If “no” is answered get drunk or high and see 1 and 3 – read about 2 online (crap-fest I am wishing not to talk about, so I won’t – 2 sucked so hard it slurped and messed with the dog – no kidding).

Plot? Same as always.

As my fingers typed “Paranormal Activity 4” is the now time – if November 2011 is kind of the now time. No more California, but Nevada is where is Demon-town now. Henderson.

Mom and Dad (generic actors), cute adopted (holy sheet!) youngest Wyatt (Aiden Lovekamp), and hot (but of illegal young age, crap) Alex (Kathryn Newton). She is into the video of everything which is annoying.

All is happy… then creepiest of all kids, Robbie (Brady Allen) moves into the next door. He likes to shake hands, the freaky weirdo!

And he has a fork.

Alex computer talks with her sort of boyfriend Ben (Matt Shively). He sees creepy shit in the background places.

The coolest character is Kinect. You will see the meaning of this in the movie. Disco front room, with demon!

So, Paranormal checklist:

Creepy shadows doing the creeper in the background – check.

Something normal jumps into screen view, making you do a Cola spill on reviewer in front of you (and wow, was he pissed)– check.

Characters not running away screaming but walking TOWARDS demon sounds – check.

Characters getting a lethal smack down like from the Shaq in his prime – check (poor Mom).

Loud footsteps like from the fat kid in the apartment of my upstairs – check.

Katie – check.

Someone’s neck broken, Chuck Norris style – check.

People being dragged around by unseen Demon strongman – check.

Sleeping person sheet removal with not waking- check.

Did I on the checklist miss anything? Add them to the comments below.

So, two really disappointed thumbs hanging down.

The want for good was there, just not the good. Even the Spanish crap crazy stuff after credit time was “meh.”

I was thinking series full circle coolness, but no. Just set up for sequel after sequel after sequel after sequel. A damn shame.

Save your money for the buying of smoke and Cheetos – let this be a mind film all of your own making in your head. It will be better than “Paranormal Activity 4”. Truth.

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. “Revolution” makes no sense. And it is the suckage for acting. And writing. Off the DVR forever! Suck it, “Revolution”!

December 20, 2011

The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo [REVIEW]

The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

Sweden.

Bastards.

While us, the Finns, fought Soviet Russia the Swedes ate butter, fish, and those damn crap meatballs.

In same war (World War II, retards) we fight and fight.

Sweden?

Neutral (sissy Nazi lovers – take that, Swedes!).

Finns are awesomeness.

Swedes?

They had not one ball between them.

Then I see those Swede bastards again.

Swedish Bikini Team (hot). SAAB (cool). Malin Akerman (schwing!). Swedes aren’t so bad as people as my mind said.

They also gave us “The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo.” And it was greater than good.

For a film

Then, excited tail wagging puppy-like excitement sprouts from David Fincher. “Give me this movie!” he may have said out loud. And since excitement of so throbbing Swedish version is from Stone Age 2009 – of course Hollywood said “fuck yeah! 2009 is so 2009!”

Now we have “The Same Girl With A Dragon Tattoo Who Now Speaks English.” With accent that has previously been unheard by humans.

Plot? Sure!

Mikael Blomkvist (Daniel Craig) is a business investigative journalist who is determined to restore his honor.

Once he has been convicted of libel, joins the rich industrial Henrik Vanger (Christopher Plummer) in order to use his services as a journalist and a detective in the claim.

Henrik’s niece Harriet was murdered in 1966 as a 16 year old girl, what could have been but never proven (since Sherlock Holmes services are being used in shit cinema elsewhere).

Since then, the only message is that Henrik’s once a year receives a dried flower of the alleged murderer (in a frame, as in “framed”… a clue?).

Center of this conspiracy is Henrik’s extended family, from the loud disputes among themselves hardly changed a word. Like Thanksgiving at Kyrle’s place.

Americans are gluttons.

And very opinionated.

And cannot hold their liquor.

At least Swedes can hold their liquor.

And I can hold Malin Akerman (please Malin, we could make all of Scandinavia come together… get it?)

Around the same time is Lisbeth Salander (Rooney Mara) – an unusual but equally brilliant detective and hacker security company Milton Security – tasked in Blomkvist life to sniff around (“sniff around!” House of Pain, people!), which ultimately leads but to the fact that they Blomkvist with the murder of Harriet Vanger help you.

They entered a 40-year-old chess game of intrigue, murder and incest. I said it. Intrigue.

What is good?

Rooney Mara, that is what is good. Man, she pierced every possible skin flap that was available. And then more flaps, which is professional.

More?

Christopher Plummer. I almost had the belief that he was old. Good acting!

Danny Craig (my buddy). He has been doing sit-ups.

Soundtrack – Trent Reznor made my booty shake. “Hammer of the Gods” is right! And then…

SPOILER ALERT!!!

And then it happened. I was made to cry.

I can, with squirming, handle anal rape.

Bloody nine iron to face is nothing (even with broken teeth clattering on the tile).

Torture-murder-dismembering of young women is easy.

But do not fuck with the cat.

NEVER fuck with the cat.

My eyes leaked. I sniffled. I took another bong hit and one more shot of Kossu. My eyes leaked some more.

Finally, I became less a Swede and more a man (kidding, Malin – Swedes are now cool to me).

SPOILER ALERT OVER!

For a summation, three thumbs up! One thumb just for Rooney Mara. One thumb for David Fincher. And another thumb for the year 2009 version from the Swedes – at least if shit is for the messing they don’t make it a greater (or lesser) mess, right?

And one head lowered, mourning for little furry cats everywhere.

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. How could Ozzy not win “Survivor”? Odin, have you forsaken us all?

November 16, 2011November 16, 2012

The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1 [REVIEW]

The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

First – the coming of the clean.

Yes. I’m jealous.

Robert Pattinson has the hair of a god.

A messy hipster god, but god hair is god hair.

I want some.

Now for the real meat – once again, a crap-fest!

The film reviewer life can make one wish (and hope) the Mayans are right, the world ends in 2012, and thus my sitting through another Twilight is decreased to zero.

I pray for this to be so.

Review time.

Bella (Kristen Stewart) has made her choice: She is about to marry Edward (see “hair god” above). But the young man, he will honor his market share? He will accept to transform into a vampire, and see to give up his life?

None of this makes sense.

Like the last novel of the franchise of “Harry Potter”, this is halved for film. Twilight, the final episode, will split into two films. A necessity or a narrative stunt to garner twice the receipts?

Unfortunately, this second option is to be considered opportunistic.

Bad studio, ripping off the Twi-tards.

The conclusion is given the languid pace of the film.

If, initially, it is hasty (precipitated the wedding of Bella and Edward, and their honeymoon), the action then is dangerously fallen to the level zero. After blackness and dark twists the previous section, by far the best of the saga (“wow, that turd looks better than the other turd!”), now is the dominant impression of disappointment from the very beginning.

The narrative seems ever more stretched, not to tell again.

Early in the film, the “hesitation” Bella, already in the middle of the last film, persist.

Again and again.

And again.

Then, one more time.

The character played by Kristen Stewart wonders if she should marry, and then come some discussions with her suitor that I’m sure I heard in another episode. Then, once on the island of temptation, where the lovebirds spend their honeymoon (off of Rio, but there are no 3D animated toucans – bummer!), it was now the turn of Edward the vampire of be in dilemma.

Should he or not sleep with his wife at the risk of turning her into a monstrosity of nature bloodthirsty or kill on contact with his neck, his body, all members of a young fresh woman?

And the guy is still more than 100 years, so freshness level, there have been better!

In this chapter of inaction which is meant to be that of excitement, suspense is emerging little by little to explode in the second half of the film (finally, after one suck-tastic hour).

Bella was nubile and fertile, and therefore, following the single exchange of body fluids in the film (the temptation was right to Edward – he totally slammed Bella – awesome!), here it is a big creature unusual offspring of unprecedented , half-human, half vampire.

What to do?

Would it be first ever abortion where vampire baby instead eats the doctor’s face?

That would be cool.

We do not reveal the outcome of this confrontation with the unknown that will lead the “beautiful” Jacob (Taylor Lautner – trade some of that work-out time to get acting lessons, please) to big arms muscled man to betray his wolf pack to help his beloved, the one that has yet to abandon the damn cold meat of Edward Cullen.

No, I will tell you nothing, because if you are still reading this (at least this far), you will see this pile of shit anyway.

To conclude:

The Twi-tards will fork their money to Summit Entertainment and moisten and stick to the theater seats when Edward sparkles.

The world will continue to turn.

Some idiot will comment that Pattinson is a good actor.

Babies will die.

And later I’ll have to review a hunk of shit called “The Twilight Saga – Breaking Dawn, Part 2”.

The suck of all sucks.

Unless the Mayans are right. My fingers are crossed.

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. Ginner Goodwin – I am sorry. “Once Upon A Time” is no longer in my life. Please find a project that is less annoying so that I may lust to you properly.

The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 2 [REVIEW]