Moira Houlihan – Behind the Proscenium

March 1, 2013

Jack the Giant Slayer [REVIEW]

Jack the Giant Slayer

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

Times have hard.

We know this.

Hollywood then shows us.

We watch The Mr. Oscar Show and strange face “Look At Me, I Am Also Smug Guy Who Wants To Sing In Your Face” person is on hourly, for what is to me, also forever.

Pretty people also are staging to the T.V., some with awards, more with sadness in their brain thoughts.

On the carpet, all women admit to wearing the clothes of someone else – yet none of the carpet questioning people feel the creeps.

This is Hollywood.

This is the Academy Awards.

This review is “Jack The Giant Slayer.”

It needs not to worry about the Academy Awards.

Ever.

But, even though winning is not to be foreseen – this is good for the film worker people. If for to win, they would have to talk to “Smug Guy Who Was Upstaged By Captain Kirk” which would be the suck.

But all is not bad. Really.

First, I, Kimmo, will not use Fee, Fi, Fo, Fum in the film review.

All critics who do – or use any variable of the 4-F’s – is of the review school hack class.

No Fee, Fi, Fo, Fun for good review.

No Fe, Fi, Fo, Dumb for bad review.

No Fee, Fi, Foo, Meh for a review tweener.

This reviewer (though many times with drunks and stoned) is not of laziness.

So review I must.

Plot? Fe, Fi, Fo, YES! Damn, it was too much to not do.

Plot – Jack is a kid with stories talked to his ear hole by Dad (look out Dad! Here comes the plague!).

Isabella is a kid who has the same stories (look out Mom! Etc). and grows up to be hot.

In real life, Jack (Nicholas Hoult) got to diddle Jennifer Lawrence and motor-boat her rack (for this, Hoult deserves Lifetime Achievement Award). Then, she, Jennifer, was too good for a bean kid.

To continue, hot Isabella (Eleanor Tomlinson) is now fap fantasy for Roderick (Stanley Tucci – with creepy sameness inside from “The Lovely Boner”) who is shopping for the Magic Crown that lets the owner control Giants – people who are taller than Abraham Lincoln (see review).

Jack does stuff, like slaying Giants, but damn spoiler title told you that already.

The move is in the land of Not Bad.

CGI Giants are CGI from the days of Tecmo Bowl Nintendo. Fun after bong sucking, fun after the beer chug, cheesy in my real reality.

The 3D was realistic as to make me barf. Yes, the 3D, not the too much overdrunk beer and stale Raisonettes.

I stand by this statement.

For you readers with bigger brains, see the ripped off for this movie – “Trollhunter.” This move is more better than “Jack blah blah blah” in the way that all of Scandinavia (minus Sweden) is superior to Los Angeles (except for the weather – so I really hate Scandinavia, I guess – my mind is confusion).

The Trolls are better computer beasts than the Giants – although the Giants have more lines.

So one and a half thumbs in the atmosphere. There is enjoyment.

I expected a major suck (like that damn Twilight turd-fest) and the suck did not appear.

The secret to liking a film (I’m now thinking) is to expect it to be full of the horrible.

This did not work for the Twilight films, but seem to work for all else.

I will continue this film experiment – since summer is coming, with its crap-storm of film stink. Here is hoping my expecting is not my reality.

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. It is almost again the time for baseballs! I don’t have understanding for the game so much, but love Dodger Dogs – and cold beer that is more money worth than gold in its cost. This game is not hockey (the greatest of all since it was played by God Himself), but not bad for steroid boys with bats. Not to mention hot baseball groupies. Play balls!

October 26, 2012

Cloud Atlas [REVIEW]

Cloud Atlas

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

There are times when the sweet, sweet smoke must be smoked before the mind can accept strange.

You think “I understand anything and have the munchies.”

Other times Kossu is demanded for drink – sense must be made but you are more “I pretend to get it” and then “more Kossu, please” until the drunkening is achieved.

Now there is the “Cloud Atlas.”

Crazy novel.

Crazier film.

I must be for the admitting that my brain was blown.

Not by gunshot (not yet, thank Odin).

Not by crack whore (thanks again).

But by cinema.

Not since “Zardoz” has there been so much “huh?” in my thinking parts.

Let me explanation for you.

Tom Hanks plays many character people, some with latex (on his face, perverts!).

Halle Barry has also the many latex people to be – but not like Tom, she has bigger boobs.

Tom IS getting moobs, however, because he is getting the olds.

It is all of mankind’s future. Moobs. For men.

That is not discussed in the film.

Plot? You let me in the know – I was idea-less. I’ll try.

There are many stories, in many orders, none for the explaining (my mind is whacked).

First, the way back in the South Pacific and Hanks is a sailor man.

Then forward to the near past – we’re in England and guys argue about PBS music.

Then the really near past in San Francisco with Berry and her love puppies bouncing and in the investigation mode.

Then today with an old drooler stuck in the pre-morgue unhappily (stay off his lawn!).

Then the way future where ‘droids are less cool than “Star Wars” and are Korean-ese but played by white people (I think – CGI would make it possible).

Then, the way way future, where Hanks and Berry are post-apocalyptic – yet her headlamps still are ample.

Which is good.

Then back and forth and back and forth in time and space and then I doubt my own brain thoughts.

This is directed by Tom Tykwer (“You Better Run, Lola”) and the Brothers Wachowski (“Matrix” cool – other stuff is the suck) and one brother is a girl.

No wonder my thoughts cannot hug what my eyeballs tell them is real. For it is unreal.

So, plot? So you tell me.

But great? Pretty damn so.

My mind flies like a 9 year old boy seeing his first of the female nakedness – I am not understanding yet am standing in awe (but without the pants bone).

Both are terrific and at the time of seeing not understandable.

Yet again I must see. And again. Until I am busted (embarrassing when father finds your Playboy stash – but this film makes you cool, not shamed).

Two thumbs are in the air! What the hell did they see? A “wow, cool, what?” movie that is cool.

Hells yeah. I will see this many times, with the Cheetos and weed to make the understanding believable. It is the only way.

Go to your dispensary. Grab your pipe. Go see “Cloud Atlas.”

Really.

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. “American Horror Story – Asylum” is coooool. Adam Levine gets what he (for his Marooning 5 crimes) deserves. I smiled big!

December 16, 2011December 16, 2011

Sherlock Holmes: A Game Of Shadows [REVIEW]

Sherlock Holmes: A Game Of Shadows

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

Okay, Hollywood, I give.

It is FUN to see great literary figure turned into 19^th century James Bond.

There must always be explosions.

CGI must be in every movie ever made.

See, Hollywood?

You win.

For the rest of the film career of reviewing I shall just suck on my bong and sit through whatever I’m being paid to sit through.

And LIKE it.

No… LOVE it.

So, for the second time staged a witty director Guy Ritchie crime adventure with invented by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle’s master detective Sherlock Holmes, a classic figure of English literature (that is not in this movie. Same name. Definitely not same guy.).

As in the first film from the year 2009 the script the action transferred to the Victorian era, which also comes from Doyle’s character. The men of the friendship of Robert Downey, Jr. played Holmes and his assistants presented by Dr. John Watson Jude Law delighted with lively war of words.

This time, the detective met his equal intellectually nemesis, Professor James Moriarty (also a name that appears in the Doyle stories, not so much the character), who is about to incite a world war and to seize the most important industries of Europeunder the nail.

The freaking nail!!!

To put the criminal played by Jared Harris, in the shaft, Holmes and Watson travel to Paris, Germany and Switzerland, as if they were secret agents of later generations of film (Bond, Bourne, whoever the closeted Cruise plays in MI: Whatever).

They fight often in the literal sense before picturesque scenery, in a gentleman’s club, a train, in the Paris Opera House, a posh hotel and a Swiss mountain chateau, a munitions factory and on the backs of horses.

Son of a bitch!

Doyle’s master detective was originally in the struggle with Moriarty in Switzerland – fall down the Reichenbach Falls, in death, before he then reanimated again for more adventures.

It takes the action back here and puts on an impressive waterfall, a CGI castle in ludicrous steep hillside (maybe the same town as “Immortals” 2,000 years later). There sits a peace conference, which Moriarty wants to make the starting point of World War II.

Or I – I was pretty high.

While Watson and the belligerent gypsy Sim, played by Naomi Rapace (Dragon Tattoo chick – For The Win!), inside Europe are trying to save to provide themselves Holmes and Moriarty at the balcony of a game of chess on the board and as spirited debate about the case.

Damn straight.

Enough already.

There was a plot, but that is unimportant.

Robert Downey, Jr. has mister fun good times.

The women were hot.

You saw SH#1 and liked it? This is also for your liking.

I suggest using a bong – with and Indica blend because that will make you like an idiot drool.

And being an idiot with drool is the only way to see this.

“Sherlock Holmes: A Game Of Shadows” has made me see the light. The light of my lighter as I take another major hit.

Hollywood is awesome.

Light up and pass the cheetos.

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. Ryan Murphy, thank you for a taste of Lindsay Pearce in “Glee.” I know now that you are listening! Two more Lindsay episodes – then we can be friends!